Favouritism shown by grandparent - Would this piss you off?

[olldbones]

My sister and her partner moved back in with my parents 3 years ago when she had a baby to get out of renting and save for her own home. My Mum went to all the baby scans and has lived with them all up until recently when they moved out. My mum adores my sisters son, always buying him things and talking about how's he's her lovely little man. She raves about him to anyone that will listen.

I had my own daughter last year. She is nearly 1 and my mum doesn't give her the time of day. When she was tiny, she used to portray that holding her was a chore and would quickly pass her over to anyone else around. She only seems to make comments which sort of come across as digs as she says them in such a way. Examples are "god, she's just all for grandad isn't she" and "all I see is her dad and his family in her... None of us and its a shame " If we have a family get together she will always say love you to my nephew as they leave but never tells my daughter that she loves her.

It makes my blood boil. I understand that she's naturally going to be close to my nephew as she lived with him for so long but I feel she could at least attempt to try and hide her obvious favouritism. It obviously upsets me more than my baby at this point because she has no idea what's going on but if this continues, it will eventually get clocked.

AIBU to be pissed? Tonight when we all left after a family get together I made a point of only kissing my Dad goodbye to try and let her know how it feels. I know that's petty and I do deeply regret acting like that but her attitude is so upsetting when my baby hasn't done anything wrong

@YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer

I had this happen with my MIL, but it was involving my 2 oldest sons (long before last son was born). She favored DS1 so much more then DS2 and it was obvious to everyone (sadly including DS2). I finally had enough and told DH he needed to talk to her about it. I also said until she could treat DS2 equally she would not be seeing either of them. At first she was quite hurt and denied it. Finally though I think she thought about it and realized she was treating them very different. She did start treating DS2 better. I do think looking back that she may not have completely realized just how different she treated them. Perhaps going low contact for a while may make her rethink the situation.

good on you for recognising it and approaching head on.. for both your boys sakes .. 🌸

It's irritating and damaging for kids.
My DM's favouritism is cringing. She seems to think that DD5 has all the attention, so verbally favours DS10 in a loud misguided way to compensate for this imaginary belief. Cue DM berating DD when she is upset, mocking her and then pointedly over reassuring DS about how wonderful and brilliant he is. But does it in such a way, it looks like she actually feels he is inadequate in some way. Completely unnecessary. DS is a bit wary of DM so this makes him feel v awkward. I have to intervene and then DM gets huffy.

I would let your parents know in an as matter of fact way as poss that they have 6 months to work on it and improve the situation otherwise you will limit contact to very bare minimum.
Your dd is hopefully too little to pick up on it but there is no point waiting till she does.

In my mid 60s now but the hurt of my mother treating me and my DS differently has echoed through the generations.
My sister was the golden child and her children the chosen ones. No expense was too much. Gifts to one set of grand children were vastly different to the others. Money was showered on them.
I have been NC with my DS for 20 years and my children haven't seen their cousins for 25.

I expect she has formed a primary caregiver bond towards him. Normal attachment stuff. But if you have or had a good relationship with her then I hope you can ask her to work on it. Don't be critical. Tell her you want her involved because you love her. We are all human and controlled by various natural impulses we don't even notice sometimes.

We have this in our family. Unfortunately, the eldest two grandchildren (11 and 12) really notice it now and the lack of interest is reflected back. Parents of these two expect politeness from their children, but there is no relationship beyond that. Relationships with their other grandparents are joyful.

My sister & I weren’t my grandma’s (paternal) favourites. Blatantly obvious growing up, me more so because I look so much like my mum.
I don’t blame my cousins, but I don’t like them because of it.

I had this with one of my child’s aunts.
Would comment on how demanding girls are, how independent they are, that her nephew is much more affectionate, cuddly etc.
My DD started to notice and tried to get her attention, asking her to read her a book or do some colouring. She would always say no, she was busy with nephew.
One day we were driving home and my DD said ‘why doesn’t auntie x like me?’.
Broke my heart. I gradually reduced contact with her down to practically zero. We only see her at Christmas and the occasional birthday now.
I did this to protect my DD. When I did speak the aunt about her behaviour she said my DD was ‘loud and annoying’. She was 4 at the time.

