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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU not to wish him happy birthday?

56 replies

Wobblelmyheadplease · 07/08/2021 16:52

First off I will say that I know I am being a but UR and petty but I'm asking this question as I'm wondering if it might help save me more pain to do this.

Long story short, my Dad has always been emotionally distant and is now georgraphically so (200 miles away) he remarried after my mother and had stepchildren who are also now grown and live about 100 miles away.

It is a milestone birthday for him on Tuesday. I became aware (through facebook) that he has a party planned to which the stepkids are invited, but he has made no mention of this to me.

I guess I felt hurt, but then there are more of them, they are nearer and there will be no room for me to stay with him if they do. He lives in a holiday destination so I could have gone with the DC for a holiday and attended the party, but wasn't invited so I've said nothing about it.

Anyway, I sent him a card and present last week which arrived today (his birthday not til Tuesday). He sent me a one line whatsapp thanks for the gift and a comment on the picture on the card so he has obviously opened them.

It is also my birthday today so I replied no problem and look what the DC got me for my birthday. He replied happy birthday, when was it? I said today and replied with something chatty. He's read it but not responded at all.

Despite being left out of the party and him not knowing when my birthday (despite being days before his) the thing I am most hurt about is him opening my present and card today - three days before the big day when I know everyone else will be sitting with him to open cards and presents.

I feel completely sidelined and like I'm not part of this day, he didn't even want to be looking at the card and present on the day in front of I guess the people he considers his 'real' family.

WIBU to not bother messaging him or calling him on the day now? I feel I've sent my felicitations, he's deliberately chosen to keep them separate from the day and doesn't want me involved at all, so just ignpore him until....well, I doubt I'll hear from him again if I don't get in touch, that's usually how it goes.

OP posts:

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 07/08/2021 16:54

I don't blame you. There comes a point where it just isn't worth bothering with them. (I'm at that point with my mother)

Summersun2020 · 07/08/2021 16:56

Honestly I wouldn’t even send a card next year. How cruel and hurtful of him.

Original poster

Wobblelmyheadplease · 07/08/2021 16:59

Thank you. I feel so silly that it's the opening and responding well before the big day that has upset me. It just feels so pointed and deliberately done to draw a boundary round me.

But do people usually do that? Open presents and cards before the day? Maybe they do and I'm being ridiculous.

OP posts:

Smallfry79 · 07/08/2021 17:00

You would not be unreasonable to not contact him on the day as you have sent on your wishes already and he sounds like a bit of an ass. Not inviting you to the party is rude and thoughtless.

You are a bit unreasonable to care that he opened the card and gift on receipt. He will probably just open every card/gift as he gets it rather than piling them all up then taking position while everyone gathers around on the big day and publicly making a big ordeal/display of opening them all at once. I think that would be an odd thing to do.

Original poster

Wobblelmyheadplease · 07/08/2021 17:01

@Smallfry79

You would not be unreasonable to not contact him on the day as you have sent on your wishes already and he sounds like a bit of an ass. Not inviting you to the party is rude and thoughtless.

Thank you smallfry, I genuinely needed to hear that :)

OP posts:

WaltzForDebbie · 07/08/2021 17:03

I wouldn't really mind about the opening early thing. We often open presents early or late if we're busy on the day. It would upset me him not knowing your birthday though.

GameSetMatch · 07/08/2021 17:08

Honestly I couldn’t let it lie like you have, I’d have to send a letter. I completely admire your strength for not starting a big argument I couldn’t help myself.

Original poster

Wobblelmyheadplease · 07/08/2021 17:12

@GameSetMatch

Honestly I couldn’t let it lie like you have, I’d have to send a letter. I completely admire your strength for not starting a big argument I couldn’t help myself.

He's trained me not to make a fuss, though :( He always reacts as though I'm overreacting or being oversensitive or hysterical if I ever raise this kind of behaviour. I never get an apology for it so I've learned not to bother.

OP posts:

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 07/08/2021 17:12

First off I will say that I know I am being a but UR and petty

No you're not. You feel hurt and you have a valid reason. I couldn't not not say anything to him about this.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 07/08/2021 17:15

How old will he be?

Original poster

Wobblelmyheadplease · 07/08/2021 17:15

@Hobnobsandbroomstick

How old will he be?

