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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to go to partners friends party

79 replies

Fizfiona · 07/08/2021 23:36

My partner tells me we and our kids are invited to his friends BBQ party to celebrate their new house. I really don't want to go. His friends are lovely, that's not the problem, it's how my partner has made me feel about myself.

His friends all have careers, their wives all work, get to spend money on hairdressers, nails, clothes etc..whereas I'm an exhausted SAHM with no childcare to make it possible to work. We did the maths and would just be paying out more than I earn.. as he puts it I will only get the lowest wage. I had to give up work as we couldn't afford the childcare I had to start asking him for money so I could pay the nursery. He earns but he has his hobbies so the budget doesn't stretch to anything self care for me such as nails or hair. I feel a mess.. Ive never been one for all the pampering but my hairs now gone grey, it looks awful as it's alot of grey on dark brown and I just can't afford to go to the hair dressers to sort it out, even if I had the money I've no one to watch the kids for an hour or so. I tried a permanent box dye trying to cover it myself but didn't take very well and I still look about 10 years older than what I am.

I haven't got nice clothes like his friends wives, gfs. I have my mum pants and jumpers. Never needed anything nicer as I only go to soft play or the supermarket.

I feel because I've no budget to make myself presentable I look a mess and my partner only wants to take me out to places when it's somewhere he really wants to go to.

I feel embarrassed about how I look. I look like I've given up on myself. I don't want grey hair or old bobbled jumpers but I can't do anything about it. Because I feel too embarrassed about going to the party my partner is now in a huff saying I'm not being fair. I just don't feel like I matter as a partner and I should just be grateful as I've got a roof over my head and food on the table. I think I'm jealous.

OP posts:
AOwlAOwlAOwl · 07/08/2021 23:49

Your partner sounds awful if I'm honest.

Childcare is a shared expense anyway and also it's a long term investment for you to be able to build your earnings and develop a career.

He's the one that's making you feel bad about yourself. It's nothing you've done.

He's prioritising his hobbies over the mother of his children being able to buy some nice clothes and get her hair done. There's some really horrible words I could use to describe him tbh.

Dina0 · 08/08/2021 00:00

Oh wow this sounds like a horrible sitaution to be in. Sounds as if only your very basic needs are being met in your current sitaution which isnt fair at all. I think you need to have a discussion with your husband about finding some money for you each month. You have a job too which is around the clock and doesn't stop. Alternatively, make your own money from home theres sooo many work from home opportunities at the moment all you need is a laptop and wifi.

P. S. I think your husband is very selfish. Make some time for you and your needs, leave him with the kids for an hour when he gets off work xx

PurpleFlower1983 · 08/08/2021 00:04

Your husband sounds controlling and selfish. I would be job hunting if I were you.

parietal · 08/08/2021 00:19

He should be paying all the nursery and you should have enough for clothes etc on top. It is family money and there should be a family budget

And do look for a job, even part time is worth it so you have better earning potential when the kids go to school.

How many kids & what ages?

WhatAShilohPitt · 08/08/2021 00:36

So he’s selfish and spare money goes on him. He’s made you utterly dependent on him for money and your self esteem is taking a battering. Does he know how this is making you feel, OP? Is there never money to treat yourself?

Notimeforaname · 08/08/2021 00:39

Ah op this made me sad.

Have you told him why you dont want to go ? Would he listen and try to be understanding if you did? Does he care at all about your feelings?

ineedaholidaynow · 08/08/2021 00:46

He is not being fair with finances? You could go to the hairdressers on the days he doesn’t work so he can parent his DC.

Finances should be shared. Who pays for anything child related like clothes, toys?

How much does he spend on his hobbies?

NotWanting · 08/08/2021 02:20

He should parent his own children while you go shopping etc and he should stop spending money on hobbies when his DP needs new clothes.

What a tosser.

Anordinarymum · 08/08/2021 02:24

If he wants you to go to this barbecue, tell him to get his hand in his pocket and pay for you to get your hair done etc. The miserable bastard.

My blood boiled reading this

FrankButchersDickieBow · 08/08/2021 02:27

Are they his kids too?

Guineapigbridge · 08/08/2021 02:29

You present all the excuses you have as fait accompli. Like you have no control over them at all. Where's your power? Why are you accepting this as your life?
You can get a job that pays more than your half share of childcare costs. Start there.

