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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP should get a new place with me

86 replies

littlepieces · 15/08/2021 12:45

DP owns a flat with his brother (25) who he lived with for a couple of years until the brother lost his at the start of the pandemic. Unable to pay the mortgage, the brother went to live at home with their parents in the suburbs, and I moved in with DP, paying for the brother's share of the mortgage.

18 months later, the brother finally has a (remote) job and wants to move back in asap because he's bored at home and Tinder isn't as good there... Their family's expectation is that I'll simply move out, back into a houseshare, and the brother moves back in and continues to live with DP...

DP wants to leave and rent somewhere with me. However, in December they're expecting a huge service charge bill for essential works on the building, circa £40,000 that they don't really have. There could be more costs too. He says he doesn't want to be paying more to rent somewhere when he has this bill to pay. (For us to rent somewhere similar would be more than double the current cost of mortgage and bills).

Aibu to be pretty gutted I have to move back into a random flatshare?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2021 16:15

I seems pretty clear that your boyfriend can't afford to move out, so you'll have to find your own place.

Wolframhart · 15/08/2021 16:24

The two of you sort of jumped into living together out of convenience. I’ve done it. It’s a bad idea.

He won’t be able to move in with you until he is ready to be your full partner. That means not being in a mortgage with his brother and instead forming an economic partnership with you.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 15/08/2021 16:28

Ok. So now you know that your OH hasn't prioritised your relationship over his DB, he might want to but has family pressure that currently overrides his being a free agent.

You also know that you have been useful to DB, in picking up his bills. That it was cheaper for you than a houseshare make that less agregious.

As a lodger you can just move out. And if I were you that's what I would do, as soon as possible.

Definitely way before that maintenance bill hits and somehow you become obliged to help pay a bit of it.

And then you and your bf need to seriously consider your next move, together or apart.

Chloemol · 15/08/2021 16:29

I would tell your dp you want to live with him, so you both need to find somewhere together. If he won’t then i would be reconsidering the relationship

MatildaTheCat · 15/08/2021 16:58

This arrangement must have seemed amazing when you got to move in during lockdown when, presumably you wouldn’t otherwise have been able to see your DP at all? So in a way you just need to be grateful you had the opportunity and move out gracefully.

The maintenance bill anticipated (cladding?) must be a huge worry for them both so I’d personally get that out of the way before raising the possibility of making a more permanent living arrangement with DP. That’s assuming he actually wants this? A lot of people made temporary arrangements during the pandemic so you should check whether your DP does feel ready for the next stage.

MadeOfStarStuff · 15/08/2021 17:01

This seems like something which should’ve been discussed when you started paying the brothers half of the mortgage tbh. And actually when they first bought the flat as surely it’s not unexpected thst one of them would want to leave to live with their partner.

Can DP and brother sell the flat and each get enough for a deposit somewhere else (with you in DPs case)

Original poster
littlepieces · 15/08/2021 20:05

Brother can't afford to buy DP out, and wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage either. He's 25 and works in a customer service

Agree the ideal solution would be the brother takes a lodger in the flat and me and DP find another place. But DP doesn't want the extra cost of renting with a big £40/50k bill on the horizon. Another slight problem is that the brother doesn't really have any friends and isn't keen on sharing with a stranger. DP is kind of in the middle but I think he needs to make some decisions.

OP posts:
JustLyra · 15/08/2021 20:08

Sounds like you need to find somewhere you can afford on your own and then decide if what you’re boyfriend does in terms of staying or going works for you.

Does your BF have a long term plan for what he wants to do about the flat?

JustLyra · 15/08/2021 20:09

Just be careful you don’t end yo paying full rent on a new place and your Bf effectively living there for free because he doesn’t officially move in, but it’s “easier” to spend all his time there with you

mayblossominapril · 15/08/2021 20:13

Could you stay and rent some work space? If you are there all the time the younger brother may be happier to end the arrangement sooner than later and either get a lodger or agree to sell

Darkstar4855 · 15/08/2021 20:18

Is it possible your partner is using this as an excuse not to commit to renting a place with you? How long have you been together?

bluebeck · 15/08/2021 20:24

@Wolframhart

The two of you sort of jumped into living together out of convenience. I’ve done it. It’s a bad idea.

