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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is my dad being unreasonable/hurtful

65 replies

onlychildhamster · 10/08/2021 15:40

Looking for a handhold here. I am 28 years old and I was talking to my dad today about property prices in London and the UK (I own a 2 bed flat in London that I bought in 2019 and I was saying I am overpaying my mortgage every month). Note I own the 400k property he is talking about.

This is what he said. I have copy and pasted his exact words, and removed the name of our home country/childhood home names for privacy reasons. These are his exact words, this isn't a troll or a stealth boast. I would say that my parents are wealthy but definitely not ultra high net worth individuals or celebrities or anything in that category.

'anyway all these $$$ is very very insignificant. GBP400K property even if it should appreciate to GBP800K is really not worth bothering about. In the bigger scheme of things the next 30 years, being able to earn GBP10m is what the top 30% of magic circle graduates will be able to achieve esp with this rise in inflation.

the fresh graduates salary will be above GBP100K and most will hit GBP500K after 10 - 15 years. alas for the bottom 50%, it will be tough.property in prime location will be above GBP5m. like what is happening in insert home country now.in 1988, 'parents' first property' cost $550K, 7 years later, sold for $1.7m, today it should be worth $3.5m. what this does not make the owner of a terrace house rich unless he migrate and retire in 'neighbouring country'.property price rise is not the means to secure retirement.being able to secure a professional career with credible wages is the way to growing one's wealth.'

AIBU to feel really sad when he talks this way. If I am honest, it makes me feel like crying. Needless to say DH and I don't earn that kind of cash, we don't have the best jobs though we did go to good universities. We do earn enough for a comfortable life though we probably do need to earn more if we want to upgrade to a 3 bed flat (my next financial goal) or provide well for our future child. I am fine with that, I know it's important to be financially secure. I just feel like a failure when he talks like that, I usually stop responding and often go NC for long periods of time. If I am totally honest, though I miss my home country, I don't often go back more than once a year because it means conversations like this 24/7. When DH and I do go back, we prefer to pay for a hotel just to avoid conversations like this. DH is a native Londoner btw and he isn't really used to this kind of family dynamic. Tbh my dad has always been like this but I think I was accustomed to it when I was younger but since I moved abroad for university and got married, my tolerance level is probably much lower than it used to be.

AIBU for thinking that what my dad says is very hurtful? How should I deal with it? Thanks all. Maybe he thinks it's encouragement but it doesn't feel that way!

OP posts:
onlychildhamster · 10/08/2021 15:43

Cont'd

'the rise in inflation and drop in interest rate will mean that retires who sold their London house for GBP2m and buy a house up north for GBP500K, the GBP 1.5m will not last for the remaining 20-30 years of their golden years.

in 2050, London house probably can fetch GBP2m and can have GBP1.5m moving up north. But GBP 1.5m from 2050 to 2080 is equivalent less than GBP800K in 2020 dollar value - difficult to imagine can sustain a couple 60 to 90 years old in retirement. will require at least GBP 5million - sometime that those who earn GBP500K in their 40s will be able to accumulate by the time they retire.'

Btw - the figures don't make much sense to me! I am not agreeing with this, he just sent me even more messages! Ok thanks dad for letting me know I can never retire!

OP posts:
UserStillatLarge · 10/08/2021 15:46

Don't talk about money with him. Keep conversations bland. Plan neutral topics in advance (the weather, the garden and how many cases of Covid there are etc)
My parents are exactly like your dad - if I earned £10M (I don't lol) they would tell me about someone they knew who earnt £15M (they even told DS who was exciting at losing his first tooth that he was very late to do so and all his cousins had lost theirs at a much earlier age). You just want them occasionally to say "well done" or "we're proud of you" but that seems not to be phrases in their vocabulary.

It sounds like you are happy with your life so focus on that.

Hoppinggreen · 10/08/2021 15:47

I think he has no idea what he is on about and you should ignore him
Sounds like you are doing well so be happy about that even if he isn’t

onlychildhamster · 10/08/2021 15:47

@UserStillatLarge I didn't want to talk about money, he reads BBC and knows about all the government schemes to help people with financial difficulties due to covid. He asked me if I took a mortgage holiday. But yes thanks for the advice :)

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onlychildhamster · 10/08/2021 15:50

@UserStillatLarge I tried the garden, they just sent me pics of their overgrown garden cos there weren't any gardeners around due to covid lockdown (most gardeners in my country are foreign workers). I asked if they were gardening, they said they had better things to do with their time. A bit of a conversation stopper

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suspiria777 · 10/08/2021 15:50

AIBU to feel really sad when he talks this way. If I am honest, it makes me feel like crying.

Sorry, but what are you crying about? That your dad thinks you're poor and bad with money, or that your dad is avaricious, overly focussed on money and doesn't seem to have a particularly good grasp of economics?

CSIblonde · 10/08/2021 15:52

So he's no financial expert & is spouting stuff off a website. He would nds pompous & boring . I would change re subject when it comes to money. It's none of his business . You are doing well to afford a 2 bed in London!!

onlychildhamster · 10/08/2021 15:53

@suspiria777 that my dad thinks I am a total failure. It's not that he thinks I am bad at money, he thinks that I am poverty stricken!