Protect your child OP, before they start to realise.

Nannyamc one child staying over every week and they others don't is favourism.

Have you tried speaking to your dad. I'd call your mam out on her behaviour tbh.

We have this kind of dynamic in our family, it started off as my nephew (eldest gc) been flavoured above both my DS, and worse his own sister. We shielded my DS from seeing this by seeing them separately, but I always felt so bad for my niece, who would watch her brother been picked up and taken on outings while she was left behind. (mum claims she was "to young" despite being years older then nephew was when she started taking him)

Unfortunately it has escalated since my younger child was born, as it has become apparent that she is similarly 'chosen' as a favourite. There's no way that I will allow the same different treatment that my sister overlooks, so for now both my children are missing out on a relationship.

Sprogonthetyne

You say that both your children are missing out on a relationship, but isn't it more a case that your children are being saved from a relationship that will damage them?

Awful behaviour OP.

The most important person in this is your daughter.
So I would step well back and choose to relegate your parents.
Don't speak about them, don't mention them.
Talk to your daughter about other things.
By doing this and not giving them status, she will take from your lead.
It is awful for children to see this and terribly hurtful.
I haven't had it in my family but over the years a few friends have mentioned it a bit.
It is always the first set of grandchildren getting the priority attention.

One of my friends had this with her inlaws.
She found it very hurtful as her own parents were dead.

It was her inlaws daughters children that were the very clear favourites.

They did sleepovers and days out.

My friends children just weren't ever invited.
The boys were VERY aware of it, and it did hurt them.
They NEVER visited my friends home.

She mentioned it once and was dismissed as being silly so she let it go.
So she left it to her husband to visit his parents and only went infrequently.
Her sons grew less interested in going.

She liked her sister in law, but it obviously suited her that her children were given so much attention, particularly when they were young.

Her BIL got a promotion to the US with his company and they moved.
Huge tears and drama.

You know the rest of course.

Suddenly they were calls asking when were they coming to visit?
When could they see the grandsons?
Could they visit?

Her boys were mid teens by this stage and had zero interest.

She didn't intervene, she left it to her husband, as she didn't feel her boys should be suddenly expected to visit weekly when they didn't see them more than once every couple of months all their lives.

She kindly hosted them sometimes, but she never insisted her boys be around as by this time they had lots of matches etc. and their own lives.

Her MIL is dead now and her son's never visit the grandfather, they have absolutely no interest.

Mine were the oldest GC - they favorited the youngest.

To the point DN had his own room his own toys in their house and mine weren’t allowed to play with them - always pointed out they were ‘DN toys’ mine had no toys there.

FIL set up a game of cricket with DN and they refused to let mine play because they were girls - they were 6 and 4 - DN is a week younger than DD -

Once we took a slip n slide to their house so they could have something to play one hot afternoon, MIL insisted DN had such fun playing that we leave it for him!!

We didn’t have much to do with them after that. Not worth the effort.

Did you even read OP's situation... which is nothing like your situation at all

But we only ever see the op side, it's reasonable to question that there maybe another narrative. Fwiw I wonder if the sister feel smothered by her mum (as they shut the door in her face)

@charmingthebirds

Sprogonthetyne

You say that both your children are missing out on a relationship, but isn't it more a case that your children are being saved from a relationship that will damage them?

I know your right really, it's just difficult to see it that way when we don't have any other family around, so they effectively lose the chance at having a wider family.

Rationaly I know this is probably a hangover from being the less favourite child, and at the time been happy for any affection/interest I got. But knowing that and having your emotional reaction match that isn't the same thing.

I think you need to speak to her but I would ignore others that say cut contact. Your daughter is 1 years old - not everyone bonds with very young babies. I would wait until she is older and talking and if its still the same go low contact then. But don't do anything without speaking to her as you are pressuming she knows. I think this sort of situations happens in a variety of families - some times its down to how the grandparent sees their relationship with their own child (the mother or father) and their parenting. There are 5 kids in my family and we have noticed if my mum finds the 'rules' around being a grandparent very ridiculous she tends to back away a bit.

