Is my dad being unreasonable/hurtful

[onlychildhamster]

Looking for a handhold here. I am 28 years old and I was talking to my dad today about property prices in London and the UK (I own a 2 bed flat in London that I bought in 2019 and I was saying I am overpaying my mortgage every month). Note I own the 400k property he is talking about.

This is what he said. I have copy and pasted his exact words, and removed the name of our home country/childhood home names for privacy reasons. These are his exact words, this isn't a troll or a stealth boast. I would say that my parents are wealthy but definitely not ultra high net worth individuals or celebrities or anything in that category.

'anyway all these $$$ is very very insignificant. GBP400K property even if it should appreciate to GBP800K is really not worth bothering about. In the bigger scheme of things the next 30 years, being able to earn GBP10m is what the top 30% of magic circle graduates will be able to achieve esp with this rise in inflation.

the fresh graduates salary will be above GBP100K and most will hit GBP500K after 10 - 15 years. alas for the bottom 50%, it will be tough.property in prime location will be above GBP5m. like what is happening in insert home country now.in 1988, 'parents' first property' cost $550K, 7 years later, sold for $1.7m, today it should be worth $3.5m. what this does not make the owner of a terrace house rich unless he migrate and retire in 'neighbouring country'.property price rise is not the means to secure retirement.being able to secure a professional career with credible wages is the way to growing one's wealth.'

AIBU to feel really sad when he talks this way. If I am honest, it makes me feel like crying. Needless to say DH and I don't earn that kind of cash, we don't have the best jobs though we did go to good universities. We do earn enough for a comfortable life though we probably do need to earn more if we want to upgrade to a 3 bed flat (my next financial goal) or provide well for our future child. I am fine with that, I know it's important to be financially secure. I just feel like a failure when he talks like that, I usually stop responding and often go NC for long periods of time. If I am totally honest, though I miss my home country, I don't often go back more than once a year because it means conversations like this 24/7. When DH and I do go back, we prefer to pay for a hotel just to avoid conversations like this. DH is a native Londoner btw and he isn't really used to this kind of family dynamic. Tbh my dad has always been like this but I think I was accustomed to it when I was younger but since I moved abroad for university and got married, my tolerance level is probably much lower than it used to be.

AIBU for thinking that what my dad says is very hurtful? How should I deal with it? Thanks all. Maybe he thinks it's encouragement but it doesn't feel that way!

Oh honestly your dad is talking nonsense. And I say that as a magic circle lawyer. I qualified quite a few years ago when NQ salaries were a lot less, but still very, very good. They pay so much because they basically buy your soul. Fine for some, not for others. But if you do it it puts you in the top 1% of people in that age in the country. I stayed for quite a few years and left, I work in-house now and still earn in the top 1% of the country, and nowhere near the numbers your dad is throwing around. He’s talking rubbish.

You aren’t about to be a NQ lawyer at a magic circle law firm, so the info he is sending you is completely irrelevant. You don’t want to work the hours your mum did, which is completely justifiable. You already have a flat in London, which most people can only dream of (especially at your age). You know what you want and you are doing great.

Find your self-worth in yourself, not from your dad. Because he’s clearly a money obsessed idiot. Roll your eyes, nod your head and get on with your life.

“Have you got that 500k job yet?” - “no dad, you know that’s not what I want to do with my life.”
“You will never have enough money” - “we’ve seen a financial advisor and are happy with our future plans” (even if that’s not true)

What he thinks is irrelevant - you don’t want to be like him, so why do you care?

being able to earn GBP10m is what the top 30% of magic circle graduates will be able to achieve esp with this rise in inflation.

What a load of bollocks!!! Is he a 'magic circle' graduate? Earning that kind of money is way way out of most people's reach, and he's being a dick. Doesn't sound like he has a clue what he's on about either.

I'd focus on building belief in yourself, op, and surround yourself with lovely friends to make up for your avaricious dad.

