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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Favouritism shown by grandparent - Would this piss you off?

59 replies

olldbones · 08/08/2021 23:02

My sister and her partner moved back in with my parents 3 years ago when she had a baby to get out of renting and save for her own home. My Mum went to all the baby scans and has lived with them all up until recently when they moved out. My mum adores my sisters son, always buying him things and talking about how's he's her lovely little man. She raves about him to anyone that will listen.

I had my own daughter last year. She is nearly 1 and my mum doesn't give her the time of day. When she was tiny, she used to portray that holding her was a chore and would quickly pass her over to anyone else around. She only seems to make comments which sort of come across as digs as she says them in such a way. Examples are "god, she's just all for grandad isn't she" and "all I see is her dad and his family in her... None of us and its a shame " If we have a family get together she will always say love you to my nephew as they leave but never tells my daughter that she loves her.

It makes my blood boil. I understand that she's naturally going to be close to my nephew as she lived with him for so long but I feel she could at least attempt to try and hide her obvious favouritism. It obviously upsets me more than my baby at this point because she has no idea what's going on but if this continues, it will eventually get clocked.

AIBU to be pissed? Tonight when we all left after a family get together I made a point of only kissing my Dad goodbye to try and let her know how it feels. I know that's petty and I do deeply regret acting like that but her attitude is so upsetting when my baby hasn't done anything wrong Sad

OP posts:
SilverOtter · 08/08/2021 23:05

I don't think you're being unreasonable, I'd feel pretty hurt by this too. Have you tried talking to your mum about it?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 08/08/2021 23:08

I think you should talk to her about it and if she carries on then I would reduce contact further. You’re quite right, you’re DD will understand at some point and will be confused and hurt and that’s not fair

DroopyClematis · 08/08/2021 23:08

Yes, you need to discuss this with your mum.
She needs to know how her behaviour is affecting your family.

FlorenceNightshade · 08/08/2021 23:10

I could fill pages and pages with all the ways my DHs parents have shown how little they care for our children as opposed to other DGC. The only comfort I take is that our DC are older now and they can see that one set of DGPs are distant relatives and the other set close. I used to worry our kids would be upset but now I pity the GPs as they are the ones who are strangers and have missed out on so much.

But it was hard seeing obvious preferential treatment so if you feel up to it challenge her each and everytime, maybe she’ll change maybe she won’t.

DancingBabyGoat · 08/08/2021 23:11

She’s your mum, you should be able to talk to her about this. I’d definitely do it before your DD is old enough to notice.

Original poster
olldbones · 08/08/2021 23:17

We've brought it up a few times this year. One night, my dad actually drove my mum round to us and she explained that she was distant because on one occasion, she apparently tried to offer to look after my nephew one morning so they could sleep in and my sisters partner shut the door in her face.

I have no idea what relevance that has on why she treats my little girl like she does. I feel like I'm constantly challenging it but she never changes. She and now even my dad shrug it off saying that she just doesn't think.

OP posts:
Nannyamc · 08/08/2021 23:29

I have 3 grand children
always treat them equally. 1 is from a broken home and stays here at weekends. We always make sure they also visit each weekend. If i buy anything its x 3. Have savings for them x3. I could never treat them any differently.

GalaxyGirl24 · 08/08/2021 23:32

This would upset me and I do in smaller ways have a similar feeling about SIL and her baby.

Does your mum play favourites with you and your sister? Does your sister recognise how different the treatment is for your DD and her DS and try mitigate by having joint days together?

YADNBU!

BluebellsGreenbells · 08/08/2021 23:33

This happens a lot more than you’d think. Yes it’s awful.

No mine aren’t the favorites ones!

CMSdividend · 08/08/2021 23:41

Not at all. I have a DD and her half brother. DD has effectively been forgotten whilst half brother gets all the attention and gifts. I blame their dad also but my goodness those grandparents are proper wankers.

Whatinthelord · 08/08/2021 23:45

That’s really truly awful and you’re right to worry about who’s it will make your daughter feel when she is more aware.

Was your mum like this with you and your sibling/s when you were children .

Given you have tried to talk about it with her with no impact I would consider lowering contact with her if it were me in your shoes. Every time she makes a comment about your daughter it should be challenged. There is simply no need for the things she is saying.

Whatinthelord · 08/08/2021 23:47

Maybe you need to be very clear that if the comments don’t stop the contact between you and her will. That you will choose to safeguard your daughters feelings over having conversations fact with them.

Viviennemary · 08/08/2021 23:50

Shes a disgrace. If it wasn't for your Dad I dont think I would ever visit.

KhalliWhalli · 08/08/2021 23:52

She and now even my dad shrug it off saying that she just doesn't think.

Ah, that old chestnut. Why do people excuse appalling behaviour in the older generation this way?

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 08/08/2021 23:52

She knows exactly what shes doing and will be gettimg a kick out of it. Don't play her games.

Either confront her or back off, but do not engage with this nonsense.

Amima · 08/08/2021 23:55

My Gran treated me as her favourite and it created a lifelong rift between me and my jealous cousins. We’re in our 40s now and we have no contact. OP your mum needs to understand that she’s driving a wedge between her grandchildren and creating future problems for her favourite.

QueenBee52 · 09/08/2021 00:03

You are not imagining this.. it is real .. your Nephew is her favourite and she has been exposed for the favouritism..

I would not darken her door again.. nobody would treat my baby girl as an inconvenience EVER...

