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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend was nasty last night whilst drunk

96 replies

SarahUK128 · 07/08/2021 23:38

We're both 26, we have been together 2 years and we don't live together.

So he went out last night.
I was fast asleep and I had a phone call at 1am.
I answered because I worry with early morning calls Incase it's an emergency.
He sounded really angry and he said he was walking home but he was completely drunk to the point he didn't make sense.

I was telling him I was tired.
He then started spouting about how I'm useless and that I'm not good for anything.
I told him to talk to me when he wants to speak to me properly and hung up.

He then rang back apologising and saying he's had a rubbish night.
Then he turned nasty again. Saying once again that I'm useless and a failed and that I can't do anything.

This really upset me as I've been recently Job hunting and finding it hard to be successful so I'm currently with a care agency.
He knows I've recently expressed how I'm feeling quite "stuck" in life so hearing these words really upset me.
I didn't get upset on the phone but I hung up and went back to sleep.

He called me this morning apologising a lot saying he was just really drunk and didn't mean any of it and how he loves.me to pieces etc. The usual stuff.

But I can't stop thinking about the words he used last night.
When you've had so many job rejections, you naturally get a feeling of "nobody wants me", so to hear my own boyfriend, albeit drunk, call me useless hurt.

Whilst sober, he's the most loving person and usually when drunk he's great too.
I never have a bad word to say about him which I suppose is why last night shocked me.

OP posts:
PieceOfString · 08/08/2021 06:34

@SarahUK128

Yeah but I don't understand where that "somewhere" was. It seemed so out of character! Blush
You now know him a bit more deeply then you did before. Only when you've seen how someone behaves in all situations (stressed out, really pissed, had good news, had bad news etc etc) do you actually know a person. Alcohol causes inhibitions to drop revealing what's behind... Now you know.
PopcornMuncher · 08/08/2021 06:37

As pp says in vino veritas.

Imagine your future. You're going on a night out together with friends. Do you look forward to the chance to a good night out or will you be worried sick about what nasty shit your BF is going to come out with?

This is such an easy choice especially since you don't live together. Tell him it's not working out and block. This is the real him. Do not be swayed by profuse apologies/flowers/OTT messages of undying love

PopcornMuncher · 08/08/2021 06:39

And the fact that he thinks it's okay to wake you up from sleep to berate you is a huge red flag

PieceOfString · 08/08/2021 06:43

Sorry to hear you're feeling stuck in life and have had job rejections. Maybe this is a good time to step back from the treadmill and have a think about what you could do to shake things up a bit and create a future you would be excited about.

PieceOfString · 08/08/2021 06:44

@PopcornMuncher

And the fact that he thinks it's okay to wake you up from sleep to berate you is a huge red flag
Totally!
gannett · 08/08/2021 06:47

There's something particularly nasty about specifically aiming at someone's deepest insecurities like that. Your partner should be uplifting you, not pushing you back down.

The most important thing is that I'd always remember what he'd said. It doesn't matter whether he really meant it or not, it'd cut too deep to forget. After only two years and not living together, this is easily a dumping offence.

Liverbird77 · 08/08/2021 06:49

He'd drunk the old truth serum. I'd get out now before you become connected by shared finances/mortgage/kids.

Highflyingadored · 08/08/2021 06:55

I used to be 2 different types of drunk, hyper happy and depressed crying. It was all dependant on my current inner feelings and mood and at the stage of my life (recent break up, loving life etc) however my mood was just heightened by the drink and the evenings conversation may sway my mood.

I am wondering if he was having conversations with his mates about you, how you were feeling stuck etc and they fed him some of these thoughts, perhaps backed up with that their GFs were in Jobs they love etc which as the drink took hold got stuck in a loop in his head and gave him those thoughts.

