Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Presuming someone is pregnant

71 replies

Headtalk29 · 10/08/2021 21:06

#AIBU - I went for an anniversary meal to Bank in Birmingham and on showing us to our table the Maitre D stated “I can see you’re expecting so you might prefer these chairs as they are more supportive” whilst gesturing towards my midriff. I can accept that my menopausal stomach is bigger than I would like but I left home feeling quite happy with my size 14 appearance and ended up rushing through my special meal in tears feeling very self conscious. I raised this concern with the restaurant when I got home but they have not even acknowledged my concern. Is it ever ok to presume someone is pregnant and openly comment on this?

OP posts:
twinningatlife · 11/08/2021 03:22

This happened to me - I was just recovering from my 5th miscarriage - I left in tears

avamiah · 11/08/2021 03:58

Omg I had to read this post 3 times as I thought I had misread it to be honest as it just left me speechless.

I have been on MN for many years so I don’t want to get banned but the guy must surely have a handicap/ disability as this is not a normal thing to say .

It’s so outrageous.

PurpleOkapi · 11/08/2021 04:45

YANBU, but this is a no-win situation. I've gotten flack for not congratulating colleagues who, for all knew, could have had a large abdominal tumor.

newnortherner111 · 11/08/2021 06:58

I think you should complain about this. You could have been someone who had recently had a miscarriage for example.

PurpleDaisies · 11/08/2021 07:23

@PurpleOkapi

YANBU, but this is a no-win situation. I've gotten flack for not congratulating colleagues who, for all knew, could have had a large abdominal tumor.
You’ve had flack for not congratulating colleagues before they’ve announced they’re pregnant? Your work place must be really odd.
Liverbird77 · 11/08/2021 08:07

@Kisskiss if he was "trying to be considerate" there would have been much better ways to go about it. For example, just show her to the chair without remarking upon it, if he genuinely thought she was.

OP he was totally out of line. Keep complaining!

hellywelly3 · 11/08/2021 08:24

A few years ago I had one of my husbands work colleagues have a go at me at a works party for smoking whilst pregnant! I told him I was just fat not pregnant but he was insistent that I was pregnant, it was so embarrassing everyone was looking around! He was a proper knob!

Kisskiss · 11/08/2021 09:30

[quote Liverbird77]@Kisskiss if he was "trying to be considerate" there would have been much better ways to go about it. For example, just show her to the chair without remarking upon it, if he genuinely thought she was.

OP he was totally out of line. Keep complaining![/quote]
I guess what I’m trying to say is.. I don’t think we should crucify someone if they had decent intentions..if op had said she wasn’t pregnant I’m sure he would have felt mortified about his presumption.. has nobody posting here ever made a genuine mistake? If you complain to the restaurabt he might get marked down/ job impacted. Far better to just bring it up to him at the time, so he knows not to next time…

PurpleDaisies · 11/08/2021 09:32

Far better to just bring it up to him at the time, so he knows not to next time…

That option isn’t available.

If you complain to the restaurabt he might get marked down/ job impacted.

He shouldn’t have said something stupid then. More likely he’ll just not do it again, which is the result everyone wants.

PabloSlow · 11/08/2021 09:39

Also happened to me, at work... the day I returned after having a miscarriage Blush I'd lost 1/2 stone too through the emotional grief!

workshy44 · 11/08/2021 09:42

On the plus side you are menopausal and yet still look young enough to have a baby !

GoAwayCat · 11/08/2021 09:47

I do get that it's upsetting OP but I am slightly in the camp of 'he was trying to do something nice'. I don't think he's a dick or any of the horrible names he's been called. He was trying to be nice and look after a pregnant woman. He just made a mistake.

I am sorry that your meal was ruined though and I can totally understand how it would make you feel shit.

PurpleDaisies · 11/08/2021 09:48

He just made a mistake

Which he needs to understand is hurtful and never do again.

Chikapu · 11/08/2021 09:51

@avamiah

Omg I had to read this post 3 times as I thought I had misread it to be honest as it just left me speechless.

I have been on MN for many years so I don’t want to get banned but the guy must surely have a handicap/ disability as this is not a normal thing to say .

It’s so outrageous.

I had to re-read your post several times too, a handicap/disability? Really? Talk about outrageous.

OP why didn't you just say something instead of letting it ruin your evening?

Lavender24 · 11/08/2021 09:54

I'm so sorry OP. Honestly I'm a size 8 but I have a bit of a pot belly plus I have digestive issues so I often look about five months pregnant (hence why I live in baggy tops). So it's not just you! I understand why you're so upset though, I'd feel the same way and it's never OK to verbally assume someone is pregnant.

TheGoogleMum · 11/08/2021 10:23

I think he meant well, but he shouldn't have assumed! Most people know better than to assume unless 100% certain

Original poster
Headtalk29 · 11/08/2021 11:15

On reflection I probably should have said something, in the moment I was mortified and didn’t want to draw further attention to myself by responding in a busy area within earshot of lots of diners. In my complaint to them I made clear that I recognised it wasn’t his intention to cause upset but I thought he should be aware how upsetting that kind of remark can be. I think they should at least acknowledge that!

OP posts:
Catflapkitkat · 11/08/2021 11:21

That is awful - it would also have ruined my night. So sorry. Please peruse for a response

Potatoy · 11/08/2021 11:26

Absolutely never ok.

PurpleOkapi · 11/08/2021 15:33

You’ve had flack for not congratulating colleagues before they’ve announced they’re pregnant? Your work place must be really odd.

It's a very large office, with people often rotating in and out from even larger offices. I imagine people tell their friends and immediate supervisors, but there's no widespread email blast until they go on maternity leave. If I heard through the grapevine that Jane Smith is pregnant, I'm not going to remember that if I don't even know who Jane Smith is. If she's in another office at that time, there's no way I'd have heard anything. And then when I'm later assigned to work with Jane Smith on something, and I can see she looks pregnant but I don't congratulate her, she sometimes takes offense.

Hadjab · 11/08/2021 15:51

This happened to me on a packed rush hour train.

“Excuse me, would you like to sit down?”

“No thanks, I’m not pregnant, just bloated.”

“Oh! You should be drinking a cup of aloe Vera in the mornings to help with that.”

Some bloke told her to shut up and fuck off. They then proceeded to have a full blown argument, as I got off at my stop…

New posts on this thread. Refresh page