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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To do a party without DH and ask him to stay away for a week?

59 replies

dontyouworrychild · 08/08/2021 12:21

I really don't know if I abu or not. I can't turn voting on because I'm on the app.

DH has a hobby that he's not been able to do for a long time because of covid. It's a big number of people (thousands) attending sort of thing. There is an event coming up in a couple of weeks which coincides with our sons birthday (well it's the day after). Sons birthday party (family only and first one that he will remember) is due to be on that day.

Now, if the event was in the UK I wouldn't have an issue with him going, I'd prefer that he didn't but would be ok with it and I would just move the birthday party to the following day (Sunday). But. The event is in a currently amber list country. I know if he goes my family won't want to be around him the following day because of the risk that they'll need to isolate if he brings it back, and he'll need to be quarantining anyway so I don't even think we can do it. Some have small children going back to or starting school the following week (as do we!) some don't get paid for time off, one is a teacher due back to work the following week and two are emergency services so really don't want to be isolating! We cannot do birthday party on the actual birthday because that is a weekday and family members are at work.

We actually think the event may be rescheduled in which case this is a non issue. But in the event that it's not and he goes I have said to DH that actually I am going to have the party on the Saturday with our families and without him, and I would prefer it if he kept away for a week after because I really don't want him to bringing covid back and disrupting our children starting/returning to school. I'm not particularly worried about becoming unwell, we're all doubled jabbed (apart from the children obvs) but our children have SEN and their transitions to their new classes have been carefully planned in line with EHCPs. If they have to miss the first week or two of school it's going to be a total bloody nightmare and will really set my eldest back.

DH is cross and says I'm ridiculous and that I can't have a birthday party for our son without him and he's not keeping away missing our youngest son first day at school (I think he'd have to anyway, because quarantine!) We could pick up covid anywhere - including school. Which is true, we're not staying closeted at home but we aren't doing mass events, we're doing a lot of outdoor stuff we're continuing to wear masks. Just generally behaving sensibly and cautiously.

I just don't feel that travelling to an amber list country for a jolly at the moment is a good idea, especially considering it'll be so close to school start, and I don't think if he chooses to then I'm in the wrong for doing our sons party without him and asking him to stay away for a bit. He disagrees. Who is UR?

OP posts:
DancesWithTortoises · 08/08/2021 13:15

If he goes then he will prove he's a selfish prick, OP.

Not something I'd find easy to forgive.

pussycatlickinglollyices · 08/08/2021 13:16

He has a simple choice.

He chooses his child and attends the birthday party

or

He fucks off to his "hobby" and stays clear of you and the kids/family etc and misses the party.

It's really up to him to choose to be an adult.

Original poster
dontyouworrychild · 08/08/2021 13:16

@Cuddlyrottweiler

I think if he wants to go to his child's birthday party he needs to not plan himself a holiday/hobby on his child's birthday. Why should someone's birthday be moved because it clashes with their dad's hobby?
It's usually a once yearly event (there are others of the same hobby but this specific event) that's been rescheduled from last year. So he can go to things similar later on, but not this one specific thing if it goes ahead.

I'm still hoping it gets rescheduled again (to hopefully next spring when it usually takes place!).

OP posts:
BillyIsMyBunny · 08/08/2021 13:16

YANBU. If he doesn’t want to miss the party then he doesn’t have to go to the event. If it was something essential such as a work commitment I’d say that you should work around him but it’s just a hobby, no ones forcing him to go and he should really be making the decision to cancel considering the disruption a positive covid test would cause for the family.

user1493494961 · 08/08/2021 13:17

I'm with you OP.

Original poster
dontyouworrychild · 08/08/2021 13:18

@rainbowunicorn

The UK has higher rates of covid than many of the amber list countries so he is as likely to pick it up at the birthday gathering in he UK that you mention the previous week as he is abroad.

Again the rules change on the 16th so many of the reasons you are giving won't come into it. The only reason that you would need to home school is if one of your DC actually had covid and was well enough for doing some school work.Your DP won't have to quarantine and none of you will have to self isolate unless you are actually positive for covid.

Well he's not really as likely to pick it up the week before because there will be ten family members (including us four) at the birthday gathering and we'll be mostly outside having a bbq and even if it rains there are gazebos and stuff. This versus an indoor event with ten thousand people there?
OP posts:
Monkeybusinesss · 08/08/2021 13:18

Why on Earth do you think he’s more likely to get covid if he goes abroad.
He’s more likely to get covid here, so asking him to stay away for a week because of some irrational thinking isn’t on.
But aside from that he sounds like a dick

Monkeybusinesss · 08/08/2021 13:20

Oh an indoor event. Ok. I change my mind.

UserStillatLarge · 08/08/2021 13:21

I don't think it's selfish to want to go at a yearly event that actually hasn't taken place for 2 years.
Have a party for you, DH and DC on the actual birthday and have the family party when DH is away.
Is the gathering the weekend before for your side of the family or his? If yours, then you could possibly even separate out into a family party for your side of the family while DH is away, and the other side of the family when DH is back. No 4 year old is going to care about having multiple parties!

