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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it too late to leave? should I leave?

67 replies

Blossombo · 06/08/2021 20:35

Ok, we are in our 30’s, my partner and I have been together for 14 years. He has a 17 yr old daughter and I have been part of her life since she was 3, we get on great. We have a 12 yr old together.

He has always been immature, bad with money and never wants to talk about serious things.

We rent (always have), not married but got engaged in 2019 on my birthday (everyone jokes he just didn’t know what to buy me and I kinda get that). No mention of a wedding since and I have not pushed this at all.

Since we have been together I have completed a degree and now the main earner. We used to be equal earners but he was sacked a year ago (long story that I will never get the full account of). He has always worked but now his job just about covers his expenses (inc rent contribution) and leaves nothing for the family. It didn’t bother me to start with as I can provide for me and our child but it’s starting to grate on me.

He is a good man, never any sniff of DA, doesn’t drink, smoke etc but does have hobbies that he has prioritised at times.

We have zero in common. Literally nothing, j am very outdoorsy, love the beach, animals etc he has zero interest in this. We have loads of animals and he takes little to no interest, he has never walked the dogs unless the kids drag him along for example.

We have had hundreds of conversations where I express my unhappiness of just how boring life with him can be (I am more tactful than this) and he changes for a bit but then it all goes back.
I encourage him to talk about what he wants me to change but he doesn’t seem to want anything to change. He refuses to go to counselling.

Sex life non existent - neither bothered by this.

My mother thinks I should leave but I’m so torn because I do love him but not sure I am ‘in love’ with him anymore.

My dilemma is that I am worried that with the kids growing up, am i still willing to settle (as I say my situation is not terrible by any means) should I leave or stay?

OP posts:

Valeriekat · 06/08/2021 20:41

Why would you stay with him? Why marry him. Why change yourself for him? You are way too young to have no sex life. Stop being "tactful"
Does he do all the housework and child-work.
What are your hobbies? How much of the money you earn do you get to spend on yourself? LTB

cakecakecheese · 06/08/2021 20:41

Only you can decide this, it's hard to leave when there's not a 'big' reason like abuse or infidelity but unhappiness is just as good a reason to leave. Ultimately things can't be fixed if both people aren't prepared to work on it.

DowntonCrabby · 06/08/2021 20:46

Life isn’t a dress rehearsal OP, this is it. I’d without a doubt leave.

Original poster

Blossombo · 06/08/2021 20:53

Thanks everyone for commenting.

He does housework if asked. Child care is non existent, as soon as the kids are school age he see’s then as self sufficient 🙄 I have always managed kids, their birthdays, Christmas (which he hates) their hobbies etc.

I earn about £45k and he earns about £25-30k with overtime.

I go to the gym 3x a week, horse riding, my dogs compete in competitions, I’m taking the Kids to a theme park next week (he stopped coming to things like that about 6 years ago citing it’s a waste of money as he doesn’t like it). I have a very busy life and support the girls in theirs to.

OP posts:

StoneofDestiny · 06/08/2021 21:31

Bizarre you are still with him as you have nothing in common, no shared activities, interests or values.

BlueSuffragette · 06/08/2021 21:34

Sounds like he doesn't really add much in a positive way to your life. You are still far too young to settle for this for the rest of your life. Move on.

Jk987 · 06/08/2021 21:52

Yup, move on but try and keep it as amicable as possible.

Enjoy some time on your own with the kids.

Then, when the time's right, be swept off your feet in a fantastic new relationship

Hekatestorch · 06/08/2021 21:58

He is a good man, never any sniff of DA, doesn’t drink, smoke etc but does have hobbies that he has prioritised at times.

He isn't really a good man. He got sacked, but won't tell you the full story. Doesn't participate in family days, if they don't interest him. He got engaged to you with no intention of marrying you.

He is crap with money and doesn't put his family first.

Not smoking or drinking and not abusing you, doesn't not a good man make.

You aren't compatible and he doesn't care. You would be far better off without him.

bleachblondemom · 06/08/2021 22:17

Even if he hasn’t done anything bad or anything to upset you, you are just simply not right for each other. You should be with someone you have fun with and look forward to spending time with. Me and DH are very different but we compliment each other and there’s no one I’d rather spend my time with, hes my best friend. You deserve that.

