AIBU to ask my mother to stop turning up?

[JillyPooper123]

I have a complicated relationship with my mother as do both my siblings.

She has always been very controlling, jealous, insecure, dramatic, paranoid and unable to see other people’s emotional needs or respect their boundaries. She always sees (and presents) herself as a victim and never in my life have I ever heard her say sorry, somehow any harm she causes is always your fault.

I have spent a lifetime trying to make sense of her behaviour. As a child she would rant at me about her problems (usually paranoid delusions) and expect me to come up with the answer. When I inevitably couldn’t she would get angrier with me, call me pathetic and useless etc. She has always made me feel that I can’t be myself around her because I’m such a disappointment. I was always chubby and not dainty, not clever enough or high achieving enough. After years of trying and failing to please her I gave up and have seen therapists to keep myself on track.

One of the things I’ve always struggled with and is getting worse is that she turns up at my house unannounced and uninvited all the time. She lets herself in and expects me to drop everything and give her my undivided attention because she wants to moan about something that’s upset her. Nothing I say makes it better. If I don’t give her my attention she sulks and slams about. She often accuses me of things I haven’t done because she is paranoid. I have to tread on eggshells around her and I don’t want it in my home. If I lock the doors she bangs on windows and has even come upstairs when I’m in the shower. I have no privacy to live my life. I feel trapped when she’s here and I can’t be myself.

I have children with special needs and a partner with depression and I want to protect their privacy too. My partner runs a small business and works from home and I have recently had to fight to carve out time to start working freelance.

I’m currently sat in my office crying, she has been here for an hour expecting my attention and I can’t face her. I’ve told her I have to work but she just won’t leave. I have a deadline next week and only a bit of time to prepare.

In the past I have tried to diplomatically explain that I need her to check in with me before turning up but this has only made things worse and if anything she turns up more than before without warning.

The thing is I know if I really tell her explicitly she will make me out to be a monster to my extended family who live far enough away to not see the whole picture. They already say things when I see them that don’t make sense like “It’s a shame you didn’t turn up last time. We came all the way down to see you, your mum said you’d asked for us and then you never showed up” when I haven’t asked for them at all. She enjoys having control so if she wants people to visit she’ll say I’ve requested them specifically even though I know nothing about it.

I know this will be upsetting for some people to read, especially if they have had good relationships with their mums and they have sadly lost them. I’m sorry if this upsets anyone in this way. I just don’t have that type of relationship with my mum. I know she’s my mum and of course I do have reasons to be grateful, she did her best but i suspect she has a personality disorder so I don’t think motherhood was easy for her, or any relationships for that matter.

If anyone reading this has ever had a similar relationship with their mother how did you cope with it and am I being unfair?

I have to say I’m feeling a bit better already just sharing this on here so thanks for reading this far, sorry it’s been a bit of a ramble.

I haven’t been through the same thing, but I found therapy really useful for learning how to set boundaries to protect myself and my children. It also helped me to deal with the kind of extended family comments you’ve been getting.

You’re not being at all unreasonable. You can’t change how your mother behaves so the only thing you can do is change how you respond to her. The first (and hardest) step is to decide you don’t really care what she says to you, or about you. I found this easier to do when I realised the person in my family who was ignoring my boundaries didn’t really seem to care about how I felt. So I didn’t have any responsibility to care how he felt.

It’s hard, but making those changes is worth it. Good luck.

She sounds like a nightmare! You say she lets herself in? So firstly just change the locks and don’t tell her. Just do it. Then ignore the door every single time she shows up. I know it sounds hard and I get that putting boundaries in place with parents is difficult, I genuinely do. But nothing will change until you do something. I totally get the anxiety of just waiting for someone to pop up at the door unannounced when you’re busy etc. It’s hell. Good luck

Can you try setting some boundaries by perhaps saying, ‘ let’s arrange a time to meet up next time so I can make sure I’m free? How about Thursday at 4? I’m free then until I have to go out at 5.30.’

Be clear about all the details and then stick to them. If she moans just look sympathetic and tell her you really are busy and need to plan your schedule. If she turns up on Tuesday you really do have to refuse to let her in and remind her you are meeting on Thursday. She won’t like it but with a lot of practice I reckon you could make some changes.

