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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do any other husbands do any of this and AIBU?

77 replies

mintlime · 09/08/2021 14:47

These are some things my husband does which annoy me -

  • If I am telling him something that has happened, he says, “Darling, could you skip to the point of this story” - (ie. he wants the conclusion of the story in bullet points).
  • Sometimes when I’m talking he holds his palm up to me as if to say “stop” or “pause.” Then he asks a question which is too pre-emptive or kind of missing the point.
  • If I am on the phone he will think nothing of interrupting the call with whatever he needs to tell me at that moment.

By the way, I am not a waffler. I would never interrupt him in the phone (heaven forbid - he is a workaholic and on the phone constantly). Also, when he is talking to me, I only have to so much as glance away and he says I’m not listening and gets annoyed!

Basically this is getting in my nerves because I experience this aspect of him as very dogmatic. I have tried to tell him that sometimes the point if a story is not what happens in the end, but how it happens. I’m not sure he gets this. AIBU and what would you say?

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 09/08/2021 15:15

God how rude.

In the first two, when he is trying to dictate how you talk, I would just stop talking and walk away. Every time he does it. It’s totally unacceptable.

On the interrupting you when you’re on the phone - I’d play back at him his ‘holding up his hand as if to say stop’ thing.

He feels his time and words are more important than yours. It’s time to set him straight.

Oogachuckachopsy · 09/08/2021 15:17

He’s arrogant, rude and seems to think you’re an unimportant little woman.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 09/08/2021 15:17

It's fucking rude. Arrogant tit.

LowlytheWorm · 09/08/2021 15:17

I think in the first two instances I’d just stop and walk away. If he doesn’t listen and won’t change then you need to change what you do in response as what you’re doing doesn’t work.
On the phone I would say “I’m terribly sorry can you hold the line for a second” then say “stop talking to me I am on the phone” and if it continues just walk away and shut the door on him.

DifferentHair · 09/08/2021 15:25

What Dickish behaviour.

I think you need to pull him up on it in the moment, and don't be polite about about.

Watch Kamala Harris in the debate with Mike Pence

MP: *interrupts
KH: excuse me, I'm speaking
MP: *keeps talking
KH: I'm speaking. I'm speaking.

Don't allow the moment to pass. Make it uncomfortable.

Holding up his hand is so dismissive and unacceptable.

And the phone thing, Id point to the phone at my ear and I'd say loudly to the other person 'sorry I'm just going into another room so I can hear you clearly.' And walk off.

What an absolute bin lid.

DifferentHair · 09/08/2021 15:27

Also - do this in front of your children.

Don't let this behaviour go unchecked in front of them for the sake of keeping the peace.

It's not ok. They need to know that.

Pull him up every single time and make it awkward on purpose. It should be uncomfortable because he's created a disrespectful situation and the only way out is to call it out.

dreamingbohemian · 09/08/2021 15:28

Does he do it to you in front of your children?

huuskymam · 09/08/2021 15:28

He's very rude and condiscending. I wouldn't put up with that.

diamondpony80 · 09/08/2021 15:30

Patronizing and rude. No way I could stick a guy who talks down to me with so much disrespect.

Has he always been like this? I'm just wondering how you got to the point of having more than one child with him.

roastednut · 09/08/2021 15:33

Honestly I read your post and thought this could be me and my DH. Reading replies with interest.

user16395699 · 09/08/2021 15:34

I have to wait until he’s in a receptive mood or it’s no good.

What does this mean?

What happens if you respond in the moment as pp have suggested?

Hadjab · 09/08/2021 15:34

I do the palm thing a lot with my family and friends, not because I’m being rude, but as a visual cue that what they have said is so shocking that I just have to interject, but I don’t actually say anything until they have acknowledged said cue.

Hadjab · 09/08/2021 15:35

That said, your DH does sound patronising.

sleepylittlebunnies · 09/08/2021 15:37

Well, he’s obviously a very important person and his time is precious Hmm. Sounds like he’s never been taught or never learnt the art of conversation, however if he manages not to do these things in public then he must have some awareness, so it’s just plain rude.