OP posts:
CSIblonde · 10/08/2021 15:53
  • sounds ( fat fingers)
Bagelsandbrie · 10/08/2021 15:55

You have a home in London worth £400k. Lots of people could only dream of that.

Your dad is an absolute idiot. He has no idea of the real world.

Pemba · 10/08/2021 15:56

Your dad sounds quite strange and obviously some of what he is saying is nonsense. How can 50% of graduates have a starting salary of over £100,000, 5 years from now, or whatever? The figures just don't add up.

Of course you are not a 'failure' the property you have already at 28 is worth more than what the average Brit can dream of. Anyway most people don't go to university purely to get wealthy, they want to support themselves comfortably whilst doing a worthwhile job they hopefully enjoy. And what about education for it's own sake?

Your dad sounds very insecure, all his status and sense of self worth is bound up in money. It's quite sad really. Can't you just avoid these types of conversations with him, or if not possible, just avoid talking to him if he makes you miserable? Is there anything valuable (not financially!) that you get out of the relationship with him?

Bakedbeanhead · 10/08/2021 15:59

Oh god your dad sounds like a right boring prat. Agree with the posters above, just keep conversations on neutral topics, weather etc.
Don’t let him rain on your parade
You sound like you are doing really well xx

onlychildhamster · 10/08/2021 16:01

@Pemba my parents have not supported me since I left university. They paid for my university fees. After university, I got a job in my home country (training contract at a small law firm), was staying at home and doing a long distance relationship with my DH while he was doing his master's in Germany. It was unbearable living at home, he was like this 24/7. I quit my job, moved to Germany to get married. I was only 22. We stayed there a year and I moved back to london I. 2016. Stayed with DH's mum for 3 years, worked and saved like crazy. Bought flat in 2019. Since 2015, I have only been back home a couple of times. Most of our conversations sound like this. I try to talk about nicer things like my life in London, food, current events, but it always go back to this. Sigh.

OP posts:
TedMullins · 10/08/2021 16:04

your dad is talking such utter bollocks it’s hilarious. Graduate salaries are nowhere near £100k and definitely won’t be in the next 50 years. If you check the calculator on the institute for fiscal studies’ website you’ll find that if you earn 45k you’re earning more than 84% of the population. Maybe if your dad’s so into numbers tell him to go on the website and put in some “poverty” wages for himself

TedMullins · 10/08/2021 16:08

It’s very interesting! ifs.org.uk/tools_and_resources/where_do_you_fit_in

HeyletsgoTotoro · 10/08/2021 16:10

Reading the various screeds he has sent I have only one response
'thats numberwang'

Think it to yourself and deflect onto other topics, and enjoy the success and progress you have in your life without courting his approval
ClemDanFango · 10/08/2021 16:11

You’re an adult it’s time to stop looking for your dads approval and allowing him to hurt your feelings like this. Who gives a fuck what he thinks?! You certainly shouldn’t!

Aprilx · 10/08/2021 16:12

[quote onlychildhamster]@suspiria777 that my dad thinks I am a total failure. It's not that he thinks I am bad at money, he thinks that I am poverty stricken![/quote]
I’m sorry but I also didn’t rally understand why this would make you feel sad or cry. And even with your explanation, I am not even reading it as though he sees you as a failure. To be honest, I wouldn’t even take much notice, would nod and smile.

namechange30455 · 10/08/2021 16:17

It sounds like you have a professional career, and are very much financially secure (flat, overpayment of mortgage etc).

Have you tried explicitly telling him that you don't want to talk about money? E.g. "I find your views on this quite extreme and I don't necessarily agree with them - I think it's best we avoid talking about money"

onlychildhamster · 10/08/2021 16:21

@namechange30455 I tried before. He didn't listen..in fact he decided to spend even more time 'educating me'. My mum sometimes gets quite mad at him cos she thinks he is the reason why she doesn't see me often. She tells him off but he doesn't listen either. My mum does have some of these views but she doesn't say them cos she knows it makes me feel bad.

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2bazookas · 10/08/2021 16:25

I suspect your Dad is mentally unwell.

Those are not credible financial projections for either new graduates or older people living in UK, and any financially-literate person would know that.

onlychildhamster · 10/08/2021 16:29

@2bazookas he isn't from the UK though! He has lived in America so it's not like he isn't worldly and English is his first language. So perfectly capable of looking up stats.

I don't really want to disclose my home country but it is quite wealthy, more on par with London than most parts of the UK. Cost of living is quite similar. It's a big city and quite unequal.

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Sundancerintherain · 10/08/2021 16:31

I would honestly cut him off. Tell him once that you no longer wish to discuss finances and the next time he sends a message like that you will block him. And stick to it.

onlychildhamster · 10/08/2021 16:31

@2bazookas also has a MBA from a UK university... So i don't know how he comes up with these numbers. I don't think it's from a website cos I have never seen any websites with such numbers ...

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grapewine · 10/08/2021 16:31

Nod and smile. You have more than many could even dream about.

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