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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's checking out women half his age

64 replies

Malldelly · 15/08/2021 11:25

I was shopping with my partner of 3 years the other day. I come around the end of the aisle, he's at the other end and hasn't seen me yet, and a woman no older than early twenties maybe even younger and wearing a very short skirt is walking towards him. He eyes her up and down. It was so obvious that even I notice it from the other end of the aisle. He's 41 years old and all his previous girlfriends have been much younger, I feel old and this definitely doesn't help. I had it out with him, he thinks he's done nothing wrong, that men notice women but I feel like it was so obvious he was checking her out he might as well have handed her his phone number. Who's being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
Booboosweet · 15/08/2021 11:28

I don't really know. I guess he was unreasonable to be so obvious about it. You can't expect him to never look at anyone else though.

Cazzovuoi · 15/08/2021 11:32

I saw a study that said women find men who are 2 to 5 years in age attractive.

Men find women aged 20 to 25 attractive no matter how old they are.

Men are mostly disgusting Hmm

Cazzovuoi · 15/08/2021 11:33

Forgot the word “difference” in that post … that would be a wholly different thread Grin

Ffs @mnhq give us a blardy edit button

icedcoffees · 15/08/2021 11:34

You don't stop finding other people attractive just because you're in a relationship.

He looked at her. He didn't even speak to her, let alone flirt or try and give her his number. I think you're overreacting here.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 15/08/2021 11:36

Mine does the same. Almost makes me want to start working out then I remember I can't be bothered. No wonder he glances at others 😆

Original poster
Malldelly · 15/08/2021 11:37

It's more the fact that she's probably young enough to be his daughter

OP posts:
SuperSketchy · 15/08/2021 11:37

I wouldn't be worried about him straying, but he does sound creepy...

I think it's true men find women attractive at that sort of age, but even the men I know who love dating etc, don't tend to go for women that age after they are about 35 themselves as it feels a bit creepy. I can think of one guy in particular who dates a lot and gets a lot of attention from women, but he says when a 19-24 year old asks him out or swipes or whatever people do these days, he is creeped out and thinks they see him as a father figure etc. He is not angelic at all and dates a lot, so I don't think it's inevitable that all men will choose the young ones every time.

I wouldn't date a guy who routinely dates only early twenties women. It's creepy imo. Each to their own blah blah, but I wouldn't date or even be close friends with someone who did that.

icedcoffees · 15/08/2021 11:38

@Malldelly

It's more the fact that she's probably young enough to be his daughter
Do you only find people your age attractive? Would you feel the same if he was eying someone 20 years older?

He was just looking. It's harmless.

Sisisimone · 15/08/2021 11:39

Do you remember what is was like OP to be stared at like that by an older man when you were a teen/20s? It's horrible. I wouldn't be with the type of man who openly leers at young girls in a supermarket. He would be gone. There's a big difference between noticing someone is attractive and noticeably eying them up and down. The only men I know who do this are creeps

DillonPanthersTexas · 15/08/2021 11:40

Men are mostly disgusting hmm

Charming.

kurtney · 15/08/2021 11:41

Do you only find people your age attractive? Would you feel the same if he was eying someone 20 years older?

He was just looking. It's harmless

Of course I do but I don't ogle them when I'm out shopping. And I don't think it is harmless. It's creepy.

Men seem to get a free pass on this as though they can't help staring and eyeing up an attractive woman. They can, they just don't care not enough not to.

Bancha · 15/08/2021 11:41

Of course when you’re in a relationship you don’t lose the ability to find other people attractive, but there’s a difference between ‘noticing’ and basically leering at women. He was potentially making women feel objectified, uncomfortable, or even threatened. He sounds vile, a total perv. I couldn’t be with someone like that.

icedcoffees · 15/08/2021 11:41

@kurtney

Do you only find people your age attractive? Would you feel the same if he was eying someone 20 years older?

He was just looking. It's harmless

Of course I do but I don't ogle them when I'm out shopping. And I don't think it is harmless. It's creepy.

