To he pissed off at ex?

[HerRoyalRisesAgain]

Background: we were together 12 years, 3 kids together, I worked until my disabilities and MH meant I couldn't. He was the SAHP. He now sees the children at his flat once a week. The little 2 (6 and 7) sleep over, so he has them 2pm Saturday until 10am Sunday, his choice.
The oldest (12) has very little to do with him as he doesn't get on with him.

He has just told me he may not be able to have the children for a while after today because he has been suspended from work and may be getting sacked. He got caught stealing from the till.

I'm furious. It's not like he has them for very long anyway, not even 24 hours a week. He doesn't pay for them, so it's not like he needs the money for that. He's just an absolute idiot.

If he loses his job and loses his flat as a result of not having rent money he'll have to move back in with his mum which means he won't see the kids because his mums an alcoholic who hits kids so they're not allowed there, plus the drug taking uncles. That's not going to happen, and he won't take them out to soft play or anywhere because he's too tight. He doesn't even take them to the park which is free.

Ugh. When I told him he's an idiot he told me I have no right to be pissed off because its not like he's fucking up my life. But it is because now I can't make any plans on my own on Saturday afternoons because I'll have the kids. So no dates, no meeting up with friends without the kids, can't even go shopping in peace.

So aibu to be annoyed or is it none of my business?

It's really tough being a single parent to 3 kids, but being disabled too, beyond tough.

I know it's hard on you, but frankly I'd be rejoicing him being out of the younger ones lives and I wouldn't have encouraged him to get a flat in the first place.

Best rid of bad rubbish.

You need help to get the help you need!!

Stop telling them your mum comes twice a week!

Yes, he should step up & look after his kids, reality is that he won't& that you can't make him.

Find people who can & will help

Best wishes.

@PumpkinKlNG

I think the thing is if you are saying it to your ex like how you are saying it here “won’t be able to get a break” and you did say it was to date and meet friends? You have drip fed that it’s because you are disabled and need respite because your op mentioned having a chance to date, if you’re saying that to your ex he is going to not want to do it because he doesn’t want to give you a break my ex saw him having the kids as giving ME a break, and why would he want to give me a break?! In his little head. Which is why he doesn’t (more to it but that’s one of the reasons) you have to tell him it’s about his relationship with the kids and them missing him not how it benefits you

It’s hardly a drip feed when in the opening lines of the initial post she says she worked until her disabilities and mental health said she couldn’t.

Of course you’re right to be annoyed OP. Some absolutely ridiculous responses on here.

You’re definitely entitled to want a break from your children. Your ex, who is 50% responsible for creating said children, certainly feels entitled to a break from them. 99% of the time in fact!

And now he’s extending it further for the foreseeable future because he’s too dishonest to hold down a job. Yet you’re the unreasonable one according to some here

Just because you’re a mother doesn’t mean you have to martyr yourself at every opportunity because it makes life easier for the menfolk…contrary to what some MN contributors believe!

You've had some twatish responses on here royal

Your ex is a selfish bastard who thinks about no one other than himself.

My ex was the same now he's split from his partner and blames her saying she wouldn't let him see his boys🙄 my eldest won't even speak to his father now.

Karma

You do so well looking after your 3 on your own, with your disabilities, I agree social work should do more to help you.

Hopefully your ex will get another job soon, what a dick being caught with his hand in the till.

I'm with you OP as it means any plans you have already made/want to make will be disrupted. Of course it impacts you!

Some ridiculous responses on here this morning. Of course she is entitled to feel like she needs a break as PP said, if a husband living with a wife said she couldn’t have a break everyone on here would be up in arms about the importance of me time!

Further, she is entitled to say to him that she wants a break; he should recognise how important that is. If he doesn’t, that’s on him not on her.

The poster that suggested that it would be better to say she needed a break for respite rather than dating, Again completely ridiculous. Respite means having some time off. If OP chooses to do that by dating or going for coffee with friends, good on her. Honestly, it just completely beggars belief what people will suggest such, Someone’s husband working away for 10 days and being back for three. You still have the benefit of that support, sometimes from a distance yes but you have been back for three days and you have an adult who you know is there to back you up. Another post said widows don’t get a break. Hopefully most widows do have support systems in place, but if they don’t, I suspect they feel extremely stressed by it at times just as anyone would. Similarly single parents with their ex partner not in the picture, and do not have any support, would probably prefer support if you ask them.

OP is perfectly entitled to be pissed off and those of you suggesting otherwise have clearly never been in her situation(or possibly modern day saints)!

And the poster asking why she had three children with her ex, words fail me!

