AIBU to ask my mother to stop turning up?

[JillyPooper123]

I have a complicated relationship with my mother as do both my siblings.

She has always been very controlling, jealous, insecure, dramatic, paranoid and unable to see other people’s emotional needs or respect their boundaries. She always sees (and presents) herself as a victim and never in my life have I ever heard her say sorry, somehow any harm she causes is always your fault.

I have spent a lifetime trying to make sense of her behaviour. As a child she would rant at me about her problems (usually paranoid delusions) and expect me to come up with the answer. When I inevitably couldn’t she would get angrier with me, call me pathetic and useless etc. She has always made me feel that I can’t be myself around her because I’m such a disappointment. I was always chubby and not dainty, not clever enough or high achieving enough. After years of trying and failing to please her I gave up and have seen therapists to keep myself on track.

One of the things I’ve always struggled with and is getting worse is that she turns up at my house unannounced and uninvited all the time. She lets herself in and expects me to drop everything and give her my undivided attention because she wants to moan about something that’s upset her. Nothing I say makes it better. If I don’t give her my attention she sulks and slams about. She often accuses me of things I haven’t done because she is paranoid. I have to tread on eggshells around her and I don’t want it in my home. If I lock the doors she bangs on windows and has even come upstairs when I’m in the shower. I have no privacy to live my life. I feel trapped when she’s here and I can’t be myself.

I have children with special needs and a partner with depression and I want to protect their privacy too. My partner runs a small business and works from home and I have recently had to fight to carve out time to start working freelance.

I’m currently sat in my office crying, she has been here for an hour expecting my attention and I can’t face her. I’ve told her I have to work but she just won’t leave. I have a deadline next week and only a bit of time to prepare.

In the past I have tried to diplomatically explain that I need her to check in with me before turning up but this has only made things worse and if anything she turns up more than before without warning.

The thing is I know if I really tell her explicitly she will make me out to be a monster to my extended family who live far enough away to not see the whole picture. They already say things when I see them that don’t make sense like “It’s a shame you didn’t turn up last time. We came all the way down to see you, your mum said you’d asked for us and then you never showed up” when I haven’t asked for them at all. She enjoys having control so if she wants people to visit she’ll say I’ve requested them specifically even though I know nothing about it.

I know this will be upsetting for some people to read, especially if they have had good relationships with their mums and they have sadly lost them. I’m sorry if this upsets anyone in this way. I just don’t have that type of relationship with my mum. I know she’s my mum and of course I do have reasons to be grateful, she did her best but i suspect she has a personality disorder so I don’t think motherhood was easy for her, or any relationships for that matter.

If anyone reading this has ever had a similar relationship with their mother how did you cope with it and am I being unfair?

I have to say I’m feeling a bit better already just sharing this on here so thanks for reading this far, sorry it’s been a bit of a ramble.

I can't set boundaries with my mother either. She perceives them as ''nasty behavior'' and flings herself up on the cross. The whole family sides with her.

I don't think anybody who understands what it's like to have a mother who doesn't see that you have needs would blame you for changing the locks.

@CatMuffin

My mum has a similar personality. She burdened me with her problems from about age 6 but also bullied and scapegoated me throughout my childhood. She's similar in that she bitches about me (used to do it in a loud voice on the phone in my hearing) I've had to become very hardened for my own well being. I don't answer calls/the door unless prearranged. I try to see her once a month max. I grey rock her. I refuse to engage. She isn't on her own She has my dad. She ruined my childhood. She isn't going to ruin my adulthood too. The way it normally works is people support their children and in turn the grown up child supports them. I supported my mum when she burdened me with her problems as a small child. I've done my bit. My dad who chose to be with her or my golden child sister can support her now

Do you have any kind of relationship with your golden child sister? Is it possible? My golden child sibling sees everything through my parents' lens. It's sad. I sad about this. Always thought I had a brother. I don't want a relationship with him right now because I did nothing wrong and yet he's angry with me for upsetting mum. All I did was tell my mother she hurt me. SHE DID.

But yet, I'm not as angry with him as I am with my parents. They were the ones who owed it to me to validate me but who invalidated me and still do. My brother is enmeshed in their vision of things. It's sad though, because of my mum's defensiveness and my Dad, her enabling footsoldier and my brother being so enmeshed in it all that he sees everything how they see it, I have no Dad and no brother either.....................

I didn't know there was such a thing as Narcisitic Mothers. Check it out on line and I bet you will tick every point on the list. I read it out to my husband who had the same problems as you with his mother and suddenly everything made sense. I'm sure it helped him 'let go' of some of the anger he felt towards her

She's toxic. I'd go low or no contact. Change the locks and block her. Contact the police if she harasses you. You and your family need space and privacy

can't believe she has a key - change the locks
either be firm about needing to arrange visits in advance, or tell her that you want no further contact, and stick to it.

