21 yr old staying out all night

[lovenotwar149]

Is it reasonable to ask your 21 yr old son to let you know if he decides, while he is out, to stay out all night? At what point should he text/call etc

Even my 30 Yr old and his wife will let me know if they are staying out when they are visiting mine.

Common curiosity.

courtesy ffs

I lived with my mum at that age, after uni, and she didn't expect to know my whereabouts.

My 21 year did this just a few weeks back. I didn’t even notice until I got up about 7 and was quite cross with her as I think it’s just manners. She did agree with me though that a text is fair.

I think if you expect to get in after others have got up then it's courtesy and safety (to stop panic) just to leave some sort of text or message as per previous examples.

I might be in bed sleeping and not notice if DS came home at 5am but if I get up at 8 and he isn't home i'd be worried. If i checked my phone and there was a message saying "staying out - see you later" or something then i wouldn't be worried anymore.

I don't think it's unreasonable for him to let you know around 10/11pm so you can go to bed without worrying where he is.

@AntiHop - I lived with my mum at that age, after uni, and she didn't expect to know my whereabouts.

It's not about expecting to one their whereabouts. It's about knowing whether they will be home or not.

I have 3 dc aged 23, 20 and 18. Ds23 is finished uni and doesn't live at home. If he's home for a few days, he will always tell me if he's planning on staying out or will text if plans change and he will no longer be coming home. Dd20 is at uni and comes and goes. If she's at home she does the same. Ds18 has only just finished school. While they are still in school, I expect a lot more information. However, now he's finished school, all I expect is the same courtesy as I get from his siblings.

We bolt the front door from the inside when everyone's home, so yes, we need to know who is staying out all night.

If my 19 & 22 yr olds are out when I go to bed I send them a text saying 'off to bed, you coming home tonight'? So I know wether or not to put the chain on the door.

I expect ds20 to let me know if he'll be out late - as in after 1 am or so. With our pubs closing earlier now he's usually home earlier so if he goes on to a friend's house he'll always text. After that he can roll in at whatever time he wants.

Ask him how he would feel if you didn't come home one night without letting anyone know. DS now remembers to text after I asked him that question.

@Chunkymenrock

We bolt the front door from the inside when everyone's home, so yes, we need to know who is staying out all night.

We are the same. I want to put the chain on the door before I go to sleep if they aren’t coming home.

I’m a bit surprised more people haven’t said this.

I'd say you should always let parents know, if you're living at home, if plans change. Staying out all night at 21 is fine, but it's not hard now to drop a message saying 'I'll be back later tomorrow'. In my late teens, pre-mobiles, I'd often tell my parents that I would be aiming to get home, but if I'm not it was because I would be staying over with a friend (sometimes night buses back mate's house just got there sooner!)

We want a text from ds, we don't care what he does but we need to know at what point we should start worrying!

[quote OchonAgusOchonOh]**@AntiHop* - I lived with my mum at that age, after uni, and she didn't expect to know my whereabouts.*

It's not about expecting to one their whereabouts. It's about knowing whether they will be home or not.

I have 3 dc aged 23, 20 and 18. Ds23 is finished uni and doesn't live at home. If he's home for a few days, he will always tell me if he's planning on staying out or will text if plans change and he will no longer be coming home. Dd20 is at uni and comes and goes. If she's at home she does the same. Ds18 has only just finished school. While they are still in school, I expect a lot more information. However, now he's finished school, all I expect is the same courtesy as I get from his siblings.[/quote]
No I didn't tell her if I was going to be out all night. This was over 20 years ago, so before everyone had mobiles. I had a mobile, but I would have had to call her after she'd gone to bed on her house phone if I had decided not to come home, which she definitely wouldn't have appreciated

I don't have a chain on my door so no need to mention it.

I have a "modern" door that has a 4 point locking system and DSs have a key.

@AntiHop - Everyone has a mobile now. It's not a problem to send a quick text so that the parent will see it the following morning. Obviously it was more complicated back in the day so there was more variability in expectations.

FWIW - I lived at home for a while post-uni 35 years ago and would either let my dm know I wasn't coming up up to around 11/11.30 or else I would call in the morning.

Obviously not everyone is bothered but, as most of the posts on here indicate, it's pretty common to expect to be informed if one of the people in your household is not coming home.

He stayed over at a mates and I was extremely worried around 5am when he hadn't messaged and I couldn't get hold of him

Woah. Time for you to cut your own apron strings.

He's 21! This is utterly normal behaviour.

I assume he's got his own keys. So just lock the door, make sure you take your keys out and leave him to it.

It is common courtesy but what if he decides at 2am? You probably need to agree when is too late to text and be ok about that. It’s the fun of being 21 without any commitments that sometimes nights out can take unexpected turns and you stay out.

My phone is on silent at night so D's texts at whatever time he likes and if we get up and he's not here we can see he's stayed out. In an emergency he'd ring the landline.

Absolutely YANBU.

In this house while they live here, a quick text to let me know a) they are home, or b)will be staying elsewhere.

They don't mind at all.

When they move out it will be none of my business but while we live together it is a courtesy to me.

@Fdksyihfd

It is common courtesy but what if he decides at 2am? You probably need to agree when is too late to text and be ok about that. It’s the fun of being 21 without any commitments that sometimes nights out can take unexpected turns and you stay out.

Why would 2am (or any other time) be too late to text? I'm sure most people are capable of setting up their phones so a text won't disturb them and if they're not, they really should learn how to do it as a text won't necessarily be delivered immediately.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

He stayed over at a mates and I was extremely worried around 5am when he hadn't messaged and I couldn't get hold of him

Woah. Time for you to cut your own apron strings.

He's 21! This is utterly normal behaviour.

I assume he's got his own keys. So just lock the door, make sure you take your keys out and leave him to it.

It's not about apron strings. It's about common courtesy.

Any adult living in a house with family / close friends should afford them the courtesy of a simple 'I won't be home tonight' message.
I wouldn't expect anyone of 21 to go into full details of exactly where they are and with whom. An approximate return time would be appreciated though, especially if they are likely to expect a meal.

of course.

whether it's people who live here or just stay here when anyone is going out either DH or I will be told where they are going, with whom and when they will be back.

If they original plans change we inform each other. it's basic safety procedure. And common courtesy.
When our nieces & nephews stayed with us (they were 25, 23 & 20) they always told us their plans, then called or texted to let us know if they were gonna be later or stay elsewhere for the night - they happily volunteered that info because they were brought up that way too (same as DH & I).

It's such a habit I can't imagine it any other way.