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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What do I do , I want more children husband doesnt

59 replies

Baby2020triplets · 08/08/2021 21:12

To cut a long story short, we got pregnant last year with triplets and lost them, it made me realise how much I wanted another child, we have a 7 year old, my husband doesn't want anymore children .
When we found out last year he wanted to get an abortion but lost them at 9 weeks it broke my heart.
Our 7 year old keep asking for a brother or sister.
We have a lovely house and good jobs but he wants better for us bigger house but what's the use of a bigger house with no-one to fill it?

He just keeps saying no and never to ask again im broken what do I do ? I love him so much and love our live but I can't seem to get over this.he doesn't seem to listen when I try to tell him how I feel

OP posts:

Blossomtoes · 08/08/2021 21:51

@toolazytothinkofausername

From reading your OP, I could not stay with your DH in that situation.

Nothing could make up for not being able to have another child after such a devastating loss.

I completely agree. It would be the end for me.

CutePanda · 08/08/2021 22:00

@Baby2020triplets He won't have a vasectomy wants me to go on the pill or other form.

If he does not want anymore DC then you need to respect his decision. You cannot emotionally manipulate him (force him) into becoming a dad to more DC. However, he needs to have a vasectomy if he’s so determined not to have more DC. Why should you be forced to go on hormonal contraception?

Also ignore PP who told you to stop taking your contraceptive pill without him knowing. That’s disgusting and so so ethically wrong.

Your DH is probably still grieving.

Plumedenom · 08/08/2021 22:06

You are still grieving and you are still young. I'm very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard it is to have all the excitement of triplets to then lose them. No wonder you feel there is a hole. It is perfectly normal to feel like that. It has probably traumatised him too. Give it some time, a couple of years. You have time and you need to take it. Saying that, you are not obliged to sort contraception. Tell him it's condoms hereonin if you don't want to take the pill.

thepeopleversuswork · 08/08/2021 22:13

Very sorry for your loss. I can understand how you feel.

But, and I mean this kindly, it sounds as if the understandable grief you are feeling over the loss of your children is colouring your judgement.

He has made his feelings clear and his desire not to have another child takes precedence over yours. You have to accept his position.

I wouldn't rush into anything. I think you probably need to take a lot more time to manage the grief you feel so possibly don't do anything for another year.

But ultimately if you want to have more children it can't be with him. You have to decide whether the desire for another notional child is worth more than the stable family unit and the existing child you have. I'm sorry if that sounds blunt.

toocold54 · 08/08/2021 22:13

It’s so difficult but unfortunately unless you are willing to not have a other child then there’s no compromise.
Depending on how strongly you want another child your only option would be to split and find someone who wants the same things as you do.

toocold54 · 08/08/2021 22:17

Are you ok having a termination?
As no contraception is 100% and if he’s not willing to have a vasectomy then it is not your fault if you get pregnant. I would be talking to him about this and what would happen if you did get pregnant.

I don’t think it’s selfish of him to not want another child but I think it would be selfish if he expects you to get an abortion if the contraception failed.

Bythemillpond · 08/08/2021 22:18

He is giving out mixed signals
Either he doesn’t want more children and that is fine but then he needs to take care of contraception otherwise he is leaving contraception up to someone he knows is desperate for more children.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/08/2021 22:22

It must be heartbreaking not to be on the same page as one another about something so big.

No way would I be shouldering the contraception burden though.

I dont want more children. I use contraception (whilst I work on getting my tubes tied). My dh would be happy with an accident and as such doesnt want a vasectomy. He appreciates I dont want more. He would care either way - thus has no need to get the snip. My choice to prevent pregnancy - my responsibility to protect against it.

Shmithecat2 · 08/08/2021 22:23

It's so hard. I wanted another child, DH didn't - so we didn't have one. Because both parents need to be on board.

Clumsyvolcano · 08/08/2021 22:31

He is well within his rights to not want another child. If that’s his choice then he needs to take charge of that and get a vasectomy.

He’s being totally unreasonable to expect you to keep putting synthetic hormones in your body indefinitely to ensure that his wishes are kept. It should not be always down to the woman.

Cukku · 08/08/2021 22:44

This is such a terrible time to be bringing children into the world.

Bythemillpond · 08/08/2021 22:47

I love my husband and would never leave him over this he means the world to me, I just find it hard as he never talks about it just says no more I'm not talking about it end off

I would make sure that this is mutual. Saying he won’t give reasons is not fair on you. At least if you know his reasons you can either come to terms with it or leave.

Not talking is just cruel as you don’t know why.
I would look at Dh very differently if he was so adamant on anything and wouldn’t explain why.

