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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU not to wish him happy birthday?

56 replies

Wobblelmyheadplease · 07/08/2021 16:52

First off I will say that I know I am being a but UR and petty but I'm asking this question as I'm wondering if it might help save me more pain to do this.

Long story short, my Dad has always been emotionally distant and is now georgraphically so (200 miles away) he remarried after my mother and had stepchildren who are also now grown and live about 100 miles away.

It is a milestone birthday for him on Tuesday. I became aware (through facebook) that he has a party planned to which the stepkids are invited, but he has made no mention of this to me.

I guess I felt hurt, but then there are more of them, they are nearer and there will be no room for me to stay with him if they do. He lives in a holiday destination so I could have gone with the DC for a holiday and attended the party, but wasn't invited so I've said nothing about it.

Anyway, I sent him a card and present last week which arrived today (his birthday not til Tuesday). He sent me a one line whatsapp thanks for the gift and a comment on the picture on the card so he has obviously opened them.

It is also my birthday today so I replied no problem and look what the DC got me for my birthday. He replied happy birthday, when was it? I said today and replied with something chatty. He's read it but not responded at all.

Despite being left out of the party and him not knowing when my birthday (despite being days before his) the thing I am most hurt about is him opening my present and card today - three days before the big day when I know everyone else will be sitting with him to open cards and presents.

I feel completely sidelined and like I'm not part of this day, he didn't even want to be looking at the card and present on the day in front of I guess the people he considers his 'real' family.

WIBU to not bother messaging him or calling him on the day now? I feel I've sent my felicitations, he's deliberately chosen to keep them separate from the day and doesn't want me involved at all, so just ignpore him until....well, I doubt I'll hear from him again if I don't get in touch, that's usually how it goes.

OP posts:

Wishingwell75 · 07/08/2021 18:19

It sounds like your Dad and my Dad should get together, see what else they have in common apart from the ability to be completely emotionally unavailable to their daughters and in my case to completely dictate the relationship he has with me. That's over 40 years of having everything on his own terms. For me a lifetime of rejection, of being told he doesn't want to spend time with me for coffee, to see his DGS or even speak on the phone. But if he is in the mood, I have to play my part and be delighted to meet him.
How ridiculous does that look in black and white? Is there another single living person you would have in your life on those terms? Because I know I wouldn't tolerate that from anyone else.
For myself, it's actually at the point where I can see that I only have myself to blame now, he's not going to change.
What would be the difference if I decide not to contact him again?
What is the actual cost of wanting this man to give me something that he is incapable of and has no interest in?
These are the questions I am asking myself and I would be very interested to know how you would answer them from your point of view.
Finally, I don't think it matters if others open presents on the actual day or beforehand; the only important thing is that it bothers you, it hurt your feelings. I think you hit the nail on the head when you identified that it's painful because you imagine him opening the rest at his party. But you don't know if that's the case. The step kids may be encouraged by their mum to participate (if she's still in the picture) because I doubt if he's been father of the year to them over the years. x

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/08/2021 18:23

He replied happy birthday, when was it?

If he hadn't ground you down, the correct answer to this would have been "seriously dad, I'm your child and you don't know my birthday, bloody hell"

ddl1 · 07/08/2021 18:28

YANBU to be offended that he didn't invite you to the party and more generally that he never seems to give you more than the minimum attention and response, and that you had to ask for even the minimum. And that he doesn't even know when his own child's birthday is.

I think YABU to be upset that he opened the present and card on receiving them. Many people do this; it's not IMO necessary to have a formal present-opening session on the day. He did say thank you. However. this doesn't alter the fact that his treatment of you has been very rude and off-hand all round. No, you aren't obliged to phone or message him; you've already given him a present in any case.

Original poster

Wobblelmyheadplease · 07/08/2021 18:33

God, I've done something really unlike me and I'm not sure what to do now.

The only reason I know about the party is because I have one of his stepchildren on my facebook and one of them had messaged on a public business page asking if they could make a cake for their stepfather's 70th birthday party and it came up on my page for some reason a while ago. Like that thing where if a fb friend messages in a public page you sometimes see it?

I've realised that with his birthday being on a Tuesday the party might potentially be or have been this weekend.

None of them have actually mentioned it to me, or made mention of it or posted pictures anywhere or anything, despite them usually being really active on fb.

