Favouritism shown by grandparent - Would this piss you off?

[olldbones]

My sister and her partner moved back in with my parents 3 years ago when she had a baby to get out of renting and save for her own home. My Mum went to all the baby scans and has lived with them all up until recently when they moved out. My mum adores my sisters son, always buying him things and talking about how's he's her lovely little man. She raves about him to anyone that will listen.

I had my own daughter last year. She is nearly 1 and my mum doesn't give her the time of day. When she was tiny, she used to portray that holding her was a chore and would quickly pass her over to anyone else around. She only seems to make comments which sort of come across as digs as she says them in such a way. Examples are "god, she's just all for grandad isn't she" and "all I see is her dad and his family in her... None of us and its a shame " If we have a family get together she will always say love you to my nephew as they leave but never tells my daughter that she loves her.

It makes my blood boil. I understand that she's naturally going to be close to my nephew as she lived with him for so long but I feel she could at least attempt to try and hide her obvious favouritism. It obviously upsets me more than my baby at this point because she has no idea what's going on but if this continues, it will eventually get clocked.

AIBU to be pissed? Tonight when we all left after a family get together I made a point of only kissing my Dad goodbye to try and let her know how it feels. I know that's petty and I do deeply regret acting like that but her attitude is so upsetting when my baby hasn't done anything wrong

Its hurtful op yes. My mam fell out with me. Blanked my daughter at party. Dont take it out on the kid! Honestly op its so hurtful.

I'm in the same situation. We had our kids first and they were doted on by my PILs. Then their daughter had a son and it's always been about him. They have another GC who is a few months older than the favoured one but it's always about him.
My ds was about 7 at the time and asked me if he'd upset Granny. I asked him why he thought that and he replied that she didn't spend time with him anymore.
That broke my heart and shows that they do know what's going on.
Due to many other reasons we're NC with them and it's bliss. More importantly my kids know that their GP's behaviour has nothing to do the them.

Mum is like this with my DS. The only time we left him with her DB and DS descended with their kids and left them there & we arrived home to find Mum had gone upstairs with the older kids to put them up bed while my DS (then only 14 months old and the youngest) was wondering around downstairs, totally unsupervised. I was furious but thought at first it was accidental - then she said she left him downstairs on purpose as he was so quiet.

She never had him unsupervised again

Please send her to nursery, I say this as someone who was on the receiving end of favouritism. My gp greatly favoured me over my brother and it breaks my heart looking back at the differences. It effects him today still and I hold a lot of guilt that he was treated so badly.
I would state you fee it would be better for your daughter’s social skills to attend nursery.

Please send her to nursery. Personally I would have to respond to the "you don't trust us" comment: you rightly DON'T trust them because it does seem likely that your daughter won't be treated equally.

If your sister agrees with you about what is happening I would also try to do more with her and her son without your mum there. Hopefully you can build a relief between the cousins which is not damaged by your mum's favouritism.

It won't be long before your daughter notices, so you need to act now to minimise the impact on her.

I think you need to decide what and whom is more important.

Your mothers feelings whilst she she isn't very interested in your daughter or your daughter not being exposed to such favouritism?

Monitor how things progress for sure but if you continue to feel this is a big issue, nursery might be your best option.

Being mindful of your daughters feelings as she grows should guide you.

@80sMum

I think proximity and familiarity play a huge part in grandparents/grandchildren relationships.

Your mother has actually lived with her grandson, so there is bound to be a deeper bond between them than with those she sees less frequently. It's a pity that she doesn't try to compensate where your daughter is concerned though.

My own DCs were closer geographically to one set of grandparents than the other, so naturally they saw more of them and a bond formed early in their lives that persisted into adulthood.

I lived next door to one set of grandparent. Saw them frequently

I was closer emotionally with my other grandmother.

I don’t think your hypothesis is always the case

I don't think this is just favouritism. It's worse than that. Telling one child you love them and not saying it to the other isn't favouritism. It's cruelty.

Also have this with the PILs.

YY about the first set being favourites and geographical distance.

What a PP says about a primary care-giver relationship also really resonates.. BIL and his ex-girlfriend are pretty useless so MIL has been a third parent.

Thing is they're quite doting when we're alone with them, but it's so obvious when all together so try and avoid that.

I was so hurt when it became apparent but I've started to just try and take it for what it is.

It's hard though because my mum died last year (had dementia since before DC were born so they've never had a grandmotherly relationship with her) and my dad is an alcoholic so no other grandparents.