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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Presuming someone is pregnant

71 replies

Headtalk29 · 10/08/2021 21:06

#AIBU - I went for an anniversary meal to Bank in Birmingham and on showing us to our table the Maitre D stated “I can see you’re expecting so you might prefer these chairs as they are more supportive” whilst gesturing towards my midriff. I can accept that my menopausal stomach is bigger than I would like but I left home feeling quite happy with my size 14 appearance and ended up rushing through my special meal in tears feeling very self conscious. I raised this concern with the restaurant when I got home but they have not even acknowledged my concern. Is it ever ok to presume someone is pregnant and openly comment on this?

OP posts:
Marlena1 · 10/08/2021 21:10

Never ok to assume. I consider myself fairly slim but after a meal/time of month/a bad week would probably look pregnant.

Theploughwasshowingandorion · 10/08/2021 21:16

Absolutely not and I’m so sorry it happened to you. It’s happened to me too and it’s devastating isn’t it. I’m also size 14 but tend to bloat around the stomach, but still! It’s happened about three times to me over the years and when I’ve actually been pregnant it’s a relief to not worry people might incorrectly comment Sad I’ve been lucky enough to be able to conceive but can’t imagine how awful someone might feel who couldn’t but was put in this position. I like the maxim of ‘unless the baby’s head is emerging, don’t assume a woman is pregnant (and even then, only if it’s any of your business!)’

AntiHop · 10/08/2021 21:18

Never assume! If it's any consolation, this happens to my size 8 friend every so often, as she has a slightly round tummy!

PinkPurpleParade · 10/08/2021 21:22

I'm so sorry this happened to you, OP! I can imagine it upset you. Hopefully the restaurant will write to you with an apology!

Trinacham · 10/08/2021 21:23

YANBU. I am 4 months pregnant myself but only just showing and I would find it rude now for someone to assume (I'm a size 12 and I did have a belly pre-pregnancy).

SmidgenofaPigeon · 10/08/2021 21:23

That’s so rude of them. It had happened to me too, I was a size ten as well but on holiday and in a period bloat, been eating as I pleased etc, and a taxi driver said to DH and I ‘so when is the baby due?’ I said ‘in about four years if it all works out!’ He didn’t apologise either, just blustered around saying ‘well it’s the style of dress and not very good posture, if you were sitting up straight I wouldn’t have thought it’ Confused

bakingdemon · 10/08/2021 21:23

Definitely definitely keep complaining until you get a full apology. The maitre d needs to learn that that's not acceptable!

YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan · 10/08/2021 21:24

I struggle with bloating sometimes. I was livid recently as the gossipy lady opposite has obviously noticed my swollen tum and has told the rest of the street I'm pregnant. I keep getting congratulated by other neighbours and I have to say I'm not which makes them feel awkward Blush

girlmom21 · 10/08/2021 21:28

That's outrageous! I'm sorry that they were so rude and upset you!

PurpleDaisies · 10/08/2021 21:32

It’s totally inappropriate and potentially very upsetting. Please keep complaining.

PurpleDaisies · 10/08/2021 21:34

Who on earth are the 9% of posters who think you’re unreasonable?

Kiki275 · 10/08/2021 21:36

Yes, it's so rude to assume. An emirates cabin crew asked me if I was expecting when boarding a flight to Dubai. I had just got married the day before and was going on honeymoon, so it really didn't make me feel good. She then claimed she asked me for "security reasons" 🙄 x

Kisskiss · 10/08/2021 21:36

Em this is going to be an unpopular opinion, but I think he was just trying to be considerate and it was an unfortunate mistake that he made…

VladmirsPoutine · 10/08/2021 21:38

Are you on Twitter? Companies are a LOT quicker to respond to criticism on social media.

That said, I think it was a poster on Mumsnet that said something along the lines of nobody should ever assume a woman is pregnant unless they witness the baby actually coming out of her or she tells them of her own volition.