OP posts:

phishy · 07/08/2021 17:18

Definitely stop sending a card or present.

Any normal person would have been apologetic at forgetting yours.

He’s a cunt.

MichelleScarn · 07/08/2021 17:20

Is there a chance that he's done this on purpose do you do raise it, he can then get all hurt and offended and jus prove to other people he was right not to invite you?

Original poster

Wobblelmyheadplease · 07/08/2021 17:23

@MichelleScarn

Is there a chance that he's done this on purpose do you do raise it, he can then get all hurt and offended and jus prove to other people he was right not to invite you?

That's an interesting questions, michelle, but I don't think so.

I think I just don't cross his mind at all, he doesn't think of me, he wouldn't go to the trouble of thinking about me in order to set me up because I genuinely don't seem to cross his mind.

He can be fairly dismissive of other people, but selectively so and will make a big effort with certain friends. His wife is outgoing and very family orientated and will have made sure her children are involved so I don't think it was spite on his part for them to be coming and not me. He just doesn't consider me.

I think that he genuinely just doesn't even remember I exist.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wobblelmyheadplease · 07/08/2021 17:24

The contact we do have, I'll send messages, pictures, updates etc. He used not to respond until I did tell him that upsets me.

Now I'll (mostly) get one line back but it's never a conversation, just a comment on what I've said. It feels like putting money in a jukebox, not a relationship.

I need to step back I think. At least he won't be having another birthday for a year, that gives me time to leave space.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 07/08/2021 17:33

I'd have fucked him off a while ago.

He's treating you like an acquaintance. Any parent that has to ask when their child's birthday is is a dickhead. He obviously doesn't give you much thought day to day and you don't need to put up with that anymore.

I once spent the entire afternoon with my parents once on my birthday and neither of them remembered. You don't forget it. You need to allow yourself to feel what that's like rather than focus on him opening his gift early. The more you avoid those emotions, the worse it'll get in the long run.

Dacquoise · 07/08/2021 17:35

So your dad doesn't know your birthday? And didn't think to include you in his party?

He's really, really self absorbed and uninterested in you isn't he? Save yourself anymore emotional torture and step away from this selfish dick. It won't get any better. My family are the same. I no longer give them any opportunity to use and ignore me.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/08/2021 17:38

The man (for he is no father to you) has been unspeakably rude. You can’t be sure who organised the party. It may have been him, his wife or her children. Whomsoever did is also unspeakably rude.

I hope you have other people, who love and cherish you.

My thoughts are that if you’re centring on the people, who don’t show you care, you’re missing out on potentially getting care from those, who do… so pay attention to the ones, who do care.

Happy birthday.

plodalong12 · 07/08/2021 17:39

None of this is your fault. I’d be livid at being treated like that.

You would not be unreasonable at all to not vocally acknowledge his birthday via a call or visit. 1) You’ve already expressed your wishes with the card and present but 2) He doesn’t deserve an additional one from you after his behaviour, especially as it’s obviously affected you so much.

Aprilx · 07/08/2021 17:42

@Wobblelmyheadplease

Thank you. I feel so silly that it's the opening and responding well before the big day that has upset me. It just feels so pointed and deliberately done to draw a boundary round me.

But do people usually do that? Open presents and cards before the day? Maybe they do and I'm being ridiculous.

There is nothing particularly odd about him opening the card and present early. Of all there is to be angry and hurt about in your post, that is not it.

He sounds like a waste of space as a dad and to be honest I would not be bothering too much with him again.

JackieQueen · 07/08/2021 17:43

That's so horrible op, you must feel so hurt. I think I would agree with others and just not bother with him any more.

Original poster

Wobblelmyheadplease · 07/08/2021 17:47

Thank you all.

I won't contact him on the day and I'll take a step back. I doubt he'll notice anyway.

OP posts:

Lemonsandlemonade · 07/08/2021 17:48

That’s so sad your dad didn’t acknowledge your birthday until you said.

I would never send him anything ever again.

JayAlfredPrufrock · 07/08/2021 17:49

It must be so hurtful for you.

Original poster

Wobblelmyheadplease · 07/08/2021 18:09

Meh. Screw him.

Thanks for good advice, I'm off to look at my lovely gifts and drink my birthday prosecco.

OP posts:

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