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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To he pissed off at ex?

90 replies

HerRoyalRisesAgain · 07/08/2021 14:11

Background: we were together 12 years, 3 kids together, I worked until my disabilities and MH meant I couldn't. He was the SAHP. He now sees the children at his flat once a week. The little 2 (6 and 7) sleep over, so he has them 2pm Saturday until 10am Sunday, his choice.
The oldest (12) has very little to do with him as he doesn't get on with him.

He has just told me he may not be able to have the children for a while after today because he has been suspended from work and may be getting sacked. He got caught stealing from the till.

I'm furious. It's not like he has them for very long anyway, not even 24 hours a week. He doesn't pay for them, so it's not like he needs the money for that. He's just an absolute idiot.

If he loses his job and loses his flat as a result of not having rent money he'll have to move back in with his mum which means he won't see the kids because his mums an alcoholic who hits kids so they're not allowed there, plus the drug taking uncles. That's not going to happen, and he won't take them out to soft play or anywhere because he's too tight. He doesn't even take them to the park which is free.

Ugh. When I told him he's an idiot he told me I have no right to be pissed off because its not like he's fucking up my life. But it is because now I can't make any plans on my own on Saturday afternoons because I'll have the kids. So no dates, no meeting up with friends without the kids, can't even go shopping in peace.

So aibu to be annoyed or is it none of my business?

OP posts:
Original poster
HerRoyalRisesAgain · 07/08/2021 14:39

My sister has this and she just provides the food or the tenner to buy the food. It's not fair of course but it does mean she has alone time for herself.
I'd rather avoid paying for his mistakes but I completely understand why your sister does.

OP posts:
Original poster
HerRoyalRisesAgain · 07/08/2021 14:39

Jesus. I know UC isn’t big money for a single person, but he’s telling fibs there oh I know he is. My friend has pointed out that as he's never been that interested this could just be his perfect excuse to cut contact.

OP posts:
beinglikedisoverrated · 07/08/2021 14:40

AND he can go to the food bank if he says he has no money for food

Original poster
HerRoyalRisesAgain · 07/08/2021 14:42

@beinglikedisoverrated yep, there's a food bank that runs weekly at the community centre on our estate (he lives on the same council estate as we do, so even if he doesn't see the kids they'll still see him enjoying his life without them)

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/08/2021 14:43

He's a selfish lying thriving knob isn't he Angry

funinthesun19 · 07/08/2021 14:44

oh I know he is. My friend has pointed out that as he's never been that interested this could just be his perfect excuse to cut contact.

She could be right unfortunately.

Original poster
HerRoyalRisesAgain · 07/08/2021 14:45

He's a selfish lying thriving knob isn't he yep.

OP posts:
LemonFantaGin · 07/08/2021 14:46

I mean, you're not being unreasonable, but I'd be glad my kids were away from this waste of space as much as possible. 🤷🏽‍♀️

RandomMess · 07/08/2021 14:48

Thriving = thieving btw

Lulola · 07/08/2021 15:05

It OP was married and wasn’t getting a couple of hours rest on a weekend because her husband was playing golf everyone would be shouting there should be equal time for hobbies/rest. As she is single there seems to be some belief that she is no longer entitled to life beyond her children. The children’s other parent put as much effort into bringing them into this world as OP so why shouldn’t he be as responsible for their care.

When I go for a walk with my married friend to get her out of the house her husband stays with the baby, it’s not necessarily so they can bond it’s so that she can have a break and be a better parent because she’s looking after her mental health.

He isn’t dead so there is no point comparing OP to a widow because she isn’t. As sad as it is for them it doesn’t change OPs struggles, minimising people’s struggles because someone else has it worse does nothing for mental health.

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 07/08/2021 15:06

It's absolutely infuriating for you, and I'm seething at yet. Another. Fucking. Example. of a man completely abrogating himself of any kind of responsibility for his kids but, honestly, I wouldn't want my kids seeing a dad who couldn't even take them to the park, and whose family was such a bunch of reprobates. I think you'll just have to make the most of the time you have to yourself when they're at school (which is, after all, quite a lot). When the 12 year old is 15,16, he may be prepared to look after them a bit at the weekends and holidays so you can meet friends for a few hours.

