I fucking hate my child at the moment

[fassnk]

I just.... argh. DS is 2yrs 2 months and EVERYTHING is a bastard battle. Getting dressed, brushing teeth, putting shoes on, eating, taking the dog for a walk, getting in the car, getting in the bath, going to bed is done with DS having a meltdown, screaming and flailing about. Hes now taken to swan diving backwards while simultaneously going limp, so he just ends up banging his head on the floor and rolling about. He managed to headbutt my eye socket while doing that today. And yesterday he lashed out and full on slapped me round the face, hes a strong little bugger as well. I'm just so fed up, and so exhausted managing multiple tantrums, that today I hate him. Is this normal?! I try my best to stay calm, encourage him to tell me whats wrong, move away if hes hitting out and say "Yes I know youre angry but no hitting as that hurts" blah blah but its not helping. I'm close to absolutely losing my shit with him to be honest and that wont help anyone. I have a DP but he works away a lot so most of the time its just me, I feel so alone and lost and angry.

We had /have this with DS who is 3. Completely normal. We are coming out the other side of it. But yes you want to throw them in the road during as it so taxing.

What works for us is a mixture of bribery “if you want to watch Dugge/go to the park etc you must get dressed”.
Putting him in his room until he is ready to do as he is asked.

Like yours my DS will flail about and is a bit of a unit so it’s very hard to make him do something physically. I also try to pick my battles, eg he refused to get dressed after swimming, so he got take home wet. It’s better to have a wet car seat then the fight.

I was looking up adoption when mine was 3. He's adorable now just a year later but dear god if you don't hate your kids at some point you're either bloody lucky, or in another country.

@GettingUntrapped

Being a parent is a bit like being at war. You have someone pushing your boundaries and wearing you down. I have two, older one, 14, is now easy. Ten year old, it's still war but thankfully not toddler level. Still infuriating though.

Yes would go along with this. Just the thing about the fourteen being easy...just wait...

mine is nearly sixteen.

Tips for toddlers:

Sounds bleeding obvious I know, but watch the sugar content and the additives in drinks/food. Worst meltdown mine ever had was prompted by some well meaning person who offered her OPal Fruits. Evil things for toddlers honestly.

Try to aim for wholefoods and slow burning carbs.
If you are on the move keep wholesome snacks on you.

Keep him hydrated. If not drinks then fruit like grapes...

Finally make sure they've got space for tantrums physically and don't hit themselves (or you)

if they kick off whilst out, ignore. And ignore even if three is tut tutting from idiots who know nothing about it.

Sorry that sounds bleeding obvious. But it IS difficult.

My tips for this age (have been through it once and am going back through it again with second child):

1. make a conscious effort to give the funny side in the irrationality of it and just roll with it

2. learn their trigger points - is it things like getting dressed/nappy that requires them to be still? Is it transitions? Is it hunger? Frustration? Then pre-empt these or learn to nip them in the bud. For example, if it's transitions, give time warnings or talk through the order of what happens first. If it's hungry give them a snack as soon as you notice it. If it's frustration and wanting to do things themselves, build in extra time before you go out. It's not so much existing then to change their behaviour but controlling the situations to minimise the battles.

3. pick your battles. They want to wear Spiderman to the shop, fine. They want to run into the road, not fine.

4. let them make their own mistakes b(but be ready to pick up the pieces). If it's cold and they refuse to wear a coat, don't fight them into it. But sneak out out with you and when they realise they are cold, you have it with you.

5. they can run away less if you change them in a corner.

6. step away and calm down if you need to.

Could more or less have written your post. I'm a lone parent to a recently turned two year old... wouldn't wish the terrible twos on my worst enemy! Lots of good advice on here, going to try a few ideas myself x

I'm not qualified to give advice, mine's only a few months older.
Just wanted to send solidarity.
We had real battles around that age where DD preferred DH (just as I had gone back to full time work as he had taken a massive pay cut) and I felt so rejected it triggered massive rage and thoughts of running away. It's much better now, our relationship has improved so much and so has her behaviour with me. It really is just phases - the good and the bad.

5. they can run away less if you change them in a corner.

Totally normal, very hard. I’ve found sometimes making things into a game can hold off a tantrum. For example my dc used to scream and refuse to go to the car, we started walking to the car like a giant and that really helped!

Yep I also have a 2y 2m old toddler and feel exactly the same! Everything is a battle, and how do toddlers run so fast! I am 34 weeks pregnant and they are actually quicker than me, I seem to spend my life chasing them around the house because I’ve suggested we change a dirty nappy or whatever! I try the natural consequences thing but it doesn’t seem to sink in, I’m just hoping one day it does!

Aaaaaw gawd!!! I've got a similar little character here plenty of tantrums we've had 2 or 3 phases in the past 6 months where she was having very long and frequent tantrums with "no" as a response to everything, went on for weeks. I bought a book I think its called "Raising a spirited child". Its out a good few years very american but there are some brilliant tips in it. Our little woman is a persistent character and I found there was some good tips for parenting with her personality. Some great tips by other posters too I'm gonna try.

I have a DD who is pretty much the exact same age who is also “challenging” at the moment - the nappy incident made me laugh… my DD makes such a big deal when I need to change her dirty nappy, as though it’s a massive honour for me to be allowed the privilege of changing it - because of course it’s so much fun chasing a toddler up and down the living room for 10 minutes to have the joy of cleaning a dirty nappy at the end! 🤣

They’re testing what they can and can’t get away with, it’s a phase and will pass. I think a lot of people experience the same challenges.

