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AIBU?

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What do I do , I want more children husband doesnt

59 replies

Baby2020triplets · 08/08/2021 21:12

To cut a long story short, we got pregnant last year with triplets and lost them, it made me realise how much I wanted another child, we have a 7 year old, my husband doesn't want anymore children .
When we found out last year he wanted to get an abortion but lost them at 9 weeks it broke my heart.
Our 7 year old keep asking for a brother or sister.
We have a lovely house and good jobs but he wants better for us bigger house but what's the use of a bigger house with no-one to fill it?

He just keeps saying no and never to ask again im broken what do I do ? I love him so much and love our live but I can't seem to get over this.he doesn't seem to listen when I try to tell him how I feel

OP posts:
Wearywithteens · 09/08/2021 13:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

CutePanda · 09/08/2021 13:14

@pianolessons1

Don't forget that your kids would have an at least 8 year age difference. That will have a big impact on your existing child. He may thinks he wants a sibling but he's getting to the age where you can do different things on holiday etc and stepping back to the baby years will impact him in ways he can't possible consider.
I agree. I’m closer to my sibling who’s a year younger than me than the one who is nearly 10 years younger than me. When your eldest is at university, the other is still at primary school. They won’t really grow up together.
Mamascoven · 09/08/2021 13:37

@Cukku

I dont think this is the right time or place for your posts. OP is wanting genuine help and answers about her situation that has nothing to do with climate change.

LemonKitten · 09/08/2021 13:38

[quote Mamascoven]@Cukku

I dont think this is the right time or place for your posts. OP is wanting genuine help and answers about her situation that has nothing to do with climate change.[/quote]
thank you for saying this, I didn't know how to and took the cowardly way out.

Chloemol · 09/08/2021 13:43

He doesn’t want one, and you dont want to leave, so you have to find a way forward, counselling perhaps?

As to him wanting you to go on the pill. He won’t have a vasectomy, that’s a different story. Why should you fill your body with chemicals when he can have a simple op that thousands have

So my response to that would be I am not taking the pill. We use condoms or you get the snip, or no sex. His choice

Cukku · 09/08/2021 13:53

The right time to think about climate change is before deciding to have another baby. What will that child's life be like? Why isn't that relevant? Why is having a child all about the parent and their wish to experience having a (second in this case) baby, rather than about the child and their likely future? If you can't be selfless towards your own prospective children...

Cukku · 09/08/2021 13:55

This isn't a fantasy - it's the current reality. It will have a MASSIVE effect on your children's lives. You are making this decision on the child's behalf. It's a big responsibility.

Candlesinthewind · 09/08/2021 14:04

I would accept his decision at the moment. Once you’re sure he understands your depth of feeling, then stop talking about it and try to get your head around it.
Leave it for a couple of years or so - don’t keep prodding for a different answer from him.
Then if you still feel as strongly in a couple of years, talk to him again about it (assuming he hasn’t had the snip in the meantime).
Sometimes feelings do change, on either side.
But do your best to come to terms with it in the interim.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 09/08/2021 14:13

You have more than one problem here.

You want another child and he doesn't. You think he isn't listening to you but he is likely thinking the same when he says no. All you can do is make a choice about what you want more, him or another baby. You can't have both if he doesn't want one can you, so do you stay with him or do you leave to have another by yourself or in another relationship?

Then you have the big problem of contraception. You want another baby obviously but until you've made a choice about what you're going to do about that do you want to be on the pill? Try not to think about babies when thinking about that. Just think about if you are ok with taking the pill when he isn't using any contraception or getting a vasectomy himself. Because if you don't want to take the pill but you do make the choice to stay with him and not have more children how are you going to do that? It's a big problem. Because if you don't want to take contraception and he doesn't want to use condoms or get a vasectomy then all the choice you have left is abstain or have unprotected sex isn't it? You already know you're ok with having a baby so you are ok with unprotected sex. But he doesn't want one so he needs to pick what he wants to do.

So, after you know if you're staying and not having a child (because if you're leaving you don't need to worry about contraception in this relationship) you need to talk to him and you both need to listen. Because if you don't want to take the pill what contraception are you going to agree on?

Because you need to agree on something. So if he doesn't want a vasectomy or to use condoms (and another thing you both need to think about is the failure rate of whatever you use, and if you're both ok with it) and you don't want to take any birth control or get sterilised (and you both have the right to not want any of them, and you both don't have the right to make eachother take one) then you need to agree to abstain from things that will make a baby or that you will just have unprotected sex and both agree that if/when you get pregnant you'll be having a baby (because you don't want a termination, so that isn't something he can tell you to have, anymore than you can tell him to have something he doesn't want done to his body). Then if you still can't agree your relationship is really over anyway because you need to be able to agree on these things in a relationship.

But you need to know what you want OP.

You need to think about if another baby is a deal breaker. Then if yes, you tell him and you leave. But if no you need to talk to him about contraception.

When you talk to him about contraception he needs to know you now won't be asking about another baby and will be staying in the relationship. Then that you now need to talk about contraception.

He might not want to talk about it but he'll either have to or the relationship will be called into question again.

You need to know what you want OP. No one here can tell you, and when you know what you want start talking to him and if he won't listen you know you can't make him.

What you don't want is both of you not being on contraception and having some sort of competition over if he'll break first and go for it unprotected or if you'll both just abstain and hate eachother. You're both adults.

So if you can't agree one of you needs to be the bigger person and understand the relationship is over anyway. Most importantly of all you have a child to think about, and what happens with their parents is important, so you agree together or you don't agree and do what you need to to stop your child living in the middle of your arguments.

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