He won’t be able to move in with you until he is ready to be your full partner. That means not being in a mortgage with his brother and instead forming an economic partnership with you.

I agree with this.

You say your boyfriend needs to make a decision but I think he already has, it's just not the one you wanted.

HeddaGarbled · 15/08/2021 20:29

I assume this a cladding issue. It’s a common and unforseeable problem for many flat owners and has scuppered many people’s plans. It’s a step back for you but I think you’ll have to ride it out.

Boulshired · 15/08/2021 20:57

It’s ok to be gutted but the boyfriend is being clear that at present and probably for a while that he is not in a position to rent with you and you staying there is not an option. If a random flat share is the only option then that is all there is.

Jerseygirl12 · 15/08/2021 21:07

I’m really sorry to read this OP, it’s a sad predicament for you.

WomanStanleyWoman · 15/08/2021 21:26

@littlepieces

Brother can't afford to buy DP out, and wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage either. He's 25 and works in a customer service

Agree the ideal solution would be the brother takes a lodger in the flat and me and DP find another place. But DP doesn't want the extra cost of renting with a big £40/50k bill on the horizon. Another slight problem is that the brother doesn't really have any friends and isn't keen on sharing with a stranger. DP is kind of in the middle but I think he needs to make some decisions.

But he has made a decision, hasn’t he? He’s said he can’t afford to move out. I get that it’s hard, but that’s how it is, unless I’m missing something.
villamariavintrapp · 15/08/2021 21:43

Sorry but it sounds like your dp and his brother want to live together in their flat. And that doesn't leave room for you.. I'd be upset too.

Jerseygirl12 · 15/08/2021 21:49

I don’t think you have any chance of getting your dp to move out of his mortgaged property and move into a rented one. I’d start thinking of my own life plan and how to achieve secure housing.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 15/08/2021 22:17

We can't all live in the flat together because it's a pokey 2 bed place (2nd bedroom is more of a cupboard)

Don't get this. How did it work before when the two brothers lived there? Presumably one of them had the pokey 2nd bedroom? Can't you just sleep in your boyfriend's bedroom as you've been doing? You could both then save towards a property together.

Hankunamatata · 15/08/2021 22:48

I think you need to start looking for your own place. Your dp on doesn't want to move out by the sounds of it.

beachcitygirl · 16/08/2021 00:20

@JustLyra

Just be careful you don’t end yo paying full rent on a new place and your Bf effectively living there for free because he doesn’t officially move in, but it’s “easier” to spend all his time there with you
My thoughts exactly. Be very aware OP. You could end up paying a fortune in rent whilst your bf moves on up property ladder. If he won't properly rent a flat with you & pay a share, I wouldn't allow him to stay over more than once a week.
aiwblam · 16/08/2021 00:33

How gutted/not is this guy about no longer living with you? He ought to be very gutted - if not, I’d consider binning this relationship. If you’ve been with him 2+ years, it’s long enough to know if this is for the long haul or not.

Falleybollolo · 16/08/2021 01:05

Personally I would view this as a - right I have now got to be independent and do what I need to do to live and work and move out and into a flat share. Dp can then work out his situation with his housing, the large bill and his brother without impacting on you.

WTF475878237NC · 16/08/2021 04:24

I guess your partner just doesn't feel ready or willing to take the next step of progression in your relationship? This is obviously an opportunity for him to choose what he wants and it suggests to me he wants something more casual than you dom

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 16/08/2021 05:27

Have you had a discussion with your BF whether you BOTH actually WANT to live together?

Has this been an accidental living together situation (in his and brother's flat?). Are you making it very convenient for him? Have you been doing lion's share of cooking /cleaning?