Staffy1 · 07/08/2021 15:15

Can you possibly get respite care? If you need someone to do housework and help you get a shower, surely you must need help looking after the kids?

Sirzy · 07/08/2021 15:19

It’s no wonder the eldest doesn’t want anything to do with him, I would imagine the younger two will soon see him for what he is and follow suit.

Being a single parent to 3 children is hard, let alone with a disabiiity. So you have family support?

Original poster
HerRoyalRisesAgain · 07/08/2021 15:21

@Staffy1 social services said as my mums down twice a week then I don't need any other support even though she doesn't actively look after them.

OP posts:
Original poster
HerRoyalRisesAgain · 07/08/2021 15:23

@Sirzy my mum does housework and helps me get a shower, but no actual support as far as the kids go. She will babysit for things like when I have to take one for an appointment or something, but other than that there's just me and them.

OP posts:
beinglikedisoverrated · 07/08/2021 15:24

@Staffy1. Good shout. Have you enquired about respite OP?
Oh and just a side note - DO NOT MENTION the fact you need time for YOU. If he's anything like my ex he'll use this against you Bell End that he is !

Sirzy · 07/08/2021 15:25

Do you have home start or similar locally they may be able to help?

I think for the sake of your mental health it’s probably best to put things in place to do it with no support from him rather than add his unreliability to the stress you have in life if that makes sense. Make sure you go through CMS and get whatever he should be paying even if it’s just pence!

Katiebee008 · 07/08/2021 15:27

Fucks sake, OP is allowed to be pissed off that the lack of contact means she won't get a break. Bet those having a pop at her would be the first to tell her she should be getting "equal leisure time" if she was still in a relationship with this useless man.

kcha30 · 07/08/2021 15:28

Sounds like you're making it more about your own social life than the kids seeing their dad! It's sucks, but what can you do! He would make the effort if he wanted to see them. Even if he fell on bad times there's nothing stopping him from taking them out for a walk or to the park as you say! Even if it was just for a few hours, better than nothing.

PumpkinKlNG · 07/08/2021 15:36

I think the thing is if you are saying it to your ex like how you are saying it here “won’t be able to get a break” and you did say it was to date and meet friends? You have drip fed that it’s because you are disabled and need respite because your op mentioned having a chance to date, if you’re saying that to your ex he is going to not want to do it because he doesn’t want to give you a break my ex saw him having the kids as giving ME a break, and why would he want to give me a break?! In his little head. Which is why he doesn’t (more to it but that’s one of the reasons) you have to tell him it’s about his relationship with the kids and them missing him not how it benefits you

Tlollj · 07/08/2021 15:47

Sounds like he’s a dickhead. So really it’s probably a good job he won’t see them very often. Means more work for you, but they’re be better off surely.

phishy · 07/08/2021 15:54

@DinosaurDiana

I thought it was about the kids seeing their dad more than you having time off from them.
Jesus, the woman is practically raising the kids single handedly and that’s still not good enough for you?!

Such low expectations of men on MN.

OP he is a thieving twat, I’m sorry you won’t get a break from parenting.

phishy · 07/08/2021 15:55

@Bluntness100

I have to agree with the first poster, your focus seems to be that you’re hacked off you need to look after the kids and not how it will impact them not seeing their father.
She is allowed to be hacked off. Are you a saint who never meeds a break?
Original poster
HerRoyalRisesAgain · 07/08/2021 16:04

you did say it was to date and meet friends? You have drip fed that it’s because you are disabled and need respite being disabled doesn't mean I can't date or meet friends. Being disabled and needing respite doesn't mean I don't need the respite to do those things.

OP posts:
ImRhondaAndthesearentreal · 07/08/2021 16:06

Your ex is a selfish cunt.