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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed at DH for staying out this late!

84 replies

Dandy008 · 08/08/2021 03:46

5pm tonight DH gets a call from his friend inviting him to the pub.

DH arranged to meet his friend at 7pm for a “few drinks”.

Fast forward to nearly 4am and DH still isn’t home.

It’s the 3rd time in 4 weeks that he has been out drinking and it’s never just been “a few drinks”

A few weeks ago he was out overnight in Newcastle and in two weeks he will be out on an overnight stag weekend.

I don’t meant to sound like a nag, or his mother…

But we have an 18 month old child, and I don’t feel like DH is acting as if we do.

Since DC was born I’ve had one night out.
I met some friends for lunch at 12pm and I was back home by 6pm.

I’m assuming DH has gone into town as the pub he was going to shuts at 1am.

I feel like I’m really starting to resent him with how he’s behaving.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 08/08/2021 08:55

I would just get on with my day.
No keeping things quiet because he has a hangover.
Wait a day or two and then ask if he thinks it is ok to behave like that. Along with playing him the recording of how he spoke to you.

If he says yes, then arrange a night out for yourself next weekend and stay out all night at short notice and refuse to get out of bed the next day.

RealBecca · 08/08/2021 09:01

OF COURSE he's being shitty with you. Of course hes calling you a nag and controlling, to keep you in your box and make you feel like youre at fault.

Because otherwise he has to say sorry. Seriously raise the bar. This is the sort of behaviour we all deal with when we have relationships in our twenties before we realise we dont have to.

Life is literally harder for you today and last night by being in a relationahip with him. So make the relationship work for you or kick him out.

RampantIvy · 08/08/2021 09:01

@VeganCow

You can't control how he behaves and responds to you but you can change how you deal with him. If he is staggering around drunk being horrible then why are you still there letting your toddler see this? I would go out, grab a few things and find a local Premier Inn or bnb if need be just for some breathing space. And don't contact him but wait until he contacts you. Tell him you're only coming home if he agrees to discuss calmly and sensibly with some respect. Then tell him if it happens again you're off for good. Can he really believe that vomiting in the hall is how a good husband and father behaves? Ask him that.
This ^^ is really good advice. He needs to grow up, step up as a parent and stop behaving like an irresponsible single man.

You aren't ruining his life, he is ruining yours.

lazylinguist · 08/08/2021 09:02

He sounds like a disgusting, selfish pig. You need to tell him once he's sober that this is not happening again, otherwise he will be out on his ear.

RealBecca · 08/08/2021 09:03

And dont play games, just give him a clear understanding of your expectations and hold yourself to them. Youll get a better relationship that way. Single is better than this

MyriadeOfThings · 08/08/2021 09:24

@VeganCow

You can't control how he behaves and responds to you but you can change how you deal with him. If he is staggering around drunk being horrible then why are you still there letting your toddler see this? I would go out, grab a few things and find a local Premier Inn or bnb if need be just for some breathing space. And don't contact him but wait until he contacts you. Tell him you're only coming home if he agrees to discuss calmly and sensibly with some respect. Then tell him if it happens again you're off for good. Can he really believe that vomiting in the hall is how a good husband and father behaves? Ask him that.
That

If you continue to tell him off and ‘nag’ esp when he is still drunk, the only thing that will come out is you as ‘the baddy’.
He clearly has no idea what responsibilities are associated with being a father. Eg he is assuming you will be the one to look after the toddler by default. He hasnt asked you if it was ok, just assumed he can let go of his responsibility (probably because he doesn’t see himself as responsible).

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 08/08/2021 09:35

OP, you need to tell him he needs to stop doing this, and why (not that you should need to explain it to him, but hearing you say it before you actually follow through might help.). Tell him and then if he still does it again leave him. That really is all you can do. It sucks and it isn't fair but when you have a partner who doesn't care about you or their child when they do this all you can do is make a choice between two. You stay and just know it will keep happening, because they don't care and will blame you, and the house will be depressing and angry, and your child will grow up in that, because even if he only does it once a fortnight you'll hate him for it and it will ruin more of your family life. Then you can leave them so you don't have to live in a family where your partner does this. You cant make him stop, so if asking him and telling him doesn't help it is just a choice to stay or leave him.

