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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DP should get a new place with me

86 replies

littlepieces · 15/08/2021 12:45

DP owns a flat with his brother (25) who he lived with for a couple of years until the brother lost his at the start of the pandemic. Unable to pay the mortgage, the brother went to live at home with their parents in the suburbs, and I moved in with DP, paying for the brother's share of the mortgage.

18 months later, the brother finally has a (remote) job and wants to move back in asap because he's bored at home and Tinder isn't as good there... Their family's expectation is that I'll simply move out, back into a houseshare, and the brother moves back in and continues to live with DP...

DP wants to leave and rent somewhere with me. However, in December they're expecting a huge service charge bill for essential works on the building, circa £40,000 that they don't really have. There could be more costs too. He says he doesn't want to be paying more to rent somewhere when he has this bill to pay. (For us to rent somewhere similar would be more than double the current cost of mortgage and bills).

Aibu to be pretty gutted I have to move back into a random flatshare?

OP posts:

HungryHippo11 · 16/08/2021 05:52

@GoWalkabout

You shouldn't keep putting money into their mortgage unless you are going to benefit.

No different to renting. I post towards my landlords mortgage. The benefit is having a place to live

TeeBee · 16/08/2021 05:56

Just move out. Your partner clearly feels compelled to stay so go and do your own thing.

SamVimes6 · 16/08/2021 05:58

I presume the two brothers didn’t share one bedroom before you were on the scene?

So why is it so hard for the brother to take the small bedroom now? He will have a lesser amount to pay on his share of the mortgage and towards the £40k repairs. If you move out he can pay his half of the £40k

If I was expected to move out to make way for the brother, I’d be looking for a new boyfriend too. But it’s your call. Still, don’t be taken for a mug, if you’ve been good enough to pay your share for the last 18 months then you should be able to continue living with your boyfriend in your home.

Debetswell · 16/08/2021 06:01

@SamVimes6 me too.

OP you've effectively dug your dp and his db out of a hole for 18 months.
They've used you very conveniently.
Now they want you out.
It would be a big f off from me and don't make the same mistake again.

TeeBee · 16/08/2021 06:03

Errr...it's not her home, it's the brother's home.

Looubylou · 16/08/2021 06:13

Whose name is on the mortgage?

AuntieStella · 16/08/2021 06:14

This is why you will see many posts on MN about not paying someone's mortgage for them when you have no stake in the property.

Though if course if what you were paying was less than the local market rent , you've had a very good deal for that time.

But essentially, you were the lodger, paying to be the second person there whilst the co-owner was away. No-one pretended otherwise (with the possible exception of you kidding yourself)

Your DP would rather continue to live there with his DBro than live with you.

This isn't really a property/logistics/affordability issue, is it?

SpeakingFranglais · 16/08/2021 06:28

Are the brothers even going to be able to pay this 40k? It seems like your DPs life is going to be on hold for some time what with being stuck with his DB who seems unlikely to ever be able to pay him out with the added maintenance costs to cover and then presumably little or negative equity.

I’d be making plans for my own 1 bed apartment, or since you can afford to rent with your DP a flat share of 2 rather than a HMO.

Goldbar · 16/08/2021 06:35

I think the big question is what your DP wants (and, based on that, what you want).

Does he want to live with you? If so, the flat needs to be sold, they need to divide the proceeds and then he can rent/buy somewhere with you.

If he's not that committed and wants you to hang around for ages for him while living in a flat-share, you've always got the option of voting with your feet.

Paq · 16/08/2021 06:57

The fact is that your DP owns a flat with his brother and that's where his financial responsibility is. If you don't want to go back to a flat share then stand on your own financial feet.

If his brother hadn't lost his job then you never would have moved in, so you have benefited temporarily from his misfortune.

Paq · 16/08/2021 06:59

@SamVimes6

I presume the two brothers didn’t share one bedroom before you were on the scene?

OP said all three are WFH from a small 2 bed flat. A third person takes up much more room than just half a bed.

SaltySheepdog · 16/08/2021 07:07

Move into shared accommodation for a while and leave the brothers to live in their mortgaged house. This 40k payment will come and go, then once things are calmer reassess the situation.

Lockheart · 16/08/2021 07:07

If DP and his brother own the flat, I don't think you have any expectation that you could stay and effectively displace his brother.

It sounds like it's been very convenient for you (cheaper "rent") and them (no missed mortgage payments) over lockdown, so I don't think it's a case of anyone exploiting anyone else.