He’s obsessed with money, talking nonsense and making you unhappy. You’re doing well in your career and have sensible future plans. He’s not going to stop this verbal diarrhoea of financial blathering every time he sees or contacts you, so you have two reasonable choices. Let it wash over you, let him spout off and don’t respond. Or just don’t see him, and delete his texts and emails unread.
You deserve better than to let him make you miserable.

I think you need to stop over thinking all the details tbh because it's his intentions that are bothering you. You're a grown up so try to think about your own values and ambitions and not about his approval. If you think his intentions are that he wants to make sure you make good financial decisions so that you have security then say 'thanks for the advice dad'. If you think he is trying to make you feel bad about yourself then just nod and smile. Try not to take it all personally. He isn't God despite what he make think of himself.

As pp have said, I think you either don’t respond to messages like this and you end any conversations that go there (and you let him know you’ll do that every time he starts on his hot topic) - or you bat it back with ‘ha ha, no dad, I’m thinking of jacking it all in and living in a tree from now on - Capitalism’s so over....’ The sheer obsession in sticking to one topic is wearing but it sounds as though your childhood was overshadowed by the need to earn megabucks. You must have been very bored and lonely as a child as well as feeling your needs came second to earning money. I think you need to put your needs first now and set boundaries. You are under no obligation to justify what you do for a living or what you earn. You could calmly state that you won’t respond to any further messages on the subject of money and earning potential. You’d like to talk to your dad about all sorts of things but if he won’t respect your wishes, you won’t be talking.

Your DF is a pompous prat of the highest order.

Couple of ways to deal with them -

when he starts up, ask to speak to your Mum

put the phone down and wander away for a few minutes

tell him he's talking out of his backside and ask to speak to your Mum

Total balls. I oversee graduate destinations survey returns as part of my job. Grad salaries are nowhere near that, and won't be in 5 years time. He doesn't sound a very nice person either. I'm sorry. We all want our parents to feel proud of us, so that must hurt. But it's his judgement that's off, not yours. Be proud of yourself - you have a home and a career. That's a huge achievement by 28!

At 28 you have a London flat worth £400k. Don't apologise for relative poverty because that's amazing. Yes of course some people will be earning crazily high salaries, but they probably envy the football players or billionaires. It sounds horribly difficult but don't let his criticism grind you down. Good luck OP

[quote onlychildhamster]@Chloemol I think that it was because I once said that unlike in my home country, londoners who own property have the option to move to other parts of the country which can be very helpful to supplement one's pension. That was in response to him saying i need to be a millionaire to retire.[/quote]
You have to stop telling him things. Don’t tell him your financial details and if he asks, be really vague. Say “hmm, yeah” when he starts up.

OP, I really think you need to liberate yourself from what your father thinks on this issue. To a sane, normal person his views sound ridiculous. I imagine something in his life has happened to make him focus on money above all else. It is quite sad. Whether his figures are right or wrong (and to be honest it all sounds like mumbo jumbo to me) I would try to disengage and do not base your worth on his expectations. I hope you can find peace with this.

I think you could benefit from the stately homes thread here-you ,like millions of other adult children, are caught in the fog-fear,obligation and guilt. You come from a dysfunctional family with unhealthy relationships.

[quote onlychildhamster]@Sundancerintherain what about when he sends me a message asking if I have gotten a new job with a 'big company'. Or what certificates am I getting to secure that 500k salary?????[/quote]
You tell him that you would be doing this but sadly you are having to put so much money and energy into the therapy you need to deal with your father's damaging remarks!

I'd ignore the advice above about keeping conversations bland or not focussed on money.
Your father sounds like a prat - he puts you down, lowers your self esteem and upsets you. Go NC FFS.

He honestly doesn’t know what he’s talking about - I totally understand why this felt hurtful but honestly he just sounds like a man trying to sound relevant and informed about something he doesn’t really understand.

If you can, try to avoid talking about anything to do with money with him.

He sounds either mentally unwell or an utter gobshite.

What a dose to be listening to him twittering on.

Stay away from him.