RandomMess · 08/08/2021 09:38

Did he go out drinking like this before you had DC?

Royalbloo · 08/08/2021 09:44

My experience is 100% the same as justwondering21 it's much better now he's not here. He's just at the pub getting smashed and moaning instead!

SofaSpuds · 08/08/2021 09:45

You are not a controlling wife because you don't want your husband coming home pissed at 4.30am and puking in the hall.
Go out for the day and stay away with friends or family for the night, if you can.
And definitely DO NOT clean up the vomit!
The worst thing about all this, is him turning it all back on you.

LagunaBubbles · 08/08/2021 09:48

Why are you putting up with this? It won't get any better.

Dorisbonson · 08/08/2021 09:49

Id make him clean that mess up and spend the day with his family doing family things. He shouldn't get to sleep his hangover off and shouldn't get any sympathy.

Whatwouldscullydo · 08/08/2021 10:00

Urgh sounds rough op.

Hes checking out of parenthood whenever he wants. It wasn't just the night he's made it so he's basically going to be out if action for at least 48 hours. Possibly more.

He thinks it's acceptable that he won't he in a fit state to look after his chikd. When he took the drinks that turned him from.tipsy into puking wreck he was made a choice to not even give a shit how it affects you or what plans you might have ir who's going going be looking after a child that's his too.

This night has just revealed his attitude tbh. Whether ir not he ever does it again he thinks looking after the kid is your job. Its up to you if you want to live like that Flowers

WinterRose92 · 08/08/2021 10:03

What a selfish idiot.

Original poster
Dandy008 · 08/08/2021 10:16

@RandomMess

Did he go out drinking like this before you had DC?
@RandomMess

Yes he did. But that was never an issue because we didn’t have the responsibility of a child.

I used to go out drinking until the early hours too.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/08/2021 10:19

Why did you expect him to become a different person when you had DC? Was it even discussed before TTC?

Original poster
Dandy008 · 08/08/2021 10:23

@RandomMess

Why did you expect him to become a different person when you had DC? Was it even discussed before TTC?
@RandomMess

Yes, of course it was.

My brother has a reputation of being like this with his wife & kids and my DH has always slated him for it…🙄

Why wouldn’t I expect him to be any different after having a child?

OP posts:
acolderwar · 08/08/2021 10:24

@RandomMess

Why did you expect him to become a different person when you had DC? Was it even discussed before TTC?
I'm sure she reasonably assumed that his lifestyle would change, like any normal parent.

Having been in a relationship with a man like this, OP, I feel sad reading your posts and just wanted to say that it's such a relief not having to deal with this shit any longer.

LemonKitten · 08/08/2021 10:24

You can't negotiate with a drunk person so don't even try. I agree with PP - go out, maybe get a B&B or something if you can afford it and wait for him to contact you (which may not be today as he has to sober up and get over his hangover / feeling sorry for himself) then state your case.

tigerbreadandtea · 08/08/2021 10:41

Why have you only had one night out in 18 months?

GreenTeaBlackCoffeeAndRedWine · 08/08/2021 10:46

I'd be tempted to take myself and my child off for the day and have a lovely night away by ourselves (if you can afford)

Don't give him the slightest bit of sympathy. None at all.

Original poster
Dandy008 · 08/08/2021 10:47

@tigerbreadandtea

Why have you only had one night out in 18 months?
@tigerbreadandtea

Not rally sure how that’s relevant, but there’s several reasons why.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dandy008 · 08/08/2021 10:47

@GreenTeaBlackCoffeeAndRedWine

I'd be tempted to take myself and my child off for the day and have a lovely night away by ourselves (if you can afford)

Don't give him the slightest bit of sympathy. None at all.

@GreenTeaBlackCoffeeAndRedWine

If it wasn’t for having to go to work tomorrow, then I would do this!

OP posts:
bluebeck · 08/08/2021 10:49

I couldn't live like this. YANBU Flowers

FlatteredFool · 08/08/2021 10:51

I'm my experience this won't improve with time, the resentment will just grow on both sides. My exH thought I was controlling I'm not wanting him to behave like this 🙄 He wants to behave like he's single and child-free, show him the door.