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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to go to partners friends party

79 replies

Fizfiona · 07/08/2021 23:36

My partner tells me we and our kids are invited to his friends BBQ party to celebrate their new house. I really don't want to go. His friends are lovely, that's not the problem, it's how my partner has made me feel about myself.

His friends all have careers, their wives all work, get to spend money on hairdressers, nails, clothes etc..whereas I'm an exhausted SAHM with no childcare to make it possible to work. We did the maths and would just be paying out more than I earn.. as he puts it I will only get the lowest wage. I had to give up work as we couldn't afford the childcare I had to start asking him for money so I could pay the nursery. He earns but he has his hobbies so the budget doesn't stretch to anything self care for me such as nails or hair. I feel a mess.. Ive never been one for all the pampering but my hairs now gone grey, it looks awful as it's alot of grey on dark brown and I just can't afford to go to the hair dressers to sort it out, even if I had the money I've no one to watch the kids for an hour or so. I tried a permanent box dye trying to cover it myself but didn't take very well and I still look about 10 years older than what I am.

I haven't got nice clothes like his friends wives, gfs. I have my mum pants and jumpers. Never needed anything nicer as I only go to soft play or the supermarket.

I feel because I've no budget to make myself presentable I look a mess and my partner only wants to take me out to places when it's somewhere he really wants to go to.

I feel embarrassed about how I look. I look like I've given up on myself. I don't want grey hair or old bobbled jumpers but I can't do anything about it. Because I feel too embarrassed about going to the party my partner is now in a huff saying I'm not being fair. I just don't feel like I matter as a partner and I should just be grateful as I've got a roof over my head and food on the table. I think I'm jealous.

OP posts:

PopcornMuncher · 08/08/2021 06:55

This actually sounds like financial abuse

Billybagpuss · 08/08/2021 06:57

Stand your ground on this one, he doesn’t get to huff when he’s spending all the money on himself. Unless he wants you to go to the party and tell his friends exactly why you look like you’re auditioning for the title role of ‘lady in the van’ (I’m sure you don’t really, but from your post that sounds like it’s how you feel)

GreatAuntEmily · 08/08/2021 06:59

Is this real? You can still put on some makeup maybe buy a hair rinse - try oxfam for clothes or dresses, or ebay. You decided to have several, I presume, children when you had no money to pay for them.
I get that DH is selfish but really, get back to work and pay for childcare, they'll be at nursery or school soon enough and then you will make on it.

PopcornMuncher · 08/08/2021 07:05

Are you for real? Her DH has plenty money for hobbies and you think she should get a box dye and buy her clothes from Oxfam? Fuck sake

How about the DH prioritises the DW who is taking care of his DC therefore allowing him to work to earn that money he is keeping all to himself?

ZenNudist · 08/08/2021 07:13

You are being financially abused. There should be money for your self care as well as his hobbies.

The maths as you say would gave been that after you'd been out to work and paid half the childcare you would have had *considerably more money and financial leverage than you have right now.

I'd try and get back into work. Dc will go to school and then it will have been worth hanging on to your job.

sandgrown · 08/08/2021 07:14

I agree you should have access to money for yourself . You need a serious discussion. You need a budget for personal care. In the interim do you have a close friend who is good with hair/make up/ nails who could help you and maybe even lend you an outfit . Don’t let yourself disappear.

stepupandbecounted · 08/08/2021 07:24

This is not about the party.
This is about years and years of underinvestment.

You deserve to have clothes, hair and appearance you can be proud of, you should not have to decline invites because you have no confidence left to go to them. This party has only highlighted the fact you feel so bad about yourself, and with good reason.

Sit down and work out how you are going to move forward, no one should be having hobby money when you do not have a decent wardrobe to wear and basic maintenance. You need to stop coming last op I would half the nursery bills with dp, get a job and start with an appointment at the hairdressers.

ohthatbloodycat · 08/08/2021 07:26

You sound much too passive. Don't let life just pass you by. It's time to take control, OP.

PluggingAway · 08/08/2021 07:27

Go back to work and split the childcare bill between you.

He's a wanker, btw.

GreatAuntEmily · 08/08/2021 07:27

Never needed anything nicer as I only go to soft play or the supermarket.

Really?

Sundancerintherain · 08/08/2021 07:30

This is financially abusive behaviour.
If you are ill would he spare some of his precious hobby money to pay for your prescriptions? Do you have any money AT ALL that is just for you ?

stepupandbecounted · 08/08/2021 07:30

Your dp should be sharing the cost of the childcare op, it is his child too.

At the moment you are doing all of the childcare for free, but with no means of an income to support your self care. He has it made, earning all of the money, deciding what it is spent on, and you are left literally holding the baby in a bobbly jumper with no money or power to make decisions even as small as going to the hairdresser.

No wonder you are feeling so terrible. He needs to be paying you to stay at home a salary of some kind into an account - and the money is spent on whatever you like separate to the joint account. OR he pays for half the childcare and you can work.

user1471538283 · 08/08/2021 07:30

My ex was like this. Any money was his. You need to get a job even if childcare swallows most of it and tell him straight that you will be paying things proportionately between you. Squirrel some money away.