My teenage son is autistic and has tried interrupting phone calls, I just put my hand up or point to the phone. If he’s insistent then he gets a pen and paper and writes what he wants to say, it can usually have waited and I will tell him that when the phone call ends.

Susannahmoody · 09/08/2021 15:40

I think I’ve put up with it because he’s usually very busy so I just put it down to him having a lack of mental capacity.

^^°
It he's just a pillock?

mintlime · 09/08/2021 15:40

He has been known to do it in front of the children. My eldest DS has picked him up on this. As have I, on occasions. It’s hard to explain. I suppose I’ve got used to it, in some ways. But he silenced me earlier and it felt very patronising, which is why is posted. Then the next minute, he’s all super-cheerful and “let’s go out tonight.”

OP posts:
Susannahmoody · 09/08/2021 15:41

*Or he's just a pillock

beastlyslumber · 09/08/2021 15:44

That's infuriating. He's rude.

Have you tried just walking away? Every time he tells you to skip to the end or holds his hand up, just say, that is rude, and then walk away from him. I don't know if this will work - it sounds like he doesn't respect you or care that you feel disrespected by him. Honestly, he sounds like a knob. But maybe worth trying something like this, like a behaviour modification programme? You really shouldn't have to try things like that with your partner... Sorry, OP.

mintlime · 09/08/2021 15:46

It’s hard to challenge him in the moment and I can’t really put into words why that is. He has a vibe about him which is not scary or anything like that, but more like its not worth pushing back. Having said that, I am increasingly because I had some therapy and started noticing it, rather than just accepting it as “one of those things.”

OP posts:
5475878237NC · 09/08/2021 15:51

PP 14 minutes to say he sat on the phone! What a talker!

tara66 · 09/08/2021 15:55

he's controlling.

ChargingBuck · 09/08/2021 15:59

YANBU. He's a disrespectful twat & quite probably one of the depressingly large army of men who believe that anything a woman has to say is less valid than things a man might say.

As it's persistent, I think you need to 'show & tell' on each occasion, rather than try to reason with him outside of when he's doing it.

- If I am telling him something that has happened, he says, “Darling, could you skip to the point of this story”

"Darling, could you skip past talking to me like you're my headmaster? It's rude & unappealing. Thank you" (& resume your telling)

- Sometimes when I’m talking he holds his palm up to me as if to say “stop” or “pause.” Then he asks a question which is too pre-emptive or kind of missing the point.

When he holds his hand up, stop talking.
As soon as he starts talking, hold your own hand up. Start talking immediately - even if that means talking over him.
"You've just done that rude & dismissive hand gesture at me again darling. Now you know what it feels like, do you think you could remember to stop being so rude? Thank you."

- If I am on the phone he will think nothing of interrupting the call with whatever he needs to tell me at that moment.

If you respond, you are teaching him this is acceptable.
The ONLY response you should allow yourself is (stop hand gesture if you wish, too ;) )
"Excuse me for one moment, person-on-the-phone -
Darling, as you can see, I AM BUSY ON THE PHONE. That means I am unable to deal with interruptions. I will talk to you when I am free. Thank you."
& TURN YOUR FACE AWAY before resuming your phone call.

You need to get your arrogant git trained up, Mintlime, & these techniques should do it.
I'm betting he wouldn't behave like this to a man ...

TempName01 · 09/08/2021 15:59

When he says skip to the end, you could say something like ‘and she couldn’t sit down for a week!’ or ‘and now he has to have it amputated!’

Just walk off and leave him wondering 😄

Anordinarymum · 09/08/2021 16:00

@mintlime

Yes he can be imperious and I feel like it undermines me.

He would never do it in public. Also, he’s not rude to me at all in the wider sense. I would say he’s very polite and respectful in all other ways. People actually comment on this - “oh your husband is such an gent” etc. But it’s hard to describe. It feels like being shut down.

Stop telling him anything until he starts to behave. He's being childish with you because he can. I bet he does this with people at work but not to such a great extent. I would stop communicating completely. See how he copes with that !
ChargingBuck · 09/08/2021 16:01

When I’m taking on the phone he won’t interrupt straight away instead he’ll wait but looks anxious and will eventually interrupt usually putting his hand up.

Aaaaaw @EvieF. I've just developed a soft spot for your dear son ... :)

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