PurpleDaisies · 10/08/2021 21:38

@Kisskiss

Em this is going to be an unpopular opinion, but I think he was just trying to be considerate and it was an unfortunate mistake that he made…
Whether his motives were good or not doesn’t excuse it.
Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 10/08/2021 21:40

I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you. That's highly insensitive. We went to a national trust for my birthday and couple of years ago and had breakfast first so I was possibly bloated but was also wearing a Boden dress that had some comments on the reviews where women though it made them look pregnant. Any way I thought it looked nice until this woman at the NT asked me when my baby was due! I said erm I'm not pregnant and she said of course you're not like she knew she'd put her foot in it. I've never worn that dress again.

MotherOfCrocodiles · 10/08/2021 21:44

This has happened to me a lot-must be my body shape

My standard reply is "I'm not pregnant just fat". Somehow this avoids making it into a big deal whilst also discouraging the person from saying similar in future

HeyMona · 10/08/2021 21:52

I always go by what @Theploughwasshowingandorion says "unless the baby’s head is emerging, don’t assume a woman is pregnant (and even then, only if it’s any of your business!)"

Having had years of infertility and IVF treatments which can make you bloated it would be really hurtful for someone to make that assumption.

I was offered a seat on a crowded tube once with much gesturing at my belly (not while doing IVF but on my way to a work event which I'd tried to look smart for).

It doesn't matter @Kisskiss what his motives were, he's made OP feel pretty shitty and possibly done it to other women too.
People (especially in customer facing roles but would be a useful lesson for all) need to be aware people can be bloated because of medication, IBS, periods, endometriosis, constipation or just too much food.
There is no excuse.

I might notice what appears to be a pregnant belly but would not comment on it unless the owner of that belly mentions it first.

yellowrattle · 10/08/2021 21:58

It’s happened to me too. I was offered a seat on the tube as I was expecting. I’ve also made the mistake with someone at a new job as I was told someone was leaving to have a baby and got mixed up. I felt awful! I have obviously never jumped to any conclusions again! I know it’s happened to lots of my friends too.

godmum56 · 10/08/2021 21:59

If you don't get a response chase it!

Magpiecomplex · 10/08/2021 22:00

When we moved house with a toddler, the new health visitor asked when the next one was due, with a significant look at my body. I told her not for at least two years! She did have the grace to look embarrassed.
Recently I was told by a random stranger that I was vulnerable to covid, again with the significant look. We were queueing outside the pharmacy, where I needed to collect my HRT!

ooowhataday · 10/08/2021 22:10

@MotherOfCrocodiles I'm the same and I give the same response!

The irony for me being we tried to have kids for years but I had recurrent MC, I wished I was pregnant!

I have also made the error myself. I was at a corporate party and seated at a table with a woman I'd never met before. At the time I'd just gone through IVF and discovered I was pregnant... I had babies on the mind! This woman was very slim but had a very prominent round "bump", and she was only drinking water like me... baring in mind it was free wine on tap! Had a lovely evening, I then asked her when she was due and she told me she wasn't pregnant. I was mortified as I knew how bad she'd feel as I'd been asked before when I wasn't actually pregnant. When she stood up it was clear she didn't have a bump, it was unfortunate that the beading on her dress created the perfect bump when she sat down.

I've never made that mistake again

user1493494961 · 10/08/2021 22:16

Very rude but at least he thought you looked young enough.

sayanythingelse · 10/08/2021 22:18

It's never ok. A few months ago (before I actually was pregnant), a guy came into my work and asked when my baby was due. When I said I wasn't pregnant, he replied with "oh, your dress just looks like one of those maternity dresses"

I quite liked that dress until then lol.

Bookishnerd · 10/08/2021 22:21

You are not being unreasonable OP.

When I was about 14, I had a Saturday job in a local shop. A woman came in with a swollen tummy, and in my total naïveté I asked her when she was due. She wasn't pregnant, she was anorexic and had a swollen tummy through malnutrition. One of the worst mistakes of my life. She wrote me a short letter explaining what was going on, and I found it incredibly valuable, even if it was also shaming.

She didn't complain about me, she just re-educated me and made me understand the human impact of something like this so that I would never do it again.

You are right to keep pushing the restaurant for a response. The maitre d needs the same wake-up call I had when I was 14 - the words he chose made someone feel bad and he needs to own it

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