Guineapigbridge · 08/08/2021 02:30

An hour on Saturday to get your hair sorted out. Is it really so much of a barrier?

paddlingon · 08/08/2021 02:44

Honestly OP, it sounds like you need to go back to work.
Split the costs of childcare with DH.
Then spend some money on haircuts and clothes.

Or alternatively explain to to your DH you need money for self care including hair and clothes.

The way you are being treated sounds awful.

ChargingBuck · 08/08/2021 03:06

I had to give up work as we couldn't afford the childcare I had to start asking him for money so I could pay the nursery.

WHAT?

He sets you up by making you accept that you "cannot" work .. & then you have to go begging for the childcare bill to be paid?
Why didn't HE think of that?

Never mind the initial low salary. Go & get a job, & start working on your independence, confidence, & sense of self.

When you are earning again, you should only be paying a proportion of the childcare anyway. Ratio how much more he earns than you, & apply that same ratio to childcare & all the bills.

You need to be building up your career, your pension, & your self-worth. Dog knows he isn't helping you with any of that right now, is he?

Flowers
QueenBee52 · 08/08/2021 03:25

Christ OP he's taking the PISS out of you ...

WTF 🌸

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/08/2021 03:54

These women if they have an ounce of integrity will be disgusted with your partner.

Have you not discussed needing money for self care? What did he say?

MayorGundersonsDogRufus · 08/08/2021 04:52

OP, I'm furious for you. This is so alien to me. I'm the only earner in my relationship and DH has equal access to the money. He doesn't have to ask for permission. That's no way to live.

LuckyHarold · 08/08/2021 05:16

This is not how it should be at all OP.

You shouldn't have to ask him for money like that. It is joint money. Your contribution is looking after your (yours and his) children, his is going out to work.

And if you want to work then the nursery bill is to be covered by both of you not just you!! It should wipe out your earnings because you shouldn't be paying more than half.of it anyway.

I'll tell you how it should be... I do actually work but very part time. My husband works 5 days a week and sometimes overtime at the weekend too. He earns a hell of a lot more than me. But we agreed that I would stay part time for now so I could be with our DC.

We have a joint bank account and a debit card each for it. He has never, ever, asked me what I've spent money on or made me ask him for some of 'his'. It is our money, all of it. Both our wages go in there and it is spent by us both on things with need and sometimes things we just want. I've never had to ask him for a trip to the hairdresser in my life even though technically more of our family money is 'his'.

This was a mutual agreement I assume OP? You didn't just decide you were going to be a SAHM yourself. So he doesn't get to now decide that all the money is his.

I'm really sorry your feeling so down but you absolutely sound like you have a husband problem here.

LuckyHarold · 08/08/2021 05:17

It shouldn't wipe out your earnings that should say**

Onlinedilema · 08/08/2021 05:19

I agree with the other posters. Sit down with your dp and tell him that you will go to the bbq but you want your hair doing and new clothes. Why can’t you go to the hairdressers on his day off?

Shoxfordian · 08/08/2021 06:21

It sounds like he’s talked you out of working and now he controls all the finances. This isn’t acceptable, tell him you should be splitting money equally if you’re not working. Do you have access to the joint money? Go get your hair done if you do

Wjevtvha · 08/08/2021 06:26

It shouldn’t be that any spare money goes on his hobbies; if there’s spare money it should be split between you as you’re both contributing to the household. Why could he not then look after the kids on an evening or weekend for you to get your hair cut?
Equally if he’s going to be a real arse could you get a job in the evenings or weekends even just a few hours in a shop and he can look after the kids

User135792468 · 08/08/2021 06:46

Reading this made me so sad. Op, this isn’t normal. If things were really tight and both of you were going without to be able to provide for the dc then it’s different. However, it sounds like he has some money left over for himself and uses that for his hobbies. My dh would give me the money for something nice for myself before using it on himself. Just as I would do for him because we love each other. If your partner sees you so down about yourself and doesn’t take steps to remedy it, then this isn’t a relationship that’s healthy for you to be in.

PopcornMuncher · 08/08/2021 06:49

If he wants you to go to the pity he pays up for a beautiful new outfit that makes you feel fab, really good cut and colour and your nails done.

Personally I think there are bigger issues here but that would be a start

PopcornMuncher · 08/08/2021 06:53

That should be go to the party Hmm