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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it too late to leave? should I leave?

67 replies

Blossombo · 06/08/2021 20:35

Ok, we are in our 30’s, my partner and I have been together for 14 years. He has a 17 yr old daughter and I have been part of her life since she was 3, we get on great. We have a 12 yr old together.

He has always been immature, bad with money and never wants to talk about serious things.

We rent (always have), not married but got engaged in 2019 on my birthday (everyone jokes he just didn’t know what to buy me and I kinda get that). No mention of a wedding since and I have not pushed this at all.

Since we have been together I have completed a degree and now the main earner. We used to be equal earners but he was sacked a year ago (long story that I will never get the full account of). He has always worked but now his job just about covers his expenses (inc rent contribution) and leaves nothing for the family. It didn’t bother me to start with as I can provide for me and our child but it’s starting to grate on me.

He is a good man, never any sniff of DA, doesn’t drink, smoke etc but does have hobbies that he has prioritised at times.

We have zero in common. Literally nothing, j am very outdoorsy, love the beach, animals etc he has zero interest in this. We have loads of animals and he takes little to no interest, he has never walked the dogs unless the kids drag him along for example.

We have had hundreds of conversations where I express my unhappiness of just how boring life with him can be (I am more tactful than this) and he changes for a bit but then it all goes back.
I encourage him to talk about what he wants me to change but he doesn’t seem to want anything to change. He refuses to go to counselling.

Sex life non existent - neither bothered by this.

My mother thinks I should leave but I’m so torn because I do love him but not sure I am ‘in love’ with him anymore.

My dilemma is that I am worried that with the kids growing up, am i still willing to settle (as I say my situation is not terrible by any means) should I leave or stay?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 06/08/2021 23:19

You need to go to a solicitor and get everything rolling. I promise you will be so glad you did when this is all over. You are FAR too young to be living like this.

spotcheck · 06/08/2021 23:24

It's good that you still care for him. If you stay, you will probably end up resenting the life you have with him, and resenting him by extension. I say leave before you end up hating him

Pissinthepottyplease · 06/08/2021 23:26

What would you say to your child in this situation?

Original poster
Blossombo · 07/08/2021 00:05

I would say that she is worthy of a happy fulfilled life. And I know that. Just hard to make the break even if I know it’s for the best long term

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 07/08/2021 00:51

@Blossombo

Thank you to all the replies, it’s pretty unanimous which is kinda of what I had expected having spoken to people IRL.

Just so difficult isn’t it after so many years. I obviously don’t want it to affect the kids (his child and ours) but they are not silly, they know what he is like.

Got to bite the bullet I think.

Any advice from this point onwards greatly appreciated x

It looks to me like you are both going in different directions and get nothing out of this relationship any more.

Your relationship with him is different to that with children in that you share a bed, and this is what separates you from the rest of the family. It's that special thing you have together that makes everything else work and if you don't have that any more then what is the point.
I hope that made sense

lightlysparkling · 07/08/2021 00:55

Your mother knows the drill op. Go live your life Thanks

AmberIsACertainty · 07/08/2021 01:14

You're not married and you rent. There's no need for a solicitor. Whose on the tenancy? If it's just you. Ask him to move out. If it's just him, you move out. If it's both of you, decide if either of you wants to stay, talk to the landlord to ok it and then the other one moves out. Put in a child maintenance claim, I'm going to guess he doesn't want access although he might want it just to reduce the child support payments. He's a shit dad so let him take you to court for official access, or let DC arrange unofficial visits to him as 12 is old enough to know what they want, but explain to DC they need to check with you first in case you already have something planned. Is there anything else you want help with regarding this situation OP?

JulesCobb · 07/08/2021 05:32

He is such a lazy gobshite, Id be going in firm with childcare arrangements from the start. This is not a father who will think parenting is his job. Give an inch and he will be a flaky unreliable selfish useless arse.

Highflyingadored · 07/08/2021 07:11

Thinking of practical things. If you have a shared computer get yourself an external hard drive and save all the data like photos/ documents etc that are important.

Furniture start making a list of what you may need, if you can store some bits with your mum or another trust worthy person.

OneAlabamaReturn · 07/08/2021 07:24

@cakecakecheese

Only you can decide this, it's hard to leave when there's not a 'big' reason like abuse or infidelity but unhappiness is just as good a reason to leave. Ultimately things can't be fixed if both people aren't prepared to work on it.
I agree with this.

I always thought it would be obvious that you would end a relationship in these circumstances, but it's actually incredibly difficult if there isn't a huge motivating factor like DA or infidelity.