Of course you’re entitled to be annoyed, not unreasonable at all. No-one is entitled to a break but why should the mother always be the one to take the brunt of the child rearing when separated. He doesn’t have them much anyway so yes I’d be angry at him and it does affect you, it affects everyone. His behaviour is shocking stealing from a till

Actually shocked by some posts in this thread. He’s shirking his responsibilities as a parent enough as it is by not paying CM and only seeing them for 22 hours a week. He’s now dropping the 22 hours so won’t do a thing for them. Some PP’s have missed this entirely and are mostly bothered about OP being gutted she won’t get her precious 20 hours a week to herself (almost half of which she’ll be asleep anyway!).

He’s an absolute arsehole OP, Dad’s like this make me feel ill.

@Anon359

I'm struggling to understand why you had THREE children with such a Muppet?

He probably wasn’t such a muppet when they were together. This situation happens more than you’d think. They’re a fairly decent Dad when they’re still at home, as soon as the relationship breaks down they’re utterly useless. Like a personality transplant.

I'm struggling to understand why you had THREE children with such a Muppet?
Because

1. I was 16 when I got with him so knew no better
2. He wasn't a thief when I was with him
3. His behaviour has gradually got worse over the years

It's not like I saw a thieving scumbag and decided "yep, perfect father material"
People change.

Thanks everyone. I was just taken aback at his insistence this didn't affect me so I had no right to be pissed off. In what world does that make sense?

What’s with the responses?

Are people seriously saying that it’s acceptable for a (unemployed so lots of time) dad to not see his kids?

That’s your standard of parenting?

Give your heads a wobble.

There’s no reason why the OP shouldn’t get social time - she has sole care of DC for majority of the time, she’s doing his parenting for him so the least he can do is give her some time back and should want to spend some time with his DC anyway.

Some low standards on display here.

OP - I wouldn’t mention my social time to him, he isn’t doing you a favour, it’s (piss poor) parenting.

I’d position it as him not wanting to be an active father and spend time with his kids, which is the core issue anyway.

I’d also just send them with a food parcel.

Just to clarify I didn't mention my social time to him, I said I was pissed off at his behaviour and told him he was stupid for stealing. His response to which was to tell me I was being ridiculous as its not like he fucked up my life and that I had no right to be angry. I told him he was being ridiculous and that I have every right to be annoyed.
I dont discuss my social life with him as he would purposely try and sabotage it.

He’s an idiot and so self absorbed and lacking in empathy towards you that it never even occurred to him that you might use the time he had to younger kids for to socialize, date, shop unencombered or just relax at home without the responsibility of looking after 2 small kids. He’s complaining to you that he can’t afford to feed your joint children for 1 day a week when you feed all 3 the rest of the time, presumably on a fairly limited income too. He needs to learn to budget so he’s got a few pounds a week left to feed his kids. He probably won’t. OP you ANBU.

Some of the responses on here are ridiculous, as if your husband working away is comparable to being a single parent

Of course your not unreasonable it does affect you! Whether it's because you need some peace and quiet, to make life easier and do the shop on your own or to have a social life.

Being a single parent is hard never mind with a disability as well, you are allowed to pissed off.
He's scum and I'm sorry you and your kids have to deal with him.

Why do you want your children in the 'care' of this man?

OP AIBU has a real trend just now of the first few responses trying to outdo themselves in irrelevant and unhelpful replies, it’s getting really tiresome. Ignore.

Absolutely not being unreasonable, I wish I had something more constructive to offer but he’s a twat and your feelings are entirely justified. As you suspect it does sound like he’s trying to shirk the very little responsibility he has to nothing.

His loss @HerRoyalRisesAgain. It really is.
I think I would do a food parcel.
Wishing you all the good things
Don’t let the bastards grind you down

Have some people missed that OP is disabled and requires care from her parent?

Not only this but she is raising her children 24/7 barring a few hours that they see their father. Their father who now isn’t going to be seeing them because he’s a thieving moron who’s happy to absolve himself of all responsibilities, of course she’s angry.

Anyone who be annoyed they’d lost their only few hours a week to themselves. She probably uses those few hours to rest and recharge, life sounds like it’s incredibly hard work for her. The horrible responses and complete lack of empathy on here is really shocking.

You had some really write early responses!

Yes, the main thing is the kids are losing out on a relationship with him. But of course you are entitled to be pissed off because you aren’t getting time alone. Parents in decent, non abusive relationships give each other time off within the relationship to do their own thing. It’s just not quite as defined. You are entitled ti be pissed off that due to his dishonesty and stupidity you get no time to yourself.

I love it when people compare their husbands working away to being a single parent. Fuck me. You really have no idea.

OP YANBU at all. Being a single parent is incredibly hard, never mind being disabled too. Your ex is a prick.