Page 3 | AIBU to not want to go to partners friends party

BlueVira · 08/08/2021 08:10

You need to find a job and share childcare costs with him (proportionally to earnings).

In the meantime (and before you say you can't afford interview outfit) - you can get nice clothes from a charity shop if you look...

DirtyDancing · 08/08/2021 08:21

It's going to be painful- but if you re-read what you have written you will be able to clearly see this is financial abuse. He works, has hobbies, and yet is withholding any form of self care for you. His money is shared income, you both earn the shared money. Him by going to work, you by caring for your family. You are not some form of unpaid labour.

Did you discuss and agree the finances before entering into the arrangement? What time to yourself do you get? Even a 2 hour coffee each Saturday morning or whatever would be going into the arrangement for me. Or glass of wine once a fortnight with a friend.

Personally, I would be booking a hair appointment, every 2 months, and having some form of clothing budget. Yes we can not all afford monthly manicures, but you will need at least some money for underwear, clothing, make up etc. I would also be getting a job to be honest and developing some form of financial independence. Good luck. It will be hard to get him to see your POV but be dammed if you will let him put you into some form of abusive, down trodden life whilst he spends what he likes on himself!

LittleMowf · 08/08/2021 08:24

You caring for the kids is allowing him to work and earn, but only HE gets to have his ‘hobbies’? Can he not see how ridiculously unfair that is? We had DC in 2014 and 2017 and around that time I had a few part time jobs, and some time where I wasn’t working - I was at home with them. DH is very aware that his career was unbroken during this time, because I was at home with our children. Without me doing that, he couldn’t have earned the money he did and gained the experience/opportunities he did. It should be an equal partnership.

I first got a part-time job when DS was 12 months. It wasn’t necessarily ‘worth it’ in terms of how much extra money we made - the vast majority of it was offset by childcare (we’ve never had family support so always nursery) - but I was paying my pension contributions, getting out of the house, etc. DH and I pay proportionally into a joint account, he sorts the childcare through the tax credits system (I think?). I had various part time jobs around the DC when they were young and I went full-time when my youngest was 2. I still have this job and the DC are 7 and 4 now.

How old are your DC, OP? Won’t they get some free hours at nursery at 2/3?

spotcheck · 08/08/2021 08:28

Gosh OP
You are in such a vulnerable position.
Get yourself back to work. Even it is is evenings and weekends, so he can cover childcare.

And in the meantime, tell him you need a bank card for his account, so you can access funds.
Ridiculous

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 08/08/2021 08:31

Can you tell him that you need a hairdo and a new dress to go to the BBQ? Do you communicate with each other openly and honestly? Have the kids got nice clothes to wear to the BBQ?

Career building is a long term thing and if you've got to pay childcare for a couple of years thats nothing in the long term, especially when you factor in your pension contributions (his pension is building up nicely, of course - because you're doing the free childcare for him to work and he won't even half to give you half if you split up)

Think of your long term financial future. Please don't tell me you've moved into a propertly that he alone owns

Thingsdogetbetter · 08/08/2021 08:36

I totally agree that he's being an absolute misogynistic controlling twat. But think you need a quick practical self-esteem boast along with a reevaluation of what's going on. First hurdle is getting to the point where going to a bbq does not fill you with horror. (Not that you need to go to this one! Cos ya know, fuck him and his demands on your time!)

Box dyes: unless your hair is short like a pixie cut, you need 2 boxes. One is never enough. Superdrug frequently do 2 for 1 offers. And make sure you get one that says it covers grey - not all do. There are lots of YouTube videos that show you how to section and colour your hair. My tip is lots of vasaline on your face and neck stops it dying your skin (still need to wipe off quickly).

Haircuts: before trying to box dye again, cut price saloons are brilliant. I go for a £14 dry cut and she's the best hairdresser I've ever been to. Take in some photos of several easy manage hair styles and ask their opinion.

Clothes: 2nd hand is environmentally astute these days and nothing to be ashamed of as a pp has suggested. My middle class friends boast about charity shop finds! Go to the charity shops in the poshest area near you - usually better quality brands and tend to be less worn. Be picky, don't rush. Do this after haircut and colour so you can see what suits.

Do not ask him to mind the dc, tell him! As you're on your way out the door if you think he'll sabotage. You don't need to tell him what for, just say you're off shopping and get out that door before he can say a word. Then text to say you'll be x hours and don't look at your phone again (otherwise he'll drag you back with some bullshit excuse).

Then reread all the pps' comments about him being a total wanker and make a plan to assure your wants and needs in what is supposed to be a partnership. He has created a hierarchy with him as king and you as serf, there only to make his life easier.

