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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with MIL?

62 replies

Cutie18327 · 14/08/2021 19:10

Okay so long story cut short...

Myself and hubby are expecting our first child (I'm 39 weeks pregnant) and my MIL who currently lives abroad after her husband died stays with us whenever she comes to England (she has a house here but it's being rented so that she can live off of the income and not work, we also get a share of that rental because my husband is the one who manages it).

Now she arrived here two weeks ago and is staying until October, so until I've had the baby supposedly to help and to bond with her first grandchild. Since she has been here, she has not lifted a finger with the cooking at all. Unless something is actually put in front of her, she doesn't eat. So sometimes my husband will make her lunch, but a couple of times we have been out and she does not eat. Usually I make the dinner, but she does not help apart from a feeble 'Do you need anything' whilst she is sitting in the living room with her feet up. I feel like I can't just sort myself out food because it would be rude and sometimes I end up not able to eat because I feel awkward. She has done a bit of cleaning here and there but by large she hasn't really lifted a finger and I am worried about the extra burden on me when the baby comes. I don't want to have to be feeding and looking after a visitor!! The whole idea is that she is supposed to be here to help but I am getting more and more stressed.

I haven't mentioned my husbands contribution because he is very busy doing house DIY stuff and he does pull his weight...she also orders him around to make her tea (which he does) endlessly which also gets on my nerves.

AIBU? How do I navigate? I'm losing my patience and she still has another 2 months of being here...!

OP posts:
MinnieMountain · 14/08/2021 19:13

Tell your DH to have a word with her.

Theunamedcat · 14/08/2021 19:15

If she feebly asks if she can do anything start with "im glad you asked" and put in a list if she orders your husband to make a cup of tea say great idea you pop the kettle on mil dh will be along in a moment

Have a word with your husband and explain this will not continue

Tilly18101 · 14/08/2021 19:15

Oh my! You definitely need to set boundaries and quickly before baby arrives! Otherwise you’re going to end up exploding in the future holding it all in now, if she is capable to cook she should be helping, and contributing to your household not just watching TV like a one night guest. Oh you have my full sympathy I can imagine it’s really tough.

I’m also expecting FTM and have been very very clear with both sets of GP’s that they are welcome to visit of course once we are home/settled, but we will not be hosting at all with a new baby. I’m certainly not whipping up any Sunday lunches and neither is my husband. If they want a brew/coffee/biscuit, the kitchen will be stocked but they will be helping themselves. If they want to eat, they can help themselves, go out or order in. Non-negotiable!

Goneblank38 · 14/08/2021 19:17

Your husband needs to talk to her before the baby arrives.

Is she quite elderly?

Jammysod · 14/08/2021 19:17

I'd stop making meals for her for a start - just make your own, then tell her to help herself if she's hungry.

DH needs to have a word before baby is born - you need to recover/bond with baby, not worry about catering to her needs for months.

mutedrainbows · 14/08/2021 19:18

Is she able bodied?

I'd start asking her to help with things ASAP. Announce that the house needs a deep clean before the baby arrives and which rooms would she like to take charge of - or she can work on batch cooking some meals for the freezer 😊

Notaroadrunner · 14/08/2021 19:19

Tell your Dh she has to either get off her arse and help out, or leave. Why would you agree to her staying for so long? Surely you knew what she was like if she's stayed before.

TillyTopper · 14/08/2021 19:22

She needs to move to an AirBnb or similar before the baby comes! Get DH to talk to her and seek out options online. Obviously she is not going to move whilst she has it so good.

WrongKindOfFace · 14/08/2021 19:22

Assuming she’s fit and well, and not pushing 90, I think your husband needs to be blunt with her - surely she’s there to help you, not be waited on hand and foot?

Feelingoktoday · 14/08/2021 19:22

How old is she? This isn’t a new arrangement so why has it not been sorted beforehand.

If she moves back to her own house you will lose the income.

Fatboyslimschin · 14/08/2021 19:44

I's actually skip speaking to your dh about her. She is a grown women living in another grown woman's house - she needs to pull her weight regardless if she is your dh mum (unless she is elderly)

Put a pile of washing in the basket in front of her and ask her to fold it, whilst you sort something out.

When she is next in kitchen show her how to put the washing machine on - as I'm sure she will be washing plenty of baby's new clothes....

If she asks if you need anything, say yes, that you'd love help and a bit of a natter whilst making lunch, dinner or "I love a cup if tea if you fancy making one whilst I do lunch.

When making the beds, tell her "I'm going to strip my bed can you just do yours so we can get them in together"

Stop treating her like a guest, she isn't. she is supposed to be there to help - that was the agreement, so involve her.

"mil, im struggling to clean the bathroom with my big bump can you give me hand as DH is busy'.