You are being treated like a second class citizen.

CecilyP · 08/08/2021 07:32

Are you for real? Her DH has plenty money for hobbies and you think she should get a box dye and buy her clothes from Oxfam? Fuck sake

It really depends on how much he spends on hobbies. Without knowing all the figures, we can’t really comment. If he earns loads and spends it all on himself, then all above comments are totally valid. However, if they are not well off and OP working would reduce overall family income, then while there would be less for his hobbies, there might not be more for OP to spend on herself once household bills are taken care of.

It’s a shame box dyes don’t work for OP (I’ve been using them for years) because it then sounds if she’d have to spend quite a lot on the hairdressers to do it regularly and each appointment takes considerably more an hour. OTOH, a new outfit is a once off expense and it sounds like he definitely should sacrifice something so OP can get new clothes.

Hekatestorch · 08/08/2021 07:35

Op, he is just awful.

Who says you will only get the 'lowest wage', he does? How does he know that?

And what if you do at first? How would you ever get to a better wage? Without starting out somewhere. Childcare is a joint expense. Not yours.

He is your partner, not your husband. He could dump you walk away only having to pay money for his kids. And he sounds so awful, he will probably try to get out of that too. And if you could only get a job on the lowest wage, at that point, what will you do?

This man doesn't see you as a team. Your entire life, if raising the kids and looking after the house. While he gets a great life and keeps most of the money? That's not a partnership. If there's money for his hobbies, there's money for you to properly clothe yourself.

The problem isn't this party. The problem is him. You feel self concepts because he is financially abusing you and keeping you in a position where you have to rely on him and he gives back the bare minimum.

He isn't a man that a woman can rely on to be sahp. Sahp set ups can work great, but not if one is an awful person.

Hekatestorch · 08/08/2021 07:38

However, if they are not well off and OP working would reduce overall family income, then while there would be less for his hobbies, there might not be more for OP to spend on herself once household bills are taken care of.

If he can afford any hobbies, they can afford for the op to get her hair done once in a while or have decent clothes, for a party he wants her to go to.

If they are absolutely skint, he shouldn't be spending money on hobbies. It's really that simple.

Pottedpalm · 08/08/2021 07:41

When is the bbq? Tell DP you will go but he needs to stump up for your hairdresser’s appt. also a dress; plenty of lovely midi dresses around suitable for a bbq and other occasions. Then re-evaluate your situation and work out how things could be changed,

Summersnake · 08/08/2021 07:42

Are u married op ,are u on the morgage

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 08/08/2021 07:44

Your problem is not how he has made you feel about yourself, your problem is him.

Childcare is not just your responsibility (you said “our kids”) - whether it’s paid for out of the home, facilitated by family/friends, or done by parents, it’s an equal and joint responsibility. If it’s to be paid for, it’s a joint responsibility.

HE has put you in a position where you no longer earn, tells you there is no point you earning because it will cost more than YOUR wage (on top telling you there’s no point because you’ll only earn minimum wage anyway), meanwhile you have to ask for money and he carries on tootling about spending HIS money on his hobbies.

You’re also not married by the sounds of it, so if he were to decide he’s had enough you are in extremely precarious position.

This isn’t about a BBQ. The bobbly jumpers and grey hair and how you feel about yourself are symptoms of a far bigger issue.

Find a job, because that’s what you want.
Tell him that childcare is equal and shared - cost and responsibility.
Tell him that one person doesn’t get to swan about doing fucking hobbies while the other lives in clothes that are years old with no money of their own because they gave up work at the other’s ongoing insistence to care for shared children.

He is a misogynist arsehole who is doing what he can to keep you where he wants you by controlling your access to money and keeping you tied to the home.

Take back the control.

And while you’re at it, consider whether being with someone who treats you like this is good for you or the children.

Bluntness100 · 08/08/2021 07:45

Did you discuss finances before you decided to have a baby/proceed with pregnancy? Can you sit down and discuss finances? I think uou need to take back control. How old is your child?

Potatoy · 08/08/2021 07:49

I had to give up work as we couldn't afford the childcare I had to start asking him for money so I could pay the nursery

Your wage only has to cover half the childcare (or the % of childcare based your income depending how you decide to split it). You shouldn't have to be asking for money to cover the childcare.

He is being very controlling with the money.

felulageller · 08/08/2021 07:54

Does he even love you?

Cattitudes · 08/08/2021 08:00

It is not just about your income, remember that you have a tax free allowance, it sometimes can be financially more beneficial for him to work fewer hours and look after the children because every hour you work you keep all the income, whereas his money goes in tax. Or you can work a couple of evenings and he look after the children. I have a feeling though that he wouldn't want to work with you on finding these solutions.

girlmom21 · 08/08/2021 08:00

He's going to need to start sacrificing some hobbies so you can take care of yourself and afford childcare as a family. This is financial abuse OP.

PopcornMuncher · 08/08/2021 08:02

While i agree with pp saying he should pay a proportion of the childcare I'm not sure telling him he should is actually going to make him contribute. He doesn't exactly sound like the sort of man who will be reasonable

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