Think about what you want long-term and how to achieve it. More qualifications = Online free courses. Part-time work to get experience: when do free nursery hours kick in or school start? Do you want to continue in a relationship with a man who sees you as a serf? Do you want to fight for a level of independence or go for total independence? Look up benefits and support available you were single.

This is the first day of a new life. Take small meaningful steps and most importantly: fuck him and his self declared position as boss of you!!!

HelloDulling · 08/08/2021 08:36

Of course you don’t have to go the party; if he want to, he can go, and take the kids too, if he likes.

You need to get a job though. And you can cover your half of the childcare, he can pay the other half.

Magicstars · 08/08/2021 08:44

Are you in touch with any of the other women going to the party & Could you reach out? Having a friend there might make you feel more welcome.
Def though be honest with your partner. He needs to cut back on his hobbies if they prevent you from having time & money for yourself.

Potatoy · 08/08/2021 08:46

@PopcornMuncher

While i agree with pp saying he should pay a proportion of the childcare I'm not sure telling him he should is actually going to make him contribute. He doesn't exactly sound like the sort of man who will be reasonable

Yes I agree. I said that to highlight what a 'fair' financial arrangement would look like.

rainbowstardrops · 08/08/2021 09:35

So he has money for his hobbies but he happily lets you live in leggings and jumpers and doesn't even help you to have a haircut? Selfish bastard.
Tell him to take the kids to the party.

Samafe · 08/08/2021 10:20

The real deal is not this specific BBQ, but how empty you feel. I am sorry you are going through this.
First off all, how many kids do you have and how old are they? Things will improve for sure when they will start going to school.

Anyway, you need to speak with your husband. This is not how it should be. This is not a partnership.

Look into yourself and try to understand what do you want for your life.

Do you want to work? Start building your future now. First job will maybe be shitty but you have to start somewhere. You can work on evening, or weekends, from home, part time….you name it. But you have to search for it. And he will have to pay at least half of the daycare/nursery bills.

Do you want to be a SAHM? In this case you have to change things in the way your finances are shared. You need at least a joint account that you can access. You need money to buy new clothes if the old ones does not fit you anymore. You need money to drink a coffee with your friends etc because you deserve them! You are a team. You should also be able to see your current bank balance, and now exactly how your family is standing financially.

In any case, working mom or SAHM mom, you need to feel loved and appreciated because you are doing hard work!

In regards to the upcoming BBQ:
Fix your hairs with 2 box of dye and a nice hairdo
Wear the best clothes you have, or buy a second hand one.
But do this for yourself, not for the fear of what the other people will think about you!
Honestly, I am a working mom and I have probably the "best job" between my friends but I prefer to spend my money elsewhere, therefore no nice clothes and nice manicures for me, I love my comfy clothes...and no one gives a shit, we stil enjoy each other presence even if I am wearing leggings and no make up.

This is absolutely not the problem. The problem is how your husband is treating you and how this is making you feel about yourself. You deserve a nice haircut or nice clothes if they are important for you. You deserve time off. You deserve to feel supported in all your needs.

TheDevils · 08/08/2021 10:29

This is one of the saddest things I've ever read. He sounds financially abusive and controlling.

If I were you I'd be looking for a job quick smart and looking to either make some big changes in the relationship or leave.

If his friends have anything about them they'll be judging him not you.

Member984815 · 08/08/2021 10:37

If he wants you there he will pay for hairdressers and beautician and new outfit

lavieengris · 08/08/2021 10:43

@Fizfiona

My partner tells me we and our kids are invited to his friends BBQ party to celebrate their new house. I really don't want to go. His friends are lovely, that's not the problem, it's how my partner has made me feel about myself.

His friends all have careers, their wives all work, get to spend money on hairdressers, nails, clothes etc..whereas I'm an exhausted SAHM with no childcare to make it possible to work. We did the maths and would just be paying out more than I earn.. as he puts it I will only get the lowest wage. I had to give up work as we couldn't afford the childcare I had to start asking him for money so I could pay the nursery. He earns but he has his hobbies so the budget doesn't stretch to anything self care for me such as nails or hair. I feel a mess.. Ive never been one for all the pampering but my hairs now gone grey, it looks awful as it's alot of grey on dark brown and I just can't afford to go to the hair dressers to sort it out, even if I had the money I've no one to watch the kids for an hour or so. I tried a permanent box dye trying to cover it myself but didn't take very well and I still look about 10 years older than what I am.