Poptart4 · 06/08/2021 22:19

It sounds like you have both out grown the relationship. It happens, no one has to be the bad guy here.

Its hard to end such a long relationship which is why you are picking holes in everything he does. You dont need an excuse/reason to end it. Just end it.

You will both be happier in the long run.

mocktheweek1 · 06/08/2021 22:21

He's not a complete and utter arsehole but that still doesn't mean you have to stay with him if you're not happy. Leave if it's the best thing for you and your children.

JulesCobb · 06/08/2021 22:26

He has always been immature, bad with money and never wants to talk about serious things. he was sacked a year ago (long story that I will never get the full account of). He …does have hobbies that he has prioritised at times. We have zero in common. Literally nothing, j am very outdoorsy, love the beach, animals etc he has zero interest in this. We have loads of animals and he takes little to no interest, he has never walked the dogs unless the kids drag him along for example

He is dragging you down and adds nothing to your life. Or your child’s life. Or his other child’s life by the sounds of it. Thats all you too.

Leave.

Now.

Be happy

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 06/08/2021 22:29

He has always been immature, bad with money and never wants to talk about serious things... . .We have zero in common... ...We have loads of animals and he takes little to no interest, he has never walked the dogs unless the kids drag him along for example.

This sounds dreadful - what do you actually get out of this relationship? You deserve happiness and it is never too late to leave.

He is a good man, never any sniff of DA, doesn’t drink, smoke etc

This is an EXTREMELY low bar to set for choosing your life partner! Aim higher - seriously.

You are worth more than "he doesn't hit me".

HollowTalk · 06/08/2021 22:30

My shoulders always think when I read this sort of post. He's a complete waste of time! Why on earth are you with him when you could do so much better? Okay he might be quite a nice guy but you are so unsuited to him. Set yourself free

Merryoldgoat · 06/08/2021 22:31

I don’t understand why you’re still there.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/08/2021 22:33

FGS, get out of there and start living. Don't waste another day.

mswales · 06/08/2021 22:38

Someone failing to share childcare or even spend family time together would not be someone I would describe as a good partner. It's completely unjust and shows a huge lack of respect. And if I didn't share any interest with someone or have sexual attraction I definitely wouldn't want to be with them. You are still young and have so much time to have a fulfilling relationship with someone that makes you feel amazing!

Sandinmyknickers · 06/08/2021 22:40

You don't ever need a "big" reason to leave someone. Your happiness is important and valid, and if you're not happy, you're not happy. I agree with the Pp who said "life is not a dress rehearsal "

pickingdaisies · 06/08/2021 22:42

He sounds more like a mostly harmless lodger than a life partner. If he suddenly buggered off one day, would anyone even notice?

MumW · 06/08/2021 22:43

It's never too late to leave. If you are not enjoying with your life with him in it and you would be happier on your own, then just go.

LittleMissPeggySue · 06/08/2021 22:51

The big red flag in my marriage was when I looked into the future and realised that if I got to 70 and nothing had changed, then I would've had a lifetime of regret. That thought scared me more than all of the practicalities and emotions of breaking up.

Original poster

Blossombo · 06/08/2021 23:00

Thank you to all the replies, it’s pretty unanimous which is kinda of what I had expected having spoken to people IRL.

Just so difficult isn’t it after so many years. I obviously don’t want it to affect the kids (his child and ours) but they are not silly, they know what he is like.

Got to bite the bullet I think.

Any advice from this point onwards greatly appreciated x

OP posts:

billy1966 · 06/08/2021 23:04

Your bar is below ground level.

He is not a good man.

What on earth are you doing wasting your precious life with him?

Listen to your mother.
Get rid.

He brings nothing to your life and sounds selfish, lazy and unreliable.

Oogachuckachopsy · 06/08/2021 23:05

Oh my god, leave. You’re 34 and so young still. Your girl is a good and resilient age and you can maintain a lovely relationship with your step daughter, now she’s 17. There’s so much more to life. Be free and happy.

Original poster

Blossombo · 06/08/2021 23:09

To add he works permanent nights so I’m pretty much managing the shop alone anyway as he is at work or asleep most of the time.

OP posts:

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