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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to think my cousin's DS has behavioural issues?

67 replies

TouchySubject · 14/08/2021 14:12

I've name changed because I have a feeling my cousin knows my username on here, and this is a very difficult, emotive subject. I also don't know if I'm being unfair or judgemental (I love my family, so if I am, I'll dislike myself even more for thinking these things.)

My cousin's DS is extremely difficult to spend time with. He's just turned 5 and I really struggle when all the kids are playing together. He's very rough, but in a 'loving' way - for example, he'll grab my 3 year old and say he's giving her a cuddle, but he lifts her off her feet and the embrace usually ends with them collapsed in a heap, DD having gotten hurt in the process. He flails around, so other children end up getting clouted by a foot, and throws himself at people (which has regularly resulted in throwing people off-balance and falling over). No amount of asking him to be careful helps, and he doesn't listen to anyone.

He will not stop when asked/told to stop. He is high energy from the moment he gets up to bedtime. My cousin is exhausted as he demands her attention constantly - he won't play alone, he wants her to be involved at all times. He doesn't seem to care how he gets attention - positive or negative. He throws massive tantrums if he doesn't get what he wants. He shouts and yells and generally it's really chaotic. My cousin and other family members try to get him to be careful and be more gentle but he doesn't seem to hear us and if he does, it's ignored.

Is this normal? Do I just not know enough about kids?

OP posts:

ViciousJackdaw · 14/08/2021 20:22

her DDs re very much "Ew stinky boys, boys smell, boys are gross" and will do things like wipe a seat if he's sat on it because 'boys have bum germs'

Try not to take this to heart, most little girls say this kind of thing at some point. As do most little boys about girls - I can hear Bart Simpson announcing that 'Girls have cooties' right now.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 14/08/2021 20:29

@ViciousJackdaw I understand but these girls are 8 and 5 and it doesn't get checked which is wrong. If my son was saying girls are he'd be getting a very short shrift for it

HotPenguin · 14/08/2021 20:33

This sounds just like my son, he's on the autistic spectrum, but there are s couple of boys similar to him in the class and I'm sure they can't all be autistic! For balance, I also have a young female relative like this. The fact school haven't raised concerns means nothing. Teachers at our school are discouraged from raising possible SEN with parents as they don't want to "label".

Siennabear · 14/08/2021 20:56

Sounds a bit like my ds apart from the tantrums. He’s high energy and does not listen! He gets overtired and goes hyperactive and gets silly at times. It’s got nothing to do with bad parenting as pp suggested. He is just very boisterous.
My dd on the other hand is a typical girl, very sweet and gentle. They have both been brought up the same. Boys and girls do play differently.

SnowdaySewday · 14/08/2021 20:57

No amount of asking him to be careful helps, and he doesn't listen to anyone.
He will not stop when asked/told to stop.
He shouts and yells and generally it's really chaotic. My cousin and other family members try to get him to be careful and be more gentle but he doesn't seem to hear us and if he does, it's ignored.

Are you sure he can hear properly?

Bythemillpond · 14/08/2021 21:01

HSHorror

Oppositional defiance disorder?
Part of adhd
He is immediately doing the opposite of what he is asked

Then don’t ask. I hate people telling me what to do.

Sounds like Ds. He is trying to get referred for an ADHD diagnosis. Myself and his sister both diagnosed

DroopyClematis · 14/08/2021 21:06

@Findahouse21

Yeah, that sounds like a 5 year old to be honest.

Errr... no!

ballroompink · 14/08/2021 21:07

One of my DCs was/is quite similar to this (not having massive meltdowns daily but sometimes). Initially school told us 'he's just a lively little boy' but now aged 9 he's in the middle of the assessment process for ASD and I wonder about ADHD. He is absolutely a sensory seeker - one thing that was flagged quite early on at school was the overenthusiastic hugging/squeezing/being overly physical. He has chilled out as he's got older but there is absolutely stuff there that we have had to deal with/get stuff put into place at school over.

00100001 · 14/08/2021 21:19

@Bythemillpond

HSHorror

Oppositional defiance disorder?
Part of adhd
He is immediately doing the opposite of what he is asked

Then don’t ask. I hate people telling me what to do.

Sounds like Ds. He is trying to get referred for an ADHD diagnosis. Myself and his sister both diagnosed

Being asked isn't the same as being told what to do.

