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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ground her over this

53 replies

Weirdmom · 08/08/2021 20:45

So my daughter (11) has spent most of the last week playing outside with her new friends, the neighbourhood kids. From early morning to late evening, I've had to make her come in at lunch and dinner to eat.
This morning I told her we had to go out to the shops for a few hours but she kicked up such a fuss when I went to call her him, calling us 'tw*t' and a 'bitch' so I said because of her behaviour she wouldn't be allowed out when we got back.
I reminded her of this several times while we were out after her mentioning it but when we walked past her friends she kicked up a fuss again, calling names, and throwing things, then snuck out of the house to take her friend a drawing, so I said she would be grounded the next day aswell as she didn't respect my rules...

She was getting very angry saying her friends are the only people who help her calm down so I suggested things we could do instead, then ran her a bath, put some candles etc... She calmed down.
Then once she got out of the bath she kept pushing again asking to go out etc I said the discussion was over and my answer was not changing. She decided to be verbally abusive again and ran off again, after twenty minutes I managed to get her back inside as it's 8 o clock at this point. And she's kicking off again. She wishes we were all dead, she wishes she was dead, trashed her room, said her friends won't be her friends anymore now she's grounded etc.

Was I too harsh in my consequence?
What would everyone else do?

I literally feel like whatever I do I'm in the wrong.

There are definately underlying issues which I'm going to book a gp appt for I think.

Any help is appreciated, I really feel like the absolute worst parent on earth.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 08/08/2021 20:47

The new friends don't seem to be a very good influence.

TimeForTeaAndG · 08/08/2021 20:48

I've no advice but sounds like a GP appointment is a good idea. You are doing your best.

Be aware of hormone changes around this point though, she's likely not even sure herself why she is acting like it.

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/08/2021 20:48

She’s 11, of course yanbu.

itsgettingwierd · 08/08/2021 20:55

Of course yanbu.

And very sensible to get a GP apt.

This level of need to be with friends all the time and afraid of missing out or losing them is worrying.

My friends dd was like this and ended up having a really rough few years.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 08/08/2021 20:55

The new friends don't seem to be a very good influence.

In what way?

Horst · 08/08/2021 20:57

The names where enough to ground. The sneaking out is a whole level on top

How did she get out? Keep doors locked and keys hidden. If you have lockable windows again key up high but close for if needed.

Horst · 08/08/2021 20:58

@sweeneytoddsrazor

The new friends don't seem to be a very good influence.

In what way?

Because the child has been friends and is now calling names and sneaking out. Pretty obvious.
MrsSkylerWhite · 08/08/2021 20:59

Horst

The names where enough to ground. The sneaking out is a whole level on top

How did she get out? Keep doors locked and keys hidden. If you have lockable windows again key up high but close for if needed.“

If she’s behaving like this at 11, you need professional help.

Capricornandproud · 08/08/2021 21:00

Absolutely keep firm on this one! My boy would be IN for it if he kicked off like this.

ConstanceGracy · 08/08/2021 21:02

An 11 year old child called you those names and you think you’ve been too harsh?? Yikes.
She’s guilt tripping you and you’re falling for it.
Her reaction is not normal to being told you have to go shopping for a bit .. jeez

sweeneytoddsrazor · 08/08/2021 21:04

A child misbehaving doesn't mean its the friends influence. She wants to be out with them and not doing things with her parents. Thats pretty standard, you can't blame the other kids for her reaction to her parents calling her in.

Stichintime · 08/08/2021 21:06

You have to regain the balance in your family, by restricting her playing out time, otherwise you'll lose influence and control.

Thadhiya · 08/08/2021 21:07

11 is shocking. I have children older than that who would never behave in such a way.

She is not at all mature enough to be playing out unsupervised. She has fallen in with a shocking crowd. She needs to be kept in until she has shown she behave with responsibility. You could also do with meeting these so-called friends, determining their ages, and keeping an eye on them in your home, not allowing them to roam outdoors.

Thadhiya · 08/08/2021 21:07

@sweeneytoddsrazor

A child misbehaving doesn't mean its the friends influence. She wants to be out with them and not doing things with her parents. Thats pretty standard, you can't blame the other kids for her reaction to her parents calling her in.
At 11. Christ.
negomi90 · 08/08/2021 21:08

If this is new and out of character for her, you need to do some cautious digging about who she's with and if anything has happened or is happening with this group of people or elsewhere.
Is she scared of something bad happening to her/family if she isn't with these people? Are they using or manipulating her in anyway? Who's there (do they meet up with older people)? Do they go anywhere? What do they do together? Etc
But it would have to be subtle digging/spying as she's unlikely to respond well to something she perceives as an interrogation.

boomwhacker · 08/08/2021 21:08

Oh my word OP. My child would be in for the rest of the summer if they behaved like that! You are much too tolerant here!!

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/08/2021 21:09

sweeneytoddsrazor
A child misbehaving doesn't mean its the friends influence. She wants to be out with them and not doing things with her parents. Thats pretty standard, you can't blame the other kids for her reaction to her parents calling her in.“

Rochdale mean anything to you?

PlanDeRaccordement · 08/08/2021 21:09

At 11 I was babysitting other children. So not sure why you didn’t leave her to play while you went to the shops. Still that is your right as a parent to require her to go with you and she should respect that.

You were right to ground her over disrespecting you by swearing and trashing her room. Just be calm and firm and don’t lose your temper (try your best...children can be hard going at times).

I don’t think a GP appointment is needed. Why medicalise what is normal pre-teen disobedience and boundary pushing?

FangsForTheMemory · 08/08/2021 21:10

@sweeneytoddsrazor FFS, if it waddles and quacks, do you call it a pigeon? It's pretty clear cause and effect.

OP YANBU, this could get a lot worse if you don't nip it in the bud.

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/08/2021 21:16

“At 11 I was babysitting other children“

Really bad idea.

PlanDeRaccordement · 08/08/2021 21:22

@MrsSkylerWhite

“At 11 I was babysitting other children“

Really bad idea.

Kids are very infantilised these days. I was very responsible and Red Cross certified to babysit and even do infant CPR. I am eldest of 7 so had lots of experience by 11.
Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2021 21:22

Your child is 11, calling you vile names and acting in a completely unacceptable manner, and you think you're being too harsh? You aren't being tough enough, and you are falling for her tantrums. She is running roughshod over you, so it's high time you take control because sadly you currently have lost it. Let her know very clearly who makes the rules, and it isn't her.

Pugdogmom · 08/08/2021 21:26

For every time she is rude and cheeky, I would be grounding her. If she trashes her room, I would be emptying it of everything apart from her bed, and basic clothes. If she wants to act like a spoilt toddler, I would be treating her like one.

I don't think you were harsh enough OP.

Lucyccfc68 · 08/08/2021 21:28

No you are not being too harsh. The swearing alone would have been a full week grounded in my house and there would have been no pandering with a nice bath and candles.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/08/2021 21:33

Nope. The swearing and name-calling is one thing. The sneaking out is another.

Ban all electronics for a week. Lock the doors. Teach her some manners.

Stand your ground. It'll be bloody hard but if you lose this battle, you'll lose the war.