Fear, obligation and guilt keep us in toxic relationships with parents who really do not deserve the title. Breaking the "FOG" is hard, but doable. As others have said, you can't change her, and you can't change anyone else's behaviour, but you can change your own behaviour and your own reactions.

Out of the Fog forum helped me to disengage from my parents' behaviour:

outofthefog.website

Also helpful was the book, Toxic Parents, by Dr Susan Forward.

I also drew a lot of strength from the Stately Homes threads in Relationships. The posters on there all have similar experiences, and can be a wealth of information and support.

For me, what made me make the break was the realisation that my shitty birth family dynamics were leeching into and poisoning the family I had built with DH and DC - much of the time, because my parents and siblings drove me wild with rage, and my unhappiness was then foisted onto my new family, who were wholly innocent, but becoming part of a recurring generational cycle of shit parenting. Breaking that cycle was the best thing I could have done to protect my family and my sanity.

Good luck, OP x

Oh love - you are not at all being unreasonable and dont have to apologize for anything. What a shame your mum is like this. Have you ever heard of Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder? If not, you may want to check it out. Even if she does not have this, there is lots of information on the internet on how to cope if you have relatives with this, and it could be really helpful for you. There is also a great book called Stop Walking On Eggshells which has a lot of great information. You will have to set limits with her, which will be awful, but at this point it is a balance between her and you, and you have to choose yourself. As for the family - tell them the truth - you need to do this for your own familys wellbeing, and if they have a poor opinion of it, so be it. Take care of yourself.

Lots of good advice here, I'd certainly change the locks. Be prepared to call the police if she escalates. Do your siblings live nearby? Does she do the same with them?

Stop worrying about what anyone else thinks about your choices about your mother. They don't have to put up with all the shit you do.

Lock the doors.

Prioritise your family.

It's time to tell her firmly. You are an adult the same as she is. She has no say over you. No control. She isn't your boss. I know it is hard but it can't be harder than what you are dealing with now.

I love the order that others have suggested you do things in. There isn't much point in changing the locks if she hasn't left! So, with logic applied here, this is what I would suggest.

1 - get her out now. Say to her "Mum, I've said it to you before and I'm saying it to you again now, you have to go. Now is not a good time for a visit. If you could either text or phone me before you decide to 'pop in' or 'pop by' for a visit, I'd be able to let you know if it's a good time or not. Now isn't a good time. I could have saved you this visit. I know you want to stay in touch. I know you want to see us but I cannot be any clearer without coming across as being rude so I need to you leave....Now!"
Have her coat and bag or whatever ready to hand her and the front door wide open so that she knows you're being serious.
Once she leaves move on to step 2.

2 - Next is to change the lock so she can't re-enter your home.

3 - If she asks for a key, don't give her one. Tell her that you noticed that your keys were missing and you had to change the lock for safety reasons. If she keeps asking for a key, fob her off by saying "Oh, yes I meant to get you one" and then without taking a breath, change the subject to something else entirely.

4 - Start setting up boundaries that you know you can stick to and follow through on. They don't have to be much to start with but cutting back on the visits would be a good one. Do them on your terms (frequency/duration/location). Phone calls would be another good one.

5 - Start living your life under your terms.

Best of luck with it all.

(get started with step 1 above though)

Good luck OP. Your mother is my mother. I cannot have any discussion with my DM about anything which does not meet with her approval otherwise she throws a 3 year old hissy crying tantrum.

I had the same situation (key to house, letting herself in etc) and the only way to resolve it was to move 200 miles away.

Changing the locks was not an option,sadly.

You really need to change the locks and then just not let her in, however much she might bang on the door. Just keep insisting that visits need to be arranged in advance. And stick to it.

Her behaviour is so out of order and you shouldn’t put up with it.

I’m so sorry your mum is like this.

DON'T tell her that you mean to get her a key - she'll just take that as a hint that she's going to get one. Just tell her she's not getting one. Better boundary and no lies. Don't lie to her - tell her straight (yes I know it's easy for me to say, less easy to do but if you're going to start putting boundaries in place, make them SOLID ones)

@JillyPooper123

• Change your locks.

• Buy blinds for your windows and keep them closed.

• If you have rear access to your home, put blinds on the back windows too.

• Invest in a tall back gate that can be locked if there is rear access.

• Text your mum to say she is not welcome at your home any more, that you and she can meet in public places at pre-arranged times if she wishes to continue the relationship, and that under no circumstances is she to turn up unannounced and bang on doors or windows.

• Call police if she is banging on windows, etc after that.

• Contact your relatives - I recommend a formal, typed letter - to describe in bullet points what you have been experiencing and what measures you have taken. Explain to them that you are sorry it has come to this sad point, but you are exhausted and your family is suffering, and 'while you love your mum'/ 'more in sorrow than in anger', you have had to put in place restrictions on contact that she will undoubtedly have a very hard time accepting the changes you are setting in motion, and will cause her resentment and anger.