I've just messaged the stepdaughter and casually asked if she'd been down to visit them lately and I mentioned that I'd seen about the cake and that they were having a party.

She's replied that the party was yesterday but I shouldn't feel hurt, apparently I 'wasn't excluded' it just wasn't going to be possible to include me. Whatever that means? So they are telling themselves I wasn't excluded while all the time keeping the party secret and - I can only presume all the photos off fb as they usually plaster any events they have on their fb. Or maybe they've changed the settings so I can't view the photos?

How can I not have been excluded when they've decided not to invite me and then kept the party a secret from me?

OP posts:

Mattsmum2 · 07/08/2021 18:38

Step away once and for all. If messaging makes you feel better then do it, you have to expect little in return. If you can cope with that fair enough. If not, and I suspect not as you have asked for advice on here then cut all ties. Get love and support from those who love you and waste no more emotion on people who sap your strength. Take care x

Plumtree391 · 07/08/2021 18:42

You've already done enough, Wobble.

I'm sorry your dad is so distant.

eveoha · 07/08/2021 18:43

I’d be inclined to pity them and pray for them acting in that manner - it is they who are not decent loving people - as you seem to be

Original poster

Wobblelmyheadplease · 07/08/2021 18:46

@eveoha

I’d be inclined to pity them and pray for them acting in that manner - it is they who are not decent loving people - as you seem to be

Thank you.

I actually feel really humiliated now about going out and buying a lovely card and really thoughtful gift while all the time he, his wife and stepchildren were deliberately going out of their way to exclude me. And my DC as well, his only grandchildren! What have my kids done wrong to be treated like that?

It's embarassing. I have barely any relationship with my mother because of all the evil things she'd done, he's actually the better of my parents. And he and his other family have gone out of their way to exclude me. I feel so humiliated.

OP posts:

Sonofabiscuit · 07/08/2021 18:56

Op I totally understand ,I've been ignored and left out of things for years by my so called parents ,sister and nephews and their partners .
I only found out I was a great aunt as my dn rang me .not to tell me but to ask me to contact my parents and say he'd be over soon to take them to see the baby .he's done this as well with his 2nd child .
Was 6 months before met 1st child and have never met his 2nd child .
Tried to explain to my "family" how it hurt and nothing changed so now I don't bother and make no effort for birthdays /Xmas.

bigvig · 07/08/2021 18:57

It hurts when family let you down. It will always hurt but you can train yourself to care less and give them less emotional energy. Send him a card each birthday so he can't accuse you of being the one responsible for the lack of any relationship but make no more effort than that. If he contacts you that's another matter - but unfortunate I doubt he will.

Summerbubbles · 07/08/2021 18:57

You sound like a caring person who has made enough effort already, I wouldn't bother to call on the day but I would continue to send a birthday card etc and the occasional text, even if the thought is not reciprocated at least you know you've done all you can.

It's hurtful when it feels like a family member doesn't care.

Summerbubbles · 07/08/2021 19:00

And don't feel humiliated, being a good person, a thoughtful, caring, generous daughter is something to be proud of, it's his loss if he doesn't appreciate you

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 07/08/2021 19:05

I would neither send further wishes on the day of his actual birthday or remotely bother my arse with him going forward.

I'm sorry your parents are so utterly shit but for the sake of your own self esteem you do need to simply say "fuck it" and go and enjoy your birthday with your own family.

Theunamedcat · 07/08/2021 19:11

If you want to send him a card for his 70th carry on but personally I wouod make sure it was a 29p one and leave the price ticket on

Original poster

Wobblelmyheadplease · 07/08/2021 19:30

@Theunamedcat

If you want to send him a card for his 70th carry on but personally I wouod make sure it was a 29p one and leave the price ticket on

I've already sent the card and it was a really nice one :(

OP posts:

Retrievemysanity · 07/08/2021 19:36

Op, your dad is 70 and acting like this, he’s not going to change. As hard as it is, I think you need to accept that you’re not going to have the relationship with him you want. So you need to decide if you can handle things the way they are, or if you let things fizzle out. Personally, I’d take the massive hint that he and the whole family are giving you and leave them to it. Don’t mean to sound harsh, you sound a lovely, thoughtful person but this doesn’t sound like it’s good for you. Happy birthday

Furrydogmum · 07/08/2021 19:52

Buy yourself a present every year and totally sack his birthday off, he doesn't deserve your gifts and you don't deserve to feel so crap each year!!