Close the door on her 🌸

RubyGoat · 09/08/2021 00:19

My mother is the same. Treats my sister & her young DCs as the favourites. Actively blames me for any issues in my life. (Illness, poverty, etc.) TBH I am bitter but there are specific reasons I can't go NC with them all, to do with the DCs welfare. But I don't really bother to make any effort to make contact with them at all, everything comes from my sister & mother. I send gifts at Christmas & birthdays to the DCs & we do see them occasionally if my mother & sister make the effort to sort it out, but that's it, it's not the DCs' fault.

I find it very upsetting but I've said to DH I won't cut them off in case any of the kids ever need someone to talk to who's not "in" the situation.

Original poster
olldbones · 09/08/2021 00:26

@GalaxyGirl24 I have no bad feelings towards my sister, she hasn't done anything wrong at all and does see what I see in terms of the clear favouritism.

My mum does favour my sister but that's only been the case since she moved back home to save.

OP posts:
LadyCatStark · 09/08/2021 00:31

YANBU, I still remember overhearing my grandma telling her friend that my brother was her favourite grandchild and I must have been under 9 when I heard it as it was before we moved abroad.

Tulips15 · 09/08/2021 00:33

I am the GC treated differently to my cousins.
I'm used to it and it doesn't bother me, Its so obvious that me and my siblings are not the favourite that it is a bit of a running joke with us.
Luckily for my DC (And my nieces and nephews) my parents treat all their GC equally.

You 100% need to tell your Mum, I would go far to tell her ' treat the same or you will see less of my Dd'

QueenBee52 · 09/08/2021 00:55

@LadyCatStark

YANBU, I still remember overhearing my grandma telling her friend that my brother was her favourite grandchild and I must have been under 9 when I heard it as it was before we moved abroad.

No kid should here this ... its so so bad... Im sorry you had to hear that 🙁

GeorgiaGirl52 · 09/08/2021 02:04

I have both a teenage GS and a GD - one from each of my two DDs.
My oldest DD has complained that I treat my GS differently ("better") than I do my GD, who is her child.
In my defense: DD2 left my GS with me to raise. I have been his de facto mother for fifteen years. I paid for everything - medical care, private education, food, clothing, activities. She "dropped in" at Christmas with gifts and spent a day.
I tried to have my GD visit regularly. I had her own bedroom decorated in my house. But her mother said she couldn't come and spend the night because I have a hypoallergenic dog or three. Also, when she did come to visit, her mother always sent a list of don'ts:
Don't let her watch Xxxx of tv, we don't allow it.
Don't let her read Harry Potter, we don't allow it.
Don't let her play computer games with her cousin. Not allowed.
Don't cook with her or let her eat any of the following 24 items that she is either allergic to, or we don't eat due to health reasons.
Don't take her shopping. We don't allow random gifts.
Don't let her sleep late or stay up late. She must keep to schedule.
She must practice piano one hour a day and do one hour of summer school worksheets daily.
Basically all I was allowed to do was coloring books and neighborhood walks. The one good time I remember us having was when I got tickets and took her and GS to local playhouse to see "Into The Woods" and bought her a program and a photo with a cast member. She still talks about that but I got a telling off from her mother because it was "too scary" for her to see. She was 12 years old!!
What I am trying to say is, maybe there are reasons why the children are treated differently.

QueenBee52 · 09/08/2021 02:07

@GeorgiaGirl52

I have both a teenage GS and a GD - one from each of my two DDs. My oldest DD has complained that I treat my GS differently ("better") than I do my GD, who is her child. In my defense: DD2 left my GS with me to raise. I have been his de facto mother for fifteen years. I paid for everything - medical care, private education, food, clothing, activities. She "dropped in" at Christmas with gifts and spent a day. I tried to have my GD visit regularly. I had her own bedroom decorated in my house. But her mother said she couldn't come and spend the night because I have a hypoallergenic dog or three. Also, when she did come to visit, her mother always sent a list of don'ts: Don't let her watch Xxxx of tv, we don't allow it. Don't let her read Harry Potter, we don't allow it. Don't let her play computer games with her cousin. Not allowed. Don't cook with her or let her eat any of the following 24 items that she is either allergic to, or we don't eat due to health reasons. Don't take her shopping. We don't allow random gifts. Don't let her sleep late or stay up late. She must keep to schedule. She must practice piano one hour a day and do one hour of summer school worksheets daily. Basically all I was allowed to do was coloring books and neighborhood walks. The one good time I remember us having was when I got tickets and took her and GS to local playhouse to see "Into The Woods" and bought her a program and a photo with a cast member. She still talks about that but I got a telling off from her mother because it was "too scary" for her to see. She was 12 years old!! What I am trying to say is, maybe there are reasons why the children are treated differently.

You're kidding... right ?

Did you even read OP's situation... which is nothing like your situation at all 🙁

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 09/08/2021 03:00

I had this happen with my MIL, but it was involving my 2 oldest sons (long before last son was born). She favored DS1 so much more then DS2 and it was obvious to everyone (sadly including DS2). I finally had enough and told DH he needed to talk to her about it. I also said until she could treat DS2 equally she would not be seeing either of them. At first she was quite hurt and denied it. Finally though I think she thought about it and realized she was treating them very different. She did start treating DS2 better. I do think looking back that she may not have completely realized just how different she treated them. Perhaps going low contact for a while may make her rethink the situation.

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