I haven't got nice clothes like his friends wives, gfs. I have my mum pants and jumpers. Never needed anything nicer as I only go to soft play or the supermarket.

I feel because I've no budget to make myself presentable I look a mess and my partner only wants to take me out to places when it's somewhere he really wants to go to.

I feel embarrassed about how I look. I look like I've given up on myself. I don't want grey hair or old bobbled jumpers but I can't do anything about it. Because I feel too embarrassed about going to the party my partner is now in a huff saying I'm not being fair. I just don't feel like I matter as a partner and I should just be grateful as I've got a roof over my head and food on the table. I think I'm jealous.

If your household income drops when you go back to work, that's just the cost of having children. It's a shared cost.

You going back to work would give you back your independence, boost your confidence, and future proof your CV. The effect on your household income is temporary - we're talking about your lifetime earning potential and pension pot.

You've tried being a SAHP. It hasn't suited you - no shame in that.

Time to update the CV, start applying for jobs, and have a frank conversation.

HelloMissus · 08/08/2021 10:52

What’s wrong with asking your partner to pay his share of childcare costs?

LJAKS · 08/08/2021 10:55

Get a job. He can pay for childcare. That is not your sole responsibility and purpose in life. You need some financial freedom from this person if he does not value the role you are doing as a SAHM he can foot the bill for the childcare, why should it come out of your wage? Surely it's a relative split as they are both of your children. You are being taken for an absolute mug. This is financial abuse.

Erwhatno · 08/08/2021 11:20

Oh op. Surely you know this isn’t right.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/08/2021 11:26

He is financially abusing you. He has money for his hobbies but not for a hair cut or new jumper for you? Childcare costs would have been all down to you? This is not right, if staying off was a joint decision due to family finances then money should be joint with equal spending money. It sounds like you would be better off if you were single, financially, as you would have more government help and more control over your finances. I think you need to call womens aid or another domestic abuse charity and then work out how to leave. I know this is hard to read but it's a measure of how bad it's got that you cant even see the main issue which is abuse, and are focussing on things like your hair and other peoples clothes instead

KarenofSparta · 25/08/2021 06:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Divebar2021 · 25/08/2021 07:08

The OP has 2 threads - the other one about a wedding. She hasn’t actually responded to the comments on that one either.

I think when we have those SAHM versus WOTH debates on MN, threads like this one really stick in people’s minds. I don’t ever want my DD to accept a relationship where she can’t even get her haircut / buy a dress and to be so passive about it.

vivainsomnia · 25/08/2021 07:24

OP, you are making more out of it than it has to be, so I'm guessing there is more to it and there are some real self-esteem issues at sake.

In regards to the party, it's easy. You can do your own hair. I used to go to the hairdresser religiously before COVID due to a home dye accident. I had no choice during Covid, so did the home kit again, but read about it before. I have the same hair colour to you, but realised that you should also go one shade lighter and never darker. I use the dark blond one and it was perfect, so perfect that I haven't had my hair died in a salon again, waste of money. My hair looks very nice.

Clothes. You don't need to be fancy, it's summer, you get away with nice cheap clothes. You can get a nice summer dress and cardigan from Asda at the moment, on sale, probably for less than £15. Can do it as part of the normal shopping.

Friends with different lives? Do they have kids? Then there is plenty to talk about. You're not working now, but could consider going back once you can claim the 30h for the youngest. Look into training in the meantime, that's plenty to talk about.

Or are you looking for excuses because your self-esteem has crashed and you can't face meeting people? If so, now is the time to do something about it, and plan the new 'you'.

Window1 · 25/08/2021 07:43

What a mean selfish person you are with. Why can't you pool the surplus earnings of his once the bills are paid so it is fair? Why can't he stay home while you go out to work and earn yourself some money. No, didn't think so.

Something needs to change this is not right. Sounds like you are a slave.

Eralos · 25/08/2021 07:44

Why is there buget for his hobby but not for you? You’re important too. You are t just a servant there to serve your family. You are an important part of the family. Your husband is being unfair. The reason the other wives have time to go to the hairdressers/pay for it is they probably work in a team with their husband.

LadyGAgain · 25/08/2021 07:54

Haven't you got another thread about WANTING to go to a wedding but your partner saying you weren't invited? Two very conflicting posts from your POV??

GurtBusty · 25/08/2021 09:21

I don't think it conflicts, more that it re-enforces the fact that her partners is financially abusive. She didn't want to go to the BBQ as she had nothing nice to wear, etc. Partner doesn't want her at the wedding as he knows he would have to pay out for her dress/hairdresser/etc for her to attend.