Do any other husbands do any of this and AIBU?

[mintlime]

These are some things my husband does which annoy me -

• If I am telling him something that has happened, he says, “Darling, could you skip to the point of this story” - (ie. he wants the conclusion of the story in bullet points).

• Sometimes when I’m talking he holds his palm up to me as if to say “stop” or “pause.” Then he asks a question which is too pre-emptive or kind of missing the point.

• If I am on the phone he will think nothing of interrupting the call with whatever he needs to tell me at that moment.

By the way, I am not a waffler. I would never interrupt him in the phone (heaven forbid - he is a workaholic and on the phone constantly). Also, when he is talking to me, I only have to so much as glance away and he says I’m not listening and gets annoyed!

Basically this is getting in my nerves because I experience this aspect of him as very dogmatic. I have tried to tell him that sometimes the point if a story is not what happens in the end, but how it happens. I’m not sure he gets this. AIBU and what would you say?

I do ask my OH to get to the point quite a lot. Just tell me the story from A-B (if there is a slight divergence from A to A2 then B to B1, that's fine, but let's not go through the alphabet).

For context, yes, I am autistic, but I'm sure there are also lots of neurotypical people who find lengthy stories a bit tiresome, too.

Interrupting people on the phone is rude, though, unless the house is on fire or somebody's bleeding from an artery.

If I am telling him something that has happened, he says, “Darling, could you skip to the point of this story” - (ie. he wants the conclusion of the story in bullet points)

Ok, so your story telling annoys him and he’s telling you that in what I think is a polite way. So you are mutually annoying each other. My DH is the story teller in my relationship and often I will just smile and nod and let him ramble on and on, but sometimes, I do say...skip ahead please.... Now he is aware he has this tendency and I’m aware saying skip ahead annoys him so we both try and meet in the middle on this.

Sometimes when I’m talking he holds his palm up to me as if to say “stop” or “pause.” Then he asks a question which is too pre-emptive or kind of missing the point.

No, my DH doesn’t do this nor do I. Reminds me of a child in class popping their hand up to ask teacher a question. The fact his questions miss the point means he is a true least invested in trying to understand you and realises he’s lost.....

If I am on the phone he will think nothing of interrupting the call with whatever he needs to tell me at that moment.

No, we don’t do this either of us unless truly urgent. This is rude behaviour on his part. I’d tackle this as a priority.

I wonder if by any chance you are having therapy because of the impact of his general twattishness on your mental health?

The asking you to skip ahead is not so bad but it does show he’s not happy to sit there a bit bored for the sake of being kind to you.

The other two would upset me. But I would react to them so he’s know not to do it again. What do you do when he directly you like traffic or butts in when you’re on the phone?

What a cock

Nice one @candycane222, admirably succinct, & spot-on.

OP - add this to your internal monologue, & think it at him next time he pulls his imperious act. It will show in your face - remember about the small adjustments to your demeanour & body language?

@TempName01

When he says skip to the end, you could say something like ‘and she couldn’t sit down for a week!’ or ‘and now he has to have it amputated!’

Just walk off and leave him wondering 😄

Oh PLEASE try this OP!
(If you could get eldest DS onside with it too, you could not only have a riot, but create a family in-joke that actually becomes effective.)

He's treating you like a subordinate employee rather than a wife. Next time he tries it, tell him so.

Stop telling him anything until he starts to behave. He's being childish with you because he can. I bet he does this with people at work but not to such a great extent.
I would stop communicating completely. See how he copes with that !

Don't do this OP. Passive aggression never solves unpleasant situations.

The only way the ignoring thing would work for you is if you do it as PP have cleverly suggested - when he does his "get to the point" schtick, you walk away.
That way, you are responding "in the moment" & he will make the connection.

Thatd so rude. Is he like this with everyone or just you? If he is like this with everyone then he is socially incompetent. If it's just you then he thinks he is much more important than you and cba being respectful and listening

I stopped reading when you said he held his hand up to make you stop talking. That is so rude and disrespectful. What an arsehole.

