To have no sympathy anymore?

[reachedtheendofmytether]

OH is ill. OH is ALWAYS ill.

He has one chronic issue that leaves him laid up that can be managed with medication fairly well. But he doesn't manage it so that keeps him out of action for a few nights a week.

When his usual illness is ok, there's always something. A cold, a bad stomach, toothache. The list is endless. He doesn't look after himself at all and I refuse to do it for him. He's a grown man and I'm not his mother.

I've given up asking how he is now because I'm sick of hearing how ill he is. I can't hide my eye rolls well any more.

May be worth mentioning that I have 2 small children who make far less fuss when they're not well.

Op is he actually ill or saying he's ill too get out of pulling his weight or pure attention seeking?

@2ndtimemum2

Op is he actually ill or saying he's ill too get out of pulling his weight or pure attention seeking?

I do think he's ill but he milks it. It's the constant talking about it that's bringing me down. Every sentence starts with "god, I feel shit" and the rage I'm starting to feel is pretty immense whenever I hear this.

And the fact that I'm doing all childcare while he takes to his bed like some Victorian lady is not helping my mood.

My nan was exactly the same.
She always had something to complain about. Absolutely Idolise as I did well still do it was annoying, I’d be lying if I said otherwise.

My husband can be like this about injuries. It’s draining and I too roll my eyes! I think he has a low pain threshold as sometimes I can’t understand what the issue is even when he explains!

I feel for you but have no advice, sorry!

Well, leave him alone with the children more. If youre ill do you have the luxury of lolling in bed? I bet you dont.

My DM was a bit like that. She had some legitimate health problems but a lot more imagined ones besides. My FIL summed it up as my DM "enjoys I'll health". I think he hit the nail on the head. DF pandered to her for 60 years, bless him, until the day he died. She of course outlived him!

I have a recurring chronic condition
I was told I would never work but haven't had a day off since 2006
Everyday is pretty tough and minor things like headaches really push me over the edge. They may seem minor to other people (and are) but when you have an underlying condition they can be really shit.

What is his chronic condition?

Sounds like it’s in his interests to be ‘ill’. What a wimp. Dump.

Imo agree he needs to go to bed... Enjoy your dc. Relay your movie nights /trips out and tell him it's a shame he is so ill coz he is def missing out..
Do not be his nurse whatsoever.. Under any circumstances do you do anything for him..
And remember all that illness counts out any adult activity...

@JulesCobb

Well, leave him alone with the children more. If youre ill do you have the luxury of lolling in bed? I bet you dont.

Nope I definitely don't!

I'm away for a weekend later in the year and he's not very pleased. My first time of zero responsibility in 4 years and his first time of total responsibility. Not sure what I'll be coming home to but I'm going anyway. Hopefully the kids will forgive me for whatever happens over those 2 nights.

I can imagine plenty of pained expressions and groaning them total bedrest for a week afterwards to recuperate.

Perhaps I'll buy him a caravan for the driveway...

DH is a raging hypochondriac. And likes nothing more than a trip to the GP to try and find another condition to go with the ones he already has.

He gets zero attention for it; and is promptly cut off with a "you talk about this to the DR, dear, and not me" otherwise he'd never talk about anything else. He gets no enabling from me!

@30degreesandmeltinghere

Imo agree he needs to go to bed... Enjoy your dc. Relay your movie nights /trips out and tell him it's a shame he is so ill coz he is def missing out.. Do not be his nurse whatsoever.. Under any circumstances do you do anything for him.. And remember all that illness counts out any adult activity...

Adult activity is the last thing on my mind, it's making him quite unattractive to me. Of course at bedtime he is well up for it and I'm the bad guy 🙄

How did you manage to have sex with this man? Twice ?

@RaindropsonPiglets

I have a recurring chronic condition I was told I would never work but haven't had a day off since 2006 Everyday is pretty tough and minor things like headaches really push me over the edge. They may seem minor to other people (and are) but when you have an underlying condition they can be really shit.

What is his chronic condition?

I totally understand that if there's a chronic illness that is being managed as well as it can be it's really hard. Hats off to you!

Trouble is that he'll run out of tablets and do nothing, or forget to take them. Then it flares up pretty badly. I know it's excruciating for him but FFS man, try to prevent it!

I had severe migraines for a year or so and did everything in my power to prevent them. It wasn't always successful but I gave it a good go at least. I may have more respect for him if he did too. Even eating some veg or fruit would be something towards health.

