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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I fucking hate my child at the moment

94 replies

fassnk · 13/08/2021 20:09

I just.... argh. DS is 2yrs 2 months and EVERYTHING is a bastard battle. Getting dressed, brushing teeth, putting shoes on, eating, taking the dog for a walk, getting in the car, getting in the bath, going to bed is done with DS having a meltdown, screaming and flailing about. Hes now taken to swan diving backwards while simultaneously going limp, so he just ends up banging his head on the floor and rolling about. He managed to headbutt my eye socket while doing that today. And yesterday he lashed out and full on slapped me round the face, hes a strong little bugger as well. I'm just so fed up, and so exhausted managing multiple tantrums, that today I hate him. Is this normal?! I try my best to stay calm, encourage him to tell me whats wrong, move away if hes hitting out and say "Yes I know youre angry but no hitting as that hurts" blah blah but its not helping. I'm close to absolutely losing my shit with him to be honest and that wont help anyone. I have a DP but he works away a lot so most of the time its just me, I feel so alone and lost and angry.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 13/08/2021 20:41

I know this is lazy parenting but things like teeth brushing and getting dressed that are trigger points I often just do in front of tv or tablet so they are distracted. As they never seem to get tired of the fucking battle and I just cant be arsed to spend half my life arguing about routine shit like putting socks on

JaffaRaf · 13/08/2021 20:45

YANBU, my youngest was like this and it was rage inducing some days. She’s 4 now and has her moments but it’s so much better, she’s amazing. I didn’t do naughty step at that age and tried to give choices within reason and always made sure I reassured her that I loved her every chance I got. But mostly it was like a never ending battle at that age. All phases pass tho OP, and 2 is a difficult age in any child.

Consistentlytired · 13/08/2021 20:47

Aw, OP I can relate so much to this, I really struggled when my youngest was like this.
I don't believe in the naughty step myself as I think it just leaves the child with their big emotions when they haven't got the brain capacity to regulate themselves yet.
Accept feelings, hold the boundary every time.
Give choices, would you like to wear x or y.
The blue plate or green, etc.
It's a bloody nightmare this stage but it is a good sign that your child is showing they want to become independent from you.
Sometimes I find spending 10 minutes a day fully undivided attention doing something with your child that they want to do reduces kick backs.
It's hard work, I've been where you are feeling like you but it does get better I promise x

Dguu6u · 13/08/2021 20:49

It’s such a tiring phase. It’s perfectly OK to feel this way. Parenting is hard, especially if you’re on your own a lot. I always think, I don’t hate him, I hate his behaviour. It’s not his fault, his brain just can’t handle all these emotions yet. It’ll get better (and much sooner than 5!). And you’ll find ways of dealing with it too. Sometimes it helps to do things playfully, e.g. play peekaboo when pulling their jumpers over their heads. This sometimes helps, but it’s also fine to just get things done quickly to get them over with, and then breathe and have some quiet time once they’re in bed. You can do it! One day at a time.

Consistentlytired · 13/08/2021 20:50

Also there is a book No such thing as naughty which is really helpful.

wewereliars · 13/08/2021 20:51

2 year olds are gorgeous and a nightmare. Wear him out as much as you can.

sadperson16 · 13/08/2021 20:52

Can you get a break for a couple of hours?

RLOU30 · 13/08/2021 20:52

Omg I can’t believe this isn’t my post, I have this exact thing going on (I’ve even got the dog walks to deal with too). Mine won’t get dressed I have to actually pin him down else we don’t get out the door for hours. Teeth is a pin down job too. I’ve tried everything to understand and reason with him and it’s been months now and I’m really close to the edge.
Your not alone I really need help too :(

WeDidntMeanToGoToSea · 13/08/2021 20:52

2 - especially newly 2 - is a BABY. They are really really very very young at this age. They live absolutely in the moment. I'm wondering if you're doing transitions quite abruptly?

I do think you need to reflect on where the feelings of hate come from - that is a very strong response and it doesn't sound entirely impulsive, given you've typed it out twice.

tiredanddangerous · 13/08/2021 20:52

Have you tried giving him choices? "Shall we brush yours teeth first or wash your face?" "Shall we put your shoes on first or your coat?" That way he feels like he has some control and isn't being told what to do all day.

Babyboomtastic · 13/08/2021 20:53

This is totally what 2 year olds are like.
Good job they are cute.

Panickingpavlova · 13/08/2021 20:53

It's hideous op

Lower standards on dressing etc don't worry about mess if you have any money to get him in nursery for a bit or toddler groups, classes but where you can relax..

Panickingpavlova · 13/08/2021 20:55

Let them go out in pj's!
Don't fight them and esp on teeth be very careful

Light touch with toddlers, it you dig in, they will dig in harder.. But what you've got going for you is gold fish memories.
If you backed off teeth for at least a week then u came back with a totally different tactic.. They might be tricked.. You have to box cleaver

TonTonMacoute · 13/08/2021 20:55

As a PP has said, this is where the expression Terrible Twos comes from!

For what it's worth I found that using a timer helped enormously.