Mischance · 08/08/2021 22:55

His "Don't ask again" attitude is pretty dismissive.

He needs to talk about this, not dismiss you. He needs to talk about the loss you have both suffered. He needs to take some responsibility for contraception if it is his decision to have no more. He needs to hear why you want anther child; and you need to hear why not.

If you are not communicating and he is just swatting you away like an irritating fly, then this will fester.

Summerfun54321 · 08/08/2021 23:02

The thought of my DH getting me pregnant then asking for a termination is gross. If he feels that strongly about not having children, he needs to do something about it and get a vasectomy. So sorry to hear about your loss

Wolframhart · 08/08/2021 23:03

He shouldn’t be expecting you to take the responsibility for birth control. The pill is an amazing liberator, but it also comes with harsh side effects that we only accept because pregnancy is so extreme in comparison. If he is really sure he is done, it’s time for him to take over the birth control by getting a vasectomy which is much less risky than you taking the pill.

But before you get to that….

It’s entirely possible that the desperation you feel to have a child and the strength of his feelings against are not entirely grounded in what it would be like to actually add another child to your family. You are both processing a loss and people handle that differently. Some want to try for another child. Some don’t ever want to open their hearts to hope again.

Unfashionable · 08/08/2021 23:06

There are two separate issues here.

The first issue is about whether or not you have more children. Neither of you is in the wrong here. You are perfectly entitled to want more, he is perfectly entitled not to. You just want different things and it’s a binary choice. He wants the current situation to remain. You want it to change. The ball is therefore in your court, and you have to decide whether or not you want to stay married to someone who doesn’t want more children.

The second issue is about contraception. He is being entirely unreasonable in expecting you to take responsibility for contraception despite you wanting more children and you are absolutely entitled to refuse to do so. He will then be faced with the consequences of his decision not to have more children : taking responsibility for contraception himself or a sexless marriage.

Zeev · 08/08/2021 23:15

@Clumsyvolcano

He is well within his rights to not want another child. If that’s his choice then he needs to take charge of that and get a vasectomy.

He’s being totally unreasonable to expect you to keep putting synthetic hormones in your body indefinitely to ensure that his wishes are kept. It should not be always down to the woman.

This. If he wants to be sure, then he needs to make sure. It is not on to put the whole responsibility on you.

Hankunamatata · 08/08/2021 23:21

Id try counselling. You can hear each other in a neutral setting and try to move forward

Highfivemum · 08/08/2021 23:33

You are grieving your lost babies. I am sorry for your loss.
You need time to grieve your DH maybe does too. . Maybe talk to someone about it.
Best wishes.

CrazyNeighbour · 09/08/2021 06:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pianolessons1 · 09/08/2021 06:46

Don't forget that your kids would have an at least 8 year age difference. That will have a big impact on your existing child. He may thinks he wants a sibling but he's getting to the age where you can do different things on holiday etc and stepping back to the baby years will impact him in ways he can't possible consider.

Cukku · 09/08/2021 08:56

I think everyone considering more children (or even any children, unfortunately) should read this thread. It's not all about the adults: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4317214-If-it-s-that-bad-why-aren-t-we-panicking-more

LemonKitten · 09/08/2021 09:25

Have you had any couselling after the loss of your babies last year?

You say that before finding out that you were pregnant, you were happy with only having one child.

Is it possible (and I don't know, I've never been in your situation) that you are still grieving for the babies you so sadly lost?

Dogfan · 09/08/2021 10:31

I wonder if part of the issue is not being able to express yourself because he shuts down the conversation. Maybe you could try saying "I know you don't want any more children. I respect that decision and I won't try to change your mind but I would like to talk to you about how I'm feeling". Then go on to be open with him about how you feel. I would also talk about the contraception thing. You need to be a team and at the moment it sounds like you are working against each other. If he won't discuss your feelings I think that is another matter altogether. Stonewalling is not an appropriate way to behave in an adult relationship.

Bythemillpond · 09/08/2021 12:57

I know this is an odd way of looking at and I will probably get flames because it might not come across how I mean it but are both of you still processing the grief of the miscarriage, but with out communication your Dh has got stuck in the moment you lost them and doesn’t want to put you or himself through that again rather than not wanting children for another reason. Whilst you are processing the grief and have moved on to wanting to plan for the future which involves more children.
This is why I think the mixed signals of not wanting to take charge of the contraception but leaving it up to someone who is desperate for a child maybe is a way of him saying I don’t want children snd if you get pregnant and miscarried then I can protect myself because I didn’t want the pregnancy in the first place.
You need to talk as I don’t think it is as cut and dried as he doesn’t want children because…
I think there is still a lot of grief to work through for both of you

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