21 yr old staying out all night

[lovenotwar149]

Is it reasonable to ask your 21 yr old son to let you know if he decides, while he is out, to stay out all night? At what point should he text/call etc

Yes they should let you know. We had this a lot with one of our DDs at 18/19 ... she thought we were being controlling and treating her like a kid but I explained that I, at 50 odd, would let DH know if I wasn’t coming home. It’s just common courtesy when you share a house with anyone

When you say staying out all night do you mean sleeping else where? Or rolling back in at 5/6am?

He’s 21, so although it would be nice to get a text, I don’t think he’s unreasonable not to send one. Presumably he has his own keys?

@BigSandyBalls2015

That was my attitude with the DSCs. They also tutted and thought it was childish but I said the same as you.

No need for them to say who they're with or where they are, privacy is fine, just a quick 'staying out tonight, see you sometime tomorrow'.

I stayed out all night without telling anyone from 17. No mobile phones back then. My parents didn’t mind at all. Nowadays I think it’s far easier to communicate so I would hope to receive a text at least.

He stayed over at a mates and I was extremely worried around 5am when he hadn't messaged and I couldn't get hold of him. Its all good...he is safe...got carried away and forgot to call/text etc but I am trying to work out how to handle this situation should it happen again and am questioning if I am being too controlling as he is 21

thank you for replies...appreciated

Agree that anyone who lives with anyone (other than distant flatmates) ought to allay worry by sending a text that they won't be home that night.

It only becomes controlling if that leads to an interrogation about what they were up to, or if you put them in a position where they feel the need to justify themselves and ask permission rather than just tell you.

The thing is he might not have decided to stay out union quite late, at which point you assume your parents are asleep and aren’t worrying about it.

It unreasonable at all. It's just common courtesy to let the people you live with know if you're going away for the night.

A quick text saying "out for the sightsee you sometime tomorrow" I think like that stance on it. I didn't ask too many questions about where he was exactly and what he was doing as respect his privacy.There were no cross words either and he apologised for not letting me know

What point does a late night become staying out all night though? Maybe you need a time limit. So if he’s going to be later than xx am he lets you know.

YANBU, I would make it clear you don’t need to know where he is or what he’s doing if he doesn’t want to, but he needs to tell you if he won’t be coming home. It’s basic courtesy for anyone you live with but obviously the worry is worse when it’s your child who’s gone awol.

Our house rules, no matter the age, were always that we had to text if we weren't coming home, no questions asked, no matter the time, just a simple text - even when I moved home temporarily at 29! Just common courtesy

I think a text or phone call is reasonable. You don't need to know who or where, you just need to know not to expect them back.

I used to tell my parents before I left or text then when I was out if I was going to be staying out.

About 20 years ago I had my sister staying with me for a few months, and had a similar issue. Sometimes she would be away for 2 or 3 days at a time without telling me, and we did have words about it. Like someone else said upthread, i didnt want or need details about who with and where, just a text saying "won't be around tonight/over weekend". It was just to reassure me she wasn't lying dead somewhere.

thank you again for replies...good to get other peoples views on this matter! Kids! Boys! Who'd have 3 of them!! Me that's who!! lol!

I had this when I was younger but, as PPs have mentioned, the problem was that I wasn't always intending to stay out and by the time I'd decided it was late and I would not want to send a message in case it woke my parents up. So long as you don't mind a message at 3am, though, I think it's reasonable to ask!

I didn’t need to know details of where my son was or who he was with just a text to say not coming home tonight if before 10pm and he’d email if after that time purely so I’d know he wasn’t dead in a ditch somewhere

I can picture a scenario (met a girl, didn’t know whether he would be staying all night until things were such that breaking off to text his mum would not be helpful) where he might need a bit more flexibility.

@lovenotwar149

He stayed over at a mates and I was extremely worried around 5am when he hadn't messaged and I couldn't get hold of him. Its all good...he is safe...got carried away and forgot to call/text etc but I am trying to work out how to handle this situation should it happen again and am questioning if I am being too controlling as he is 21

I don't think you are. It's common courtesy to let people you live with know if you won't be home, whatever your age.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for a quick text to say they're ok. They don't have to say where they are or who they're with.

For context, I lived at home til I was about 24 and this was back in the days before mobile phones. I always used to phone my mum first thing in the morning if I'd stayed out overnight, wherever I was just to say I was alright and not to worry.

DD is 20, she will (usually) send a text to say she’s staying elsewhere. The text always arrives about 1.30am but at least its there for when I wake up wondering where she is.

I expect mine to tell me if they're not coming home. I think it's basic courtesy.

It’s different from not texting your partner if you’re staying out all night though. If I did that as a grown adult woman with responsibilities like a child and a home and a husband then it’s not the same as a young lad going out with his mates and seeing where the night takes them. Plus DH would wonder why I wasn’t physically in the bed if he woke up for some reason. But presumably the son in this scenario thinks his parents are in bed and not worrying about it, not lying there worrying and listening for a key in the door if they randomly decide to stay over somewhere.