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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have no sympathy anymore?

78 replies

reachedtheendofmytether · 06/08/2021 19:58

OH is ill. OH is ALWAYS ill.

He has one chronic issue that leaves him laid up that can be managed with medication fairly well. But he doesn't manage it so that keeps him out of action for a few nights a week.

When his usual illness is ok, there's always something. A cold, a bad stomach, toothache. The list is endless. He doesn't look after himself at all and I refuse to do it for him. He's a grown man and I'm not his mother.

I've given up asking how he is now because I'm sick of hearing how ill he is. I can't hide my eye rolls well any more.

May be worth mentioning that I have 2 small children who make far less fuss when they're not well.

OP posts:

lazylump72 · 06/08/2021 21:53

Start the day with a morning darling then ignore and go about your day.do not ask how he is,if he starts moaning say come on kids lets do xxx and refuse to engage with him,Cut off his oxygen(not literally that would be a very bad thing to do!!) but if you starve him of attention it usually helps make things bearable.Or go ape shit and say is this how you want the kids to remember you kind of thing and see if that will gee him into a bit of action.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/08/2021 21:54

He's well enough to shag you but not do anywhere near his share of chores / childcare? Bleurgh.

I have a chronic illness. I feel guilty for it and over compensate by not asking for help when I should. That's not the right way either, I know, a happy medium would be healthier.

But at least my way doesn't make someone else exhausted and sad. And I wouldn't moan about it, say I can't possibly do my share and then be well up for a shag miraculously at bedtime.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 06/08/2021 22:01

Ime people who don't manage health issues are attention seeking arse holes.. Exh had depression but wouldn't take anti depressants... Managed to drag his sorry self to the pub but never Asda or a school gate...

billy1966 · 06/08/2021 22:04

OP,
He is dragging you down by taking no responsibility.

How you have had 2 children with such a whinge bag, god knows.

But you are paying for it.
Don't have a third.

Think long and hard about your future because I can't think why you would want to spend it with a moan who contributes little to your life.

My eldest is prone sometimes to moaning occasionally.
I give him a little bit of air time, but not too much.

I honestly couldn't be married to someone like your husband as I believe it would be very bad for my MH.

He sounds as if he is an avoidant parent.
You need to stop doing anything for him as your workload is too much.

Also give some thought to whether you want to be listening to this for the next 30 years.

His deliberate negligence of his health impacts you massively, I would not put up with that.

mrsbyers · 06/08/2021 22:12

God I hope my husband doesn’t feel like this about me and my two chronic illnesses

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/08/2021 22:21

@mrsbyers

God I hope my husband doesn’t feel like this about me and my two chronic illnesses

I also have chronic illness(es)

I don't find it hard to do my bit with the day to day drudgery and suddenly have energy when it comes to shag time... on the same day. Regularly.

I doubt you do either. That's the difference - OP's partner is being noticeably selective about when they have energy and want to feel connected. And the energy and wanting to feel connected suddenly appears when it's beneficial to them, not the whole family.

Hekatestorch · 06/08/2021 22:35

Ops OH is making no attempt to manage his condition. Doesn't even take his medication consistently. Leaving most things to the OP to do.

My dp is chronically ill. I don't get sick of him because he keeps up to his medication. He tries his best to manage his condition, even if it doesn't always work. And yes there's days he can't do anything. But that's not a problem. Because I know he is at least trying and doesn't just expect me to do everything and then have the energy for sex at night, when he is miraculously feeling better.

Ops OH isn't just a person with chronic condition who can't do much. He can't do much because he refuses to manage it like an adult should and its op who has to pick up after him. He is abdicating all responsibility for everything to op, he won't even take responsibility to take his medication.

All the people saying 'I hope my OH doesn't feel like this', unfortunately most will if you make no effort to engage and expect them to pick up all the slack. But then all of a suddenly feel fine every time it's something you want (in ops case he is fine when he wants sex).

Chickpea1434 · 06/08/2021 22:45

I have a chronic illness which causes me pain every day, an associated weak immune system aswell as some current mobility issues caused by bad SPD meaning I'm on crutches.

I hope my OH doesn't think this way about me. He might well be tired of me being ill and in pain all of the time but nobody is more tired of it than I am.