Plus how else will you get a5yo to leave the park without asking or telling?

5zeds · 14/08/2021 21:20

It sounds like he needs some help. The boring help of regular exercise/meals/bedtime and endless modelling of good behaviour, praising good behaviour and disapproval for unwanted behaviour.

Bythemillpond · 14/08/2021 21:48

Being asked isn't the same as being told what to do

Plus how else will you get a5yo to leave the park without asking or telling

It isn’t about being asked to do/not do something when you weren’t thinking about the action.

But when you are going/not going to do something and then someone tell you to do/not do the thing.

Him running towards his grandma. He probably wasn’t going to bulldoze her off her feet but as soon as someone says not to then he does the opposite.

I have had decades of practice on how to talk to ds and dd.
I know what I am like and what reaction I would have so I choose my words and actions carefully and whilst there might have been a few hiccups along the way and I have had people avoiding me because I haven’t sufficiently disciplined dc (because I would be wasting my breath) understanding how to
talk to my children comes from my understanding of dc and how their minds work.
I didn’t know at the time we all have ADHD. I just knew I had to speak to dc a different way to other parents speaking to their children to get the same sort of results.

Cannes12 · 14/08/2021 21:50

No don't bring it up.
School will see it and talk to the parents about it if it's an issue and there's support needed.
You doing it risks your relationship.

Bythemillpond · 14/08/2021 21:54

Cannes12
No school will bring it up as that would mean they would have to do something so it will get left until further down the line when opportunities have been lost.

Recessed · 14/08/2021 23:23

Definitely not typical for a 5yo (I have one of those) however my nephew and a few boys in DDs various preschool/nursery classes have been like this. Always boys IME. I'm pretty certain one of those boys has an ADHD diagnosis and my nephew is on a waiting list for assessment, although in his case I think inconsistent parenting is part of the problem.

With my nephew I just make sure he's never left alone with my three year old (he bit her arm so hard the last time they were left unattended the teeth marks were visible for two weeks ) it's annoying but I've just accepted that I have to be on the ball if he's around as my sister isn't. I wouldn't speak to your cousin - she knows. No good will come of it. Just be alert and when he picks your DD up just block or calmly intervene with "oh x DD doesn't want to be picked up right now" and take her away. You could also limit the time you spend with them until he grows out of it? Meet your cousin on your own without the DC if possible?

BlankTimes · 15/08/2021 00:06

We all know that interventions in school should be needs based, but in reality it doesn't happen in all schools.

Many schools will NOT automatically see his behaviour as needing attention or take any action like suggesting his parents refer him for assessment.

It's remarkable how many schools do not see very different behaviour and they also tell parents and medics that the pupil is "fine" at school and they withhold support for a referral.

Never ever assume a school will notice or suggest any action.

Never ever assume a GP knows anything about the presentations of neurodiversity and will automatically action a referral if a parent requests one.

Rosesviolets · 15/08/2021 13:03

@TouchySubject

A really mixed set of responses - which is understandable, given the limited info and it all coming down to opinions/experiences etc.

So I guess the question really is . . . should I speak to my cousin and if so, what on Earth do I say? My instinct is not to, it's not my business.

I think I probably wouldn't mention it either, in your shoes.

It sounds like your cousin is well aware of his behaviour and is trying her best to control it.

My DS could be challenging when he was younger. I was always grateful to the family members who just didn't mention it and loved him just the same/rose above it, as they could see I was trying my best, not turning a blind eye to it. The family members who tutted or pulled faces did not help either him or me.

As it turns out, he has grown out of most of those behaviours. He never had a problem at school and is academically bright and achieves well. I'd say he still has an impulsive streak to his personality, but as he's got older he's learned self-control, and we can now reason with him with a quiet word if he's starting to go off-track.

If anything I'd share with her occasionally about when your kids have been less than perfect, as it can be a lonely place when it seems to be always your DC who is challenging and you sense the rest of the family looking on (in disapproval, you imagine, of either your DC or your reaction to it or both).

Original poster

TouchySubject · 16/08/2021 17:58

Your post really resonated with me, @Rosesviolets - I think you're right. And I have many, many stories I can share with her about my own tiny terror!

Thank you to everyone who commented - it's been really useful to get different perspectives and experiences.

OP posts:

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