AIBU to ask my mother to stop turning up?

[JillyPooper123]

I have a complicated relationship with my mother as do both my siblings.

She has always been very controlling, jealous, insecure, dramatic, paranoid and unable to see other people’s emotional needs or respect their boundaries. She always sees (and presents) herself as a victim and never in my life have I ever heard her say sorry, somehow any harm she causes is always your fault.

I have spent a lifetime trying to make sense of her behaviour. As a child she would rant at me about her problems (usually paranoid delusions) and expect me to come up with the answer. When I inevitably couldn’t she would get angrier with me, call me pathetic and useless etc. She has always made me feel that I can’t be myself around her because I’m such a disappointment. I was always chubby and not dainty, not clever enough or high achieving enough. After years of trying and failing to please her I gave up and have seen therapists to keep myself on track.

One of the things I’ve always struggled with and is getting worse is that she turns up at my house unannounced and uninvited all the time. She lets herself in and expects me to drop everything and give her my undivided attention because she wants to moan about something that’s upset her. Nothing I say makes it better. If I don’t give her my attention she sulks and slams about. She often accuses me of things I haven’t done because she is paranoid. I have to tread on eggshells around her and I don’t want it in my home. If I lock the doors she bangs on windows and has even come upstairs when I’m in the shower. I have no privacy to live my life. I feel trapped when she’s here and I can’t be myself.

I have children with special needs and a partner with depression and I want to protect their privacy too. My partner runs a small business and works from home and I have recently had to fight to carve out time to start working freelance.

I’m currently sat in my office crying, she has been here for an hour expecting my attention and I can’t face her. I’ve told her I have to work but she just won’t leave. I have a deadline next week and only a bit of time to prepare.

In the past I have tried to diplomatically explain that I need her to check in with me before turning up but this has only made things worse and if anything she turns up more than before without warning.

The thing is I know if I really tell her explicitly she will make me out to be a monster to my extended family who live far enough away to not see the whole picture. They already say things when I see them that don’t make sense like “It’s a shame you didn’t turn up last time. We came all the way down to see you, your mum said you’d asked for us and then you never showed up” when I haven’t asked for them at all. She enjoys having control so if she wants people to visit she’ll say I’ve requested them specifically even though I know nothing about it.

I know this will be upsetting for some people to read, especially if they have had good relationships with their mums and they have sadly lost them. I’m sorry if this upsets anyone in this way. I just don’t have that type of relationship with my mum. I know she’s my mum and of course I do have reasons to be grateful, she did her best but i suspect she has a personality disorder so I don’t think motherhood was easy for her, or any relationships for that matter.

If anyone reading this has ever had a similar relationship with their mother how did you cope with it and am I being unfair?

I have to say I’m feeling a bit better already just sharing this on here so thanks for reading this far, sorry it’s been a bit of a ramble.

Change the locks. Also, although job availability had a lot to do with it, it wasn't entirely coincidence I lived a 90 minute drive away.

She sounds awful. I don’t think you owe her anything. Change the locks and take control of your life. Personally I wouldn’t see her or give a dam, you are far too nice. My own mum is a sweetheart who always encourages and supports me. Sorry you mum is such a drain. I have a very old friend (35 years) who has a rotten mum too, always criticising her, she just doesn’t bother seeing her anymore and is happier for it.

Change the locks, get a Ring doorbell. Don't answer the door unless you want to. You do not owe her anything. Seems to me she already used up her 'fair share' of your emotional energy when you were a child.

As far as what you say to her, remember that pretty much any reason you give will be used as 'ammo' against you. So when you're trying to formulate what you're going to say remember JADE; never Justify, Apologize, Defend, or Explain.

You poor love.
Her treatment of you is unacceptable.
In your position I'd seriously consider moving far away.
It would be a complete No Contact for me.
You deserve better.
And if she turned up I would ignore her.
If she stayed banging in the window I'd tell her to leave or I'd call the police.
If anyone else did this you wouldn't tolerate it.
Don't put up with this rubbish just because she gave birth to you.

