To be annoyed with MIL?

[Cutie18327]

Okay so long story cut short...

Myself and hubby are expecting our first child (I'm 39 weeks pregnant) and my MIL who currently lives abroad after her husband died stays with us whenever she comes to England (she has a house here but it's being rented so that she can live off of the income and not work, we also get a share of that rental because my husband is the one who manages it).

Now she arrived here two weeks ago and is staying until October, so until I've had the baby supposedly to help and to bond with her first grandchild. Since she has been here, she has not lifted a finger with the cooking at all. Unless something is actually put in front of her, she doesn't eat. So sometimes my husband will make her lunch, but a couple of times we have been out and she does not eat. Usually I make the dinner, but she does not help apart from a feeble 'Do you need anything' whilst she is sitting in the living room with her feet up. I feel like I can't just sort myself out food because it would be rude and sometimes I end up not able to eat because I feel awkward. She has done a bit of cleaning here and there but by large she hasn't really lifted a finger and I am worried about the extra burden on me when the baby comes. I don't want to have to be feeding and looking after a visitor!! The whole idea is that she is supposed to be here to help but I am getting more and more stressed.

I haven't mentioned my husbands contribution because he is very busy doing house DIY stuff and he does pull his weight...she also orders him around to make her tea (which he does) endlessly which also gets on my nerves.

AIBU? How do I navigate? I'm losing my patience and she still has another 2 months of being here...!

Ask her to do stuff. She's on a no win situation - she helps herself then she's too forward and interfering, then if she doesn't help then you feel put upon.

Have a chat with her and ask her to do stuff.

You need to talk to your DH and have her staying somewhere else near by before the baby comes.

Why did you agree to this?
Next time she offers help ignore the feeble tone and say yes then give things to do. Or just tell her straight what you need from her.

Honestly this isn't going to do your relationship with DH or MIL any good if you don't set this straight now. Your resentment will build and then you will snap.

You seriously need to have a sit down with your husband, I don't think you both have fully comprehended the newborn stage and how much this set up has the potential to be a ticking time bomb that will have long term repercussions with your family and relationship.

Your 39 weeks pregnant and stressed imagine 1/2 weeks time when your sleep deprived, constipated standing in your bedroom naked using a hairdryer to dry your vagina cause you can't touch the stitches, having post delivery contractions (fucking astounding no one tells you about that) whilst still bleeding and thats without the day 3 baby blues.

This women unless you are extremely close to her will be seeing you at your most vulnerable....you are going to want to kill her if she asks you for a cup of tea.

I was going to post a fluffy congratulations posts and genuinely newborns are lovely and squidgy and it will be the most amazing feeling in the world holding your baby but that first 10 days is a reality check of your new normal coming at you like a freight train and its better to be prepared.

This is not fair on you. Your baby does not need you to be stressed. If you can't get her out of your house, at least tell her what needs doing. As for offending her by getting yourself food, you are perfectly entitled to in your own home. It's her who is being rude, not you.

You need to be very direct about it. Either you or DH.

Sit her down and say, "When baby comes, I will not be cooking for you. Not will DH. I would really appreciate if you could do A, B, and C everyday and support us as we get to grips with being parents for the first time.

If you cannot contribute to the general running of the house, it would be better if you could stay at a hotel. This would be shame but we cannot continue to keep running around you while looking after a newborn."

Or something along those lines depending on what sort of person you are. But you need to sort it NOW.

You don't need this stress at 39 weeks!

My MIL has never stayed more than 3 nights-I can’t imagine anyone staying for that long.

She needs to leave-this is crazy! What does your husband think? She’s there to help but isn’t helping, then she can go!!

I’d be putting her on the plane home and say she can come for no longer than 10 days no sooner than 2 weeks after the birth.

Has your DH got siblings or cousins or aunts and uncles she could stay with?

At the very least tell her that it will help if she takes over some significant jobs. Cooking 4 nights a week, for example.

Is your own Mum nearby? Or a sister? Honestly after the baby is born and your DH goes back to work I would go and stay with another family member for 5 days.

This will drive you beyond the edge of reason.

Who suggested that she came?

What discussion was had at the time of this suggestion about what this visit would look like? Who was it benefiting?

August to October is a VERY long time to stay with someone.

You should have had basic rules when she arrived, based on her ability, unless very frail it’s not ok.
I stay with family abroad, about 5 days, I always cook, pay for shopping and help out, it’s the right thing to do unless I’m really unwell

Give her a copy of 'The First Forty Days - The Essential Art of Nourishing a New Mother' to read. Tell her that you will be focused on recuperating and bonding with the baby post-birth, not feeding everyone else and running the household as per usual, and the best way she can support you is by preparing some of the nutritious recipes included.

Tell her straight if she plans to eat she can cook. If she plans to stay she can help out. Set some house rules now and say once baby comes I cannot be running about after you and neither can dh. If you want to be here you pitch in. Do it sooner than later.

Thank you all for your responses. To address a few common questions!

• She is 52, so is not old by any chance. She is fit and able bodied and is fully retired. My own mum is 56, less fit, and still manages to help considerably when she comes.

• The agreement always was that she would stay with us when she came. My DH has no other siblings so it's all on his shoulders. We are accommodating to each others parents, I never imagined it would be quite this bad.

• I am generally a very shy and quiet person. Actually asking someone else to do something I find rather uncomfortable hence why I am quietly seething as opposed to outright being straight with her. I know it's not a great trait of mine.

