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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To do a party without DH and ask him to stay away for a week?

59 replies

dontyouworrychild · 08/08/2021 12:21

I really don't know if I abu or not. I can't turn voting on because I'm on the app.

DH has a hobby that he's not been able to do for a long time because of covid. It's a big number of people (thousands) attending sort of thing. There is an event coming up in a couple of weeks which coincides with our sons birthday (well it's the day after). Sons birthday party (family only and first one that he will remember) is due to be on that day.

Now, if the event was in the UK I wouldn't have an issue with him going, I'd prefer that he didn't but would be ok with it and I would just move the birthday party to the following day (Sunday). But. The event is in a currently amber list country. I know if he goes my family won't want to be around him the following day because of the risk that they'll need to isolate if he brings it back, and he'll need to be quarantining anyway so I don't even think we can do it. Some have small children going back to or starting school the following week (as do we!) some don't get paid for time off, one is a teacher due back to work the following week and two are emergency services so really don't want to be isolating! We cannot do birthday party on the actual birthday because that is a weekday and family members are at work.

We actually think the event may be rescheduled in which case this is a non issue. But in the event that it's not and he goes I have said to DH that actually I am going to have the party on the Saturday with our families and without him, and I would prefer it if he kept away for a week after because I really don't want him to bringing covid back and disrupting our children starting/returning to school. I'm not particularly worried about becoming unwell, we're all doubled jabbed (apart from the children obvs) but our children have SEN and their transitions to their new classes have been carefully planned in line with EHCPs. If they have to miss the first week or two of school it's going to be a total bloody nightmare and will really set my eldest back.

DH is cross and says I'm ridiculous and that I can't have a birthday party for our son without him and he's not keeping away missing our youngest son first day at school (I think he'd have to anyway, because quarantine!) We could pick up covid anywhere - including school. Which is true, we're not staying closeted at home but we aren't doing mass events, we're doing a lot of outdoor stuff we're continuing to wear masks. Just generally behaving sensibly and cautiously.

I just don't feel that travelling to an amber list country for a jolly at the moment is a good idea, especially considering it'll be so close to school start, and I don't think if he chooses to then I'm in the wrong for doing our sons party without him and asking him to stay away for a bit. He disagrees. Who is UR?

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/08/2021 12:25

He obviously needs to not go.

Rainbowshit · 08/08/2021 12:25

Hmm you both are a bit. Personally I'm with you and think he shouldn't go for covid reasons not just the birthday. Can see his point though that he should be at any party. Could you not do the party before your DH goes? Sounds like yiur DC is still pretty small and it won't matter too much how close the party is to their actual birthday.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 08/08/2021 12:31

YABU. You can't ask him not to see his children for a week, miss his childs party, and his childs first day at school because he wants to do something he is now allowed to do. You can think he's being an idiot going, and you can be pissed off about it. But it's a choice he can make, and you can't stop him seeing his children over it.

Original poster
dontyouworrychild · 08/08/2021 12:33

@Rainbowshit

Hmm you both are a bit. Personally I'm with you and think he shouldn't go for covid reasons not just the birthday. Can see his point though that he should be at any party. Could you not do the party before your DH goes? Sounds like yiur DC is still pretty small and it won't matter too much how close the party is to their actual birthday.
We can't do it the weekend before because it's another family members birthday and they've already got a party planned. And son is old enough to know it's not his birthday two weeks later etc.
OP posts:
Dozer · 08/08/2021 12:36

YANBU not to reschedule the family party. It was arranged before your H’s trip and as you say other attendees might not want to mingle with DH.

I don’t keep up with all the rules etc, but it sounds like for travel, ‘quarantine’ on return in a hotel is NOT required, just staying at home? Not affecting other family members’ ability to be out and about etc?

Think YABU to think he’ll ‘bring covid back’, any more than if he attended UK events.

rainbowunicorn · 08/08/2021 12:37

If he is double jabbed more than 2 weeks he does not have to quarantine. He will need to test and complete a passenger locator form etc.
If it is after 16th Aug only a person with a positive covid test will need to self isolate.
Children and vaccinated people will not have to isolate as contacts so if your main concern is disruption due to potential isolating then it is less likely to be an issue.

Dozer · 08/08/2021 12:38

DH is U to argue that you ‘can’t’ have DC’s family party without him (ie reschedule at inconvenience to you and attendees)

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/08/2021 12:41

He says I can't have a birthday party for our son without him

But he's the one who's planning on not being there! Entirely his choice. He misses the event and stays for his child's birthday or he goes to the event, quarantines (legal requirement, not a choice) and misses out on the party.

I think you're being entirely reasonable to be honest.

Dozer · 08/08/2021 12:42

OP isn’t being reasonable asking him to stay away for a week on return from the event.

NoSquirrels · 08/08/2021 12:49

I think he’s being unreasonable.

Have the party without him. It’s planned, don’t change that now.

Is HE going to be the one disrupted by your SEN children having their return to school messed up if anything happened? If not, then I think you’re within your rights to ask him to consider this. It’s not about him, anyway. And youngest’s first day of school isn’t a thing, is it? I’ve never understood why people make it a family day out - low-key off you go, see you this afternoon is better than a big performance for a 4 year old anyway.

