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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think my cousin's DS has behavioural issues?

67 replies

TouchySubject · 14/08/2021 14:12

I've name changed because I have a feeling my cousin knows my username on here, and this is a very difficult, emotive subject. I also don't know if I'm being unfair or judgemental (I love my family, so if I am, I'll dislike myself even more for thinking these things.)

My cousin's DS is extremely difficult to spend time with. He's just turned 5 and I really struggle when all the kids are playing together. He's very rough, but in a 'loving' way - for example, he'll grab my 3 year old and say he's giving her a cuddle, but he lifts her off her feet and the embrace usually ends with them collapsed in a heap, DD having gotten hurt in the process. He flails around, so other children end up getting clouted by a foot, and throws himself at people (which has regularly resulted in throwing people off-balance and falling over). No amount of asking him to be careful helps, and he doesn't listen to anyone.

He will not stop when asked/told to stop. He is high energy from the moment he gets up to bedtime. My cousin is exhausted as he demands her attention constantly - he won't play alone, he wants her to be involved at all times. He doesn't seem to care how he gets attention - positive or negative. He throws massive tantrums if he doesn't get what he wants. He shouts and yells and generally it's really chaotic. My cousin and other family members try to get him to be careful and be more gentle but he doesn't seem to hear us and if he does, it's ignored.

Is this normal? Do I just not know enough about kids?

OP posts:
Findahouse21 · 14/08/2021 14:14

Yeah, that sounds like a 5 year old to be honest.

Knackeredmommy · 14/08/2021 14:15

Yep, Sounds like a 5yr old boisterous boy.

00100001 · 14/08/2021 14:16

Depends.

It might just be a product of the parenting he received...it might be ADHD..or it might be combination...or neither.

pinkyredrose · 14/08/2021 14:17

@Findahouse21

Yeah, that sounds like a 5 year old to be honest.
Seriously? That doesn't sound typical to me.
HerMammy · 14/08/2021 14:20

Do typical 5 yr olds knock ppl off their feet, have tantrums and demand constant attention? Not typical at all.

Kittii · 14/08/2021 14:21

I don't think that sounds "normal" to me. It could be bad behaviour/lack of boundaries or there could be more going on such as ADHD.

Not listening, ignoring people, not stopping when he's told to stop, throwing himself at people, I wouldn't let my 5 year old behave like that, he is old enough to have consequences for this kind of behaviour.

Also cringe at "boisterous boy" as if being male means he is allowed to behave badly compared to a girl.

BluebellsGreenbells · 14/08/2021 14:21

I don’t think it is either.

I assume he’s an only child?

The issue is people will recommend high energy sports so he can let off steam when what he needs is to learn how to be calm.

Yoga for example may help him regulate his body movements. Breathing techniques.
Calm games - board games or flaming tv might help as long as he’s praised for these things.

FreeBritnee · 14/08/2021 14:23

I have a five year old who tantrums and fights with his brother a lot but I wouldn’t say he’d fit into your other observations. Though I do know some children who do and I often also wonder if they have something else going on. ADHD for example.

SnarkyBag · 14/08/2021 14:23

My boys weren’t like this at 5 years old and one of them has ASD. I hate it when things get written off as “oh typical boys behaviour”.

Stompythedinosaur · 14/08/2021 14:25

It doesn't sound like behavioural issues. Just sounds like a 5yo struggling to manage social interactions and/or regulation of their emotions. Dc develop at different rates.

Kittii · 14/08/2021 14:26

Agree. It's the start of male privilege.

Kittii · 14/08/2021 14:26

That was to @SnarkyBag

EmeraldShamrock · 14/08/2021 14:27

I know there is no difference between boys and girls on mumsnet however ime there is.
One my first DC, gentle DD I'd feel like you did, then I had DS born rough and ready with little awareness of his bulky body.
I hated going out with my Dsis she has a girl 6 months younger she'd expect me to constantly give out to DS. I would when it is warranted but it got tiring been around a child who enjoyed getting him in trouble.
I've been on both sides.

00100001 · 14/08/2021 14:27

@Findahouse21

Yeah, that sounds like a 5 year old to be honest.
Not really...
pinkyredrose · 14/08/2021 14:31

Knocking people off their feet could have disastrous consequences for an older person. A broken hip can take months to recover from, an infection could easily set in leading to death.

What are the consequences to him for doing this?

EmeraldShamrock · 14/08/2021 14:32

will not stop when asked/told to stop. He is high energy from the moment he gets up to bedtime. My cousin is exhausted as he demands her attention constantly - he won't play alone, he wants her to be involved at all times. He doesn't seem to care how he gets attention - positive or negative. He throws massive tantrums if he doesn't get what he wants. He shouts and yells and generally it's really chaotic. My cousin and other family members try to get him to be careful and be more gentle but he doesn't seem to hear us and if he does, it's ignored.
The lack of body awareness and refusal to listen could be SN, constant need for attention and over affection with no awareness.
Has the school raised any concerns.

Didiplanthis · 14/08/2021 14:32

Sounds very like my DS with ADHD.. and nothing like his twin..so its not always parenting, typical boy etc. He still is like this several years later despite YEARS of careful professionally supported behaviour management techniques. He just cannot retain what we have told him as his impulsively over rides logic and consequence. He is a very loving, kind and 'good' boy.. just a small whirlwind with little concept of physical and emotional regulation.

weaselwords · 14/08/2021 14:35

Sounds like my nephew when he was young. Also used to throw himself off anything high he could get onto. Unsurprisingly, he took up rugby at school and was good at it. He’s grown up a smashing chap with a degree and now studying for an MSc, so can definitely concentrate and be still now, but as a small person he was lethal!

Original poster
TouchySubject · 14/08/2021 14:39

My cousin has a 2 year old DD as well, who is very different to her DS. I've only ever seen behaviour I'd expect from a toddler - the usual highs and lows! The DD is generally more easygoing and happy to play with her toys by herself, maybe because she's so used to all attention and focus being on her brother.

OP posts:
Original poster
TouchySubject · 14/08/2021 14:42

No concerns raised by any nursery, pre-school or school environment he's been in.

OP posts:
FusionChefGeoff · 14/08/2021 14:46

Not really normal no

And PLEASE stop with 'boisterous boys' stereotypes it hurts both boys and girls.

Original poster
TouchySubject · 14/08/2021 14:46

In terms of consequences, sometimes my cousin and her partner remove him from the situation, if he's having a full-on meltdown and screaming/tantrumming etc. The full-on meltdowns happen at least once a day. I feel bad for them because I can see how incredibly stressed they are. It's quite limiting for them - they avoid going for meals together as a family, because their DS can't/won't sit at the table and it usually ends up being more stress and unhappiness than it's worth.

OP posts:
HappyDays40 · 14/08/2021 14:54

Your cousins son could be mine. Its very tough and not always about parenting. In our case its pre-birth trauma, sensory and emotional dysregulation and possible ADHD. Although that totally doesn't mean that it is okay not to do something about the behaviour. I watch my son like a hawk and would rather spend the time by his side modelling calm behaviour and trying to prevent accidents than "teaching him to calm down" .
It might seem that im over attentive with my son but believe me I know exactly what im doing.

girlmom21 · 14/08/2021 14:55

Without us knowing their parenting styles and the child it's impossible to really know whether it's learned behaviour or more complex needs.

People will come along and start diagnosing all sorts.

What does your cousin think?

Imapotato · 14/08/2021 14:58

He does sound very boisterous. Whether there is something like ADHD going on is pretty hard to tell from an explanation on the internet.

I assume that as he is 5 he’s at school. Have the school said anything about his behaviour?