Your life will be amazing with out this burden.

Drop her from your life and go have amazing time.
Be happy and thankful every day that you got ti escape and enjoy things like most other people

We have this in our family. It is hard as there is a feeling of guilt and responsibility that is difficult to shrug off. Plus there's a feeling of slight hope that the person will somehow become the loving and supportive parent that other people seem to have. Nonetheless you have to realise that you are not responsible for this person or their happiness. And accept that the person is not going to change. You have to start putting in some boundaries and being honest with other family members about why that is. Chances are they are being pressurised as well and feeling the same misplaced guilt, if they are giving you a hard time.

@CatMuffin

I’m so sorry you had to put up with that throughout your childhood, you’ve described pretty much the exact experience I’ve had with my mum. I’ve felt the same, I see my friends feeling excited to be offering their mother’s support as they get older because to them its a novelty and a sign that they’ve matured, they enjoy the chance to pay their mums back for the years of support they’ve received. To me its just a continuation of everything that’s gone before with my mum. I can’t feel excited about it because this is all our relationship has ever been, her demanding that I fix her unfixable problems. It’s also time and attention I’d rather be giving my own children, they deserve it more than anyone.
It’s really reassuring to see you’ve found a way to get some peace in your life, it gives me a bit of hope that I can do the same. Thank you 💐

I was listening to a Reddit user's experience on YouTube last night.

They detailed one of the most incredibly controlling and abusive mother/child relationship I have ever heard.

Your experiences sound a bit similar in several ways.

At the end, the poor soul actually was questioning whether she was making much of her mother's behaviour and maybe it wasn't reàlly that bad. She was not and it was.

The point is, these terrible parents have you so conditioned that by the time you get away from them, you are mentally trapped in their bullshit no matter how far you physically remove yourself. I think your mum has done this to you. You don't have the ability to tell her to fuck off, even though you want to because she is in your head, poisoning your thoughts. You need to get some help from a professional as hard as that might be to find but someone needs to guide you through freeing yourself.

It's here if you want to see, second story.

m.youtube.com/channel/UCqH-qoS5rU2pEKPtWnfCzHw

You sound lovely OP and sometimes lovely people like you are too kind to stand up for themselves as they don’t want to upset other people. But in this situation, you must. Your home with your partner and DC is one place where you must feel comfortable and relaxed. You can’t have a situation where you are powerless in your own home and have your mum taking away your privacy and time to yourself, simply because she feels like doing that and doesn’t care about how that affects you. Her actions have been selfish and they need to be brought to an absolute stop.

Absolutely ^this.

Change locks
Ring door bell and never open the door if you don’t want to.

Make sure that you tell the people who tell you they can all that way to see you that your mother is behind this and if they want to see you, then they should absolutely let you know directly and you’ll arrange it, but that your advice is never to assume what you’re being told has any truth at all in it.

Stop allowing the lies to perpetuate and stop worrying about your mother. Those who love you know what she’s like.

Decide your own boundaries, and then enforce them. When she complains to the rest of your family, just be honest with them.

"Yes, I asked DM to leave the other day - I had an urgent work deadline, she dropped around without warning and then refused to leave."

Similarly, disperse any manipulation of other family members with the truth:

"I had no idea you were down for the weekend, it would have been lovely to see you."

"Oh, I would have popped around to see you if I'd know, do give me a call next time you're down this way."

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

I think the time for diplomacy has gone.

She'll make a drama and a fuss out of whatever you.

Firstly, change the locks.

Secondly, either call her (if you can face it) or send her a letter or email saying that you and your family just can't cope with the unexpected drop-ins. You all have enough on your plate.

And talk to your siblings and get them to back you up.

And be honest with your extended family. Just tell them she's telling them lies and explain how the situation really is.

It's time to step out of the guilt and be able to enjoy being in your home, without worrying about being 'invaded' at any time during the day.

She doesn't care that your DC has special needs, or that your partner has depression. And her behaviour is hardly going to help.

