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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend was nasty last night whilst drunk

96 replies

SarahUK128 · 07/08/2021 23:38

We're both 26, we have been together 2 years and we don't live together.

So he went out last night.
I was fast asleep and I had a phone call at 1am.
I answered because I worry with early morning calls Incase it's an emergency.
He sounded really angry and he said he was walking home but he was completely drunk to the point he didn't make sense.

I was telling him I was tired.
He then started spouting about how I'm useless and that I'm not good for anything.
I told him to talk to me when he wants to speak to me properly and hung up.

He then rang back apologising and saying he's had a rubbish night.
Then he turned nasty again. Saying once again that I'm useless and a failed and that I can't do anything.

This really upset me as I've been recently Job hunting and finding it hard to be successful so I'm currently with a care agency.
He knows I've recently expressed how I'm feeling quite "stuck" in life so hearing these words really upset me.
I didn't get upset on the phone but I hung up and went back to sleep.

He called me this morning apologising a lot saying he was just really drunk and didn't mean any of it and how he loves.me to pieces etc. The usual stuff.

But I can't stop thinking about the words he used last night.
When you've had so many job rejections, you naturally get a feeling of "nobody wants me", so to hear my own boyfriend, albeit drunk, call me useless hurt.

Whilst sober, he's the most loving person and usually when drunk he's great too.
I never have a bad word to say about him which I suppose is why last night shocked me.

OP posts:

Lunettesloupes · 08/08/2021 08:26

He sounds dangerous. He treated you like a verbal punchbag. That’s bad enough and there’s potential for it to escalate to physical violence another time. Walk away.

Needapoodle · 08/08/2021 08:35

Ditch him. You deserve way way better. That must be in his head somewhere for him to have said it to you.

DrGoogleSaysSo · 08/08/2021 08:38

He's shown his true colours . I wouldn't be able to believe he really cared for me in your place.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 08/08/2021 08:41

As others have said, it doesn't matter if he meant it or not. He woke you to rant at you.

What happens 5 years down the line? The rest of your life?

You don't have to live like that!

CagneyNYPD · 08/08/2021 08:49

@Bluntness100

Actually I will disagree, I am not convinced that’s what he thinks, my view would be he had a shit night so decided to take it out on you and used something he knew would hurt you. He was being spiteful and nasty, he knew saying that would hurt you so he that’s why he said it.

This. He had a crap night, was feeling rubbish and wanted to make himself feel better by making another person feel rubbish too. He chose you. Let that sink in and then run.

LadyEloise1 · 08/08/2021 08:49

As OldPodge says "... care wok is extremely important work......the pay is rubbish () the kudos low () ..hold your head up high, what you do is (very) valuable.

Emojis in brackets are my additions.

I think you should dump him too.
Disturbing your sleep ( put your phone on silent at night ).
Disturbing your peace of mind.
He should have your back.
Run and don't look back.
In vino veritas.

SnottyLottie · 08/08/2021 09:07

In vino veritas

Alcohol lowers your inhibitions and lets you say the things you think but would never say when sober. This is what he thinks about you. He clearly resents you and is definitely not being supportive.

I would seriously reconsider this relationship. It’s one thing to say it during a heated argument but to actually phone you when you were asleep to be abusive is absolute bullying behaviour.

ADHDgirl · 08/08/2021 09:37

Whether he’s said this because it’s what he actually thinks, or just because he was angry and wanted a “punching” bag - both of these situations are very bad and you should run run run as fast as you can, before it gets worse.

badacorn · 08/08/2021 09:46

Some people cope with bad things by taking it out on others… if you put up with this he WILL do it again. It was like a trial run.

It IS what he thinks while sober, he knew it’d upset you, he knew you’d listen and he knew that being nasty to you would make him feel better. That’s why he did it.

You are not any of those horrible things he said, you are going through a rough spot. I think you should run unless you want to be used as emotional punching bag whenever he has a crap day.

Itsacakebaby · 08/08/2021 09:47

I had an ex like this. When he'd had too much he would start to throw insults at me "You're a slag, you're going no where in this life, useless"etc. I'd then confront him the next day and he would be in total denial.
Thank God I got away from him. He had lots of other issues too. I was a similar age to you and I'm sure you could do so much better than him. You only have one life.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 08/08/2021 09:50

Alcohol lowers inhibitions
It doesn't parachute thoughts into your head.
Who you are when drunk is like who you are anonymously online for example.
It doesn't change you - it reveals you.

GrumpyTerrier · 08/08/2021 09:53

Unlike most, I don't necessarily believe that he has drunkenly said what he secretly thinks. In the past I have lashed out when drunk and it was always due to the booze amplifying a bad feeling in me. I would say cruel things that I knew would hurt but it didn't mean I believe them.