It's a shame and I'd be annoyed too, but in this case I'd just move back out for now.

SaltySheepdog · 16/08/2021 07:09

The alternative is that you all live there together and you rent an additional space which everyone can work in on rotation.

Standrewsschool · 16/08/2021 07:21

If brother moves into flat, can he take a lodger which would cover Dp’s part of the mortgage.

You and dp rent a place. Then dp wouldn’t have two lots of rents/mortgages.

Another option would be to sell the flat, and everyone start again afresh.

It seems a but mean to expect you to move out when you’ve been living together.

If dp wants to live with his brother, what does that say about your relationship?

MargosKaftan · 16/08/2021 07:43

If the mortgage is low compared to the rent of a similar property and there's a £40k bill looming, and bil can't afford it alone, but has family who's prepared to let him stay...

If dp wants to live with you, then dp and bil rent out the flat- see if they can remortgage to a btl mortgage to cover the renovation work. Bil rents somewhere he can afford alone and you and dp rent somewhere together, or all 3 of you rent together a property that's big enough for you all?

But if dp now expects you to leave and just go back to being a visitor, then its a sign he would not have asked you to move in previously, you were just a tenant that had the side benefit of sex.

Not sure its worth trying to save that relationship.

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2021 07:46

I can see why you’re upset, but it’s his brothers flat so he’s entitled to live there and your partner is correct, it’s best for him to live there and not pay more rent when he’s got a big bill to pay.

I get why you’re upset though, if you can only afford a house share.

Standrewsschool · 16/08/2021 07:52

18 months is quite a long time for dp to live with you, then decide not to, although I can see dp is stuck in the middle between family and yourself.

If dp and brother move back in together, how long does he envisage this set up to last? Is it temporary with plans to live with you in the future, or permanent?

They ‘re not related to the Mitchell’s are they, where family come first!

Lockheart · 16/08/2021 07:52

Lots of people live in house shares (me included) because they can't afford their own place. It's not ideal and frankly I think it's fucking criminal that rents and house prices are so high that even those with reasonably well-paid professional careers are forced to share but it's hardly the worst thing in the world.

BoomChicka · 16/08/2021 07:55

This is a tricky one, the cladding/repairs needed will presumably mean they can't sell for a decent amount, plus apartments are less favourable than before covid or that would be the obvious answer. If you really can't all fit in the flat in the short to medium term then you or you and dp will have to move. How will they find the 40k for repairs??

Original poster

littlepieces · 16/08/2021 09:33

A lot of people have correctly guessed the flat is embroiled in the cladding issues. This means the flat can't be sold until it's all been resolved (both DP and DB would be shot of the bloody flat in a heartbeat if they could be!) so that's kind of an extra layer of difficulty here. It's going to take 1-2 years to fix so if I move out we'll be living apart for probably 2 years.

As for the pokey 2nd bedroom, it was fine for DP's brother pre pandemic. But with 3 of us there working all day, most days, not feasible. There's no room for a desk in either bedroom and the living area barely accommodates 2 people working.

OP posts:

Original poster

littlepieces · 16/08/2021 09:40

And they plan on selling the flat as soon as it can be sold and paying the 40/50k bill with whatever money they get back from equity/the deposit. Which will probably be most of it 😬

OP posts:

Jerseygirl12 · 16/08/2021 10:09

Could you stay living there and rent a work space?

MargosKaftan · 16/08/2021 10:30

It comes down to what your dp wants.

If he wants to live with you, can live with you in the current flat as DB moving back in, can't live elsewhere with DB having a tenant because no friends and DB can't afford alone,then the obvious solution is to rent it out as a BTL, use the rent money to cover the mortgage and give them both a bit extra money, so you can rent your own place and DB can rent. He can go in a flat share with strangers, it happens all the time.

But this will make DPs life a bit harder. The main question is - would living with you make up for that? Or as a PP said, is he hoping you will rent elsewhere by yourself, he will spend most of his time there, but you pay 100% of rent /bills because you live alone and he lives in the flat? Do not fall for that.

Suprima · 16/08/2021 10:47

Your boyfriend doesn’t want to live with you. You have conveniently paid the mortgage but now the brother is coming back, he doesn’t want this partnership with you.

Dress it up pragmatically however you want ‘finances’ ‘big bill’ ‘not enough space’ - but ultimately he would happily see you go into a house share with randoms than continue playing house with you.

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