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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He's checking out women half his age

64 replies

Malldelly · 15/08/2021 11:25

I was shopping with my partner of 3 years the other day. I come around the end of the aisle, he's at the other end and hasn't seen me yet, and a woman no older than early twenties maybe even younger and wearing a very short skirt is walking towards him. He eyes her up and down. It was so obvious that even I notice it from the other end of the aisle. He's 41 years old and all his previous girlfriends have been much younger, I feel old and this definitely doesn't help. I had it out with him, he thinks he's done nothing wrong, that men notice women but I feel like it was so obvious he was checking her out he might as well have handed her his phone number. Who's being unreasonable here?

OP posts:

kurtney · 15/08/2021 11:55

The thing is it's not his usual behaviour

Are you sure? You said in your OP that he didn't know you were there. So he doesn't normally do it when you're about which means he can not look or be discreet about it if he wants to. He just thought you weren't looking this time.

As others have said, this isn't about you or your age or what you look like compared to anyone else. It's solely on him.

BrilliantBetty · 15/08/2021 11:56

Hope she didn't notice, I remember feeling harassed by gross old men openly staring / leering at me as a young thing.

I'd be turned off, honestly.
Noticing an attractive person is one thing but full on checking them out is another.

THisbackwithavengeance · 15/08/2021 12:00

We all notice attractive people - whether male or female.

I might notice an attractive young man or women (I'm 50) and think to myself oh he or she is nice looking. Or see someone on telly and remark to DH that so and so is really good looking, has a great body, fantastic hair or whatever.

But noticeably and blatantly staring at someone up and down with your tongue hanging out.... nah.

It's rude, disrespectful and bad mannered.

VladmirsPoutine · 15/08/2021 12:02

Being checked out my middle aged men as a young woman is particularly gross. It's not complimentary and I don't believe men just "can't help it." Call me dramatic but it's an invasion of sorts.

I don't think yabu but then what can you do? He sees no harm in his actions and it's unlikely he's going to stop doing so.

Original poster

Malldelly · 15/08/2021 12:02

He's not gross or old, he's very attractive and I'm sure if he wanted to date someone in their twenties he probably could. That's what's depressing me. I just can't imagine being with someone that young now. I was recently hit on by a work colleague in his mid twenties and it freaked me out a bit. It just seems like it's different for men.

OP posts:

Original poster

Malldelly · 15/08/2021 12:03

Yes, the fact it was so obvious pissed me off too

OP posts:

BrilliantBetty · 15/08/2021 12:09

He's not gross or old

Yes he is. To the late teen/ early 20s.

Gosh at 19 I thought 25 was really old! And your idea of attractive might well not be hers.. she shouldn't have to put up with being openly ogled by anyone. Regardless of age or look.

OhWhyNot · 15/08/2021 12:12

I am quite sure the young women he was so obviously letching over would have thought he was gross and disgusting because that behaviour is

He is already impacting your self confidence too

You have seen him for who he is now it’s your choice do you want to be with a man like that

Dorisbonson · 15/08/2021 12:16

It depends how he did it, if he was obviously ogling in an indiscreet and leering manner then it is a bit creepy. If he was just looking then it is difficult to see what the issue is.

Original poster

Malldelly · 15/08/2021 12:17

I did tell him women don't appreciate being leered at, and he did say sorry but also that it's normal for men to look. I just feel like I'm losing perspective and I go from feeling like I should get over it to no, it's absolutely not acceptable.

OP posts:

LaikO · 15/08/2021 12:17

I don't think anyone thinks that their partner won't notice that other people are attractive, but I'm surprised you've had some replies saying he's done nothing wrong, how odd! He was very openly leering at a younger woman, it's creepy and would make me uncomfortable to witness as a bystander, even worse if I were the woman in question!

HavelockVetinari · 15/08/2021 12:18

He's 41 years of age, how has he not learned to look discreetly like the vast majority of men? I'm not fool enough to think most men don't enjoy looking at a pretty young woman, but it's incredibly rude to ogle her like that. He sounds pretty immature.

VladmirsPoutine · 15/08/2021 12:18

Is the issue more that you feel that you're getting 'past it' whatever past it really means? His actions certainly don't help but do you feel confident in yourself?

