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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do any other husbands do any of this and AIBU?

77 replies

mintlime · 09/08/2021 14:47

These are some things my husband does which annoy me -

  • If I am telling him something that has happened, he says, “Darling, could you skip to the point of this story” - (ie. he wants the conclusion of the story in bullet points).
  • Sometimes when I’m talking he holds his palm up to me as if to say “stop” or “pause.” Then he asks a question which is too pre-emptive or kind of missing the point.
  • If I am on the phone he will think nothing of interrupting the call with whatever he needs to tell me at that moment.

By the way, I am not a waffler. I would never interrupt him in the phone (heaven forbid - he is a workaholic and on the phone constantly). Also, when he is talking to me, I only have to so much as glance away and he says I’m not listening and gets annoyed!

Basically this is getting in my nerves because I experience this aspect of him as very dogmatic. I have tried to tell him that sometimes the point if a story is not what happens in the end, but how it happens. I’m not sure he gets this. AIBU and what would you say?

OP posts:
hellcatspangle · 09/08/2021 14:48

Your husband sounds rude and disrespectful.

SnarkyBag · 09/08/2021 14:49

I would tell to stop being such a rude prick

Fromage · 09/08/2021 14:50

I would say he was an imperious little twit and that I was his wife,not an underling.

HirplesWithHaggis · 09/08/2021 14:51

If my DH were to try any of that, I'd sit him down and tell him he was being incredibly rude.

But he wouldn't.

Iamblossom · 09/08/2021 14:52

The subtext of that behaviour is that he does not consider you or what you say important. It is dismissive, disrespectful, patronising and condescending.

FatCatThinCat · 09/08/2021 14:52

My husband does the hand thing and everytime he does it he's met with absolute total rage from me. Then he doesn't do it again until memories of that rage beging to fade.

I'm guilty of doing the first one because he likes to 'set the scene' for whatever he's going to say and it does my nut in. Get to the bloody point!

Neither of us would interrupt a phone call unless an emergency.

Winederlust · 09/08/2021 14:52

Yep, he's just rude.

SheWoreYellow · 09/08/2021 14:53

I sometimes want to do the first. I struggle to take on too much information verbally. So after a certain point there he’s just wasting his breath.
Is there something similar with your DH? Or sensory overload? I struggle to listen if there is other stuff going on.

Or maybe he just thinks he’s more important than you.

SheABitSpicyToday · 09/08/2021 14:53

I do the first point to my husband. My god he goes on. I times him telling me how he broke his phone once. 14 minutes!!! He sat on it….

Iamblossom · 09/08/2021 14:53

sorry I did not answer the question - my husband is faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar from perfect in many ways but no he does not do these things and if he did I would say he was being all the things I said in my post above.

Wearywithteens · 09/08/2021 14:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Lentil63 · 09/08/2021 14:55

Good communication is the keystone to a successful relationship. Also you don’t feel heard and furthermore you don’t feel valued. Yes I have that T shirt.
Sit him down, tell him how much you love him and how important your relationship is to you, ask if there is anything you could do (or stop doing) to improve and build your relationship and then tell him kindly and without anger how you feel. When such and such happens I feel…..
Good luck!

gogohm · 09/08/2021 14:55

My exh did, ex for a reason

EvieF · 09/08/2021 14:56

Everything you have just described here reminds me of my 11 year old ds who is autistic. He doesn’t see the point of waffling and gets frustrated as he just wants to know the end point or conclusion. When I’m taking on the phone he won’t interrupt straight away instead he’ll wait but looks anxious and will eventually interrupt usually putting his hand up. I’m not saying your dh is autistic but most adults without any “issues” wouldn’t behave in this way.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 09/08/2021 14:56

He's a twat.

billy1966 · 09/08/2021 14:57

Your husband sounds like a really ignorant pig.

He needs telling firmly.

Why are you accepting this.

It is not normal behaviour.

It is unbelievably rude and uncouth.
Flowers

Original poster
mintlime · 09/08/2021 14:58

Yes he can be imperious and I feel like it undermines me.

He would never do it in public. Also, he’s not rude to me at all in the wider sense. I would say he’s very polite and respectful in all other ways. People actually comment on this - “oh your husband is such an gent” etc. But it’s hard to describe. It feels like being shut down.

OP posts:
Mooloolabababy · 09/08/2021 14:58

Wow, he's a rude prick op. He clearly sees himself as more important that you.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 09/08/2021 15:04

When he interrupts, wait till he's said 'skip to the end' and then carry on without altering what you were saying.

Hold your own palm up and say 'I'm not finished' for any other interruption, then continue.

For the phone interruptions, say 'I'M ON THE PHONE' loudly and then walk away so he can't just keep talking at you.

He is being rude, and you can tell him that outside of the moment. But it's even more effective to block the behaviour when it happens and to do so in a way that avoids 'giving in' to the interruption.

Original poster
mintlime · 09/08/2021 15:05

I think I’ve put up with it because he’s usually very busy so I just put it down to him having a lack of mental capacity. I don’t believe he’s autistic, to the pp who asked. I don’t know, it just does my head in sometimes and it is today.

I have tried telling him how it makes me feel. I have to wait until he’s in a receptive mood or it’s no good. But when he’s receptive, he says he understands, etc etc. But then, I notice he just kind of slips back into it.

OP posts:
Everydayimhuffling · 09/08/2021 15:06

No, he doesn't. If he did anything more than occasionally ask me to get to the point please with a story would be quite pissed off.

"No, darling, I can't."
"It's rude to interrupt people."
"Do you not see that I'm on the phone?"

HollowTalk · 09/08/2021 15:08

Do you have children together? If not, I know what I'd do.

candycane222 · 09/08/2021 15:10

ugh - even from a teacher to a pupil this behaviour could sometimes be rude and inappropriate (and only acceptable really if the student was wasting other people's time and 'hogging the floor').

from a husband - wow, really arrogant, inappropriate and unpleasant. The holding the hand up is particularly arrogant. What a cock.

Do you have dcs? do they witness this. They will either learn that men have a right to interrupt and talk over women because men are more important. Or they will laugh at him and mimic him (which I secretly want them to do).

I mean, even if he was autistic, I was not aware that autism made people arrogant (in fact, I am sure it doesn't)

Original poster
mintlime · 09/08/2021 15:11

Yes we have quite a few children together.

OP posts:
Skiptheheartsandflowers · 09/08/2021 15:11

I have tried telling him how it makes me feel. I have to wait until he’s in a receptive mood or it’s no good. But when he’s receptive, he says he understands, etc etc. But then, I notice he just kind of slips back into it.

This is why you need strategies for dealing with it as it happens, so to speak, as I said above. You will have to be persistent and calm but it can work.