Is it too late to leave? should I leave?

[Blossombo]

Ok, we are in our 30’s, my partner and I have been together for 14 years. He has a 17 yr old daughter and I have been part of her life since she was 3, we get on great. We have a 12 yr old together.

He has always been immature, bad with money and never wants to talk about serious things.

We rent (always have), not married but got engaged in 2019 on my birthday (everyone jokes he just didn’t know what to buy me and I kinda get that). No mention of a wedding since and I have not pushed this at all.

Since we have been together I have completed a degree and now the main earner. We used to be equal earners but he was sacked a year ago (long story that I will never get the full account of). He has always worked but now his job just about covers his expenses (inc rent contribution) and leaves nothing for the family. It didn’t bother me to start with as I can provide for me and our child but it’s starting to grate on me.

He is a good man, never any sniff of DA, doesn’t drink, smoke etc but does have hobbies that he has prioritised at times.

We have zero in common. Literally nothing, j am very outdoorsy, love the beach, animals etc he has zero interest in this. We have loads of animals and he takes little to no interest, he has never walked the dogs unless the kids drag him along for example.

We have had hundreds of conversations where I express my unhappiness of just how boring life with him can be (I am more tactful than this) and he changes for a bit but then it all goes back.
I encourage him to talk about what he wants me to change but he doesn’t seem to want anything to change. He refuses to go to counselling.

Sex life non existent - neither bothered by this.

My mother thinks I should leave but I’m so torn because I do love him but not sure I am ‘in love’ with him anymore.

My dilemma is that I am worried that with the kids growing up, am i still willing to settle (as I say my situation is not terrible by any means) should I leave or stay?

He showed his colours fast didnt he. Childcare is a woman’s job. He literally gives no shits. Can you drop the children off at his parents on your way to work?

I just looked at the vote again. I chose YABU because i took that to mean YABU to stay and settle, as that was the final sentence.

@JulesCobb the fact he didn’t even realise just proves the point further. Have not heard from him all day.

@Alleycat1 I suppose I am just worried that this is all there is to like and I am being unreasonable to think there is more to life

My first marriage (9 year relationship) was very much one of no major issues really (although in hindsight I can see how there was a lot of controlling behaviour that I wasn't aware of at the time) but I was unhappy, we had nothing in common, sex life had totally fizzled out, and I was pretty bored with everything. My epiphany moment came when I saw a simple post on postsecret.com (which I love reading each Sunday to this day) which said "You get what you settle for." That was the moment my eyes opened, and I finally admitted I was done. Its not easy, telling someone you're just not happy and not in love with them any more, but it was so worth it. We both ended up marrying again, and were both much happier.
OP I hope you come out the other side of this with the rest of your life ahead looking wonderful. You deserve it.

Thanks all, he moved in to his parents and said he would stay there but has now text saying he can’t stay there because they are selling so have very little furniture - no bed room furniture/ no space.

He has asked to come and stay with us again until he gets sorted. I still haven’t answered and that was yesterday.

In a way I could do with him being here (as useless as he is) just so I can go to work without putting on my limited childcare resources until she goes back to school.

I am also taking my daughter (and SD) away for a couple of days this week, obviously he doesn’t come to things like that so was going to be here for the dogs.

But I have spoken to my daughter (12) and although she is upset with the situation (few tears) she is in good spirits, causally mentioning all the positives of it having dad around (from no arguments to not having meat in the house as we are veggie).

But he doesnt help with childcare, so will be no use at all.

No op. Terrible idea.

You already sound like a single parent.
I raised my two children alone from ages 7 and 11.
They are 16 and 20 now and we are a strong little team. Our house is calm and peaceful, l just get on with what l need to do, there is no resentment regarding a lazy useless husband, l am not looking for anyone else, l love my space and freedom.
I always say to people who are unsure regarding going it alone, if you want it to work, you will find a way to make it work.

He would be uselsss but at least 12yr old would not be home alone.

Anyway 12yr old has said that she woke rather he not be here so that’s settled it. He gave me some grief about ‘where will I go?’ etc but I just said it wasn’t my problem.

So off we go on our own journey, house already feels lighter.

Well done OP.

A sensible 12 year old would be fine.
Listen to her.
That she is happy he is gone speaks volumes.

This is a positive move.

Embrace it.

He is no longer your concern.
Do not allow him back in, no matter how much he whines.

Well done.

I’m back, still separated but he is living in the spare room.

I have told him he needs to move out but he keeps saying he has no where to go and no money because he has been spending it all on online gaming (our newest surprise from him).

He is over the top doing things around the house and with our Child which I am just ignoring and quietly reminding him he needs to move out!

I don’t know what else to do, I can’t move because I don’t have any family locally and I need to work to be able to provide for me and my child!
He also hasn’t told his eldest daughter because he doesn’t want to worry her and I don’t see it as my place to mention…one good thing is that my decision to separate was the best ever and I am not taking him back!

Good for you.

Keep on at him, every single day that you want him out.

Keep telling him that he is not your responsibility and neither is his child.
Poor girl with such a waster.

He is a user.

At least you are glad to be separated.
His money worries are not your concern.

Start gathering his stuff together and tell him you want him out.

EXACTLY what childcare do you need?
What hours do you need?

Is there a woman locally or a parent at school that could help?

Are you both on the tenancy? How long is left on the lease? Do you know the landlord?

@billy1966 I know all of this, just sucks that he is still about. Plus I am mindful our child is always in earshot ( I couldn’t have had this revolation in term time ) so I don’t want her to think I’m being unreasonable.

@Sunshinegirl82 We are both on the tenancy and it’s likely they may not let me stay if I mention anything because of the joint income required for the house. Long story short, it’s a big house in the countryside which on paper I can afford but my salary alone is less than what they stipulate people have to have to rent it.

More complicated by the fact that because of the type of property we have our animals here as well so I can’t leave and find somewhere else (these properties are rocking horse poop) because it would make 3 ponies, 2 dogs, 12 hens and loads of other little guys homeless too

And everyone knows what the property market is like atm and landlords don’t like dogs let alone horses and massive snakes

I need to bide my time I think and think about it but more. I also rely on him being here (albeit useless and often in bed as he works perm nights ) so I can work because my job is random and sometimes 100% from home and then other days I get called out urgently.

Can you imagine growing old with him, just the two of you ? If the answer is no...leave now, don't waste any more time with him .