I hope you put the other relatives straight about the visit? Mostly people are very aware of the tricks of people like your DM. Maybe ask them to drop you a message to check the arrangements if they are coming again?

I think you need to be more upfront with her and the rest of the family.
Tell her you do not want her calling unannounced. Don't hint, say it outright. Don't be diplomatic, just say it. Change the locks. Tell the rest of the family ( and I bet they do know what she is like) that she lies about you and that if they want to see you when they are in the area could they please contact you direct as your mother doesn't pass on messages and will actively mislead them if it suits her. You don't need to cover for her, or to pretend everything is fine when it isn't.

If what you're doing at the moment isn't helping, and if she's slagging you off to wider family anyway, you might as well make it worth it.

Change the locks (is not expensive at all to change the cylinders, and is an easy two minute DIY job) and simply refuse to give her a key. Of course she'll kick off, but she's doing that anyway. At least you won't have to put up with her constant presence.

Step one. Stop her ability to just walk in. Lock the door or change the locks. If she turns up and knocks the door, say it’s not a good time. Then don’t let her in.

Yes, you will get flack. But it’ll work.

Change the locks and blame it on loosing your keys. When she asks for a copy just keep stalling or saying that eventually you'll get round to it etc but never do.

You change the locks and disengage. Simple things will sort this. You’ve just got to be brave enough and realise that when you do this it’ll not be as bad as you’d feared.

I think the time for diplomacy has gone.

She'll make a drama and a fuss out of whatever you.

Firstly, change the locks.

Secondly, either call her (if you can face it) or send her a letter or email saying that you and your family just can't cope with the unexpected drop-ins. You all have enough on your plate.

And talk to your siblings and get them to back you up.

And be honest with your extended family. Just tell them she's telling them lies and explain how the situation really is.

It's time to step out of the guilt and be able to enjoy being in your home, without worrying about being 'invaded' at any time during the day.

She doesn't care that your DC has special needs, or that your partner has depression. And her behaviour is hardly going to help.

Stand up to her. Stand up for your family. And stand up for yourself.

I know it's easier said that done. But please, please now is the time to do it.

We are here to support you.

Lock the door. Ignore her when she knocks. Invite her over once a week.

And if your family say anything similar, tell them you don’t know what they are talking about.

What everyone else said. This will continue until you put a stop to it.

Tell her to leave now.
Change the locks.
Have counselling.

It sounds like you are stuck in the same relationship you always had with her, it doesn't work for you and you want to change things.

Accept that the relationship between you and your mother is not the one you need or want. Its time to move on with your life. Your mother will have the choice to move with you or stay put; what she chooses to do is not your responsibility and outside of your control.

Accept that you are not going to be able to set reasonable boundaries or ask for reasonable behaviour from a person who is unreasonable.
Accept that you have the right to live in peace in your own home, and to live your life the way you want.

maybe get a ring doorbell so you can check who is there.
but don't talk to her. ignore her at the door, banging on windows etc.
can you keep downstairs windows shaded, blinds or curtains so she cn't look in.
obviously stop her getting in. change locks.
you need to stop being a frightened child round her.
you are grown up now, with your own husband and children to look after.
you must ignore her.
and just state to relatives what the situation is.
don't waste time or emotional energy discussing it, with them or her.
good luck. you can do it. see dr les carter on youtube.

Are you out of you mind putting up with this bullshit from her?

You poor woman.

Change the locks.

Stop allowing her to barge into your life and home.

Your poor family having to have this poison in their lives upsetting their mother.

Do it for your family.

Tell the rest of your family they have NO idea what a complete PITA she is and to butt out.

You owe her NOTHING.

She is a blight on your life.

Start standing up for yourself, you deserve better.

Change the bloody locks.

My mother is the same but thankfully texts rather than turns up so I can ignore her moaning.

In your situation I would change the locks 100%.

I would also arrange to see her at a time that suits you like a previous poster suggested.

Don’t give her a new key. Just say you want to limit those with keys to those who live in the house only. There’s nothing wrong with this.

That’s absolutely dreadful, you must be exhausted. You are not being unreasonable at all. In fact you sound very rational, fair and patient... it’s brilliant that you got yourself into therapy.

Can you bring this up in therapy? Do you still see a therapist?