It doesnt make it right and I would be contemplating wanting to end things with him but may explain why he did it if it feels out of character

PatchworkElmer · 08/08/2021 06:56

End it, OP

OldPodge · 08/08/2021 07:02

Stupid boyfriend aside. I just wanted to say care work is extremely important work. I for one would never undervalue anyone who does that. I know the pay is rubbish and the kudos is low, but hold your head up high, what you do is valuable.

rejectedcarrit · 08/08/2021 07:46

It might not feel like it, but you are young and you will meet someone else if you choose to break up. If you stay with him you may well encounter this side of his personality again.
You now know that he gets so drunk he loses control which is very hard to live with long term - as another poster said, on a night out you'll be nervous about how things will play out later. What's very very likely is that he believes what he was spouting last night deep down - or he's up for a bit of casual abuse when he's been drinking.

You do not need this in your life. It will bring you down.

Confused102 · 08/08/2021 07:52

He has proven that you are his punching bag when he gets drunk. Who the hell does he think he is?? Also, the choice of words with his degrading of you shows that what he really thinks. Please please don't accept any sweet words of apologies. You are worth so much more than this.

Bluntness100 · 08/08/2021 07:56

Actually I will disagree, I am not convinced that’s what he thinks, my view would be he had a shit night so decided to take it out on you and used something he knew would hurt you. He was being spiteful and nasty, he knew saying that would hurt you so he that’s why he said it.

whistlers · 08/08/2021 07:57

@moonbedazzled

You're 26. Your mid 20s to mid 30s are fantastic years. Don't waste them on someone who calls you useless. It might be the first time he's said it, but it won't be last.
100% agree!
TheyWentToSeaInASieve · 08/08/2021 08:01

He clearly wasn't senseless drunk as he remembers it.

whistlers · 08/08/2021 08:03

@Bluntness100

Actually I will disagree, I am not convinced that’s what he thinks, my view would be he had a shit night so decided to take it out on you and used something he knew would hurt you. He was being spiteful and nasty, he knew saying that would hurt you so he that’s why he said it.
That could even be worse actually
SparrowNest · 08/08/2021 08:05

@Bluntness100

Actually I will disagree, I am not convinced that’s what he thinks, my view would be he had a shit night so decided to take it out on you and used something he knew would hurt you. He was being spiteful and nasty, he knew saying that would hurt you so he that’s why he said it.
I agree with this, it’s possible he wanted a punching bag so rang you and went with the things he knew would hurt you most.

Either way he has contempt for you and thinks he can treat you like dirt. He might be saying sorry now, but if you stay with him I highly doubt it will be a one off incident. And if you have kids together, that’s the sort of pressure that tends to cause things to escalate.

Get out now. You are still young and don’t have to settle for someone who’ll treat you like that, ever.

liveforsummer · 08/08/2021 08:06

🚩 different to others, I'm not sure he actually thinks the things he said, he was just looking for ways to hurt you. That's not any better though. It will escalate and creep in when he's sober too. Probably once you are pregnant or something. He's showing you a little snap shot of who he is. I'd listen if I was you.

CecilyP · 08/08/2021 08:07

PopcornMuncher

And the fact that he thinks it's okay to wake you up from sleep to berate you is a huge red flag

This. And at present you don’t live together, your work situation does not affect him at all. Think what he’d be like further down the line when, if you stay together, it actually would. I would get out now!

Sundancerintherain · 08/08/2021 08:10

I had one like that many years ago. Said some vile stuff to me every time he had been drinking. Then turned more abusive ......
My current DH has never, in 22 years , said vile things to me after drinking. Soppy things, never vile things.
Set the bar higher for yourself op.

GroggyLegs · 08/08/2021 08:12

@CecilyP

PopcornMuncher

And the fact that he thinks it's okay to wake you up from sleep to berate you is a huge red flag

This. And at present you don’t live together, your work situation does not affect him at all. Think what he’d be like further down the line when, if you stay together, it actually would. I would get out now!

This is a very good point.
wakinguptosunshine · 08/08/2021 08:19

Run like the wind

Stifledlife · 08/08/2021 08:19

The wisest words?

"when someone shows you who they are, believe them"

You can do better.

dottydodah · 08/08/2021 08:20

Gosh ,he sounds charming doesnt he?! Please run as fast as an Olympic Athlete and never look back!

fourminutestosavetheworld · 08/08/2021 08:26

It doesn't matter whether he means it or not if that's the crap you'll be forced to endure every time he has a drink.

As pp have said, lots worse when you live together and he's in your face with it.