The way the OP describes her life, she seems really quite happy and fulfilled, and she just wishes her partner enjoyed it and joined in with it.

I can just understand why going through the upheaval of ending a relationship of this nature would seem like a huge decision and not as obvious as it appears at first glance.

ZenNudist · 07/08/2021 07:32

You sound like you could really make a mutual amicable separation work. I know 2 people 2 couples who have done this. It's been great for the dc. They split up before they started to hate each other when it wasn't working. 50 50 with the dc and still spend occasional time together as family. It's great.

maddiemookins16mum · 07/08/2021 07:43

We have zero in common……

This is important. You’re sharing your life pretty much with a stranger in some respect.

Original poster
Blossombo · 07/08/2021 11:43

We had a brief chat this morning and he says that he knows our relationship is a bit rubbish but he is willing to put up with it because to him some of it is good.

I feel terrible that I will be ending this when there doesn’t seem to be a huge issue.

OP posts:
bleachblondemom · 07/08/2021 11:46

‘Put up with’ how romantic

frazzledasarock · 07/08/2021 12:25

Of course he’s willing to ‘put up’ with it.

He gets to live in a lovely house, has a cook cleaner and childminder and doesn’t have to fork out or put in any effort for anyone everything is all done and paid for by you.

I’d be pissed off not worried for him.

MatildaTheCat · 07/08/2021 12:35

Another 50 years of this doesn’t sound much fun. Go.

It sounds as if you are also primary carer for his DD, would she be able to stay with you?

twinningatlife · 07/08/2021 12:46

It's hard being on permanent nights - do you think that is contributing to his lack of "presence" and enthusiasm?

My DH works an early shift - bordering on anti social hours and our marriage and family life has suffered hugely and it's taken a long time to find our feet again

FeelingBored · 07/08/2021 12:55

I think the point about your daughter and step daughter is right - you wouldn’t want them to settle for this.

You sound extremely sensible and intelligent and I’d imagine you could have an amicable separation. My XP is similar and we get on well as co-parents. My daughter is amazed we were ever together as we are so different!

Going on my experience, I think you will be amazed how free abs liberated you feel when you are no longer weighed down by his low energy abs lack of enthusiasm.

ChunkySloth · 07/08/2021 13:06

@Blossombo

Thanks everyone for commenting.

He does housework if asked. Child care is non existent, as soon as the kids are school age he see’s then as self sufficient 🙄 I have always managed kids, their birthdays, Christmas (which he hates) their hobbies etc.

I earn about £45k and he earns about £25-30k with overtime.

I go to the gym 3x a week, horse riding, my dogs compete in competitions, I’m taking the Kids to a theme park next week (he stopped coming to things like that about 6 years ago citing it’s a waste of money as he doesn’t like it). I have a very busy life and support the girls in theirs to.

Leave him. He sounds like a miserable hindrance. Leave him and move on and have fun.

HalzTangz · 07/08/2021 14:24

Unless you live in London, I don't see how his salary of 25-30k only just covers his expenses. That would and should cover all bills (not just split bills with another person), so don't feel bad leaving, his wage will cover his living expenses elsewhere

Original poster
Blossombo · 08/08/2021 08:04

He has gone to stay with his parents for a few days. Last night 12yr old asked if we were separating, was upset but said that she would prefer it if we didn’t argue etc.

He is love bombing and deffo thinks this is all my fault, feels he has done everything he needs to and I’m just not happy because il never be happy.

It’s difficult plus I’m at work today so obviously have to now sort the childcare situation as he didn’t even mention what I’m meant to do with 12yr old as he would have been here to look after her today 🙄

OP posts:
Motnight · 08/08/2021 08:23

He left his dd with you without asking?

Lostinthemail · 08/08/2021 08:24

@Blossombo

I would say that she is worthy of a happy fulfilled life. And I know that. Just hard to make the break even if I know it’s for the best long term
It sounds you’ll benefit from a break immediately, not just long term. It must be so nice to have him out of the house and be able to be happy and breathe again.

You deserve better!

Original poster
Blossombo · 08/08/2021 09:22

@Motnight well he knows he is meant to be here for her so I can work but he left anyway and didn’t mention it.

@Lostinthemail yes hoping to spend some time looking at practical issues

OP posts:
Alleycat1 · 08/08/2021 09:36

This is a sad situation. Having a partner is supposed to enhance one's life not cause angst. Why would you consider staying with a man who brings nothing to the relationship? You obviously care about your dsd which makes breaking up difficult but your dp just wants an easy life at your expense which, to my way of thinking is a big issue and not one you should have to live with.