He’s got the choice not to go this year. I understand he’d like to but I think he’s being a bit cake-and-eat-it - it’s fine for him to go but there are consequences, unfortunately for him. He needs to be considerate of the whole family/wider community.

Original poster
dontyouworrychild · 08/08/2021 12:53

It's not so much about the youngest's first day at school being a 'big thing' or a family day out. It's more about that it's likely to be challenging as a result of the SEN, and after school that week will be challenging too, for both of them (change to routine). It'd be easier if he could be there to come as support - but I'd rather do it myself than him put us or other at higher risk of needing to isolate or contracting covid.

Do people really not think it likely that he'll pick it up going to a mass indoor event in an amber list country? Really?

OP posts:
bluebeck · 08/08/2021 12:54

YANBU

Time for him to show you what his priorities are.

Original poster
dontyouworrychild · 08/08/2021 12:55

And no, it'll be me dealing with the disruption because he will be working (from home). I will be dealing with the children and doing any homeschooling.

OP posts:
Auntienumber8 · 08/08/2021 12:57

Your DH is being unreasonable, it’s pretty clear cut. I mean I can’t see my family as flights from the UK are still not allowed in and haven’t seen them for almost two years. Assuming his hobby is marathon running or something similar.

Auntienumber8 · 08/08/2021 12:58

Sorry just seen it’s an indoor event, that makes it far riskier.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/08/2021 13:00

YANBU. If he won’t cancel, go with your plan. It sounds like the first day is a big thing with your dcs.

My dd was always like this with transitions into a new class when younger. Angry, tearful and argumentative because she was afraid. She was also terribly upset on transition days at the end of the year. No way would I mess up the start of the year if I could help it.

Some people on here don’t comprehend what a big deal things are especially to children and yours have ASD.

HundredMilesAnHour · 08/08/2021 13:03

I think you're both being a bit unreasonable. Why don't you have the party on the previous weekend instead? Yes, I know a family member is already has a birthday party then but that won't take up the entire weekend surely?

ImprobablePuffin · 08/08/2021 13:04

I thought you didn't have to quarantine if you're double jabbed.

FatAnneTheDealer · 08/08/2021 13:05

Most amber list countries have lower Covid rates than the UK, and the rules are nuts. If he is double jabbed he won’t have to isolate, though he will have to have a Fit to Fly test (proving he’s neg on the day) and a Day 2 test after arrival.

Having said that, even double jabbed I would not go to a mass indoor event in any country. The Delta variant is very contagious. There is not much likelihood of serious disease for the vaccinated, but infection and spread is a real risk for an indoor mass event.

If he really wants to go is a compromise possible where he stays away from you until neg Day 2 test and the party is scheduled around that?

Original poster
dontyouworrychild · 08/08/2021 13:05

@HundredMilesAnHour

I think you're both being a bit unreasonable. Why don't you have the party on the previous weekend instead? Yes, I know a family member is already has a birthday party then but that won't take up the entire weekend surely?
It does. We're away for the weekend because of the family members birthday gathering.
OP posts:
ImprobablePuffin · 08/08/2021 13:07

Sorry I do realise I'm missing the point slightly with my other comment.

I mean it would be easier if he didn't go but you are both double jabbed so I would think it unlikely he'll come home riddled with covid

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 08/08/2021 13:13

Do people really not think it likely that he'll pick it up going to a mass indoor event in an amber list country? Really?

Obvioulsy with the little amount of information available it's impossible to judge but Amber list country doesn't mean 100% chance of getting covid

The list isn't some scientifically determined thing and the risk of catching covid is impossible to determine in any situation.

Cuddlyrottweiler · 08/08/2021 13:13

I think if he wants to go to his child's birthday party he needs to not plan himself a holiday/hobby on his child's birthday.
Why should someone's birthday be moved because it clashes with their dad's hobby?

Original poster
dontyouworrychild · 08/08/2021 13:14

@ImprobablePuffin

Sorry I do realise I'm missing the point slightly with my other comment.

I mean it would be easier if he didn't go but you are both double jabbed so I would think it unlikely he'll come home riddled with covid

I thought you did have to but it seems after mid- August you won't have to. So I've learned that today!

Regardless though I know some of my family (and some of his) will say thanks but no thanks (and feel bloody awkward about having to do so to boot) to an invite from someone who returned home from an amber list country the day before so it's pointless trying to do it on the Sunday. They won't want to take the risk and I can't say I blame them.

OP posts:
rainbowunicorn · 08/08/2021 13:14

The UK has higher rates of covid than many of the amber list countries so he is as likely to pick it up at the birthday gathering in he UK that you mention the previous week as he is abroad.

Again the rules change on the 16th so many of the reasons you are giving won't come into it. The only reason that you would need to home school is if one of your DC actually had covid and was well enough for doing some school work.Your DP won't have to quarantine and none of you will have to self isolate unless you are actually positive for covid.