Surely the very first response is if he interrupts one of your calls, to hold your hand up in the same way!

He is being very rude, important and so not treating you as an equal with this behaviour.

Suggest repeating back his behaviour/actions (not in temper but calmly):
When he is telling you some story just say 'Darling what is the point/conclusion of the story'
Start holding your hand up to stop conversation - even better when he can't find or is asking you something and say 'Darling total overload, not now dealing with? (insert whatever you wish, children, dinner, garden, make up, etc.)
When interrupted on the phone do the same palm forward signal and continue to talk.
Its hopefully unintentional but it is undermining - you do need to take your own control back.
When queried calmly reply 'Darling that's what you do' and continue on with whatever your doing.

Is he a teacher?!

My exh started to do this sort of thing as he began to be more senior at work. Note exh. Because that was really the beginning of the end. I wasn't wiling to treat him like the Charlie big potatoes he was becoming at work and he didn't like it...and things for worse from there...

Well I an a waffler and my husband manages not to do the very rude, patroning things that your husband does.

Interrupting on the phone is v rude.

Asking you to get to the point or interrupting / stopping you to ask a Q - much depends on how long you’ve been talking for IMO! You’ve said you’re ‘not a waffler’, assuming that’s right and there’s no specific context, eg 11pm after a hard day’s work, then he’s being rude!

Rude

@candycane222

I wonder if by any chance you are having therapy because of the impact of his general twattishness on your mental health?

This.

He sounds very controlling.

Any time I hear a woman skirt around the issue of mentioning something to their partner because of the reaction they will get, I know their is abuse of some sort.

It is NOT normal nor healthy to be afraid to raise an issue.

It IS a sign of an abusive relationship.

Will he get angry/sulk/shout/verbally attack you?

Do you walk on eggshells around him and his big important job?

These are all abusive behaviours that prevent women who live with them from speaking freely.

He sounds truly awful.

Your children are aware of it and are even challenging him on it.

Have you ANY idea how damaging that is for them.

Being honest with yourself is the first step in moving forward.

Keep posting.

your children are learning that being rude, entitled and condescending to other people is acceptable behaviour which goes unchallenged.
I bet his colleagues don't tolerate him.

@Fromage

I would say he was an imperious little twit and that I was his wife,not an underling.

That’s fabulous!

I would probably say 'forget it', walk away and not talk to him for a bit but probably not helpful.

I love TempName's idea

DH and I had to work on our communication styles when we first got together. Even now, one of us may get it a bit wrong and annoy the other. The difference with what you describe, OP, is that we do it with apologies, and humour and, well, with respect.

Your husband is being dismissive and peremptory in a way that is hurtful and actually, really not appropriate in any intimate relationship.

I would probably respond to him with a hammy display of cringing deference- bowing, wringing hands and saying "Yes, my liege" and "A thousand apologies, my Lord". Do you think he would understand what you were getting at, if you did that, or would the point sail over his head?

Thankyou for all this. Sometimes I think I’m going mad. I wouldn’t say he’s controlling overall, but there are elements there, definitely. He’s not a teacher. I shouldn’t really say what he does but he employs a lot of people and has done for many years. I don’t know what they think really. I realise you need to be quite direct in his role, but I do think most people manage to adapt to the situation at hand. I genuinely don’t think my children are rude. Sorry to not respond to everyone, but I’m just out and about at the moment. I will do later.

If you'd stopped noticing this controlling behaviour because it had become your normal, could there not be other things that have been normalised too?

Either way there's no amount of abuse that is acceptable in a relationship, and that's what controlling behaviour is.

If your children have grown up with this as normal, I wouldn't be surprised if their only basis for challenging it is due to seeing how it affects you and being upset by that, rather than because they have the perspective to understand it's not ok regardless.