Whenever I said 'you must get out of the bath now' or 'right we are going home now', or 'you must get dressed now' there was a massive fuss.

I had a timer on my watch set for 5 minutes, and if I said 'you must get out of the bath...we are going home...you must get dressed' in 5 minutes when the watch beeps, then all was fine. He even enjoyed rushing over to turn off the alarm by pushing the little button.

Might help!

Travielkapelka · 13/08/2021 20:55

Totally normal. F*cking nightmare. It oases

Travielkapelka · 13/08/2021 20:55

Passes

TiredThursday · 13/08/2021 20:55

@Panda2021

Absolutely normal, in fact a sign that he’s developing great!! So hard in the moments though, so so challenging at times I understand and regularly I feel like absolutely screaming the house down myself or lying kicking my feet in a temper. some things that have helped me over the years- remembering toddlers mainly want two things- power/ control and also attention. So don’t sweat the small stuff- give him choice within your own limits. so for example getting shoes on for going out a walk- if this usually difficult give a small choice - what shoes the red or the navy? Ensure they get at least 10 mins one to one attention no phone etc activity completely directed by them once a day or several times a day. Time to leave the park/ avoid meltdown s by saying ok we are going to leave soon- how many more minutes would you like you pick any number 1/2/3/4 or 5? They pick number , ah great number/ choice and then Set the timer on phone and say hey your number is here now let’s go . All said very jolly and hey ho. Any resistance just say it’s time to leave the park nice and calmly and lift and carry with u! If they are struggling against something or for example hitting- you say oh son I see you are upset recognise the feeling but I won’t let you hit me and nice and calm( inside your prob raging but they don’t need to see that!) lift him and move him away/ you away or whatever he is hitting. If giving a consequence only do so if it’s a natural one... so no threatening if we won’t go to the park if you won’t eat your dinner type of thing as parks arnt related to dinner in real life. So a natural consequence would be for example messing before bath time, if u continue to mess/ not get undressed etc then we won’t have time for stories/ tv before bed as it’s nearly dark/ set bedtime etc. Or rephrase as a positive - We need to get our shoes on now so we can have lots of time to play in the park together/ which shoes red or blue , you pick? If you are on Instagram the page big little feelings is great - so many helpful ideas and things. But absolutely most of all remember you’re doing a great job, IT IS hard work, everyone is in the same boat even if they don’t publicly share it and nobody has it perfect with their child at all!feet up tonight and relax, tomorrow will be a better day x
Loved this response...I would also recommend Biglittlefeelings on Insta, lots of helpful real life advice
Sobeyondthehills · 13/08/2021 20:56

If it helps at this age, DS headbutted me in the mouth and took out my 2 front teeth (they were false due to an argument when drunk with concreate stairs a few years before) but he did it that hard.

He is now 9 and spent the last few days looking after me, as I have been ill

TheMoth · 13/08/2021 20:56

I had one of these! I had to leave her with dh on occasion and go for a drive, so I wouldn't beat the living daylights out of her. She was like my biggest, most adoring fan (albeit Kathy bates in Misery) and my worst enemy.

If it's any consolation, she turned into a fabulous older kid. Teenage years just around the corner, so she may regress.

BrokenLink · 13/08/2021 20:58

Many two year olds automatically resist any and all demands on them. This can be alleviated by warning them of any new demand so they can get used to the idea. For example " in two minutes it will be nappy change time/ lunch time. In two minutes I am going to ask you to lie on the mat/ get into your highchair. Then warn again, one minute before. Even better if you can set a little timer to ring when the time comes. Bear in mind that hungry/ tired/ overwhelmed 2 year olds struggle to cope with nearly any demands. Recognising the triggers for meltdowns can also help you avoid big demands when they are least likely to be tolerated.

Pob13 · 13/08/2021 20:58

My 2 year old is a complete dick most days. But a complete angel at nursery. One of our main problems is my own fault. I give in to the tantrums and he has become addicted to chocolate and tv. I need to reset everything but dont know where to start. I feel like a massive failure.

PartyofPun · 13/08/2021 20:59

Yep. They can be utterly infuriating!!! We cheat and use tv for changes and teeth brushing. We’ve had some epic and soul destroying meltdowns over getting in the pram or the car or being carried and I’m afraid we’re only coming out of that nearer 3.

Setting more boundaries has actually helped but it was haaaaard going.

Originalyellowbelly · 13/08/2021 21:02

I hate mine too, he's 50.

Jubilate · 13/08/2021 21:03

I used to work evenings. One night I was in a staff meeting and someone asked me about my day and I started crying talking about what a difficult day I'd had. My colleagues all looked at me confused, as I was a stay at home mother to one child. She was just turned 2.

PartyofPun · 13/08/2021 21:05

@Pob13

My 2 year old is a complete dick most days. But a complete angel at nursery. One of our main problems is my own fault. I give in to the tantrums and he has become addicted to chocolate and tv. I need to reset everything but dont know where to start. I feel like a massive failure.
Yes - trying to moderate the noise at 5am or when someone’s trying to wfh or just trying to get through lockdowns has led to some massively stupid parenting decisions here! Hopefully they can be evened out in the next few months.
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