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Original poster

What do I do , I want more children husband doesnt

59 replies

Baby2020triplets · 08/08/2021 21:12

To cut a long story short, we got pregnant last year with triplets and lost them, it made me realise how much I wanted another child, we have a 7 year old, my husband doesn't want anymore children .
When we found out last year he wanted to get an abortion but lost them at 9 weeks it broke my heart.
Our 7 year old keep asking for a brother or sister.
We have a lovely house and good jobs but he wants better for us bigger house but what's the use of a bigger house with no-one to fill it?

He just keeps saying no and never to ask again im broken what do I do ? I love him so much and love our live but I can't seem to get over this.he doesn't seem to listen when I try to tell him how I feel

OP posts:
Divebar2021 · 08/08/2021 21:16

It also seems like you’re not listening when he tells you how he feels too. No one is going to have a solution for this I’m afraid because it’s not about right & wrong.

ThePriceIsNotRight · 08/08/2021 21:18

Ultimately, the person that says no to conceiving another child, trumps the person who wants one. You can’t make him want another, so it comes down to accepting it, or splitting and trying for another child either by yourself, or with someone else.

On the surface he’s wrong to not have conversations with you about it, but how often are you broaching the subject? As much as he needs to accept your feelings, you also need to accept his.

CrazyNeighbour · 08/08/2021 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

laalaaland · 08/08/2021 21:20

Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I wanted a second child, my partner decided he didn't. It was VERY hard for a long time but I have slowly come to terms with it. I couldn't bring a child into the world that wasn't 100% wanted. I didn't think that was fair on anyone. But I have longed for and grieved over the future I wanted. I understand some of your pain but have no easy answers I'm afraid.

5475878237NC · 08/08/2021 21:22

I'm so sorry for your loss. Has your husband had an opportunity to talk about what must have been complex feelings around not wanting the pregnancy then the loss of the triplets and all that you must have suffered as a result. It could be that he might feel differently in future but as the PP have written, his feelings need to be respected

CharlotteRose90 · 08/08/2021 21:23

He’s not listening to you and you’re not listening to him. Both equal feelings. You have a tough decision to make I think either stick with him or leave in the hope of having another child. Please do not force another baby on him when he says he doesn’t want one.

toolazytothinkofausername · 08/08/2021 21:25

From reading your OP, I could not stay with your DH in that situation.

Nothing could make up for not being able to have another child after such a devastating loss.

Crowtooyo · 08/08/2021 21:26

I don't think you're listening to him either? He doesn't have to have another child and so your option are to accept this or split up and have another child alone / with a new partner..

Original poster
Baby2020triplets · 08/08/2021 21:27

I would never have one with out his blessing, we got caught last year on the pill, it was a massive shock to us both, I'm just finding it so hard to live with this pain, every where I look people seem to be having babies and getting pregnant,

I love my husband and would never leave him over this he means the world to me, I just find it hard as he never talks about it just says no more I'm not talking about it end off.

I just want to scream I'm hurting.

He won't have a vasectomy wants me to go on the pill or other form.the last time we talked about it was 5 months ago when I broke down , I just tried to bring it up again but he shut it down again.

I think I shall just have to learn to move on from it but it's so hard how do you all cope if you have been in this situation?

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 08/08/2021 21:28

This is always a difficult one. Ultimately the person who doesn't want more children has a final say.

I don't think leaving in the hope of having another child is the answer either. It's incredibly unfair to force a step parent situation onto the existing child for the reason of wanting another child. And who is to say you would even meet someone anyway?

I don't know what the answer is, it's hard.

wheresmymojo · 08/08/2021 21:29

@CrazyNeighbour

Tough decisions ahead. Are you doing the contraception? If so then stop? What if he had a vasectomy?

What if you decided you’re allowed to leave him?

Please don't just stop using contraception without discussing it.

If a man does this, it's rape.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 08/08/2021 21:31

@CrazyNeighbour

Tough decisions ahead. Are you doing the contraception? If so then stop? What if he had a vasectomy?

What if you decided you’re allowed to leave him?

Do not listen to this silly advice.
notanothertakeaway · 08/08/2021 21:31

So hard for both of you. We had similar conversations and agreed that the parent who didn't want more children had the final say. No child should be brought into the world unless wholeheartedly wanted and welcomed

But it's hard

Hekatestorch · 08/08/2021 21:32

You feel he isn't listening, because he won't give in.

He is listening. He just doesn't want anymore.