I think I will be having a word with DH about the division of work. He currently thinks she is suffering depression...I personally think she's using that as an excuse but he has more patience than me 😬

I know this will be of no help to you but as soon as the idea of her coming to stay for months to 'bond with the baby' or whatever was mooted 'd have put my foot firmly down. Absolutely NOT.

Anyway, get your husband to have a word. I do hope for all your sakes that when baby arrives she won't be criticising your parenting or how you do things and generally wading in to take baby off you.

Stop cooking and providing her with food. It’s not your job to ensure she eats. The cooking should be on the other 2 adults in the house now. You need to lay the law down now with your DH, because in a few days/weeks you will be at your most vulnerable. If she has depression then she is not the right person to be staying with you right now, that may sound harsh but I have depression myself and I wouldn’t dream of going to stay with someone who is just about to have a baby unless I knew I would be of use to them.

Hah, depression. Is your DH always blind to his mother's behavior?

You really need to have a talk with your DH and find your backbone or you will be at high risk of PND. This will not get better on its own.

Good luck getting dh onside, you're going to need it.

I thought she was going to be about 80 years old! She’s younger than me! Your DH needs to give her jobs to do. Things like vacuuming and emptying the dishwasher. If she doesn’t eat, that’s her lookout. She’s not a child.

Where does your own Mum live?

How will she get chance to see your baby?

I think pushing this off on to your DH is a poor approach. Generally I agree with each partner dealing with their own parents, but you are the one spending all the time with her, you are the one whose needs need accommodating. Having your DH mediate everything is impractical and liable to create misunderstanding and resentment.

You really need to learn to ask for what you need from her in a nice way. When she asks 'Do you need anything' tell her 'Yes, actually. It would be great if you could....'

Think about what you would like her to be doing once the baby arrives - say laundry is on the list, then next week, when it's time to do some, say to her 'MiL, why don't I show you how the washing machine works so you can help out once the baby arrives.'

Also, you might try and do some more social things with her - take her out for afternoon tea or just a coffee at a local Costa, maybe find a TV program you both like and watch together. She's going to be hanging out for months and you want to be comfortable when the baby's here. Good relationships with extended family don't just happen. Ideally there's a bit of chemistry, if not it's normally the older relative who leads the way, but if that isn't happening it's down to you.

Being shy makes it harder, but it doesn't let you off the hook, the chasm between you is going to be there until one of you finds a way to make a connection and you are the only one you can make do this. Besides, this will be good practice for being a mum - you need to be able to advocate for what your child needs and being too shy to do make connections will be a disadvantage. Practice really helps, honestly, it gets easier.

If she's come with the intention to help with the baby, I'd be worried that she'll be taking over baby duties whilst you do the housework and cooking, which is absolutely not what you want, it needs to be the reverse of that!

I'd stop making meals for her for a start - just make your own, then tell her to help herself if she's hungry.
Wow!
OP, it sounds as though you've all slipped into roles that don't make for harmonious house sharing. Your MIL has tentatively offered to help and it's been turned down so has become the pampered guest - what would the reaction have been on here if she'd arrived, all guns blazing, and reorganised your cutlery drawer and washed your smalls by hand? There is a middle ground and I'd have a sit down with just her (ask her to make you both a coffee as you want to talk about what will happen when baby comes) and then tell her that you'd like her help around the house now you're so big and what does she feel happy to take on? Tell her how you think the first couple of weeks will pan out and how lovely it would be if you knew she was on top of everything else to make life easier while you enjoy baby. Please don't be mean to her (can't believe some of the nasty comments on here) but decide beforehand what you want to get out of the chat and don't give up until you know she gets it. You can tell her son afterwards what's been agreed so that he supports you and there's no backsliding!

She needs to leave. Ignore the ‘don’t be mean’ comments.

OP,

52?

I mean this very kindly, but you have been had and have been very dim to agree to her moving in for months.

She is a user.

This is going to get a lot lot worse.

She is going to ruin this time for you.

She is likely to stress you so much that you will get a bit of PND from it.

You need to stand up for yourself.

I'm 56 and have 4 children that I run around after so a 52 year old woman expecting to be waited on is utterly taking the piss.

You are being hugely used by this very selfish woman.

Wake up and deal with it by moving home to your mothers and telling your husband you will not be returning on till she is gone or suck it up and accept an utterly miserable time living with her whenever she wants for the next 40 years.

52!!!!!!!!!!! She needs to go and live in her own property. Cheeky cow. So she has retired because she rents out her house so generates an income and then dosses at yours for free for undefined periods of time. She needs to go and rent somewhere else. It doesn’t work like that.

Babies change things. Just because this was the arrangement, it doesn't mean you have to keep to it forever. You mil is still a young woman and should be running her own household, not living with you for months at a time. Being understanding of each others families is good but it doesn't extend to living with them frequently, for large chunks of time. Your husband shouldn't have asked this of you. Him being an only child doesn't mean he's responsible for his mum's life and happiness.
You know she can probably only retire because she's living off the money she makes renting out her house, whilst living with you. You are likely finding this arrangement. And if not, then she can afford to leave.
It's honestly not wrong to want your home to yourselves while raising your own family and being a young couple.
If you are genuinely happy with this arrangement, then you have to find your voice because resentment will only grow if you don't.
Personally I'd be telling both her and DH that this isn't making me happy anymore.

Ahhh shes 52?!? Tell your husband to have a word with her! Make up the list of house tasks and leave it to him to split them with her