To be annoyed with MIL?

[Cutie18327]

Okay so long story cut short...

Myself and hubby are expecting our first child (I'm 39 weeks pregnant) and my MIL who currently lives abroad after her husband died stays with us whenever she comes to England (she has a house here but it's being rented so that she can live off of the income and not work, we also get a share of that rental because my husband is the one who manages it).

Now she arrived here two weeks ago and is staying until October, so until I've had the baby supposedly to help and to bond with her first grandchild. Since she has been here, she has not lifted a finger with the cooking at all. Unless something is actually put in front of her, she doesn't eat. So sometimes my husband will make her lunch, but a couple of times we have been out and she does not eat. Usually I make the dinner, but she does not help apart from a feeble 'Do you need anything' whilst she is sitting in the living room with her feet up. I feel like I can't just sort myself out food because it would be rude and sometimes I end up not able to eat because I feel awkward. She has done a bit of cleaning here and there but by large she hasn't really lifted a finger and I am worried about the extra burden on me when the baby comes. I don't want to have to be feeding and looking after a visitor!! The whole idea is that she is supposed to be here to help but I am getting more and more stressed.

I haven't mentioned my husbands contribution because he is very busy doing house DIY stuff and he does pull his weight...she also orders him around to make her tea (which he does) endlessly which also gets on my nerves.

AIBU? How do I navigate? I'm losing my patience and she still has another 2 months of being here...!

It would be cheaper to pay her to stay in an AirBnB than it would be to get divorced. Which is exactly what you will want to do when you realise having your MIL in the house post-birth and the pathetic way your DH has dealt with it has given you PND and ruined the first few months of your DC's life. The resentment will eat at you. When you can't wander round the house with antenatal insomnia, when you are aching all over from lack of sleep and birth injuries and you are having to make her dinner because otherwise you won't get to eat. When you are leaking at all ends and she's sitting on the sofa doing fuck all. All you will be thinking off is Go Away.

Actually asking someone else to do something I find rather uncomfortable hence why I am quietly seething as opposed to outright being straight with her. I know it's not a great trait of mine.

Sorry but this situation isn't going to resolve itself.

Either you need to say something or your DH does.

Or you'll just have to carry on seething, while sleep-deprived, with a newborn latched onto your boob, while this woman sits with her feet up watching TV and with you and DH at her back and call.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Actually asking someone else to do something I find rather uncomfortable hence why I am quietly seething as opposed to outright being straight with her. I know it's not a great trait of mine.

Sorry but this situation isn't going to resolve itself.

Either you need to say something or your DH does.

Or you'll just have to carry on seething, while sleep-deprived, with a newborn latched onto your boob, while this woman sits with her feet up watching TV and with you and DH at her back and call.

This!

Better to have an awkward conversation than put up with this for MONTHS!

After having a very detailed and long conversation with my husband (he was very understanding and sympathetic, despite some comments he definitely does see the issues and is willing to try and resolve them first before escalating the situation), we have decided that he is going to talk with her without me around first of all as a buffer then we will have a conversation together. I have said in no uncertain terms, that kitchen duty will be completely his once the baby comes and I will start making lists of chores that need doing and putting it on the fridge for them to work through.

It just frustrates me that a houseguest wouldn't take the initiative themselves to get involved but I guess people are different. Plus my own mother is an absolute godsend and I will be welcoming her with open arms as often as she would like to come (she always comes armed with shopping to cook or pre cooked food) and will be asking her to involve MIL much more if possible.

Someone mentioned bonding activities between me and her and I do think that they help so I will definitely try that too.

As an amendment to the above post, my husband spoke with her early in the morning at the moment and I woke up to find that she has mopped, cleaned the kitchen and offered to hoover so fingers crossed we are heading in the right direction!

She does sound hard work, however I’m a bit confused. With the dinner, are you not just making a bit extra of whatever you are having for her? So if you are doing spag Bol, making it for 3 rather than 2? Or it’s it’s jacket potatoes and cheese just putting an extra potato in the oven. Then it’s obviously up to her if she wants it. Or you could say, ‘I’m doing chilli con carne, would you like some?’.

With the not helping in other ways, I agree with other posters, just give her some jobs to do.

Also I would say to your DH to say something along the lines of ‘mum you aren’t a guest here, you are family, so please help yourself to cups of tea whenever you want’ if she asks for a cup of tea he says ‘ooh yeah that’s a good idea, do you want to stick the kettle on and get the cups out, I’ll just finish this job…’

@Cutie18327

As an amendment to the above post, my husband spoke with her early in the morning at the moment and I woke up to find that she has mopped, cleaned the kitchen and offered to hoover so fingers crossed we are heading in the right direction!

Oh bless her, that’s brilliant. Maybe she didn’t know how happy you are to have her do these things.

@Cutie18327

As an amendment to the above post, my husband spoke with her early in the morning at the moment and I woke up to find that she has mopped, cleaned the kitchen and offered to hoover so fingers crossed we are heading in the right direction!

oh lord...

Im always wary of the extremes in behaviour ... 🤣

Also just to add no it’s not a great trait to not be able to say what you need and then quietly seethe at someone when they don’t read your mind. I think you’ve done the right thing speaking to DH but I also think it would be worth trying to work on being able to assertively ask for what you need :’morning MIL, I’d really like to get all the washing done this morning, do you think you’d be able to help me’ or ‘I’ve got a shopping list here, do you think you’d be able to go and do it for me’

@QueenBee52...exactly.

So she has been playing 90 expecting a pregnant woman to be house skivvy, but once spoken to is suddenly doing super cleaner on it?🙄

I wouldn't hold my breath OP, she sounds like a piece of work!

To be fair, if the DH had spoken to the mil and she'd done nothing, people would be criticising her. She's shown willing. What you need to be aware of is flash in the pan changes. If this arrangement is going to work then it will need to be sustainable change that everyone is happy about.
The real test will be once the baby is born. Many new mothers feel more territorial about their homes and babies, once born, than they anticipated feeling beforehand. I often just wanted to retreat to my bedroom with my baby. I guess how this goes will hinge on whether your mil is sensitive and gives you and DH space to bond and just be or whether she will try to commandeer the baby. Even nice people with the best of intentions don't appreciate just how much they will love the new baby and this can be hard for mils because they have all this family love but they aren't the mum or the mum's mum! Which is why it's not great to be living together. I hope it works out for you all but remember it is okay to change your mind about this arrangement if it doesn't. You don't owe it to anyone to live like this if it stops work for you

[quote billy1966]@QueenBee52...exactly.

So she has been playing 90 expecting a pregnant woman to be house skivvy, but once spoken to is suddenly doing super cleaner on it?🙄

I wouldn't hold my breath OP, she sounds like a piece of work![/quote]

yip 😳