Stand up to her. Stand up for your family. And stand up for yourself.

I know it's easier said that done. But please, please now is the time to do it.

We are here to support you.

This ^^

A couple of things, you do not owe your mother anything. She is not a positive in your life.

There is a term for what you are experiencing and it is called FOG, Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Have a google and see what that is all about.

There is also a term for your relatives, they are called Flying Monkeys like the Wizard of Oz, they do your Mother's bidding, guilt trip you back into that FOG.

Text, email or ring your Mother, tell her unless she has arranged with you to visit you will not be letting her in. Put a sign on the door. Change the locks. So what if she knocks on the windows? Don't let her in. The only way to change her behaviour is to change yours first.

Of course the best thing would be to go no contact or very low contact but you might have to build up to that. Have a look over on the Relationships board, it is about all relationships, siblings, parents, friendships. Lots of people have gone through what you are experiencing.

And lastly, at some point you have to accept she will never be the Mother you want her to be and that is okay. You have a lovely partner and children who love you.

Just in case link doesn't work, it's

Channel
Karma Comment Chameleon

Video
r/EntitledParents - For Gosh Sake, Just Shut Up! - Reddit Stories #673

Hi OP. Telling her to stop, no matter how you phrase it, is unlikely to make her stop and she may well even escalate her behaviour in response (as you said yourself, asking her to come over less makes her come over more). She doesn't care about your boundaries and will override them as she sees fit. She may well go into full-blown meltdown of some kind, tell the rest of the family some rubbish about how evil you are etc. So be prepared for that. She's not going to take it well.

I do think you should change your locks etc. If she's banging on the windows, fine. Ignore her until she goes away. If she breaks in, call the police. Would she be embarrassed if your partner told her to stop? If she's the sort of narcissist person who doesn't want to look bad, think about how you can use this to get her out of your space.

I think another option to consider here is going no contact. When someone abuses you, it can be so difficult or even impossible to manage that relationship without continuing to be the victim of abuse. Getting away from them is often your best option. But I know that is really hard - it's kind of the nuclear option.

I recommend the book 'Mean Mothers' by Peg Streep. She also does a column in Psychology Today I think - you can find it online. Susan Forward also has a book about toxic mothers. You can also check out the 'stately homes' thread on the relationships board. Good luck, OP. You are not alone

Some of that sounds very familiar. Mine never had a key, thankfully.

My advice, for what it's worth (am NC with my mother, and that's beautifully peaceful):

Tell your extended family/friends the truth about your narc of a mother. If they don't believe you, that's their problem, not yours.

Change the locks, and don't be persuaded/manipulated into giving her a key.

If all else fails, refuse to let her in. Oh yes, you can.

The thing is I know if I really tell her explicitly she will make me out to be a monster to my extended family who live far enough away to not see the whole picture.

First, she's been like this all your life , which means she can't hide her paranoia and therefore the extended family surely know what she's like. Especially when they meet her in the flesh.

They also know you, from meeting you. You sound very different from DM.. IF DM lies to the family you are a monster. so what? Only fools would believe her. Lying about you only damages her, not you.
There is nothing at all to stop you telling the family the truth about your experience of DM . Let them judge for themselves who's the lying paranoid monster. If they can't work it out, then their opinions are worthless anyway.

Your mothers aggressive home intrusion and refusal to leave is harassment which is a crime. In your shoes I'd get a restraining order to protect your family from the terrible stress of her home intrusions. I'd also write a letter to other family members telling them explicitly you've been driven to seek legal protection from her extreme behaviour..

How to make a complaint

Not read full thread but pls check out out of the fog website, my husband has found it helpful dealing with his mother as well as therapy x

I agree with pretty much everyone else - change the locks.

And when she inevitably demands a key, tell her that she can't have one, and when she asks why, tell her that you don't want her to be able to let herself into your house any more.

Change the locks and never ever give her a spare key for any reason, as she will copy it and keep it so she can carry on.

