Boyfriend was nasty last night whilst drunk

[SarahUK128]

We're both 26, we have been together 2 years and we don't live together.

So he went out last night.
I was fast asleep and I had a phone call at 1am.
I answered because I worry with early morning calls Incase it's an emergency.
He sounded really angry and he said he was walking home but he was completely drunk to the point he didn't make sense.

I was telling him I was tired.
He then started spouting about how I'm useless and that I'm not good for anything.
I told him to talk to me when he wants to speak to me properly and hung up.

He then rang back apologising and saying he's had a rubbish night.
Then he turned nasty again. Saying once again that I'm useless and a failed and that I can't do anything.

This really upset me as I've been recently Job hunting and finding it hard to be successful so I'm currently with a care agency.
He knows I've recently expressed how I'm feeling quite "stuck" in life so hearing these words really upset me.
I didn't get upset on the phone but I hung up and went back to sleep.

He called me this morning apologising a lot saying he was just really drunk and didn't mean any of it and how he loves.me to pieces etc. The usual stuff.

But I can't stop thinking about the words he used last night.
When you've had so many job rejections, you naturally get a feeling of "nobody wants me", so to hear my own boyfriend, albeit drunk, call me useless hurt.

Whilst sober, he's the most loving person and usually when drunk he's great too.
I never have a bad word to say about him which I suppose is why last night shocked me.

[quote PopcornMuncher]@LemonKitten the OPs partner has abused her and you think she should give him another chance? [/quote]
I'm sorry, I don't see it as abuse - he's been a tit, used what she thinks about herself against her, and was thoroughly out of order, yes. Abuse? Nah, sorry.

@MintMatchmaker

I always believed drunk people speak the truth.

However, it turns out I am a horrendous drunk and I say things that I most definitely don’t think. In some cases I’ve said things that are very much removed from what I believe. I no longer drink.

This is part of the reason I very rarely drink. When I was younger and drank, I would say nasty things for a reaction. Was always mortified the next day and ruined a friendship before I realised and stopped - I didn't have a problem with drinking per se, but I'm an awful drunk.

Sorry though, OP. He was a dick either way :(

I think what your boyfriend did was horrible.

But it's been pretty much proven that the folk wisdom regarding alcohol is wrong - drunk speech is NOT necessarily sober thoughts, that's complete bull, alcohol can very much change a person's personality and behaviour. Not of course that that excuses it or absolves him of responsibility, but it is very likely that he, while sober, does NOT think you are useless.

@Aquamarine1029

In vino veritas. This would be the end for me.

I came onto say this. It may take alcohol to bring out someone's true character, but it's there.

Many many times people have posted things they’ve said or done when drunk that they totally didn’t mean.

They’re women, so it’s always “oh that’s so funny”. Never that it must absolutely be true.

He was out of order, not necessarily truthful

It might have been the first time he said it but won’t be the last time. Drunk or not, it’s never ok to be nasty. He rang you back more than once to keep on being horrible to you and hurt your feelings. What a cunt.

If he was blackout drunk and couldn't remember what he said, that would be one thing. Probably indicative of an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, but normal people talk nonsense in that state abs don't even know where they are.

The fact that he remembers what he said and called you to have a go at you is not good, and like others, I'd be inclined to think he had this on his mind and it's come out in a nasty way. It could be a pattern of behaviour if you don't nip it in the bud. If you don't want to end the relationship, you have to make it clear that you won't accept this ever again and take a bit of time away from him and really show him how serious this is. If it's something that's happened before or he doesn't really seem sorry when pressed on the subject (an apology the next day is usually done to relieve guilt and manage any potential fallout), then it's time to call it a day.

He knew you were feeling low about looking for work and then when drunk and in a bad mood, targets you using this as his line of attack? Run and don't look back.

If he has done it once, he will do it again. Each time he will applogise and be back to his usual charming loving self, and each time you will tell yourself 'one more chance', etc. Drunk or not, nobody has the right to make you feel like that.

Get out now. He has shown you who hw really is, and how he handles his drink. In the future, at social occasions if someone annoys him or he isn't enjoying himself, is he just going to kick off at you? Who wants a future with someone like that?

He showed you who he is. Don't believe that line that he didn't mean what he said because he was drunk - people lose their ability to filter what they are saying when they're drunk and I believe that's when you hear the truth. Huge red flag. Sorry OP - you can do better and find a loving partner who builds you up not kicks you when you're down

Typical drunk behaviour. Don’t tolerate it. Get shot of him now before it’s too late.

I'm sorry, I don't see it as abuse - he's been a tit, used what she thinks about herself against her, and was thoroughly out of order, yes. Abuse? Nah, sorry.

It’s abuse. Your bar is way too low.

Well isn't he a nasty piece of work.

Waking his girlfriend to abuse her because he had a shit night.

He has shown you EXACTLY who he is.

If you stay with that piece of shit, don't EVER pretend you didn't know EXACTLY who he was.

You will be a very silly woman to accept this and continue in a relationship with him.

The only time I ever said nasty personal things to a partner when drunk was when I was actually unhappy in the relationship, but didn't know how to communicate this and end it. I was young and immature, but my behaviour was still inexcusable. I cringe now thinking back, but have to admit there was 'truth' in what I was saying to him. My poor ex-BF put up with me being a right dick for a bit and denying there was any issue. He would have been wise to dump me.

The only time I was on the receiving end of similar drunken abuse, I walked immediately. Had grown up a bit by that point and it was a v wise decision as I watched from a distance that ex behaving worse to other people over the years.

OP, I too think you deserve better.

Also OP, what happened in his night out that made him angry and feel the need to call you and take it out on you?

Has he explained why he had a rubbish night? I'd be interested to know what went wrong for him....

Dump. Him. Now.

Does it even matter whether he meant what he said or not? He woke you up at 1am and was verbally abusive to you, and in a way that he knew would really hurt you. You shouldn’t have to put up with that.

I'm sorry, I don't see it as abuse - he's been a tit, used what she thinks about herself against her, and was thoroughly out of order, yes. Abuse? Nah, sorry.

Well you should see it as absue because waking up someone you "love" to rant at them IS abuse.

It was the first time but it won't be the only time.

This is a red flag moment.

I had a bf like this. It ended after 7 years but he was horrible when drunk. I always brushed it off as it became the norm. I’d maybe have a very in-depth discussion with him and tell him if it happens again then it’s over. If he does it again then he will do it over and over. Nip it in the bud the now.

Drunks tell the truth!

Run from this relationship, it seems you’re only good enough for now, he’s told you his real thoughts on the relationship.

Leave. Life is too short for someone who puts you down about something you're trying hard to turn around.