Original poster

Wobblelmyheadplease · 07/08/2021 20:23

Ok, thank you everyone.

I'm going to let it fizzle out, because without my input there is nothing. Which tells me everything.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wobblelmyheadplease · 07/08/2021 20:26

And yet as soon as I've said that I'm thinking about the fact that he seems so forgetful these days.

Last year he texted me and gave me a card for my birthday. This year he didn't seem to know that my birthday was anywhere near his.

There are other things. He IS dismissive, definitely. But he repeats himself a lot. Forgets things. Even in a conversation direct with him. I was speaking to him about my new job (am a teacher) recently and he somehow got it into his head that it was a boy's school. I corrected him a couple of times, no it's mixed sex and he still came out of the conversation thinking I teach at an all boy's school.

I know he doesn't give that much of a shit about me but I'm not certain some of it isn't forgetfulness.

OP posts:

SummerWhisper · 07/08/2021 20:52

Hopefully your children have 2 parents who think the world of them and will always cherish them. Seek the love from your immediate family. Let your so-called parents fade into their own self-importance.

youdoyoutoday · 07/08/2021 21:07

WTF??? Your own father asked when your birthday was on your birthday?? Fuck him!!

EKGEMS · 07/08/2021 21:15

You can send him a letter and tell him how you feel-forgotten,excluded and abandoned and your mother and him were both abusive and you already are a far better parent than either of them could ever wish to be. Let it all out. Then say this will be your last bit of contact. And fuck off or drop dead or whatever.

Original poster

Wobblelmyheadplease · 07/08/2021 21:19

@Wishingwell75

It sounds like your Dad and my Dad should get together, see what else they have in common apart from the ability to be completely emotionally unavailable to their daughters and in my case to completely dictate the relationship he has with me. That's over 40 years of having everything on his own terms. For me a lifetime of rejection, of being told he doesn't want to spend time with me for coffee, to see his DGS or even speak on the phone. But if he is in the mood, I have to play my part and be delighted to meet him. How ridiculous does that look in black and white? Is there another single living person you would have in your life on those terms? Because I know I wouldn't tolerate that from anyone else. For myself, it's actually at the point where I can see that I only have myself to blame now, he's not going to change. What would be the difference if I decide not to contact him again? What is the actual cost of wanting this man to give me something that he is incapable of and has no interest in? These are the questions I am asking myself and I would be very interested to know how you would answer them from your point of view. Finally, I don't think it matters if others open presents on the actual day or beforehand; the only important thing is that it bothers you, it hurt your feelings. I think you hit the nail on the head when you identified that it's painful because you imagine him opening the rest at his party. But you don't know if that's the case. The step kids may be encouraged by their mum to participate (if she's still in the picture) because I doubt if he's been father of the year to them over the years.

Wishingwell I'm sorry it's taken me some time to respond to this, I found it so difficult to read. I'm sorry for you, too. I remember when I was early teens my Dad going to work one day with a bit of paper my mother theatrically shoved in front of him to NOT FORGET.

Which obviously caught my and my brother's curiosity (that was her intention). It was our birth dates, he was taking them with him for some legal document or other but had obviously had to get my mother to write down our DOB because he had no idea of either of them. And my mother couldn't let the opportunity pass to make us both aware :(

Families are shit. Thank you for your message x

OP posts:

ddl1 · 07/08/2021 22:05

I know this is a bit of a cliche; but is it possible that he is developing some degree of dementia? You say that he is getting very forgetful, and that he seems to have forgotten your birth date between last year and this year. (Though he does seem to have had some forgetgulness on this issue in the past.) Maybe his children being 'unable to include you' means that they are trying to hide his deterioration from people who don't see him regularly?

Of course, even if this is the case, it doesn't alter the fact that he has never really been there for you, or given you much thought. I am sorry that you have to deal with this.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 07/08/2021 22:09

PLEASE don't ever send him a card or gift or wish him a happy birthday again because it is plainly obvious he does not give a shit about you.
I learnt this with my only family years ago and have now stopped trying. none of them have even noticed.

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