I would like to recommend the book 'How to talk so little kids will listen'. Ages 2-7. Written by Faber & King. Still haven't read it fully but their techniques work for our DD.
Handhold, you must be exhausted.

At that stage, I suddenly developed an unlimited imagination to create distractions!

A firm "no" worked much better than a "I know you are feeling frustrated, I share your frustration but..."bollocks which would irritate the most patient child anyway.

My kids aren't allowed screens at that age, so for nappy change, my phone was still a welcome treat.

What helped me most was remembering how brave you have to be when you are so tiny to defy someone as big as an adult. Instead of seeing an infuriating tantrumming toddler, it made me see a very cute and brave tiny person.

Mines the same. Try talking to your HV. Also I've found the less I interact the quicker it de-escalates. I say something Like 'when you're calm come find me for a cuddle' and he mostly will and then we have a chat about it. It still happens again though. Sometimes there's not time to pander to it and I just have to force him to do whatever we need to do like brush teeth. It's exhausting.

video the escaping toddler is a good one too. Gives you a step back from the situation, and it's actually quite funny.

One of mine responded really well with choices, "put your trousers on" was a battle, "red or blue trousers?" got him interested in choosing...

Strangely it still works now he's 15 - he refuses to shower, but hasn't quite twigged that "do you fancy the green bubbles in your bath or the blue?" gets him clean!

Oh thanks everyone. I feel less of a shit parent now that I know it isnt just me failing but is general toddlerdom. Still bloody frustrating though. Think I'm just exhausted and near the end of my tether, when DP is home ill arrange some me time to get a little break and new energy to manage it all :/ Some great tips here and I'll look into the books too. Too right it's a good job theyre cute!

I've found that all the softly softly acknowledging feelings stuff works only sometimes. If they're in a proper rage it's just more noise to them. So for hitting, biting etc, mine just get a sharp "No! We do not hit!" Put them down, turn away. Discussion can come later.

Sympathy. 🌻 and a hand hold.

I used to count to ten and then start singing a silly song with at the top of my voice which confused my DC and diffused my anger.

The best advice I can give - Don't have a second! If you think your patience is low now... also Janet Lansbury. Find her on FB, her methods made the toddler years easier for me. Still hated them at times mind you, but less often

My 2 year old DS is an absolute angel for the most part....BUT! Even he would test the patience of a Saint. He's learnt recently to lock eyes with me as he struts towards the door, where he backs out of the room and slams the door shut in a massive toddler "fuck you, bitch!" The face he pulls as he does it is hilarious. I secretly laugh until he reappears and I tell him off. I find it's the best way to cope with it. If I was to get angry and upset i'd most likely be a screamy, shouty nutter and that's not good.

So, instead of arguing, we spend the entire day competing for Gold in the "who can say no most" category of toddler Olympics.

I NC last week for a similar post. Mine is almost 3 and I have him and the baby on my own two days a week. Without fail, the day starts off lovely and by the end of it I've lost the will to carry on. I would never say I hate him as that's not me, but I have definitely more than once wondered whether a good smack might stop the bullshit behaviour... My problem is that I don't suffer fools gladly and toddlers are just complete irrational idiots. I get kicked and hit and have my hair pulled every time and pay for the privilege by having to do bedtime afterwards. It's fucking tedious and like you said, it's a good job they're cute.

I have one the exact same age (and a 4.5 year old too) and I would absolutely not stand for this as ‘normal 2-year-old behaviour’. If either of mine have ever hit or pushed me I have come down on them like a tonne of bricks. Discipline! Of course they tantrum sometimes but it sounds like this is constant and that you’re at the end of your tether. You say you’re worried you’re going to lose your shit with him - maybe you should? I’m not talking about hitting him or screaming in his face but I absolutely cannot imagine calmly telling my DC that I ‘understand they are frustrated’ if they physically assaulted me. That’s not how it flies in this house.
Don’t let your kids do anything that makes you not like them (let alone feel like you hate them!). Discipline him. At this age one of your main jobs as a parent is to socialise him. If you allow him to regularly absolutely lose his shit and physically lash out at people without any consequence you will have failed him. Come on, you’ve got this.
Techniques I find useful with my DC are: giving two choices that both achieve the same outcome eg. Do you want your own soap or do you want some of Mummy’s soap? Or giving two options, one being something they would like even less than the thing you are trying to get them to do and FOLLOW THROUGH if they choose the other option. You’ll only need to do that a few times before they learn that you mean business. Also, try using a character toy or teddy to take your place and do the thing you’re trying to do eg. Chase wants to put on your socks!
Above all, you’ve GOT to maintain strong boundaries. Always follow through with what you say and don’t let him run the show. They push at this stage to see where the boundaries are and if they’re firm - if they find that the boundaries are wobbly and variable it makes them feel lost and out of control. If you can give him firm boundaries he will feel more secure and he’ll know where he stands. Good luck!

It will pass.
I had similar. It’s hard. Can you hand him to anyone else for a couple of hours and give yourself a break?

It’s normal. DC2 is 3.5 and has only just grown out of this and morphed into a better child. You just have to grit your teeth and ride it out.

Now if only they’d stop biting their sibling. When I asked why they did it this morning the answer I got was ‘because I was hungry!’