To ground her over this

[Weirdmom]

So my daughter (11) has spent most of the last week playing outside with her new friends, the neighbourhood kids. From early morning to late evening, I've had to make her come in at lunch and dinner to eat.
This morning I told her we had to go out to the shops for a few hours but she kicked up such a fuss when I went to call her him, calling us 'tw*t' and a 'bitch' so I said because of her behaviour she wouldn't be allowed out when we got back.
I reminded her of this several times while we were out after her mentioning it but when we walked past her friends she kicked up a fuss again, calling names, and throwing things, then snuck out of the house to take her friend a drawing, so I said she would be grounded the next day aswell as she didn't respect my rules...

She was getting very angry saying her friends are the only people who help her calm down so I suggested things we could do instead, then ran her a bath, put some candles etc... She calmed down.
Then once she got out of the bath she kept pushing again asking to go out etc I said the discussion was over and my answer was not changing. She decided to be verbally abusive again and ran off again, after twenty minutes I managed to get her back inside as it's 8 o clock at this point. And she's kicking off again. She wishes we were all dead, she wishes she was dead, trashed her room, said her friends won't be her friends anymore now she's grounded etc.

Was I too harsh in my consequence?
What would everyone else do?

I literally feel like whatever I do I'm in the wrong.

There are definately underlying issues which I'm going to book a gp appt for I think.

Any help is appreciated, I really feel like the absolute worst parent on earth.

Have you sat down when things are calm and asked for her input into a routine?

Be prepared with when you want and what are your non negotiable things like dinner with the family for example.

Write something together.

No name calling
No violent out bursts
If she makes a mess she clears it up.

Ask her what consequences should look like.

Give her the control but over things you want.

Make it a bit different from a lecture. Use postit notes and have a chart with non negotiable, negotiable etc.

At the same time you can talk about rewards and family time. Things she want to do like trampoline park or something.

I agree with others about finding out more about these 'friends' and what is happening. Rochdale should be a cautionary tale much like MM.

She's probably a little overwhelmed as well as she's been out all the time this last week, sounds like it was too much. My ds, 9, can throw a strop if he has to leave his friends outside to come to shop etc I think adding in more family time so a good chunk of the day is closed off to just being outside would work well. Definitely agree with no consequences mid rage. The Explosive Child is a good read, and a quick one too.

The judgement on MN is awful. You can be the best patent every but if your child has undiagnosed needs it makes little difference. If this difficulty in regulating emotion had been looking term, it is likely she had ADD which is very under diagnosed in girls. My DD has just been assessed at 18 because she previously refused to be labelled. Her behaviour was very like you describe. DH and I are both placid and don't sweat and we were called all the names under the sun. Health visitor told me to avoid escalating sanctions but to try and chat when calm about what triggers her and what she needed me to do when she felt like that, which was generally to give her space until calm.
I think at her age you may need the assessment to start via school so maybe worth speaking to the SENCO.