I know people will say, stop using contraception, tell him that and then he can go get the snip if he wants. But its really not a good way of handling it. It becomes stale mate and if he got the snip you woukd be devastated.

Let's say he does give in. He doesn't really want another, but says OK to make you happy. How well do you think that will go?

And let's say he genuinely changes his mind. You have another or potentially, multiple in one pregnancy. What if after those babies are born. You still feel like you do now. You still desperately want one more and he says no then. What happens at that point?

Unfortunately your choices are acceptable What he is saying or leave to find someone else who is willing to have children with. Or wait in the hope he changes his mind, which I think will leave you resentful.

gamerchick · 08/08/2021 21:32

He won't have a vasectomy wants me to go on the pill or other form.the last time we talked about it was 5 months ago when I broke down , I just tried to bring it up again but he shut it down again

The one who doesn't trump's the one who does yes. However, expecting you to take care of the contraception is selfish. He needs to use condoms or get the snip if he doesnt want any more kids. There's no way I'd be taking care of it.

ThePriceIsNotRight · 08/08/2021 21:36

IMO he should be the one to get a vasectomy if he feels like that, especially given your contraception has already failed you. That said, don’t just stop using it, because regardless of the rights and wrongs, the reality of having a child when one person doesn’t want one would likely spell disaster for your marriage, and create an incredible amount of upheaval for your existing child.

I would suggest accessing therapy as a way to express your thoughts and work through this.

spotcheck · 08/08/2021 21:37

Have you told him how deeply the loss of your triplets has affected you?

If he doesn't want another child, that is fine, but he is being selfish and, actually quite cruel expecting you to manage contraception. Rubbing salt in the wound really

Original poster
Baby2020triplets · 08/08/2021 21:37

@Hekatestorch

You feel he isn't listening, because he won't give in.

He is listening. He just doesn't want anymore.

I know people will say, stop using contraception, tell him that and then he can go get the snip if he wants. But its really not a good way of handling it. It becomes stale mate and if he got the snip you woukd be devastated.

Let's say he does give in. He doesn't really want another, but says OK to make you happy. How well do you think that will go?

And let's say he genuinely changes his mind. You have another or potentially, multiple in one pregnancy. What if after those babies are born. You still feel like you do now. You still desperately want one more and he says no then. What happens at that point?

Unfortunately your choices are acceptable What he is saying or leave to find someone else who is willing to have children with. Or wait in the hope he changes his mind, which I think will leave you resentful.

Your right!!! Maybe he is listening but I feel he isn't because he won't give in to me , I wouldn't never trap him I couldn't do that, he is such a good man I don't want to push him away , I think it falls with me and learning to be happy with what I have and respect his answer.

It still hurts tho but I live my husband and son more then anything

Thank you all x

OP posts:
BrilloPaddy · 08/08/2021 21:38

He has the right to not want more children but he's the one who should be making sure this doesn't happen - not you.

Soontobe60 · 08/08/2021 21:39

I think you’ve both been through a traumatic event, and would probably benefit from counselling. If he won’t go, maybe go by yourself.

girlmom21 · 08/08/2021 21:40

He won't have a vasectomy wants me to go on the pill or other form.the last time we talked about it was 5 months ago when I broke down , I just tried to bring it up again but he shut it down again.

If he's adamant he doesn't want any more children, he can have a vasectomy or buy the condoms.

Why should you have to continue taking contraception?

girlmom21 · 08/08/2021 21:41

I'm not saying stop the pill and catch him out, by the way, that would be awful.

badg3r · 08/08/2021 21:43

I'm sorry for your losses last year. It sounds to me like it's not just that you want another baby now but that you are grieving still. How did you feel about stopping at one before you got pregnant? Could it be that your husband is also still coming to terms with the loss and is not able to talk about it properly yet?

Original poster
Baby2020triplets · 08/08/2021 21:46

Before we got pregnant again I was happy with one, we was building our business and it never crossed my mind about another child, now we are more financially stable and getting to my mid 30s I feel like I really want more I think the shock of finding out we were pregnant and them losing them is make me think all sorts

OP posts:
WindyWindsor · 08/08/2021 21:50

This sounds like a very hard situation that doesn't have an easy answer. You both want different things and there's not much either of you can do about it.

What I would say though is it's not at all down to you to continue talking the pill because that's what he wants. You would not be unreasonable to tell him your stopping hormonal contraceptives. He can wear condoms. As long as you make it clear to him you're stopping then he has just as much responsibility with contraception, especially if he wants no more children.