Tell him you would be mortified if you had to ring for an ambulance and they caught you hanging from a lampshade /in handcuffs /him in a leather thong /delete as applicable!!

Like another poster I have a chronic illness. And like others with a chronic illness, because it's seen as my 'default' people just expect me to get on with it. So most people have a headache that's so bad they get double vision and want to puke, they go off sick. But when that's very common for someone, the attitude from other people is 'not again!' and I'm expected just to carry on because 'I'm always ill' so somehow I should be immune to the pain and the fatigue.

I'm not saying that's how you are with him but sometimes when you're ill a lot, something like a cold, whole minor to other people, can feel like its tipping me over the edge. And seeing people rolling their eyes like I can help it, or I should just snap out of it and be healthy, makes me feel a million times worse, as I'd give absolutely anything to be able to do that.

It sounds like you're both getting sick of the situation and none of us can say if he should be doing more or make a judgement on how bad he is feeling. It sounds like it may just be a situation thats shit for both of you but instead of pulling together you're making it worse for each other.

Even eating some veg or fruit would be something towards health.

What is his condition?
Both of those would make me worse

He knows how to manage his condition.
He’s choosing not to.
I’d be out of patience too.
If you’re not quite at the stage of wanting to dance on his grave, sit down with him and work out a management plan, including phone alerts for meds.
No, you shouldn’t have to do this for an adult without additional needs, but it might stop you wanting to serve him a cup of arsenic if he bothers to take charge of his own health.
If not...

YANBU to have no sympathy anymore if he won't help himself.

I have a chronic health condition as do a few of my friends but most of us just try to keep on keeping on and if he is intellectually able to manage his own medication etc then there is no excuse for him running out. It is so easy to set reminders on your phone for things like that.

As for getting perky towards bedtime...then I reckon he can't be that poorly. If I have done a full day to my fullest ability that is the last thing I have energy for. It is very convenient that he has that sudden rush of energy then and not at the kids bedtime!

Give him jobs that he can do in bed. Meal prep can be done on a tray. Reading to the children so they get some one on one time, or cuddling them and watching a movie so you can have a moment to yourself. Puzzles, set ups, logo can all be done in bed. I had to as a single mum who was at times bedbound.

Obviously be mindful of his underlying condition but I expect he could help with the kids.

I watched a documentary on a lady with no arms or legs who was a single mother once. It brought home how much people can do if they try.

@RaindropsonPiglets

Even eating some veg or fruit would be something towards health.

What is his condition?
Both of those would make me worse

I don't really want to say as could be a bit outing but definitely nothing to do with his stomach. Some decent proper vitamins would probably help him to boost his immune system a bit for the adhoc illnesses and time between attacks. And I have bought him some tablets that are gathering dust but...

His condition has no known trigger, just a mix of bad luck and genes but can be controlled mostly by the meds. I know it's very very painful and I'd hate to have it myself. But I would also do absolutely anything in my power to stop it happening. Especially if it stopped me spending time with my family or living a normal life. He doesn't do that which is why I'm so annoyed. If I could see him trying to help himself my sympathy would be greater.

@LammasFires

He knows how to manage his condition. He’s choosing not to. I’d be out of patience too. If you’re not quite at the stage of wanting to dance on his grave, sit down with him and work out a management plan, including phone alerts for meds. No, you shouldn’t have to do this for an adult without additional needs, but it might stop you wanting to serve him a cup of arsenic if he bothers to take charge of his own health. If not...

Do you have a chronic condition?

I have had mine for 35 years and last week ended up rolling round the floor in agony- albeit for the 1st time 3 years

Chronic conditions generally cant be switched on or off and they flare up- they cant alway be managed.

I suffer chronic pain everyday and have done for over 20 years, but when I'm having a particularly bad day, I just tell myself that there are a lot of people in the world who would be grateful to be as poorly as I am, ie, there is always someone worse of than yourself!!

I would tell your OH that his constant moaning about his ailments gets on your tits, and he needs to be more proactive if he expects any sort of sympathy, as feeling sorry for yourself is never a good look.

No one can help being ill. But they can help not taking their medication. And if he's well enough for sex then he's well enough to help the OP with the kids and house

I'm away for a weekend later in the year and he's not very pleased. My first time of zero responsibility in 4 years and his first time of total responsibility.
Sounds like he is using it to control you.
I really couldnt find him attractive if he did nothing to help himself. He is acting like a child.