Men seem to get a free pass on this as though they can't help staring and eyeing up an attractive woman. They can, they just don't care not enough not to.

I mean, I'd say the same if it was a woman staring.

I just can't get worked up about adults looking at other adults.

icedcoffees · 15/08/2021 11:42

@Bancha

Of course when you’re in a relationship you don’t lose the ability to find other people attractive, but there’s a difference between ‘noticing’ and basically leering at women. He was potentially making women feel objectified, uncomfortable, or even threatened. He sounds vile, a total perv. I couldn’t be with someone like that.
Or, more likely - she didn't even notice as, according to the OP, she had her back to him.
TooWicked · 15/08/2021 11:43

He sounds creepy, anyone who noticed what he did will have been thinking what a letch.

OhWhyNot · 15/08/2021 11:43

I agree it was horrible being you g a s older men staring at you like this

We all notice others but there is a way of noticing and then there is being a creep

He falls into the latter

spotcheck · 15/08/2021 11:45

Ugh.

For people who say it is fine.... read any of the number of threads about women who remember being ogled by middle aged men as teenagers. Or mums commenting on middle aged men ogling their teenage daughters.

Of course it is ok to notice. It ISN'T ok for him to be blatantly checking her out.

This isn't just about OP and her partner- what about the woman being stared at? Do you think she thought it was ok that the OPs partner stared at her in that way?

MistyGreenAndBlue · 15/08/2021 11:45

Well he's right that we notice attractive people but he's wrong if he thinks all men leer at women in public places. It's really not ok.

Deadringer · 15/08/2021 11:48

I think looking is normal. A quick glance is fine but looking at someone up and down, or any kind of leering, is unacceptable and very rude, whatever a man's age or relationship status. Don't think it's about you op, it absolutely isn't. I don't understand why so many women blame themselves for men's bad habits, leering, porn, cheating, etc, it's always about them. As long as he isn't obvious about it in your presence I don't think there is much you can do about it.

Ponoka7 · 15/08/2021 11:50

"He was just looking. It's harmless."

It isn't harmless, it's pervy. Men do this because society tells them they can. Glancing at someone, yes, but not the looking up and down. Women are entitled to go about their business without this behaviour. Older gay men don't do it to younger men, so it can be helped.

Magspy · 15/08/2021 11:50

He eyes her up and down. It was so obvious that even I notice it from the other end of the aisle.

This behaviour - especially given that it was obvious enough for anyone to notice it - is rude and objectifying regardless of his age and whether or not he's in a relationship. I'd be embarrased to be out with him acting like that, just as I would with a partner who's (for example) rude to waitstaff. It sounds like you only called him out based on its effect on you, but that's not the major problem here.

Original poster
Malldelly · 15/08/2021 11:52

The thing is it's not his usual behaviour, I could probably count on the fingers of one hand the amount of times I've caught him looking at other women and they were much more discrete than this. I realise some of this is coming from my own insecurity about getting older but it's depressing that he's attracted to women so much younger. I have no worries about him cheating and I really do love him but this hit me hard 😔

OP posts:
waterlego · 15/08/2021 11:53

Well he's right that we notice attractive people but he's wrong if he thinks all men leer at women in public places. It's really not ok.

Agree. I’m sure more of us notice attractive people, but there is a huge difference between noticing/glancing and staring or looking someone ‘up and down’. The latter is grim, and if saw my husband doing it, it would really put me off him as he is almost old enough to have a daughter that age. Nothing to do with jealousy in my case; I’m secure in how I look, I just think it’s rank and disrespectful when men stare at women.

pinkyredrose · 15/08/2021 11:55

He was just looking. It's harmless

Hmm just looking? Openly ogling a woman young enough to be his daughter? It's creepy as hell . I remember having middle aged guys looking me up and down when i was younger, i felt physically sick.

picklemewalnuts · 15/08/2021 11:55

For you to see his reaction from a distance, and for him to then defend it- that's grim, sorry. I couldn't stand a bloke like that.

It's not about you, your confidence, your age. It's about him.