Your mum sounds very damaged and in turn her behaviour is damaging you. It’s completely reasonable and understandable that you want to implement some healthy boundaries.

Keep this thread going... I’m sure you will get lots of words of encouragement to help you on your way to a better situation... the dynamic has got to shift, you can’t keep putting up with this.

You have my sympathy and respect.

Stop being kind to her. She has demonstrated she does not respect you in any way. She is using you to further her own toxic games. You owe her nothing, you didn't ask to be born.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers is a good place to start on Google.

She is not able to understand or change her behaviour. This will continue unfortunately. In the end I asked for email contact to my husband only. It didn't work fully but it was better. You have my utmost sympathy.

My mum has a similar personality. She burdened me with her problems from about age 6 but also bullied and scapegoated me throughout my childhood. She's similar in that she bitches about me (used to do it in a loud voice on the phone in my hearing)
I've had to become very hardened for my own well being. I don't answer calls/the door unless prearranged. I try to see her once a month max. I grey rock her. I refuse to engage. She isn't on her own She has my dad. She ruined my childhood. She isn't going to ruin my adulthood too.
The way it normally works is people support their children and in turn the grown up child supports them. I supported my mum when she burdened me with her problems as a small child. I've done my bit. My dad who chose to be with her or my golden child sister can support her now

Has she every had treatment for her mental health as it sounds like she has serious psychiatric issues and medication would help. How you would get her to access that is another story.
Could you start a clean slate with her now seeing as you are running a business.?
So tell her clearly you are talking to clients each day from 9 to 5 and she cannot interrupt or you will lose business. So her time to call around is Sat at 3 o'clock. Tell her if she calls at another time you cannot answer the door as you may be in a meeting. Could you hang a sign on your door saying..meeting in progress..please do not interrupt. This even if your work involves no meetings. Keep talking about all the Zoom meetings you are suddenly having. Maybe dress a bit formally so if she is at the door say..Mom you need to go l am just going on a zoom meeting. Don't let her over the threshold.

You don't need to apologise or explain yourself to relatives. She is seriously our of order and can just back right off. They are not living your life.
You are doing nothing wrong.
AND CHANGE THE LOCK IF SHE HAS A KEY!

@saraclara

If what you're doing at the moment isn't helping, and if she's slagging you off to wider family anyway, you might as well make it worth it.

Change the locks (is not expensive at all to change the cylinders, and is an easy two minute DIY job) and simply refuse to give her a key. Of course she'll kick off, but she's doing that anyway. At least you won't have to put up with her constant presence.

This.

I would be telling any extended family members who tell you things like this the truth!

I’m in agreement with many other posters. It’s not acceptable and you have to be absolutely firm, even though you know she’ll be angry, simply because not being firm is causing you a lot of upset and distress and it still isn’t creating a harmonised relationship.

Change the lock and absolutely refuse to let her in if she turns up unannounced, even if she is hammering on the door. Tell her why - because she is invading your privacy by barging in on you, even in the bathroom and when you need to work. Tell her that while it may be a convenient time for her, it is not a convenient time for you so to avoid wasted journeys, she needs to arrange a mutually agreeable time in advance. Tell her that while you are her daughter, you are an adult and this is your house, with your rules.

Don’t put up with this - it is unacceptable that you can’t relax in your own home.

Also, can your partner put their foot down too? If they are working and she keeps turning up uninvited, can they open the door with the chain on and tell her that you are both busy, and pointedly note that this is exactly why you’d asked her to not keep turning up?

I find it unbelievable that she doesn’t even ring the bell when she’s turning up randomly but lets herself in and comes marching upstairs to your bathroom when you are showering. Absolutely rude beyond belief.

My goodness, thank you all so much for taking the time to reply and for all your kind supportive words, they have really lifted me up.

I know what you are all saying is right and that I need to tell her unequivocally that this needs to stop. Deep down I think I knew this, but hearing others tell me that this is right course of action is definitely reaffirming and validates how I feel. It absolutely helps.
I’m probably going to practice what I have to say to her so I can limit my stress levels at the time. Thank you for being kind and not judgy.

You obviously have to stop letting her in.

I don't have a problem like your mother but still I have a spy hole so I can see who is ther & decide whethe or not to answer the door.

I know a lot of people think that that is strange, but it works for me.