Tell her in plain terms that she is not welcome UNLESS you specifically invite her. She will doubtless tell everyone that you are a heartless snake in her bosom, but really, who gives a fuck? I'm pretty certain that most of the rest of the family already know what she's like and won't believe her - or if they do, then they're not worth your time or bother either.

She will also probably pull a health stunt, like a heart problem, possibly even a vague diagnosis of maybe cancer (2 favourites) and send other relatives in to fight for her (flying monkeys) but again - this is all trickery.

Take back your life.

I know this will be upsetting for some people to read, especially if they have had good relationships with their mums and they have sadly lost them.

This sentence makes me think you have an overinflated sense of duty towards you mum which is making you put up with her poor behaviour more than you should.

I lost my mum last year, miss her so much, our relationship was ok but far from perfect, we both had faults, I would jump at the chance to have her back but there would still need to be boundaries!

Your mums behaviour is poor, you need to set and stick to your boundaries and just let her sulk if she wants to. Tell her you love her but need your space and privacy as a family, ask for your key back and tell her to call before visiting as if you are working, or busy as a family then she will not be invited in. If she refuses to return the key tell her its ok, you will get the locks changed instead.

Lock the doors and stay firm, if she arrives unannounced don't let her past the door. Your partner should back you up - just keep repeating - mum I asked you to call and check before visiting, you never called and it is not convenient right now, I need to go (don't give a reason). Once you have turned her away a couple of times she'll get the message.

Excellent post, 2bazookas (and plenty of others)

I can't add to the good advice you've had, OP, but do know it's not easy to suddenly start imposing boundaries after a history like this
However the situation you've got isn't easy either, so it comes down to "needs must"; your parent isn't going to change, so the only person who can make any difference is you

Obviously I'd tell her, calmly and quietly, how things are going to be in future - no need to wind her up unnecessarily by leaving her to discover changed locks - but I wouldn't enter into any real conversation about it, far less negotiation. You're an adult and this is your decision, end of

@CatMuffin

My mum has a similar personality. She burdened me with her problems from about age 6 but also bullied and scapegoated me throughout my childhood. She's similar in that she bitches about me (used to do it in a loud voice on the phone in my hearing) I've had to become very hardened for my own well being. I don't answer calls/the door unless prearranged. I try to see her once a month max. I grey rock her. I refuse to engage. She isn't on her own She has my dad. She ruined my childhood. She isn't going to ruin my adulthood too. The way it normally works is people support their children and in turn the grown up child supports them. I supported my mum when she burdened me with her problems as a small child. I've done my bit. My dad who chose to be with her or my golden child sister can support her now

Well done.

The OP owes her mother nothing.

Her mother cares not a whit for her load.

Calling the police if she persists in knocking would send her a message.

Your mother is a selfish horror.

I bet your life and family would be calmer if you ceased all contact.

Think about it.
You sound so nice.

Asking or telling her isn't working, time to make sure the lessons get through.

Invite her to visit you in about a week, then change the locks. If she turns up before in the invited time, don't let her in.

Welcome her at the appointed time. Ignore any complaints. Rinse and repeat til she gets the hang of it.

Not easy, but very simple.

Put a chain on the door too, so if she arrives unannounced, you can open it to tell her it's not convenient, but she can't push in.

Your extended family will know what your mum is like - many of them will have known her for longer than you!

They will take what she says with a great old pinch of salt. And anyway, is it worth letting her make your life hard just to keep them thinking well of you? Fuck em. Stop caring.

Change the locks. When she turns up - "I'm working mum, im not available, you should have called first and I could have either moved things around to be free for you or would have told you not to waste your time coming over. You can't come in now, im working."

Keep repeating- she has to call you to check if you are free /she has to accept you aren't free when you are working.

If she asks if she has to make an appointment to see her child "yes, when im working you do." "Yes, you are in the way." "No, I dont have time to see you, dh and I are both working."

She'll hate it. But you hate this.

If insulting you to relatives is all shes got, accept and move on.