I push myself every day to be the best parent I can be and get shit done regardless.

Your DH needs to take his medicine as prescribed.

Summerfun54321 · 06/08/2021 23:14

Did he have his condition before you had children? If so what was your plan for coping with them if he’s not able to fully contribute to his share of parenting? Parenting is exhausting for healthy parents so it’s not hard to imagine someone with a condition being wiped out a few nights a week, however well he manages his meds. You sound like you need a break.

Monkeybusinesss · 06/08/2021 23:24

It’s clear from the OP it’s not the condition which makes her upset. It’s his lack of ability to deal with it,
He’s a grown adult.

phishy · 07/08/2021 00:19

He can’t be that ill if he’s always for sex!

I'm away for a weekend later in the year and he's not very pleased. My first time of zero responsibility in 4 years and his first time of total responsibility. Not sure what I'll be coming home to but I'm going anyway. Hopefully the kids will forgive me for whatever happens over those 2 nights.

I agree with pp, he’s using it as a firm of control.

He’s just another child for you to look after, I wouldn’t stay with him.

PoptartPoptart · 07/08/2021 00:22

The next time he says “God I feel like shit” try replying with “yeah me too, I have a cracking headache/period pain/stomachache” (delete as appropriate).
“Never mind, I’ll take some paracetamol and soldier on”.
The ignore.

Babyjune21 · 07/08/2021 00:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

BlueBellsArePretty · 07/08/2021 01:03

@Babyjune21

No she doesn't and what an unhelpful comment.

notapizzaeater · 07/08/2021 01:08

@Babyjune21 really ?

Topseyt · 07/08/2021 01:29

@Babyjune21

You sound like a horrible woman truly horrible

You sound like an arse.

disconnected101 · 07/08/2021 01:42

I don't think you sound horrible at all OP. I think you sound like a very tolerant woman who is running out of patience. And it's no wonder - you have 2 children, not 3.
His behaviour would have driven me bananas by now. I have NO patience for self-pity.

Original poster

reachedtheendofmytether · 07/08/2021 06:50

@Babyjune21

You sound like a horrible woman truly horrible

I don't think I am, just frustrated and lonely from spending so much time on my own when it needn't be that way.

But thank you.

OP posts:

Hekatestorch · 07/08/2021 07:11

No she doesn't. If you can read the OP and then say that, then you need to go back and read it again.

Why did you feel the need to post that?

DazzlePaintedBattlePants · 07/08/2021 07:20

Is he well enough to work?

HurryUpAndWait23 · 07/08/2021 07:21

You don't sound like a horrible woman.

You sound tired, annoyed and frustrated.
Quite understandably so.

RampantIvy · 07/08/2021 07:22

@Babyjune21

You sound like a horrible woman truly horrible

No she doesn't. Your comment was really horrible and you are lacking in empathy. She sounds like she is at the end of her tether.

If her husband was proactive at managing his condition then you might be able to justify your comment, but he doesn't. He just milks it and uses it not to do anything, yet manages to feel up for some bedtime activity. He is selectively ill IMO.

girlmom21 · 07/08/2021 07:59

Every single time he complains about being ill suggest he calls the doctor because of it being such a regular occurrence.

Every time after that, ask if he's called the doctor yet.

If he says no, remind him to phone the doctor.

If he says yes and there's nothing they can do, suggest he gets a second opinion.

No sympathy - just be very clear there's nothing you can do and he needs to complain to someone who can actually help.
He'll get bored of the same responses eventually.

billy1966 · 07/08/2021 08:17

OP,
You sound like a saint.

If he is looking for sex and able for it, he can't be in that much pain, and he sure as hell could do his share.

No doubt your skin is crawling at thought of it with whingebag.

He is definitely using it to avoid contributing.

Unfortunately I think by allowing him to not do his share and been to accommodating you have created a monster.

Leave him with the children and stop doing anything that makes his life easier.

Then look at dumping his ass.

Life will be easier.

HollowTalk · 07/08/2021 08:25

Why are people taking us so personally? She has said that he doesn't even take his medication properly. No wonder he is suffering. And then after lounging around moaning all day he expects her to have sex? Why on earth would she want to have sex with him?

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