Presuming someone is pregnant

[Headtalk29]

#AIBU - I went for an anniversary meal to Bank in Birmingham and on showing us to our table the Maitre D stated “I can see you’re expecting so you might prefer these chairs as they are more supportive” whilst gesturing towards my midriff. I can accept that my menopausal stomach is bigger than I would like but I left home feeling quite happy with my size 14 appearance and ended up rushing through my special meal in tears feeling very self conscious. I raised this concern with the restaurant when I got home but they have not even acknowledged my concern. Is it ever ok to presume someone is pregnant and openly comment on this?

That is savage and not ok. He's a dick OP don't listen to his shit.

It's never ok to presume someone is pregnant.

I did have an old lady ask me once when my baby was due. Tbf to her I was 2 week post partum at the time and still have a decent sized bump.

Never, never assume.
I worked in an office with a woman (I didn't know her other than to say a passing 'hello') who had a bloated middle.
One day, someone visiting the office gestured to her belly and said, " When's it due?"
She stared at them for a moment and said "The funeral will be in about a year. I have terminal cancer."

Happened to me in Greece.I was queuing in H&M and the woman in front of me gestured to my stomach as they had a special till/queue for pregnant women.I was so upset I actually filled up when I left.For the record I'm a size 12 and had a bit of a bloat on but fuck me it really knocked my confidence for the rest of the holiday.

@WeatherwaxOn

Never, never assume. I worked in an office with a woman (I didn't know her other than to say a passing 'hello') who had a bloated middle. One day, someone visiting the office gestured to her belly and said, " When's it due?" She stared at them for a moment and said "The funeral will be in about a year. I have terminal cancer."

Jesus

I get that he should have kept his thoughts to himself but really? Rushing tearfully through the meal and feeling self conscious is a bit of an overreaction really. Personally I probably would have said something dramatic like 'omg how mortifying I'm not pregnant' and hope to get a free bottle of wine out of his embarrassment.

OMG never unless totally obvious (in labour 😂)

@PurpleDaisies

Who on earth are the 9% of posters who think you’re unreasonable?

The restaurant owners

He was very very wrong and it’s important it gets fed back to him. When something similar happened to me I was so upset. Nice to know it happens to lots of us though! It goes to show how distorted society’s view of female bodies is though, that normal tummies confuse people so easily.

YANBU.

I’ve got a 18 month old, last week at work a colleague asked me when I was going to give her a sibling but did it in a way that made me think she already thought I may be pregnant. I’m not, and I made it very obvious I knew she was hinting that I was pregnant and I’m absolutely not. I’m bloated and still have a post c section pouch that will not budge. It’s so fucking rude.

I'm so paranoid about doing this that when I bumped into an old colleague a while back I studiously didn't mention it until she did - she must have wondered how I 'didn't notice' an 8-month pregnancy!

I think the Maitre D was definitely just trying to be kind. But I agree it was misguided kindness.

Even if a woman is pregnant, she might not have conceived in happy circumstances and if so, might not want a stranger to draw attention to her condition.

I go to restaurants with a friend who transfers from a wheelchair but only if the chairs are firm and of a certain height. It's amazing how much waiters can commu icate about a chair without referencing my friends wheelchair or condition. It's really easy to say "would either of you prefer a chair with a higher back at all/ arm rests" and thus be helpful or considerate but not be referencing assumptions that might have inspired the thought.

My work colleague got asked once. It was only that being asked that pushed her to go to the doctors (we all thought she had just put on weight and obviously hasn't mentioned it!) and they operated and removed a cyst the size of a football
No clue why she didn't go earlier!

But yes, never ask. Unless the baby is crowning and you're at the business end

I have been one of the bad ones to congratulate and the reason why was the outfit, skimpy tight fitting outfit which showed off the rounded belly on a otherwise slim lady. I have big belly days but dress to flatter and distract attention to that area.
However lesson learnt and won't do that again.

DD was 5 months old and DH and I attended a wedding. It was our first day out together since DD was born and I felt good in a new dress, make up on etc.

Early on at the reception I had a soft drink and was told by DH's friend, ah you're pregnant aren't you while looking me up and down.

Eh no, I have a 5 month old, I'm still carrying extra weight and I felt like a diet coke. Didn't feel so great after that

Oh god this happened to me. Picking up the keys to a village hall (for my DS's first birthday) and wearing a belted coat. Very 'proper' but kind lady who handed over the keys said 'abs I can see you have another little one on the way as well, how lovely'
I was so embarrassed and upset that I just played along. Did some mental maths to work out how long I might have left and how pregnant she must think I looked. Looking back now I wonder why on Earth I worked so hard to save her blushes. The coat certainly didn't get worn again.
It's never never ok OP. Even if the waiter thought that they could have just given you the seat without making explicit why. I'm sorry your meal was clouded by that

I had seven kids so I couldn't really fault people occasionally thinking I was pg again.

But the best one happened when my last child was about 15m.
this old lady from church marched up to me in Tesco, proceeded to gently place her hand on my belly and asked "so how old is this one?"
So I replied with: "41"
🤣

That's shit OP, and it's an unspoken rule that you never ask! You say "You look well" and wait to be told, or say nothing.

If it helps last year I went to Alton Towers and was told I couldn't get on a ride because they didn't allow pregnant women on. I wasn't pregnant. My youngest was 4. FML.

I've had it loads. It comes with being fat and not drinking TBH. I just tell people I'm not pregnant, I just need a decent shit. Soon shuts them up.

It's happens a lot unfortunately.

I'm not fat but have always had a tummy. Used to bother me a lot before now I don't give a crap and ignore.

@nokidshere

I get that he should have kept his thoughts to himself but really? Rushing tearfully through the meal and feeling self conscious is a bit of an overreaction really. Personally I probably would have said something dramatic like 'omg how mortifying I'm not pregnant' and hope to get a free bottle of wine out of his embarrassment.

Has it happened to you?

It makes you feel like shit, especially when you think you look good/are all done up for a nice evening.

I've had this happen a few times. When people offered me seats on the tube though I took them and didn't correct them 🤭

@MotherOfCrocodiles

This has happened to me a lot-must be my body shape

My standard reply is "I'm not pregnant just fat". Somehow this avoids making it into a big deal whilst also discouraging the person from saying similar in future

Yep I think that's the best response. It's nice to watch people scramble after being immensely rude!

@MotherOfCrocodiles

that's what I say as well.

at other time, when asked if I'm pregnant I just say "no thanks. you?" 🤣 it's very effective

The problem with Bank is that they seem to forget it’s in Brum 🤣
He was probably trying to give excellent customer service but made an ass of it. He’s probably kicking himself but once it’s said it can’t be taken back.