However, do you really want to stay with someone who behaves like that? Will he talk about it? What is the background? All these things are relevant too.

CecilyP · 08/08/2021 10:02

I would seriously reconsider this relationship. It’s one thing to say it during a heated argument but to actually phone you when you were asleep to be abusive is absolute bullying behaviour.

This! He had absolutely no reason to contact you at all.

girlmom21 · 08/08/2021 10:07

He woke you to attack you for your vulnerabilities. He's a complete prick.

LemonKitten · 08/08/2021 10:19

@roonthebend

Not excusing his behaviour. But I have been that angry drunk (luckily not anymore - no idea why but I'm a pretty chilled/happy drunk now) and I tell you that I have said plenty, plenty of horrible, disgusting things to the people I love and those closest to me that I truly did not mean. I didn't even think them sober and many times have been flabbergasted why I have said such things. Regardless whether he meant it, it's not okay for him to do that and you don't need to put up with that. At the very least he has to sort the anger out and if he can't then yes you need to walk away.

^^ This

TBH I'd let it go if it's the first time he's done it. The usual MN advice of LTB in force though I see...

He's apologetic, it hasn't happened before, and I don't care what anyone says, the old faithful of 'people say what they mean when they're drunk' is bllcks in most cases. (IMO of course.)

If it carries on and he keeps doing it, then of course a rethink is needed.

tara66 · 08/08/2021 10:33

You've had plenty advice regarding the BF - up to you to decide to ditch him or not. I would say concentrate on you and your job prospects. Care is a growing very important sector for the jobs market and if you enjoy it can you progress to a better position? Are there courses you could take - studying at home or in college? Perhaps you could become a care home manager, manage an agency or set up your own agency eventually?

HappyWipings · 08/08/2021 10:47

A person that gets so drunk that they start rambling like a nasty twat would be a massive turn off to me. As a pp has said , if alcohol makes him angry he should stop drinking it. That's not your problem though op , dump him and let him deal with his issues.

SmokeyDevil · 08/08/2021 10:48

The fact some people on here know they can be an angry drunk (who knows if they will turn violent or not), and carry on drinking is concerning.

But anyway, you deserve better than this op. No one deserves to have some drunk ass idiot berating them. People like that should learn to regulate their drinking, or maybe just quit if they can't do that. Whether he thinks it or not is kind of irrelevant, although it's worse if he does, but he shouldn't be saying that shit anyway. He should be supporting you in your life, be there for you, help you. Not drag you down.

PopcornMuncher · 08/08/2021 13:20

TBH I'd let it go if it's the first time he's done it. The usual MN advice of LTB in force though I see...

FFS no wonder women are socialised to accept shit behaviour. Why the fuck should you give someone a second chance to abuse you if they've done it once?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 08/08/2021 14:33

Not being goady this is a genuine question. If (as I believe) when a female is drunk she is incapable of meaning yes if she has consented to sex, why do we assume that someone means what anything else they say must be what they truly think. I know alcohol lowers inhibitions but it also is a drug so alters the way we think. As I say genuinely not a goady question and I wouldn't want to be with someone who did say these things, but there are so many blurred lines with any mind altering drug of any nature I find people's different responses quite interesting.

Lunettesloupes · 08/08/2021 20:46

Bring responsible for your own actions (drunk or not) and giving consent for someone else’s are two different things. Whether he meant what he said or not the behaviour was unacceptable and abusive.

Unicornsbumhole · 08/08/2021 20:59

Drunk minds speak sober hearts

LemonKitten · 09/08/2021 09:36

@PopcornMuncher

TBH I'd let it go if it's the first time he's done it. The usual MN advice of LTB in force though I see...

FFS no wonder women are socialised to accept shit behaviour. Why the fuck should you give someone a second chance to abuse you if they've done it once?

I do see your point, but a few drunken ramblings on the phone being an idiot isn't quite the same as a 'one off' black eye (I know you didn't say that, but just wanted to be sure people realised that's not what I meant.)

All I'm saying is, if it was the first time he'd done this then I'd be tempted to give him the benefit of the doubt and not listen to the 'drunken minds speak sober hearts' crap - tell him he's a tw&t, let him know you won't put up with it again and move on, if you can.

Purplealienpuke · 09/08/2021 09:58

Whether you believe he meant it or not he said it. To you. When he knows you are feeling down.
That is not the actions of a man who cares about you imo.
I am glad you don't live together, I don't think that would have ended well for you.
You are worth so much more than that crap lovely.
He's shown you what he really thinks and who he really is and I think you should listen.
Care work is a noble job. I have friends who work in that sector, I know they're over worked and under paid but do it anyway. Because they want to. Huge respect from me 💜💐💐

PopcornMuncher · 09/08/2021 23:44

@LemonKitten the OPs partner has abused her and you think she should give him another chance?

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