You are going to have to put your foot down in a completely unambiguous way, and let the chips fall where they may. To a large extent, you can't control the situation that develops after you barricade your home and tell her she is not welcome there any more, and what you say to your relatives will also be ruminated and speculated upon. Try to be clear and concise in your letter to the relatives. At the same time, accept that they will form their own opinions of you and your mum, and will draw conclusions that are outside of your control.

You have to accept all of that, remind yourself that you can only change how you respond to people and events, not the people themselves, or how things turn out, and brace yourself.

Jilly hope u ok. I have similar. Low contact suits me. Dont give her spare keys. Boundaries important. Mine still try control us but I stood up to her. Meet her somewhere neutral not at house.

I’m probably going to practice what I have to say to her so I can limit my stress levels at the time

Don't say it to her face.

Send a text, email, or a letter in the post. Make a copy or any letter you send. Type/print it.

Tell her that in future you and she can meet in a public place at prearranged, mutually convenient times, never at your home, and that if she turns up at your home she won't be admitted. Tell her if she causes any sort of disturbance at your home - repeated ringing of a doorbell, banging on doors or windows, or shouting/calling to be let in, you will summon the police. Same goes for waiting near your home to accost you outside.

You need to be completely firm here.

I had similar with my mum. Luckily I lived the other side of the country to her but she would phone me all the time even though she knew I was busy either with my young or WFH. At the time we didn’t have caller ID, so I couldn’t screen the calls at first, we did get it eventually but then she’d keep trying. She expected her phone calls to last at least half an hour and she didn’t give a rats arse what was going on at my end. At times she would manipulate/lie to me about when we last spoke (stating it was longer than what it actually was) she really had me questioning myself. When she visited she could see I was busy but still expect all my attention to be on her.

I told her the phone calls during the day had to stop, told her I would only speak to her of an evening unless it was a emergency and when she visited I wouldn’t drop what I was doing to give her my attention and run around after her. She accused me of “treating her like an inconvenience” which was when I decided NC was best for me and my children - it’s been six years and I don’t regret it, I dread to think what my mental health would be like now.
Certain family members couldn’t understand what my problem was, apparently I should be able to spread myself really thin, but now that it’s being expected of them her behaviour is actually a problem.

It’s exhausting dealing with someone like this because you never know what they’re going to do next and how it will affect you and you’ll probably end up going very low contact or no contact.

She will probably never respect you as a person with your own needs, wishes and feelings - you are here just to be available to her. Definitely change the locks, don’t let her in when she knocks and your not expecting her, and be prepared to call the police if she won’t leave you alone and then the flying monkeys. Relationships with anyone should be about give and take, all I’m seeing from your mum is you doing the giving and her doing the taking.

She lets herself in and expects me to drop everything and give her my undivided attention because she wants to moan about something that’s upset her.

Youve told her she is welcome any time by giving her keys.

Ask for your keys back, tell her she isn't welcome then change the locks anyway.

If she then continues to harass you, tell her you will treat her accordingly and will report her to the police if she continues.

If you are serious about dealing with her lack of regard for your boundaries, this is the only route out.

Change your locks for gods sake

Never give her a key.

Contact the family you want to, no reason for her to be a gate keeper

If you don’t act now she will wear you down even more. Ask her for your key back or change the locks.
Don’t lie about why - tell her she is not respecting your wishes or your privacy by arriving unannounced and letting herself in.
If she turns up without having agreed a visit with you beforehand, don’t answer the door to her.
It will no doubt be hard for you at first but resolve to stick to you guns, do not give in to any misplaced guilt. The sooner you start putting some boundaries in place, the better you will feel.

You do not owe your mum anything!

Honestly, do like this woman next time she arrives vm.tiktok.com/ZMRd2WuHr/

Sorry you're going though this, it must be so suffocating, but hopefully you can find a glimmer of humour in this (I identify with it so much)

• It’s also time and attention I’d rather be giving my own children, they deserve it more than anyone. It’s really reassuring to see you’ve found a way to get some peace in your life, it gives me a bit of hope that I can do the same.*

That's nice OP

I hope you gathered your strength enough to tell DM to go home yesterday.
You are right that your DC deserve your attention more without Nan constantly disrupting theirs and their parents lives in this unmanageable chaotic way.

I hope today you and DH find time to sit and talk through a plan. Starting with removing keys from DM and telling her she is not to come round uninvited again. Your home should be a safe haven for you and DCs. Maybe say you'll meet her elsewhere (including hers) for all future times so that you are free to get up and walk out when she starts with the destructive negativity towards you or when you've had enough that day of having your ears chewed off. It gives me a headache just thinking of what you described.

Not JUST tell her to stop, you must change the locks!

@JillyPooper123 - I hope you managed to get your mum to leave yesterday. I also hope that you're going to change the locks and not give her a key.