You are being totally unreasonable to expect him to isolate for a week afterward his holiday. It's far more likely your child will catch Covid at school.

CanofCant · 08/08/2021 13:21

Yeah, he is BVU.

billy1966 · 08/08/2021 13:22

@pussycatlickinglollyices

He has a simple choice.

He chooses his child and attends the birthday party

or

He fucks off to his "hobby" and stays clear of you and the kids/family etc and misses the party.

It's really up to him to choose to be an adult.

This.

He sounds like selfish arse.

rainbowunicorn · 08/08/2021 13:23

That's the thing though, he or you or the kids could get it anywhere from anyone. Your entire argument against his going and then being at the party seems to be based on out of date information. With regards to Amber list countries, the UK has far higher rates and less restrictions than many of them so you are as likely to pick it up here as anywhere.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/08/2021 13:27

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

He obviously needs to not go.
This.

Of course it's important to him to be at his son's birthday party and see the first day of school etc, so he's going to have to suck it up and NOT go on his trip to an amber country this time, isn't he.

If he can't understand that, then he's monumentally selfish.

Original poster
dontyouworrychild · 08/08/2021 13:28

@UserStillatLarge

I don't think it's selfish to want to go at a yearly event that actually hasn't taken place for 2 years. Have a party for you, DH and DC on the actual birthday and have the family party when DH is away. Is the gathering the weekend before for your side of the family or his? If yours, then you could possibly even separate out into a family party for your side of the family while DH is away, and the other side of the family when DH is back. No 4 year old is going to care about having multiple parties!

You are being totally unreasonable to expect him to isolate for a week afterward his holiday. It's far more likely your child will catch Covid at school.

I don't think it's selfish in general either. As I said I'm hoping it's rescheduled so that he can go at a (hopefully safer) and more convenient time. He normally goes every year and I don't mind at all.

Family birthday the week before is his side. We're travelling to them for the weekend and they will be coming to us the following week for DSs birthday party, with my family too. And oh hell no would his family member share their birthday gathering with DS (too long a story, but no!).

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 08/08/2021 13:28

If he is double jabbed then mid August he won't need to quarantine.

Most Amber list countries have covid rates lower than the UK.

There is no logical or legal reason for him not to go to the party.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 08/08/2021 13:34

He's choosing to go to his hobby event rather than be around for the party! And yes, I know he's missed out on things, but who hasn't? Still doesn't mean you now automatically get everything your way, especially as a parent of a young child.

LunaMuffinTop · 08/08/2021 13:42

YANBU if he wants to go then he has to accept that means he misses the birthday party and he should isolate somewhere else when he gets back does he really want to risk giving you and your children COVID.

Dishwashersaurous · 08/08/2021 13:44

IF IT IS AFTER MID AUGUST THEN HE DOESN'T NEED TO ISOLATE.

so in what way is he being selfish?

Notonthestairs · 08/08/2021 13:47

So are there two issues? One is that your family won't want to attend if he's just back from wherever. That's their decision.

So if you move the party to the Sunday it will be reduced group and less of a party.

And 2 - you are concerned that indoor event of 10k people might lead to him picking up covid and potentially impacting SN child return to school.

I'd be much more concerned about the second issue and ask him not to attend. Fully appreciate that it might seem extreme but having experience of managing transitions for my SN child means I do my best to mitigate wherever I can. We are socialising now but will wind it down week before return to school - of course we may still pick it up (Sod's law and all that) but I will at least do my best to get them in for Day 1.

GiveMeAUserName123 · 08/08/2021 13:50

His right, but the answer is to not go. He can’t go then come back putting everyone at risk.

The answer is too not go, his choice if he decides it better than his sons party and first day at school.

twinningatlife · 08/08/2021 13:51

To be honest I think YABU - clear you don't want him to go so making it impossible for him to do so

Neverrains · 08/08/2021 13:54

We’re off to amber list country tomorrow to see family we haven’t seen for nearly 2 years. Arrive back the day before the children go back to school. The country we’re going to has far lower Covid rates than here, and stricter restrictions (masks still worn everywhere etc).
To be honest it sounds like you just don’t want him to go.

Dishwashersaurous · 08/08/2021 13:58

But if the genuine concern is catching covid and that impacting starting school then none of you should be having parties, seeing people or doing anything.

BeenThruMoreThanALilBit · 08/08/2021 14:03

It’s a choice between HOBBY and jeopardise SMOOTH SCHOOL START FOR SEN KIDS AND POTENTIALLY DISRUPT LIFE FOR BIRTHDAY ATTENDEES.

He sounds really quite petulant and immature. For a hobby? Really?

CBroads · 08/08/2021 14:14

YABU - How many people have you come into contact with at local supermarkets etc that have been to mass events since we opened back up? Most likely thousands, especially with the euros etc.

Are you going to live your life in fear forever? Because covid isn't going away. You can't ask your child's father to miss his child's birthday because he's going to a mass event, it's ridiculous.