DillonPanthersTexas · 15/08/2021 12:26

Men seem to get a free pass on this as though they can't help staring and eyeing up an attractive woman. They can, they just don't care not enough not to.

I would say it's the other way around. If MN is anything to go by men certainly don't get a free pass. I was at Henley regatta yesterday, the place was full of 6ft plus, broad shouldered strapping ultra fit young men wandering about in tight lycra all in one race gear. No shortage of women, young and old, literally pointing out and sizing up these athletes as they walked past carrying boats and equipment. These women were certainly not just glancing at these men.

Original poster

Malldelly · 15/08/2021 12:27

I feel confident enough in that I think I look good for my age but I'm 41, I can't compete with a 20 year old. Nor should I have to.

OP posts:

newnortherner111 · 15/08/2021 12:36

A glance is very different from what you witnessed and described as leering, and YANBU to not like it. To say nothing of how the young woman might have felt. It may be 'normal' or commonplace, but that does not make it right.

isthisareverse · 15/08/2021 12:39

It's the fact it's so noticeable your issue. It is rude and creepy.

By itself, finding an attractive woman.. attractive? It's normal and absolutely fine. 20 yo is an adult.

kurtney · 15/08/2021 12:42

And I wonder how many of those men felt threatened or worried that one of the women was going to follow them and corner them and grope them or worse. I wonder how many of those men put their keys between their fingers 'just in case' or got their friends or the police up on their phone in case they needed to dial someone quickly.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say zero.

None of which makes what the women were doing was ok and I'm not even vaguely suggesting that OP's partners would do something like that. But if you can't see the difference between men seeing women as public property to openly leer at and women sometimes doing the same, I can't help you.

bungaloid · 15/08/2021 12:42

It's a fine line between subtlety admiring someone and leering I suppose. Assuming he didn't start rubbing his thighs Vic Reeves style? Does it make you any more comfortable knowing that all men are mentally undressing you, providing they do it discreetly? I'm not sure the mantra "young enough to be his daughter" has stopped that many men.

AlexCookie · 15/08/2021 12:43

This is a tricky one. I'm in my 30's now and naturally as you get older those little voices start creeping in to your head saying am I still attractive. Am I loosing my looks?

So when another guy checks you out it's sort of validation that you are still attractive. I know it doesn't really matter and we should all be comfortable with ourselves but being complimented or checkout feels nice.

As for checking out another women I think anyone who says they don't is lieing.

We all do it subconsciously on a sort of primitive cave person level because it's a way to see if we are being threatened or to protect our partner. I actively discuss things with my partner like this which is good. He'd prefer it this way if someone keeps these things from you then it makes it secretive. Being honest about it shows that you want to engage your partner in. Obviously I re-enforce all the time that I only want to be with him and no one else interests me.

Original poster

Malldelly · 15/08/2021 12:44

I think I just needed to know I'm not being unreasonable and letting my own insecurities blow something out of perspective. Thanks for all the replies

OP posts:

PawPawPaw · 15/08/2021 12:47

Ask him how he would feel if an average looking 60 plus year old woman started giving him the eye.

Repulsed I would imagine!

Then tell him that’s what it feels like be a young girl perved over by a middle aged creep.

FloFloFloFloFlo · 15/08/2021 12:52

What’s with all the age gap threads on here recently?

Of course someone is going to notice that someone else is attractive. My problem is with him potentially making the woman uncomfortable. I’ve noticed it sometimes is a power play for some people.

malificent7 · 15/08/2021 12:57

I went on holiday and got oggled by men half ny age (im 43).( Misses point if thread entirely!).
I do catch my dp doing sideways glances..normally acvomoanued by a squeeze of my hand but i look at handsome men subtely.
I do think it's gross when men openly oggle women regardless of age when with their partners though.

SuperSketchy · 15/08/2021 13:00

@FloFloFloFloFlo

What’s with all the age gap threads on here recently?

Of course someone is going to notice that someone else is attractive. My problem is with him potentially making the woman uncomfortable. I’ve noticed it sometimes is a power play for some people.

Yes I agree. The very obvious oggling is a power play. I've seen men doing it in a much more obvious way while in big groups for the benefit of the other men they are with. Because, I think, women are less able to object when it's a big group of lairy men.

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