Set out your stall now, involve her, talk about when the baby comes and how much you appreciate she has come to help. Talk to your Dh about what your going to do so he involves her too - and regarding the endless cups of tea, tell him to stop or reduce it. If she asks for one whilst he is busy ask him to tell her ' I will do in a bit mam I'm just busy, do you fancy putting the kettle on for us all'

As far as eating out and not eating you will just have to suck that up, my mil was the same. We went for lunch some where where it was £50 a head and she ate nothing. - lesson learned she never came out with us again.

Freddiefox · 14/08/2021 19:58

When she asks if you need any help. Say yes! Give her a list of jobs to do. Or better still get your dh to get her to help.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 14/08/2021 20:01

Maybe she is not sure what to do? My daughter has her "one right way" to do laundry and "one right way" to load dishwasher, etc. When I try to help she sighs, rolls her eyes, and refolds or reloads what I have just done.
Maybe give her specific suggestions -- "MIL, your special recipe Oyster Spaghetti is so good. Would you do it for dinner tonight? I have all the ingredients." Then walk out of the kitchen and leave her to it.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 14/08/2021 20:09

You are mad having her stay for this long. Either you or DH is going to have to have a word. Maybe she thinks you will be offended if she starts cleaning stuff and helping herself to food, so make it clear that you definitely won't be getting annoyed and would like her to make food for herself etc. Ask her to do things. If she's reluctant then it's time to tell your DH that this arrangement isn't working out for you anymore.
Or let your husband do it all - he might tell her himself to go home!

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 14/08/2021 20:13

Does she feel comfortable to make herself something to eat? Is she contributing to the food bill?

I would ask her what she wants when you go shopping if you are OK paying for it. Say you have noticed she doesn't always eat. If she calls when you are cooking tell her you could use some help chopping some veg.

Don't silently get annoyed, you are the only person suffering here.

Gerwurtztraminer · 14/08/2021 20:18

Why can't you and DH be more assertive? Why do you care if it feels rude? Are there relationship issues making you reluctant to speak up?

What's holding you back other than misplaced politeness.

As for not eating - are you quite sure she'd let herself starve? Doubt it. She's either sneaking food and eating in her room, or just waiting knowing you'll crack.

Tell her now what you need and how it will change even more after baby arrives - no more expecting you to cook, she has to take turns with all household tasks and DH will not be tea making on demand as he'll be dancing attendance on you and baby. You have no idea how the birth and post natal period will go. It might be fine or you might have physical complications or other challenges. Tell her now she needs to step up and prepared for that, or go home early.

It's not rude to say this, she is rude to treat your house like a hotel.

Even if it feels rude, so what? You have every right to expect her to contribute. It's her grandchild on the way, she should want to help.

Hiphopboppertybop99 · 14/08/2021 20:18

As PPs have said when she asks van she do anything, there is your chance " yes ease could you do X.. Thank you. I haven't been able to do Y... please could you? Thanks "
When baby is born just say to her "MIL, please feel free to make yourself breakfast/ lunch/ tea / coffee or whatever as I'll be feeding / looking after baby / napping when i can as my priority. If you need any help ask your son."
Hopefully she will take the home you won't be waiting on her hand and foot anymore. Good luck.

Greenrubber · 14/08/2021 20:26

@Cutie18327

Just wanted to wish you all the best I know exactly how you feel
I have baby number 2 coming soon I've managed to talk MIL into waiting a week after the baby is here before she visits as I just want time to heal and not look after her also
I won't be allowed to go over so I'm hoping baby comes a little early Grin

Greenrubber · 14/08/2021 20:30

@GeorgiaGirl52
I'm a bit like your daughter lol
I feel other people just make more work for me! so that is why I also ask myself why do they think they are helping they know I always end up doing everything anyway!

flameycakes · 14/08/2021 20:31

Stop pandering to her. Look after your own needs, she will soon get the message if you stop making her food etc. So what if it's rude, she doesn't seem to worry about how rude she is to you

MsHedgehog · 14/08/2021 20:48

YABU for using “hubby”.

No, not really...I couldn’t resist! It’s one of those classic MN responses and thought I’d get in there first!

MsHedgehog · 14/08/2021 20:50

And you are definitely not being unreasonable. Your MIL is meant to be supporting you, not the other way round!

Sceptre86 · 14/08/2021 22:22

Ypu haven't mentioned how old she is. If she was late 70s or in her 80s I would day yabu but it should be your oh cooking for her not you at 39 weeks pregnant. If she is in her 50s or60s and in good health then I would expect some help and ask for it. You need to be more direct and say I'd appreciate you taking over the cooking now as I'm struggling being on my feet too long. Ask if she can make some meals for the freezer. If she expects to be waited on then she will be of no use to you and your dh needs to tell her that so she can make other arrangements.

Cherrysoup · 14/08/2021 22:26

Good Lord, send her some Airbnb adverts! Your dh needs to step up and tell her, big time. He should remind her she has come to ‘help’ but is actually creating more work, which is ridiculous given you’re about to pop.

Shoxfordian · 14/08/2021 22:27

How have you agreed to her staying until October?!