@Sprogonthetyne I totally agree with you! It does feel like your DC are missing out on close relationships when GPs act this way.

I think it’s partly because you imagine how you’d treat your own GC and when others don’t act in that way it’s sad and disappointing. My DC barely see the set that treat them this way, they never ask about them, never seem bothered. I hope over the years they’ve had more than enough love and attention from others to know that their GPs are undeserving and not them.

My DM was like this, besotted with a DGS, not so with any of the girls. Or the other boy come to that.
She was close to her DF and not so with her DM, I don't know what the history was there,, she also had an older sister, maybe she was jealous, maybe her own DM favoured her sister and she felt she missed out or something.
Is there a bit of history like this with DGM. It doesn't offend as much if you can see there was a family or childhood dynamic affecting her behaviour.
But my DDs were great, so I didn't care too much and we were quite far away so didn't see her much.

I’m confused as I recall you from another thread very recently where you say your mother is looking after your child during the week whilst you work?

I think that posters recommending that you talk about it with her are spot on, and if she fails to respond this time start looking at what you can control and what you want your own boundaries to be to avoid emotional harm to your DD. You can communicate these boundaries and your expectations to her.
Hopefully you can gain some insight as to whether this is genuinely an (admittedly hurtful) oversight on her part or whether there is more intent/game playing going on. Sadly my experience with my own mother was that she would enjoy playing favourites with The GCs and the ensuing drama, and when she was challenged on it she didn’t choose to/was unable to stop. That’s a worst case scenario and led to no contact. Hopefully you will have better luck! At least you will know you have done what you can.

That's really hard OP, and horrible of your Mum. I think I'd go low contact and just concentrate on having a good relationship with your Dad. Try not to let it hurt you and concentrate on your own little family and building up a good friendship network. I can see that's hurtful but try to overcome it if you can.

@Marmitemarinaded Yes, so that's been our plan for a long time. It's a bit of a mess really.

My mum looks after my nephew while my sister is at work. She charges for this, but not nearly as much as say sending them to a nursery or childminder. When my daughter was born, my Dad signed my mum up to do the same for our daughter. My Mum went along with it saying that it would be fine but with some added comments like "but you better make sure you don't have any more because I'm not doing it for any others."

In a way, I would prefer my mum to have her because I know my Mum (I know she make sure she was fed, watered and that she wouldn't ever let anything bad happen to her) and obviously, we would save quite a lot of money by doing this and we would be very lucky in that sense. That said, one of the main reasons I am trying to reduce my hours at work is to limit the amount of time my DD has to spend with her. I have visions of her sitting on her own playing in a corner while my nephew has my Mum's undivided attention.

Me and my husband have discussed with both my mum and dad whether sending her to a nursery might be better. We were met with comments like "but that would really hurt us if you did that, it would seem like you don't trust us and we're only trying to help."

I feel stuck. I don't want to upset anyone or cause rifts in our wider family but more importantly, I don't want my baby girl to feel unloved.

I feel stuck. I don't want to upset anyone or cause rifts in our wider family but more importantly, I don't want my baby girl to feel unloved.

People bank on this... they know you will say nothing and accept whatever they throw your way..

time to make a stand for your precious baby girl 🌸💕

Fortunately I’ve never experienced this for my kids but I and 1 of my cousins were the less preferred kids with a grandparent and it bloody well hurt! The favourite could do no wrong. My less preferred cousin and I have never had a relationship with the favourite which is a shame, but it’s way too late now

I think proximity and familiarity play a huge part in grandparents/grandchildren relationships.

Your mother has actually lived with her grandson, so there is bound to be a deeper bond between them than with those she sees less frequently. It's a pity that she doesn't try to compensate where your daughter is concerned though.

My own DCs were closer geographically to one set of grandparents than the other, so naturally they saw more of them and a bond formed early in their lives that persisted into adulthood.